Scattered Ashes by Maria Rachel Hooley
Still, despite the water glistening on the wood and the small pockets of moisture in the cracks of the bridge, he slowly sat where Nicole had sat and tried to meditate as she’d done that day. Once again, he didn’t know what he’d hoped to accomplish, maybe just to find a few moments of peace before he went back to the chaos which had become his life. He didn’t know.
The only thing he knew was that for once, he found the quiet restorative, and that had to brave the coming storms.
Chapter Eleven
Two years later
She was a whale.
Nicole tried not to look at her reflection. She’d look two months from now, after she’d had the son currently disguised as a basketball in her tummy. Right now, she was incredibly hot and uncomfortable. Pinning her long hair high on her head didn’t help. Nothing helped. It was summer, and she was pregnant. What had made this a good idea, anyway?
Sighing, she leaned back against the couch and tried to get comfortable as she propped up her feet, tried being the magic word. She’d probably never be able to get comfortable until the growing mass inside had finally come out. Then she probably wouldn’t get any sleep, or at least that’s what she'd heard more than once.
The doorbell chimed unexpectedly, and Nicole glanced down at her watch, frowning. Who could that be? With effort, she forced herself to shift back toward the edge of the couch and rise, her hand immediately drifting to her stomach as though she were afraid the movement were going to disturb her baby.
“Hang on, Nick. Let’s answer the door,” she told her tummy, giving it a couple of soft pats as she waddled to the door.
Sarah stood on the step, a small pink gift bag in her hand. She immediately gazed at Nicole, taking her in from head to foot. “OMG,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re huge! You sure you haven’t got twins in there or something?” She reached to feel Nicole’s belly.
“Nope, just one little boy who refuses to sleep at night and keeps kicking me like he’s ready for Michael to teach him the ways of football.”
Nicole felt her son give Sarah’s hand a kick, and her best friend giggled. “Wow! That is so cool.” Sarah drifted inside.
“Well, you know, you could have one if you ever settled down, Sarah.”
“Eh,” Sarah said and shrugged. “I’ll just spoil yours.” She handed Nicole the bag.
“You do know we’re having a boy, right?” Nicole asked, pointing to the pink polka dots.
“Yeah, so? Pink is just a color. You know that.”
“But I’m not sure Michael does.”
The two women sat on the couch, Sarah perched on the edge of the sofa as though not quite comfortable. Then again, Sarah had never totally been comfortable with Michael. Yeah, at first, she'd thought he was cute and all that. Sarah probably just didn’t like the stodgy lawyer feeling that came with Michael. Of course, there was nothing anyone could do about that.
Sarah looked around and cleared her throat. “Speaking of Michael, where is he?”
“On a business trip.”
Sarah pursed her lips and Nicole thought of Thumper from Bambi. her best friend was like that, sitting there, saying, “If I can’t say nothing nice, I won’t say nothing at all.” It didn’t really matter, her expression gave it away.
“Okay, spit it out,” Nicole muttered, hating the way the silence between them suddenly felt so intense. She wanted to open and enjoy Sarah’s gift, but that wasn’t possible, not with the tension between them.
“I just can’t believe he didn’t stay here with you, Nic. I mean, you could have that baby any time, which means you deserve the father to be staying close, just in case.” She nodded toward the bag. “Aren’t you going to open that?”
“Yeah.” Nicole pulled away the tissue paper and found a small, blue outfit with trains all over it, and she smiled brightly, trying to imagine her son in it. It was perfect.
“It’s beautiful,” Nicole finally managed. “Thank you.” She started to lean over and give her best friend a hug when the baby really kicked hard and her abdomen started tightening.
Sarah frowned and watched Nicole carefully. “Hey, you okay over there? You’re suddenly kind of pale.”
Nicole nodded slowly. “Yeah. Nick just kicked the crap out of me.” Her hand nervously caressed her belly, not liking the way it felt so tight it hurt. She couldn’t be going into labor, could she?
