Reckless Love by Kendall Ryan
“But it is. Why do you think I’m coming to work with you twice a week?”
“Because you think I’ll be good in bed,” he said in a husky voice.
I blushed at how true his words were, but it made me laugh. “Maybe, but that’s not the only reason.” I traced my finger along his arm and looked at him. “This is something you’ve worked long and hard for. I want you to win. I want you to succeed.”
He cupped my cheek with his hand, “I will win, MacKenzie. Anything you want.”
I laughed. “You can’t promise you’ll win.”
He shook his head. “I can. I’ll do it for you. I’ll win my fight. Promise.” His eyes held mine, and I knew he would do anything to keep a promise to me. The thought warmed me.
Ian winning his fight wasn’t the only thing I wanted. At that moment, I also wanted to straddle him and press my body against his, but I wasn’t going to do that in front of Chris’s gym. I still hadn’t broken up with him. “Maybe I should start coming over every day to work with you.”
“That sounds like a good idea.” His voice was low, and I wondered if he was only holding back because of where we were. “Come over tonight and we’ll…work on things.”
I felt a throb between my legs. God, I wanted him to work on me.
But then my eye caught movement behind him and I sat up straight, pulling away from him. He turned to look. It was just a mom walking down the street with a double stroller, but it was enough to remind us of one of the issues we had to deal with today.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to talk to Chris first?” he asked.
“No, it makes more sense if I let him down. If I don’t and he finds out we’re dating, it will be like we’re cheating.”
“We almost are.”
“But it will only hurt him to put it that way. Maybe we should give him a while too before we tell him about us. Just to soften the blow a little. I’ll talk to him today. And hopefully he’ll be true to his word, and I’ll still have a job.”
“Chris is a good guy. He’d never fire you for breaking up with him.”
Ian was probably right, but when Chris found out I was also dating his buddy Ian, I wasn’t sure it would all remain cool between us. And I really wished I didn’t have to test it out.
“Call me if things get intense and you need me to come get you.” He squeezed my hand. “I’ll come pick you up at the end of your shift so you don’t have to bus over.” He scanned the parking lot before leaning in, giving me a light kiss just below my jawline. I turned and took one last look at him before heading in.
In the fifteen seconds it took me to get to the front door, I’d determined that I was definitely going to talk to Chris first thing. Ripping off the Band-Aid seemed like the way to go. Besides, he deserved to know right away that it was over.
But by the time I’d made it through the gym to his office, I thought maybe it would be easier on him if I didn’t tell him until the end of the day. Because then he wouldn’t have to see me again until tomorrow. I was just spinning on my heel to get as far away from his office as I could when Chris called out to me.
“Hey, MacKenzie, did I see Ian drop you off just now?”
Every single muscle in me tensed. What had he seen? There was no way I would be able to act like nothing was going on. I was a lousy liar. If I was going to talk to him, I had to tell him.
I took a deep breath and turned back to the office. “Yeah, we just got back from his doctor visit.”
I took a step just inside the office, scared that venturing farther would cause me to freak out. I had no clue why I was so worried about this. I had broken up with guys before. Granted, with most guys it was just after a few dates.
Chris and I had been seeing each other for a month, which wasn’t long for most people, but it was nearing a record for me. And then there was that whole boss thing. I’d never dated a boss, and thus never had to break up with one before. Maybe that was why my stomach was wound up so tightly that puking didn’t seem out of the question.
“Well, come on in and tell me how it went,” he said, smiling and at ease.
He had no idea. Must not have seen anything. Thank goodness.
I shuffled in a few more feet, taking a seat on the edge of the couch.
“So, how’s our man doing?” He leaned forward, folding his arms on the desk. His giant body dwarfed the desk, making it look dainty.
“It could have gone better,” I said. “The doctor wants Ian to wait another week before he begins sparring again.” This was a serious blow. The fight was only three weeks away, and he needed to be working on his strength and sharpening his skills, but the doctor didn’t think he was ready.
Chris ran his hand over his clean-shaven head, and his forehead creased. “That’s not good.” He winced. “I was worried about this happening.”
I looked down at the floor. “I feel like I could have done a better job working with him.”
“Don’t worry, MacKenzie, this isn’t on you. I was just hoping it wouldn’t come to this.” He picked up a pencil and started tapping it on the desk.
“Come to what?” I asked.
“I think I’m going to have to replace Ian in the fight.”
“What? No. He’s worked so hard for this.”
“Yeah, but we knew this was a possibility. Why do you think I brought in Jonah?”
“You said you brought him in to work with Ian.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, but I kept him here because I knew we might need him to fight in Vegas. And it looks like I was right.”
Damn it. That wasn’t the reason he told me before. Why was he giving up on Ian so quickly? I thought they were friends.
“I don’t think it’s as bad as I made it sound, Chris,” I said. “We’ve still got time to get him in shape. I was going to start working with him every day to make sure he stays on track.” I realized I was wringing my hands and I stopped, placing them on my knees.
