Something Like Winter by Jay Bell
He thought about telling them the truth, of daring them to judge him as they did Ben. Those tears in his mother’s eyes—for a person she barely knew—would be magnified a hundredfold. Whether it was true or not, his mother would believe with complete conviction that her son was going to Hell, and it would break her heart.
“What do you expect me to do?” Tim rasped. “He’s my friend.”
“No, he isn’t,” his father announced, as if it were up to him to decide. As it turned out, he could. “I’ll pull you out of school if those are the sorts of friends you have. You can go to a military academy instead. Then you’ll regret abusing the freedom we give you. Is that what you want?”
“No,” Tim said.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have left Kansas,” his mother said.
Yeah, like there weren’t gay people there too. But what his father said next made his blood run cold.
“We can move back if we need to.”
They would do anything to split him and Ben up, and they only knew half the truth.
“You should be going to the movies with your girlfriend on a Saturday night,” his mother said.
Tim met her gaze, wondering if she saw the jolt of fear he felt. Did she know? She must be suspicious. She certainly wasn’t stupid. Maybe she liked Ben, but while they were laughing through a cheesy Jim Carrey movie, holding hands even though the film wasn’t the slightest bit romantic, she had been at home putting the puzzle pieces together. The tears in his mother’s eyes took on new meaning. They were tentative, an expression of the pain caused by her suspicions.
“Krista wasn’t feeling well,” Tim said, his tongue feeling numb. “Girl problems. I only went out with Ben because I felt sorry for him.”
“Of course!” His mother sounded so hopeful, ready to accept any other conclusion than the one she feared.
But when Tim glanced at his father, he saw none of that. Instead his father’s silver eyes watched him intently, daring him to hurt his wife again. Tim knew he couldn’t say or do anything to reassure him. Thomas would be monitoring him closely from now on. Tim supposed he should feel happy. He had always wanted his parents to take an interest in his life. Now they had.
Chapter Ten
Tim pounded on Ben’s front door the next morning, having barely slept at all, alternating between anger and despair so often that he didn’t know who he blamed anymore. The only certainty was that his worst fear had come true. What he and Ben had together was ruined.
Ben answered the door wearing the same stupid smile they shared last night, like they had won an election or something. Tim hated the reminder of how naïve they had been, so he said something guaranteed to wipe the smile from Ben’s face.
“They don’t want me to see you anymore.”
“What?”
“My parents. They don’t want me to be your friend.”
Ben’s hurt expression almost extinguished the fire inside, but Tim had tried to warn him. No, he couldn’t stop feeling pissed, because all of this was Ben’s fault!
“What happened? I thought they liked me?”
“They did, Benjamin, but Jesus Christ, they’re Catholic! They aren’t going to ignore their religion just because you can bullshit about sports or geography.”
Ben glanced behind him, checking to see if his family had heard before stepping outside and closing the door. “Maybe they just need some time to—”
“To what? Call the Pope and ask him to change the rules for you?” Tim kicked at the concrete walkway, trying to keep his anger from turning into tears. “I told you this would happen. I told you they would get in the way. How could I have been so stupid?”
“Nothing is in our way!” Ben sounded more desperate than confident. “So they aren’t going to invite me to dinner again. Big deal! We just go about things like we did before.”
“Do we? We just keep screwing around until the day they find us together? Jesus!”
“I think we can definitely leave him out of this.”
Tim glared at him. “This isn’t funny! My parents are going to be looking at me differently now. Questioning why their son is hanging around with someone like you!” Tim did his best impression of his father. “Gee, honey, how come our son brought a gay guy to dinner and not his girlfriend? Hm. I fucking wonder!”
“Stop it.”
“That’s exactly what we should do!”
He hated the words, but he wouldn’t take them back. They were inevitable. Ben had pushed and pushed and pushed, and now everything was broken. Tim didn’t know how to fix it. No one could. He turned and walked away, desperate to put space between him and the hurt shock on Ben’s face.
“Don’t ever come back!” Ben shouted after him.
Tim swore to himself that he never would.
* * * * *
The door to Tim’s bedroom clicked open. He glanced at the clock without shifting in bed. Just after midnight. Their usual time. Sometimes when Ben arrived, Tim was already asleep, not waking until he felt Ben’s body next to his. On nights like tonight, Tim hadn’t slept a wink. He was exhausted, tossing and turning and regretting the scene at Ben’s house.
He rolled over in bed and watched Ben as he undressed, moving the sheets back when he came near. Ben lay facing him, reaching out to touch his face, but Tim grabbed his wrist and used it to pin him, the anger and desperation rising up and manifesting as hard kisses. Ben fought back, wrestling him and grabbing him without permission, like two mad men trying to violate each other. Then, at the same time, they slowed, their bodies pressing together, the kisses soft again.
“Why does everything have to be so stupid?” Tim whispered to him.
Ben sighed. “I don’t know.”
Then they made love, comforting each other with gentle motions. In the morning, they didn’t talk about sexuality, parents, or coming out. Tim breathed a sigh of relief. Finally Ben had seen the truth, understood how the world would get between them if they weren’t careful. They had come dangerously close to losing each other, but now, with this new understanding, they would be safe.