“You sure that’s it?” Sarah edged closer, one hand gripping the edge of the couch as though she were hanging on for dear life.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll be right back.” She struggled to her feet, intending to get some water from the kitchen. As she took her first step, however, she felt an immediate rush of heated liquid whoosh down her legs and spatter the floor.
Both of them stared at it, and Sarah finally said, “Um, Nic, I think your water just broke.”
For a second, Nicole couldn’t answer; she just kept staring at the puddle, trying to fathom how it had happened. One moment she'd been grouchy because of being pregnant in the heat, and now she was staring at a wet floor, feeling more panicked by the minute.
“What was I thinking?” Nicole muttered, staggering back a step. “I don’t know how to do this.”
Sarah slipped her arm around her friend. “Can you even reach Michael?”
“I don’t know,” she muttered, grateful to feel Sarah close. She didn’t think she could do this alone, and the idea of calling her mother wasn’t one she relished. “He took an early flight out for an important meeting.” Sweat glossed her face, and she felt light-headed.
“Yeah, well, no damned meeting is more important than being here to welcome your first child. Where’s your phone?”
“In my purse.” Nicole pointed weakly to the counter, and Sarah rifled through the contents it until she found it. She thumbed Michael’s number, but the phone went straight to messaging.
“Michael, this is Sarah. I’m with your wife—you know, the cute brunette who's very pregnant with your child? Well, she’s about to be unpregnant and would like for you to get your butt over here!” She snapped the phone shut.
Nicole started to get woozy, and her knees buckled slightly but Sarah caught her arm. “Okay, I think it’s time we got you to the hospital. Let’s go. I’ll play the fanatical driver this time.”
“You’re always the fanatical driver.” Nicole groaned and gritted her teeth, her steps getting shorter as the pain came. “Damn, that hurts.”
“C’mon, let’s get you to the car.” Sarah supported Nicole the whole way to the vehicle. The walk seemed to take forever, but considering the grimace on Nicole’s face, Sarah wasn’t about to push her any harder despite the nerve-wracking idea of Nicole giving birth right then and there. It didn’t happen like that in reality, did it?
Once Sarah had managed to get her best friend into the car and make sure she was belted in, she raced around to the driver’s side. As she drove she kept peering at Nic.
“Didn’t you and Michael take a Lamaze class or something?” she asked, hating the way Sarah's heart rate had jacked up.
“He couldn’t, not with his work schedule. He was out of town a lot,” Nicole managed as her body stiffened for another contraction. “It’s not his fault.”
“Well, it’s not yours, either.” Sarah turned back to the road and found herself mentally taking in landmarks just to feel as though they were getting somewhere. She was desperate to reach the hospital. It wasn’t so much that the thought of a new baby scared her as the thought of delivering said baby. Sarah hated the sight of blood, and she was pretty sure there would be lots of it when delivering a newborn.
“It never takes this long to get the hospital,” Sarah muttered, suddenly stuck behind a tan minivan whose driver seemed more interested in sight-seeing than actually getting anywhere.
“That’s because you’re being forced to go the speed limit,” Nicole said, gripping the arm rests.
“Nah--it’s this stupid van.” She started waving one hand around. “H
“I don’t think I’m the one exploding,” Nicole gasped, running her hand over her belly. “You look like you’re about to have a heart attack or something.”
Nicole suddenly groaned and leaned back.
Sarah looked at her friend in horror. “Don’t you dare have that baby in my car! I will never forgive you, Nic! Never!”
“Then you’d better get me to the hospital because I don’t think the baby’s going to wait much longer.” The words came out between sharp gasps, and Sarah cursed Michael for his sheer dumb luck at being absent. This should have been his job. Then again, Nicole had often commented on how frequently Michael was gone and how hard it had been, especially once she'd gotten pregnant.
“All right. Hang on.” Sarah peered around the van and saw no oncoming traffic. Instead of patiently following behind, she swerved into the other lane and veered past him in a no-passing lane.