“You really are invested in this, aren’t you?”
I shrugged, then nodded. “I think he can get there. He wants to, and he will. I would like to help. It’s my job, right?”
It was so much more than that to me. I wanted to see hard work and determination pay off. It was like that alone could restore my faith in humanity. Ian should be at this fight. He should win this fight.
Chris smiled warmly and leaned forward, tilting his head to the side. “My little Kenzie has herself a project,” he said. “I guess I wouldn’t be a very good boyfriend if I didn’t at least give you a chance to see your mission through.” He got up and moved around the desk, taking a seat next to me. “If you think he’s got it in him, you’ve got the next week to prove it. If the doctor doesn’t clear him for sparring by then, I’m sorry, sweetie, but I’ll have to put Jonah in.”
He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me in. I didn’t resist, going limp in his arms. I stared at the floor, digesting what he’d just said.
All the thoughts I had about breaking up with Chris moved to the back of my mind. He was right on the edge of removing Ian from the fight. I wouldn’t give him any more reason to do so.
He pulled away to look at me. “You look tired. Did you sleep okay last night?”
I shook my head. “I had a hard time getting to sleep.” It was the truth, but my omission of all the details of the evening with Ian and his sister seemed like maybe the worst lie I’d ever told.
“Why don’t you take the day off? You should go home and get some rest.”
I nodded.
“We’re still on for Friday, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. We exchanged a quick kiss, and I pulled myself up off the couch and headed home.
Twenty-Six
Ian
I’d planned on picking MacKenzie up at three, so I was surprised when she showed up at my building just after lunch. Her eyes were puffy, as if she’d been sleeping.
“Did you come from the gym?” I asked when I let her into my workout room.
<
It felt like there was something she wasn’t telling me, but she didn’t seem upset, maybe just dazed from a long nap. “He didn’t fire you, did he?”
“No.” She shook her head again, then took a seat on one of the workout benches. She took a deep breath before she continued. “I didn’t break up with him.”
Something about the way she was looking at me made my stomach fall. “Why not?” I knew as I asked the question that I didn’t want to hear the answer.
“Because it didn’t feel right.”
I ran my hand over my hair and waited for her to say more.
“I’m sorry. I think I’m going to stay with Chris.” Her voice was softer now, and she looked down at the floor. She was sitting on her hands, so I couldn’t read the telltale sign if she was upset, but she was definitely uncomfortable.
She’d chosen Chris.
I forced out a breath, looking down at the floor as well. I swallowed hard against a tightness in my throat, my jaw clenched. Rage boiled inside me, just under the surface, but I couldn’t lose it. Not right here, not right now. This was her choice. I was the douche-roll who passed on her when I had the chance. I had no right to give her shit about what she wanted.
“Okay.”
She looked up at me, as if she was surprised at my reaction. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay. Chris is still my friend, and I hope you are too. I want you to be happy. If he makes you happy,” I said and forced myself to shrug. “Then sure…it’s okay.”
She let out a breath she’d been holding. “Good. I was hoping you wouldn’t be too upset, because here’s the thing—I still want to help you work on your shoulder. Every day, like we talked about.”
Surprised, I ran my hand along the back of my neck, kneading my shoulder. She had to be kidding if she thought I would be willing to work with her after all we’d been through. After how much she knew I wanted her.
I started to shake my head, but then inexplicably switched to nodding. “Okay,” I said again, at a loss for anything more.
I must be a fucking tool, but I realized that if I couldn’t be with her, if she couldn’t be mine, I could at least spend time with her in this way. And that was better than nothing.
Damn, I fucking loved to punish myself.
MacKenzie
I’d barely held it together as I worked for several hours with Ian on his strength exercises, but at least we had something else to focus on.
When it came time for him to drive me home, I had to sit on my hands. Ian had figured out why I balled up my hands in fists; somehow he knew that meant I was upset. So I determined that anytime I was about to cry, I would sit on my hands. That way he couldn’t see it, couldn’t see how I felt, because he couldn’t know my true motivations for staying with Chris. If he did, my plan wouldn’t work. I needed him to think I was done with him so he would forget about me and focus on the fight.
Forget about me. The thought was sobering, but given my past, was something I was accustomed to. Chris had made it clear that the only reason he was still considering letting Ian fight was because he wanted to humor me as his “girlfriend.” So if I wanted Ian to fight, I’d have to remain Chris’s girlfriend whether I wanted to be or not, and I definitely did not. But what choice did I have?
I felt so empty that I had to lock my arms straight in order to hold myself up as he drove. We talked about strategy in the car, and then on the way up the steps to my apartment.
“So I’ll come by your place after work tomorrow,” I said.
Ian shook his head. “I’ve been thinking it might be time for me to move back to Chris’s gym. After all, I have most of my strength back. I’d like to at least be around the other fighters, even if I can’t fight too.”
