Scattered Ashes by Maria Rachel Hooley
A flush crept into Nicole’s cheeks and she leaned over and tapped her forehead repeatedly against the table. “Don’t you have any of your own boyfriends you can abuse with horrible nicknames?”
“Nope. I live through you, Nic.” She lifted the soda and took a sip. “So, are you going to call him?”
Leaning over, Nicole pulled off her pumps and shook her head. “Why would I do that?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Because you’re dying to talk to him.” She drummed the table right in front of Nicole. “And don’t even bother to tell me you aren’t.”
Nicole knew lying was pointless. Sarah knew her well enough so that no matter what she said, the truth would eventually come out. “He’s probably married. Why would this be a good idea?”
“Because maybe he’d enjoy talking to you as well, not that you’d ever admit to finding a guy who is attracted to you.” She shook her head and went back into the living room. “I’ll just visit the chocolate factory while you give somebody a little call.
For a moment, Nicole simply stared off into space. She heard the familiar dialogue of the movie, so her best friend must have canceled the pause. Although a little voice told her it probably wasn’t a good idea, she pulled out the paper with Jordan’s information on it and pushed his number before she'd run out of courage. On the first ring, she felt a little panicked, the second ring her get up and start pacing, and the third actually made her nauseated. She didn’t get to the fourth ring, however, because a deep male voice said, “Hello.”
“Oh, hey,” she began, already hearing a tremor in her voice. “Is Jordan there?”
“Speaking. Who is this?”
“You might not remember me, but it’s Nicole.” She stopped walking and stared outside as fireflies darted around like pricks of light here and again, hovering above the ground.
“Oh, hey, Nicole. I remember you. You were taking body piercing in a whole new direction, right?”
She laughed as the blush on her cheeks deepened. “Yeah, that would be me, all right.”
“So how’s your foot?” he asked.
“Good. It healed really well.” As she stared through the glass, she noticed her own reflection superimposed over the fireflies, and she could see the hope and fear in her eyes yet didn’t understand why, at that moment, she looked more alive than she ever had. What was it about Jordan that made her feel this way?
“I’m glad to hear that. I was hoping you’d let me know.”
“So what’s going on with you.” She slowly walked over to the chair and wondered what he would say.
“Well, I got married a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been busy between classes, work, and remodeling the house.”
Part of her sank at the mention of him getting married. Then again, she had known it was coming. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Her hair slipped into her eyes, and she brushed it back. “Oh, wow. Sounds like you’ve really been busy. No time for canoeing, eh?”
He laughed. “Nope. Besides, what fun is there in canoeing if you don’t have a partner who is willing to tip it over for the hell of it?”
His voice was warm, and she could almost see him at the other end, standing on his front porch, maybe, and smiling as though the moonlight actually had touched him as much as it had her.
“I guess you have a point.” She wanted to say something else, but nothing came to mind, and the silence between them felt interminable.
“Is everything all right, Nicole?” he asked softly, all traces of laughter leaving.
“Oh, yeah,” she said, plastering a fake grin on her face. “Everything is just fine. Really. More than anything, I just wanted to wish you a great marriage and say thanks again for helping me on the PE trip.”
“Thanks, Nicole. And if you need something, just give me a call any time, okay?”
“Yeah.” She nodded as she disconnected the call and sank into a seat, both feeling a warmth streaking through her from talking with Jordan and an emptiness from feeling as though he were lost again. She didn’t know how long she had sat there, staring into space and replaying the conversation, but she jumped when Sarah ambled through the doorway, her eyes scrutinizing Sarah for clues to the conversation while she sat at the table by her best friend.
“You called him, didn’t you?” she asked, offering Nicole a wicked grin.
“Yes,” Nicole said.
Sarah immediately scooted her chair closer. “Okay then, out with it--inquiring minds want to know.”
Nicole got up and opened the fridge. She definitely wasn’t hungry after the lasagna, but she felt empty and figured that maybe seeking some comfort from her misery might make things feel easier.