* * * * *
The stereo speakers thumped with bass, family photos shaking on the wall. Everyone at the party was shouting to be heard. Disgruntled neighbors summoning the police was inevitable. Maybe that’s why people guzzled their drinks down so desperately.
Bryce’s parents were crazy to give their son the run of the house, even if it was his birthday. Good thing the Hunters were staying at a hotel for the night. They’d probably keel over from heart attacks if they could see their home now. Already the house was trashed, the birthday boy not even conscious to enjoy the chaos. Bryce’s massive form was passed out in a recliner that barely held him, his limbs hanging off the front and sides. He looked like a giant in a child’s chair.
Tim turned the music down slowly so people wouldn’t notice. No sense in the police coming before he drank his fill. Once everyone was talking instead of shouting, he grabbed another beer from the ice-stuffed cooler and flopped down on the couch. Krista was across the room, flirting with some guy who Tim had never seen. The previous boyfriend had barely lasted a week, so she was fair game again. Krista had followed Tim around the party until this new guy showed up, giving him much-needed space.
To Tim’s dismay, that space was now filled by Stacy Shelly. She slid on to the couch beside him, raising a glass of wine in toast. No one else at the party was drinking wine, which meant she either brought her own or had raided the Hunters’ cabinets.
Tim clinked his beer bottle against her glass and asked, “What are we drinking to?”
“Ben Bentley,” Stacy said.
Tim shrugged and took a drink, not showing a hint of the adrenaline that shot into his system. “Who’s he?”
“AstroWorld,” Stacy said next.
Tim shook his head. “I know it’s difficult, but try forming complete sentences.”
This earned him a scowl. “Molly Desai works at AstroWorld. Although I can’t stand her, apparentl
Tim laughed and didn’t even have to fake it. “Some girl I’ve never heard of can’t have me, and that makes me gay?” But Tim knew there was more to it than that. Stacy had already told him everything he needed to know, but still he played stupid.
“Molly claims she saw you and Ben Bentley at AstroWorld together, and as you know, Ben is the biggest fruit in town.”
Tim took another swig of his beer. That had been what… four months ago? They had been so careful the last couple of weeks, ever since dinner with his parents. Now some stupid past indiscretion had crawled from its grave to haunt them.
“First of all, I’ve never been to AstroWorld. Second, I think Krista can attest to just how gay I am.”
Stacy laughed. “So she felt your boner once. Yes, she told me about that, but for all I know, you could have been thinking about Ben at the time.”
Tim leaned forward, close enough that he could taste the fumes on her breath. Stacy didn’t lean back to get away from him. Instead she moved closer, just the fraction of an inch. And he knew he had her. “This isn’t about some gay guy or how far Krista and I went, is it? This about you, wondering if I can fuck as good as you’ve been imagining. Do you want to find out, Stacy? Do you want me to take you in that bathroom right now, put you on the sink, spread your legs, and fuck you?”
That vicious fire was back in Stacy’s eyes, but she wasn’t angry. She was ready.
“Fine,” Tim said, leaning back. “Let’s do it. But you run along ahead of me. No matter what you’ve heard, I can be discreet.”
“So can I,” Stacy said. Then she stood. “Master bedroom, upstairs, last door on the right. Bathrooms are for trash.” Stacy stood and walked into the party, saying hello to a few people so she was seen. Then she doubled back and headed up the stairs. Tim waited until she was out of sight, then got to his feet and went to where Bryce was slumbering. Tim slugged him in the arm twice, as hard as he could, to wake him up.
“Huh?”
“Hey, birthday boy. Your girlfriend wants you to fuck her. She’s waiting in your parents’ bedroom.”
“Oh, okay.”
Bryce stood, swiped the half-empty beer bottle from Tim’s hand, and went upstairs. Tim grabbed a fresh one from the cooler on his way out the door. Stacy would be furious with him, but Tim now had dirt he could use against her. If she wanted him to keep quiet about her near-indiscretion, then she better not utter a word about him and Ben.
* * * * *
“Thank you.”
These were the last words Tim expected to hear breathed over the phone. Stacy sounded hung-over as hell, but she didn’t sound angry.
“For what?”
“You know what,” she replied. “I was really, really, drunk.”
But not so drunk that she didn’t know what she was doing. Tim had seen her out-drink Bryce before, her mind remaining razor sharp, but he played along. “Yeah, I figured. I had a few too many myself.”
“Does Bryce know?”
“No,” Tim said. “I just sent him upstairs. I didn’t think you would mind.”
“Of course not.”
There was an awkward moment of silence. Tim was wondering if he should blackmail her into keeping quiet, or if deep down she was decent enough that he wouldn’t have to ask. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.
“Well, I’m going to pop some aspirin and sleep this off,” he said.
“Good idea.”
Another pause.
“Hey, Tim?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you have? I mean, if Bryce wasn’t in the picture.”
