Something Like Winter by Jay Bell
“From the red mark on your cheek,” Marcello said, “I take it your friend said no.”
“He said yes.” Tim grimaced. “His boyfriend said no.”
Marcello chuckled, clapping his hands together. “Well, be sure to make your next move before the dust settles.”
“Huh?”
“Little infidelities can either tear a couple apart or push them together again. It just depends on how forgiving the other person is.”
Great. Jace was ridiculously noble and would probably try harder in their relationship. “Round two will have to wait because I think they took off. I’m about to do the same.”
“Not before I blow out the candles on my cake.”
“Yeah, all right.” Tim tried to put the whole incident behind him and act cheerful. After all, it was Marcello’s birthday. But after a slice of cake he said a quick goodbye and left the restaurant. On his way, he bumped into Allison.
“Tim! Where are the boys? I’ve been looking everywhere.”
Man. Couldn’t they have taken Allison with them? “I’m pretty sure they left.”
“Without me?”
He shrugged.
Allison gave him a knowing look. “What did you do?”
Tim rolled his eyes and headed for the parking lot, Allison on his heels.
“You can’t just abandon me here!”
“There are shuttle buses leaving later.”
“There’s a bus leaving now, and I’m the only passenger!”
Tim glanced back at her. They were two peas in a pod, Ben and Allison. “Come on then.”
He was sure he would get the third degree, but as they hit the highway, Allison had other things on her mind.
“Twenty-three, a licensed lifeguard, and drop dead gorgeous,” she raved. “And he still lives with his mother?”
“I don’t think being a lifeguard pays very much,” Tim replied.
“That doesn’t matter, not to me. He likes living with his mother and was talking about me meeting her. I suggested dinner. He suggested lunch with his mom. I’m sorry, but if you already have a lady in your life, I’m not interested. Especially if you’re related to her.”
Tim laughed. “If he was that hot, you could have slept with him before bailing.”
“Only guys think that way.” Allison paused. “Okay, so maybe women think like that too, but we don’t act on it as much. Speaking of which.”
“What?”
“You know what. You did something to chase Ben and Jace away.”
Tim shrugged. “It takes two to tango.”
Allison sighed, shaking her head. “Ben, Ben, Ben. Why does he never listen to me?”
“Nothing personal, but I’m glad he doesn’t.”
“I bet!” Allison gave him a playful slap on the arm.
Tim glanced over at her. “You aren’t pissed at me?”
“I don’t know all the details yet. Give me time.”
Why the hell not? Tim told her everything that had happened. She’d hear it all from Ben anyway.
“It’s just nostalgia,” Allison said when he was finished.
“No, it’s not.”
“It is. You’re both in love with the person you remember from high school. Have you changed?”
“Yeah, of course, but—”
“So has Ben.”
“That doesn’t mean it won’t work. We’re more compatible now because we’ve changed.”
Allison wasn’t convinced. “That’s what you think. You won’t know until you try. Everything is different now. When you first met Ben, he was desperate for any kind of relationship. He would have fallen for any guy willing to have him. After high school, he never had trouble finding a boyfriend, and since Jace, he’s been totally happy.”
“And yet he kissed me back.”
“Nostalgia,” Allison repeated. “Maybe it could work, but to find out, you would have to wreck a two-year relationship.”
“Ben and I were together a year,” he retorted, but that sounded lame even to his own ears. How much of that time did Ben spend trying to get Tim to ditch Krista and admit his feelings? With Jace, it was probably fireworks and valentines from the very beginning. Maybe Allison was right. He didn’t stand a chance.
But once he had dropped her off, Tim’s mind wandered back to that kiss in the grotto, how more than their bodies had caught fire. They belonged together, and Tim wasn’t about to make the same mistake again. This time he wouldn’t let Ben go.
* * * * *
“We need to talk.”
Tim tried to analyze Ben’s voice. Over the phone he couldn’t rely on facial expression. Did he sound wistful? Reluctant?
“About what?” Tim replied.
Ben hesitated. “Everything.”
That was vague. “Okay. Like this, or—?”
“Can I come over?”
“Yeah! Of course. How about right now?”
“All right.” Ben didn’t sound particularly happy or excited. “I’ll see you soon.”
Tim paced the house for the next hour, walking to the front windows and checking the driveway. This was bad. Had Ben said “I need to see you!” he wouldn’t be worried right now. Instead they were going to talk, but what couldn’t be said over the phone? Of course this could be a good thing. In person, they could pick up where they had left off.
When Ben’s car pulled in the driveway, Tim was already out the door and standing in the yard before the engine went silent. Ben seemed preoccupied, barely looking in his direction. Then the car door opened and something small and fat hopped out and ran to him, its whole body quivering with excitement.
Tim stared in surprise. “You got a dog?”
“No,” Ben corrected, “you got a dog.”
Tim squatted, the puppy doing little leaps to lick at his face. The little booger was ugly in the most adorable way possible. Tim stroked its head and jiggled its furry sides, laughing at the loose skin that looked like a kid dressed up in grownup clothing. “This is a bulldog, right?”
“Yeah.” Ben kneeled on the grass, the puppy running back and forth between them. “I was on my way over here and stopped for some beer—uh, which I totally forgot about—and there was this lady looking for a good home for these puppies. I figure not many people have a home better than you.”
Tim sniffed, but not because he was moved. “What smells like pee?”
“That would be me.” Ben winced. “She got excited and peed all over my shirt.”
“It’s a girl? Hm. She needs a good Spanish name. Pepita maybe.”
Ben flashed him a smile, always loving it when Tim broke out the foreign lingo. “What’s that mean?”
“Pumpkin seed. Sounds cute, doesn’t it?”