“Sure.” I nodded. That made sense. And maybe it would help if I didn’t have to be alone with him. I would have to be better about hiding the longing in my eyes and focus on my job. “Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow at the gym.”
I pulled my key out of my purse and unlocked my door, opening it. Then I turned back to look at Ian. He was quiet for a moment, and I caught myself remembering the first night he’d walked me to my door. How protective he was when he thought I was in danger. How he’d stepped in front of me.
My heart thumped unevenly. Resisting the urge to sink into his broad chest and wrap my arms around his waist, I turned away and faced my door.
“Good night,” he said.
I walked inside and locked the door behind me, knowing he wouldn’t leave until he heard that click. Dropping my keys and purse on the floor, I dragged myself into the living room and sank down onto the sofa, curling up into a ball. I held in the first sobs, not wanting him to hear, but as his footsteps faded down the hallway, the tears began to flow, and I couldn’t help the cries escaping. I hugged a pillow close to my chest and let go, my body releasing sob after sob. My head hurt and my chest ached—actually ached. This was why I never let anyone get close to me. Because it effing hurt.
I’d realized how easily Ian could lose Chris’s sponsorship in the Vegas fight. Ian had been training for this his whole life, and Chris wanted to take him out of the fight even before he knew we were together. There was no way he’d continue to back Ian if he found out I was leaving him for Ian, which was why he could never know. And why breaking things off with Ian was the only thing to do.
So when Chris sent me home to sleep, I spent the morning crying my heart out. I cried until I was numb, and then I cried some more, because I had to get it out of my system if Ian was going to believe that I wanted to stay with Chris. And before I left, I’d loaded on the eye makeup and the eye drops, and given myself a pep talk. I was good at pretending like things were normal when they weren’t. I could do this.
And I did, but I barely made it through. Breaking up with Ian had been the hardest thing I’d ever done. Working next to Ian after that, without being able to be with him, was even harder. But I’d made it through. And tomorrow I would too. Maybe each day, if I was lucky, it would get a little easier, because I couldn’t imagine how anything could feel any worse.
Now that I knew the sweet side to Ian, his protective streak, and that he felt the same way about me as I did about him, it made this a hundred times harder. And of course I tortured myself the entire time we worked together as little memories seeped into my brain—his full lips nipping at mine, the large bulge below his navel pressing insistently into me…
But Ian was no longer just the addictively hot MMA fighter I wanted to bang the living daylights out of. He was more. Much more.
Twenty-Seven
Ian
I was worried about moving back to the gym, worried I’d be tempted to push myself too hard, or jump right into sparring. And as valid as those reasons were, the biggest problem was that I didn’t think I could handle another round of one-on-one with MacKenzie unless I had the safety of other people around. It wasn’t that I couldn’t respect her choice, I would never force myself on her or anyone, but the simple thought of being alone with her and not able to touch her depressed the fuck out of me.
The next morning I headed to the gym early. I wasn’t supposed to work with Kenzie until later in the afternoon, but I planned on getting in a good workout. I might not be able to use my left arm yet to its full potential, but I could abuse the shit out of my other three limbs, and every other muscle in my body. Something I’d been doing at my home gym every day, five or six hours a day, but looked forward to doing back at the full gym. I could hammer on a punching bag in my gym until my arms fell off, but something about being back with the guys pushed me even harder.
As I walked in, I instantly regretted telling Chris I was planning on coming back today. I was greeted by a banner that read, Welcome back, Pussy! I should have known. The dipshit had the banner made a while back, and he pulled it out anytime one of the guys came back from an injury or a long absence. I guess it was my turn to
MacKenzie was usually there first thing in the morning, so I was surprised to not see her when I arrived. I told myself it was a good thing she wasn’t there, because then I could focus on my training, but part of me couldn’t get past worrying about where she was.
The new guy, Jonah, was lifting when I got there. He saw me, put the weights down, and came over. “Hey, Ian.”
“Hey,” I said. We’d met briefly when I was in the gym a week ago to talk to Chris. A few pro fighters were douche-rods outside of the ring; thankfully, he was not one of those.
“A little bird told me you might be coming back to the gym this morning.” He smiled and looked up at the banner on the far end of the gym.
“Really.” I laughed.
“Anyway, the same little bird suggested you might be looking for some help with your submission and grappling technique. If you want to, we can work on that.”
That was actually a great idea. I needed to get back into strategies and fighting as soon as possible. I couldn’t start sparring yet, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t work on technique.
I gladly followed him over to a mat to work on submissions, which was my weakest skill, and something I had to work on even harder now that I was coming out of an injury. Everyone knew the best way to get a fighter to tap out if he’d been recently injured was to go after that injury. And that meant I had to be ready for my opponent to try to fuck with my shoulder. First order of business was definitely working on getting out of and staying out of submission holds.
We set up on a mat on the far side of the gym near the locker room.
“Okay,” Jonah began, “let’s start by showing you some holds I use and the best way to get out of them. Go ahead and lie down.”