“Sarah, what are you doing?” Nicole gasped.
“Getting you to the hospital because I’m not going to deliver your baby. I’d suck at it, and you know it, and then there’s the whole traumatize-the-kid thing. No thanks.”
Nicole clenched her eyes shut, waiting for the pain to pass, yet it seemed to take longer and longer for that to happen, which terrified her. She had just thought she was ready to become a mom. She’d been out of her mind.
“Nic? You okay?” Sarah asked, panic obvious in her tone as she looked at her. From Sarah's peripheral vision, she could see the hospital ahead.
“Like it or not, you might be delivering. I need to push,” she grunts, gripping the arm rests with all her strength.
“No pushing!” Sarah yelled, laying her hand on the horn. By some miracle, it worked. The traffic moved, allowing Sarah to get to the entrance of the hospital and zoom through the parking lot to the emergency room entrance. “You keep that baby in there, Nic. We’re at the ER.” Shoving the car into park, she got out and caught a hapless EMT by the arm, dragging him as she explained the crisis.
Three hours later, Nicole lay in a bed, cradling her son against one breast as Sarah lounged in a nearby chair. Although Nicole was all smiles, Sarah looked worn out and half-dazed as her best friend cooed softly to a sleeping infant.
“Isn’t he beautiful?” Nicole asked, glancing up at Sarah.
“Beautiful, yeah,” she repeated, propping on elbow on the arm rest to support her head.
“Are you even listening to me?” Nicole asked, wanting to throw a pillow at Sarah.
“Of course I’m listening. I’m just tired.”
Nicole snorted. “Let me get this straight. I go through the agony of giving birth, and you’re tired? Really?”
Sarah forced herself to sit up straighter and shrugged. “I got tired just watching you.” A shudder ripped through her. “And for the record, I’m not having any kids. Watching you in labor cured me of that desire.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Nicole argued. “And just look what I got out of the deal.”
Sarah got to her feet. “A mini-me who squirts poo and keeps you up all night.” She patted Nicole’s shoulder. “That’s what you got.” She covered her mouth, trying to stifle a yawn.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, Nicole frowned. “Has Michael called in yet?” It was a long shot, she knew, but she really wanted to talk with him about everything that had happened. It was important, she reasoned. Surely if he had even checked his messages, he would know something had happened because Sarah never called him. Never. The two of them really didn’t get along all that well, so for her to have tried reaching him should have been enough.
“Well, since we’ve both been kind of preoccupied with other things, I don’t know. Let me check.” Sarah flipped open the phone and smiled. “Yep, there’s a missed call and a message.”
“Thank goodness,” Nicole whispered, smiling down at her son, who slept blissfully in her arms.
Sarah punched the button to listen to the voicemail, a smile on her face, too. Strangely enough, however, just a few seconds after she'd punched the button, the smile slowly died.
“Well?” Nicole asked, shifting in bed. “What did he have to say for himself?”
For a moment, Sarah said nothing. She just kind of sat there wearing a stunned expression she couldn’t hide.
“An answer today would be nice,” Nicole snapped. “What is with you?”
“That message wasn’t from Michael. Michael hasn’t even bothered to call.”
Sarah’s smile dwindled to nothing, and she looked down. “So I guess it was my mom who called?”
“No.” Sarah pushed the hair from her face.
“Then who was it?” she asked in a voice louder than she’d intended. It made the little one squirm in her arms, and she kind of rocked him, trying to get him back to sleep.
“Jordan.” Sarah started pushing some buttons.
“Wait--what are you doing?”
“Deleting it—“
“No! You aren’t. Give me the phone.” She held out her hand.
Sarah stood. “Nothing good is going to come from that message, Nic. We both know it.” She handed her the phone.
Nicole nodded at the baby. “Could you take him for a couple of minutes. Please?”
“All right. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She reached down and gently extracted Nick from Nicole’s arms, instantly cooing at him to soothe the transition, then she sat in the rocker. Even though she spoke to the baby, Sarah’s gaze drifted from the child to her best friend, worry in her eyes.