“It wasn’t that big of a deal. We just had a low-key conversation. It wasn’t any big thing, if you want the truth.” Of course, if it weren't anything big, why was her heart hammering in her chest as though it were going to break out? Why did she feel so lightheaded and excited? It had nothing to do with the blind date. She knew that much.
“So why are you all flushed as though it was important?” Sarah asked, propping her elbow on the table to support her head. “I mean, you look really guilty of something.”
“It’s nothing, okay?” Nicole chewed her bottom lip and tried not to think about the exact thing Sarah was pushing so hard for her to focus on.
“Look, sweetie,” Sarah began, setting her hand atop Nicole’s. “I’m not stupid. I know you really like this guy. Even though we both know he’s married, your heart doesn’t seem to be getting that message. It’s just not ready to hear it. But you can’t just sit around and compare every guy to Jordan. Your date will lose every time to somebody you can’t have.”
Nicole swallowed hard and nodded. “Don’t you think I know that? It’s not like I want things to be this way. They just are, and I don’t know what to do about them.”
Sarah picked up the scrap of paper from Nicole and said, “Put this away. Maybe someday you’ll be ready to just be his friend, but I don’t see it happening any time soon, Nic. I know you never expected to fall head over heels in love. You never have before. But it’s written all over your face.”
Sarah touched her cheeks and felt the flush burning there. She wanted to argue with her best friend, but she knew Sarah was right. Instead of arguing, she held out her hand for the scrap. “Okay, you win. I’ll put it up somewhere so I won’t be tempted to call. Happy?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m happy,” Sarah said, handing back the paper. “You’re the one who's so stuck on this guy.”
Nicole stood and headed to her room, where she tugged open the closet and stared up at a column of photo boxes. She used a stool to pull down the top box, and without stepping off the stool, set the paper inside. Of course, she knew it wouldn’t change anything. The number was in her phone, and she wasn't about to tell Sarah that. It would be one thing if Jordan were just a minor distraction, but there was nothing minor about him, and that was the problem.
She looked over at the canvas where she'd started a new painting. Although she had barely gotten much of the landscaping in, there, in the center of the canvas, she'd taped her inspiration--that picture of her and Jordan on the bridge. She sighed and gently set the easel into the closet, figuring she'd work on it when Sarah wasn't around to ask questions Nicole didn't have answers to.
Chapter Five
“You’re awfully quiet,” Alyssa said as she lay in bed, an open book she paid no mind to propped in one hand. Her long, blonde hair spilled down the front of her nightgown, and her face, freshly washed, shimmered in the soft florescent glow.
“It’s kind of been a long day,” Jordan said, sitting on the side of the bed to pull off his shoes and socks. He drew his shirt over his head. Not only did the air caress his bare skin, but he also felt Alyssa’s fingers gently stroking the center of his back with her fingernails.
“Is everything okay?” she asked softly, staring in hopes his dark eyes would meet her light blue ones.
“Sure,”
He reached out and took her hand.
“I don’t know. I just keep getting these weird vibes that seem to say something is off between us, and it worries me.” She chewed her bottom lip nervously.
“You’re worried?” Jordan kept a straight expression despite the discomfort he felt. Although before the wedding Alyssa had been so distracted with all the details, now she seemed to pick up on the subtlest nuances of his every mood, and she could feel something amiss within him. Hell, he could feel that same something rocking his world, but he wasn’t about to admit it was a problem. It was a distraction, yes, but not one capable of real harm, of that he was sure.
Not knowing what else to do, he turned his body to face her and held his arms wide. Smiling she fell into them so her head slipped beneath his chin as he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her ever more tightly to him.
He closed his eyes, willing himself not to think about Nicole but instead about the woman in his arms, the same one he’d promised to love forever. He wanted to believe his feelings for Nicole had been just a test and that they would pass in time. They had to.
“So what are you worried about?” he asked softly, kissing the top of her head.