No, because of Ben, and because Tim doubted he would survive the experience. She still scared the hell out of him, but at least he had convinced her the gay rumor wasn’t true. “Yeah,” he lied. “Of course I would.” His ego grumbled in hunger. “Would you? If you were single and sober, I mean.”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
Tim chuckled and Stacy laughed before they said goodbye and hung up the phone. Close one! Tim had played it sloppy and loose, but gotten lucky. Stacy thought he wanted her, which should take the heat off Ben. But Tim would have to be smart. The first crack in his mask had shown, and if he wasn’t careful, it could crumble into pieces.
* * * * *
Tim was running, and for once it didn’t feel good. Fucking hormones! They caused temporary brain damage, he was sure of it. That, and the evening had been one giant adrenaline rush. Summer was fast approaching. Baseball was in regional playoffs, and today’s game had been one of his best. When he had met Ben in the park afterwards… well, he had been horny as hell. Not that he planned on doing him right then and there, but they were both victims of their stupid urges.
Ben had been blowing him when the police flashlights shined in Tim’s eyes. Now they were screwed, but in another way entirely. In that split second Tim could see his world falling apart. The police at his house, the looks on his parents’ faces, time in juvenile hall followed by the military academy. Hell, he’d sign up to be shipped away considering what would happen when word got around school.
Those nightmares only came true if they were caught. Tim could run. He did almost every day, so he doubted the cop huffing behind him would ever catch up, but he still worried he had been recognized. As for Ben, Tim had abandoned him, saying they should split up. He sure as hell hoped his boyfriend could run too, because Ben was on his own now.
Tim made it to his neighborhood with no sign of pursuit. Still he ran, slowing to a jog to appear casual until he reached his house. The driveway was full of cars, none of them familiar. He swore. His parents had that stupid dinner party tonight, plying their favorite business contacts with food and drink. Tim wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to slow his breathing—not an easy task since his insides were sizzling with panic.
Calming down as much as he could, Tim went inside. Thankfully, the festivities were still confined to the dining room. The front room was decorated but empty, ready for the mingling that would follow the meal, allowing him to go upstairs to his room undetected. Once there he paced restlessly. Maybe he had gotten away, but Ben could be sitting in the back of a police car right now, the cops grilling him. Ben wouldn’t rat Tim out—ever—but who knew what the Bentleys might say when the police arrived at their door.
-clink!-
Tim spun around, facing the window.
-clink! clink!-
Shutting off the light, he returned to the window. Ben was down there in the backyard, face upturned to him. He hadn’t been caught, but his presence here didn’t ease Tim’s anxiety. He snuck out the front door and hurried around to the back. If anyone at the party glanced out a window they would see Ben waiting there, so Tim grabbed his arm and took him around to the shadows at the side of the house.
“Did they catch you?”
“No. Well, yeah.” Ben stuttered. “I don’t know. They’re at my parents’ house.”
“Shit!” Tim stepped away from the wall, checking his driveway for red and blue flashing lights.
“Don’t worry, they only—”
“Don’t worry? The fucking cops caught us screwing!”
Ben sighed, like Tim was being unreasonable. “They don’t know about you! They only know about me because I ran into Daniel Wigmore.”
“Who?”
“A guy who goes to our school.”
Tim’s stomach sank. He had barely dodged a bullet with Stacy and AstroWorld. She hadn’t mentioned Ben since, but now some guy had seen them going at it. “Someone was watching us?”
“No!”
“How do you know?”
“He was too far away.” Ben shook his head, irritated. “I don’t know!”
Ben crossed his arms over his chest, meeting Tim’s scowl with one of his own. “Look, I’ll tell them I was blowing Daniel. Problem solved.”
“They saw me,” Tim stressed, his throat raw. “We’re fucked!”
“No, we aren’t.” Ben reached out, like they were about to get sentimental at a time like this, but Tim stepped back.
“Yes, we are. Everything’s fucked up.” And it would keep being that way. Eventually Tim’s parents would catch Ben sneaking in, or enough people at school would come forward with stories and sightings. He could only fight off the rumors for so long. And like Kansas, all the admiration paid to him now would turn to hate. He liked Ben, maybe more than that, but their relationship would explode into the open eventually. Worst of all, his mom would never stop crying if she found out. His parents would turn their backs on him completely. And for what? It’s not like they could get married or have a life together. Ben made everything sound possible, when really, the opposite was true.
What they had together wasn’t love. It was an addiction. Even looking at Ben now, Tim’s body was screaming to be near him, to hold him, even if it would destroy them both. “Jesus, what did I let you do to me?”
“Do to you?” Ben was incredulous, moving dangerously close to him. “I didn’t ‘do’ anything. This isn’t a choice. It’s who we are!”
But Tim did have a choice. He had been with girls before and could be again. But not while Ben was around. “Get away from me.” Tim shoved him and tried to walk away, but Ben caught his arm and swung him back around.
“This isn’t something you can control!” Ben’s grip was tight, his words desperate. “You can’t just push me away and expect to stop feeling—”
No! Tim didn’t want to hear it! “I can’t do this anymore!” He pulled his arm away, but Ben wouldn’t leave him alone, coming nearer. He knew. If Ben touched him enough, he knew Tim was too weak to resist. He pushed Ben away again, half-blind from the tears in his eyes. “It’s over! Go home.”