Nicole caught the concern. She just didn’t understand it. Yes, Sarah had always been concerned about her feelings for a guy she could never have. But this? This was something else, and that troubled Nicole. It was like her best friend could see some storm on the horizon she herself could not, and Sarah was doing everything in her power to protect her best friend. But what was she protecting her from? That didn’t make sense.
She pushed buttons to get back to voicemail and propped the phone up next to her ear.
“Hey, Nicole, I don’t know if you remember me, but it’s Jordan. Jordan Carroway. We had that weekend P.E. class together several years back, and you stepped on a cactus.” He paused for a moment. “Anyhow, I guess I could really use someone to talk to. Alyssa and I are getting a divorce, and it’s just been kind of unsettling around here, if you know what I mean.” Another pause. “Anyway, if you get a chance and want to call me, you’ve got my number. Bye.”
Even after the message had reached the end, Nicole just sat there, her mouth open slightly, "catching flies," her father would have said. Yeah, well, nobody, not even her father, could have prepared her for the way she felt about Jordan even now. It hit like a bolt of lightning, and she gasped, her mind reeling.
Jordan was getting a divorce.
No matter how hard she tried to convince herself she wasn’t hearing things and that this really was true, his message was real even though it definitely felt like a poor example of a joke. The humor was lost on her.
Now the irony and cruelty of timing, that was another matter.
“Okay, now would be a good time for you to say something. Otherwise you'll look like Medusa snuck in here and turned you to stone,” Sarah said, rocking the baby.
Shaking her head, Nicole finally said, “I’m not sure what to say, Sarah. I’m not even sure I heard that right.”
“Bullshit.”
Nicole scanned all the recent calls not because she thought her best friend was lying but because she couldn’t quite believe Michael hadn’t thought enough about how far along she was even to call and check on her. Then again, once Michael put his head in the business clouds, nobody was going to shake him loose. Period.
“There’s a sick irony to this,” Nicole finally said, shaking her head. Of course right now she should’ve been laughing at this hand of cards she'd been dealt, but nothing felt funny.
“My husband flies out the morning I go into labor and I can’t reach him, but the guy I was crazy about in college calls me. If that isn’t a sick cosmic joke, I don’t know what is.” In disgust, she set the phone on the rolling table near her bed.
“Yeah, well, there is that.” Sarah peered at the baby. “At least you got a cute little boy out of the deal.”
Nicole eyed the phone and picked it up again. As she started dialing, Sarah asked, “Oh, are you trying Michael again?”
“No.” She set the phone up to her ear even as she saw her best friend frantically trying to catch her attention and tell her to hang up, as if that would work.
“Are you insane?” Sarah whispered loudly. “He’s getting a divorce!”
“May I speak to Jordan, please?” She paused. “Oh, hey, Jordan. It’s me.”
Sarah immediately began shaking her head in disbelief. Then she whispered to Nick, “Your momma’s lost the last of her brain cells, just so you know.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your divorce.” Nicole sounded earnest. Then again, Sarah knew it was probably because she really did feel badly for him. “Yeah, well, even if you thought it had been coming for a while, that doesn’t make it any easier, and I wish you didn’t have to go through that.” Nicole looked down at the IV in her hand and wished they would get rid of it. She hated it with a passion because it made everything so difficult--not to mention that her hand was starting to swell from all the fluid and that if she moved it wrong her hand ached, which meant she only had one hand, really, with which she could even hold the phone.
Sarah watched her and knew the reason Nicole was avoiding eye contact was that even though Sarah didn’t ask, she knew Nicole had feelings for Jordan Carroway, and this wasn’t a message she needed to hear, especially when Michael decided to be lawyer of the year and leave town right now.
“Oh, I’m fine,” Nicole said, smiling slightly. “I just had a baby boy, and he’s awesome! So beautiful. I wish you could see him.”