“You just seem so distant, like even though we’re in the same room, you’re a million miles away.”
He laughed softly, but the amusement never touched his eyes. “Alyssa, I’m right here. With you. How much closer can I get?”
She drew back slightly and studied his face. “You think this is about physical distance, but it’s not. You just seem to stay lost in your own little world, and sometimes I feel like you’re doing that because I can’t possibly reach you there.”
He brushed the hair from her eyes and caressed her cheek. “There’re always a million things going on between work and school. You know that. There’s nothing to be worried about. I promise.”
She gave him one last, long look before slowly falling into his arms again and resting there. His hand crept up and down her back, and the feel of the silken nightgown caught his attention.
“Have I mentioned how good you look in red silk?” His voice was deep and rough as desire suddenly overtook him.
“No,” Alyssa giggled. “I really don’t think you have.”
Jordan leaned closer and brushed his lips across her throat. “You definitely look good enough to eat.” He slightly nipped her neck slightly.
Long after the two of them had made love and curled up for the night, Jordan lay in bed, still awake, watching moonlight filter in around the curtains. The sound of crickets to filled his senses, and he looked at Alyssa, his hand resting on her shoulder as her body spooned against his. In the moonlight, her hair appeared a dark gold, like wheat, as it slipped across her face, and her slow, steady breathing should have comforted him. At one time, he would have thought this enough, that if every evening unfolded as this one had, he would be a lucky man.
Unable to take the stillness anymore, he eased himself from his wife’s embrace and stood. The night air was warm against his bare chest, and he tugged on his boxers and pants before he slipped from the room, headed for the office.
Raking his fingers through his hair, he slipped into his rolling chair. Although two of his textbooks lay spread open on the desk, he wasn’t interested in doing the homework. He’d do that later. Instead, he turned on the computer and waited for it to warm up so he could surf the net. He sorted through a few of sites before realizing that research, which had always been a sort of panacea for all kinds of worries, wasn’t going to help him sleep this time.
He took a deep breath and let it out before leaning back in his chair and opening the desk drawer where he found the leaf and one of the cactus spines. He knew there were strange things to keep, but in some ways he felt that if he hadn’t saved something from that weekend, it would have seemed only made up as his mind blurred the details, rather like the dreams he'd had in childhood. Sometimes it seemed difficult to know which were real and which were created anymore.
Why did he keep coming back to Nicole? It had only been a weekend PE class, for crying out loud. He toyed with the cactus spine and closed his eyes. Without warning, he found himself back in time. He could feel her resting on his back as he carried her, laughing at his jokes. He’d thought that by getting married he could diminish the memory, but it had remained with him, and he was beginning to doubt anything would get rid of it.
No, he hadn’t told Nicole how good it had really been to hear from her when she'd called, but he’d thought it. He twirled the spine in his hand, remembering the timbre of her voice. There was something soothing and earthy about it. Perhaps that was the problem. Alyssa was a city girl, always had been and always would be. He sensed Nicole was something different, and that intrigued him beyond measure.
“What are you doing up?”
He glanced up to find Alyssa in the doorway, her body leaning against the frame as she clutched it with both hands.
“Just having a little trouble winding down,” he said, casually dropping the leaf and spine into his drawer and then closing it.
Alyssa offered a sweet smile as she slowly eased into the room and walked to the back of his chair. Setting her hands on his shoulders, she began a gentle massage. “I think this is probably just what you need.”
He closed his eyes and savored the feel of her hands kneading his muscles. “Mmmm. I think you might be right.”
“Why don’t you come back to bed with me?”
“Okay.” He looked at the closed drawer and tried to push Nicole from his thoughts, telling himself yet again it was just a friendship the two had shared, nothing more. As Alyssa stretched out her hand, he took it in his and eased himself from the chair. Arm in arm, they exited the office and headed back toward the bedroom next where he lay on the cool cotton sheets and felt his wife gently curl up to him, her head tucked beneath his chin.
Smiling, he drew the covers over them both and let his eyes acclimate themselves to the darkness. He tried to sleep, but once again, it refused to come. What did come, however, was a small list of things he planned to get tomorrow to work on that camera. he still wasn't sure he could fix it, but there wasn't any harm in trying it.
“Okay, I won’t be party to this moping you’re doing, Nic. It’s just not working for me.” Sarah stood before her with her hands on her hips.
“Moping?” Nicole muttered, leaning back on the couch. “I’m not moping.”
“Aren’t you?” Sarah sat beside her on the couch. “Your body might still live here, but it’s as if you’ve gone to wherever Jordan is. And how long has it been since you’ve been on a date, anyway?” She patted Nicole’s knee.
“Last month I went out with that stupid jock, Theo Watkins. I think that was enough dating for a while. He was all over me.” She shuddered at the memory and knew that no matter what, every guy she tried to go out with, or even those she thought about going out with. were quickly compared to Jordan, and they always came up lacking.
“Okay, so you still hate jocks. We both knew that. Why don’t you pick another guy to unleash your devastating charm upon? If you haven’t noticed they're all over the place, just waiting for your attention.”
Nicole shrugged and looked out the window where a robin sat in the tree. “I’m not into it right now.”
Sarah quickly stood and threw up her hands. “You see? That’s the exact answer I suspected. Now if Jordan were here, I can damn well believe you’d be wanting to go out with him in no time, right?”
The bird flew away, forcing Nicole to pay attention to her best friend. “Why do you keep bringing up Jordan?”
“Because he’s here no matter what we say or don’t. We might as well acknowledge that he’s the invisible elephant in the room.” Sarah folded her arms across her chest. “There was a time you never thought you’d fall in love. Now look at you.”
Nicole felt her cheeks getting hot and forced herself to get up a
“You know enough. Let’s at least be honest about that, Nic.”
Nicole took a drink and turned to Sarah. “You're obsessed with this.”
“I’m obsessed?” Sarah touched her finger to her chest. “I’m obsessed. I don’t think so. You’re the one who's always thinking about him. It doesn’t matter what you say. I know you, and I know exactly where you're going with this. You fell in love, and you’re not willing to admit it. I’d give anything to know if it happened to him, too."
Nicole took a sip. “He was already in love. It just wasn’t with me. And he’s married, by the way.”
Sarah grabbed Nicole by the shoulders and shook her. “That may well be, but you aren’t. You’re alive and breathing in a world with guys who would probably love to go out with you, and you’re oblivious, so we’re going to fix that.” She pulled her hands back and turned abruptly.
Not liking the ominous way that sounded, Nicole frowned. “And what exactly did you have in mind, Sarah?”
“Something that's is going to take all weekend, and because I’m your best friend, I don’t want to hear any arguments.” She started to walk away, but Nicole grabbed her arm.
“Sarah, I’m not going out on any blind dates. I know what your tastes in guys are, and, well, no thanks. I can make my own mistakes whenever I feel like it.”
“Funny, Nic.” Sarah shook her head. “This weekend won’t involve any blind dates. I can promise you that, but don’t push for anything more. Consider it an early birthday present.” She touched the doorway.
“My last birthday involved massive amounts of alcohol and lots of strangers. Did I mention I hated that party?” Nicole sat at the table and glared at her best friend. “Are you insane?”
“Certifiable. Then again, you already knew that.”
Nicole glared at Sarah’s diminishing backside and pulled out her cell. For a couple of moments, she just stared at the dark screen, her fingers hovering over the buttons as she saw her reflection in the glass. She wanted to argue with Sarah, but something inside her knew better. Her best friend knew her too well, and she would win this fight because no matter how much she wanted to deny having feelings for Jordan, she knew it wouldn’t feel like this if he were just a friend. That definitely caused just a few problems because he wasn’t exactly someone she could ever date, no matter how much she might like him.