Ben shook his head. “Too random!”
Tim grabbed the puppy, trying to get her to hold still for a few seconds so he could take a look. The little fat body and squashed face reminded him of another animal. “Then she’ll be my little Chinchilla! Isn’t that right, my stubby little puppy? Are you my Chinchilla?”
The dog barked, causing them to laugh. Tim met Ben’s eye, catching the tender admiration there, but he was still worried. This hadn’t been the plan. Ben meant to pick up beer for their big talk, which was probably intended to soften the blow. But maybe Chinchilla had earned him another shot.
“I don’t have anything a dog needs. Let’s go shopping!”
“What, now?”
“Yeah, why not?”
After running into the house to fetch Ben a clean shirt, they piled into Tim’s car like a perfect little family and headed to a huge pet store. Normally Tim tried to be cautious with the money Eric had left him, but not today. He splurged on everything a dog could need from the very best puppy food to just about every toy the store offered. He even ordered a dog house to be delivered—not that Chinchilla would need to sleep there unless she wanted to.
Then they brought her home, letting her tear into her new toys and chasing after her as she plowed through the
“This was a nice surprise,” Tim said casually. “I thought you were coming over to tell me that Jace wants my head on a platter.”
“No.” Ben’s face became guarded. “Jace was very understanding about everything, but there is something we need to talk about.”
“Oh yeah?”
“I can’t handle this.” Now the mask slipped, Ben looking strained. “My feelings for you, I mean. They never went away—”
“That’s a good thing,” Tim interrupted.
“No, it’s not. I love Jace. I’ve been with him a long time, and I plan on staying with him.”
Tim grabbed his arm. “I can give you everything he can. More, even.”
Ben shook his head, jaw clenching. “I’m with Jace. And that’s how it’s going to stay.”
Tim let go. The words stung. Maybe he had moved too quickly, but it wasn’t too late. They could start over, build up slowly. “Okay. Fine. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
“Yeah, it does, Tim, because that’s not how I see you.”
“That’s not how I see you either, so why fight it?”
“Because I love Jace, and I’ve already hurt him more than I ever should have.”
“And you don’t love me?” Tim pleaded. “I know you do, because I feel the same way.”
Ben stared at him wide-eyed and confused. Then he leapt to his feet, Chinchilla’s head whipping up in response. “I have to go. I don’t think we should see each other. For a while, at least.”
Ben headed for the door, breaking into a run when he reached the hallway.
“Benjamin, wait!”
Tim chased after him, Chinchilla following like it was a game. Ben was getting in his car when Tim made it outside, but Chinchilla didn’t see him, stocky legs pumping as she kept running for the sheer joy of it. She was heading for the street, and Tim had a nightmare vision of Ben—blinded by tears as he sped away—running over her. Tim sprinted and leapt, nearly tackling Chinchilla to stop her. She squirmed safely in his arms as he raised his head to see Ben leaving him all over again.
Chapter Twenty-five
Tim didn’t realize he had a routine until it was broken. No longer could he shuffle to the fridge in the morning, bleary-eyed and miserable until he chugged that first can of Coke. Now he barely managed to get his bathrobe on before a little monster had bitten the hem, tugging and growling playfully. Sometimes Tim managed to grab a drink on the way to the backyard so Chinchilla could pee—on the rare occasion she went outside to do so instead of piddling on the carpet. Then Chinchilla had to be fed, after which she wanted to play.
The dog came first, and only after her needs were satisfied did Tim make time for himself. This helped the weeks pass less painfully than they would have otherwise. But as he got used to his new life as a doggy dad, Tim found himself stewing more on what had happened.
Anger and jealously toward Jace troubled him for a couple of weeks, along with a healthy portion of blame toward his teenage self who had given it all away. Then he became more reasonable, telling himself it was time to cut his losses and move on.
There was one prospect. Aaron was in Tim’s contemporary art course. They had noticed each other early in the semester, mostly because Tim caught Aaron staring so often. Aaron was gay. He was too primped to be anything else. Tim had known frat boys obsessed with their appearance, but they normally drew the line at powder and base.
Aaron’s style had a strange appeal, an alluring touch of femininity with all the benefits of being a boy. So Tim had playfully winked at him one day. Ever since, Aaron made excuses to talk to Tim after class, practically panting each sentence in his enthusiasm. Today was no exception. As they walked through the halls, Aaron filled the silence between them with an air of desperation, as if searching for the magic phrase that would make Tim want to be with him.
“It’s like, I wish there was another year of college,” he was saying. “I could use the time to figure out what the hell I want to do, you know?”
Tim nodded. He certainly did.
“When you’re a kid you think, ‘oh, I’ll be a doctor,’ and it’s as simple as that. What am I going to do with a degree in fashion design? I like dressing up, but I could give a shit what anyone else wants to wear. You know what I’m thinking of doing after I graduate? Going to a beauty academy.”
Tim glanced over at him. “You need a degree to get into one of those places?”
“More like five thousand bucks.” Aaron laughed madly. “My parents are going to kill me, but I don’t care. They made me come here. I told them after high school that I just want to cut hair and give makeovers! Me, making the world more beautiful, one middle-aged woman at a time.”
Shamelessly proud of who he was, Aaron had the blond hair and the slender frame. He wasn’t so different from Ben, really. Maybe he would be close enough. Tim stopped, Aaron walking a few more steps before he noticed.
“What’s up?”
“Come here,” Tim said, voice husky.
Aaron fidgeted and flushed before he complied. When he was close enough, Tim put a hand on his neck, leaned forward, and kissed him. Aaron tasted like the gum he’d been smacking, his breath minty fresh. He was a good kisser, letting Tim lead but not remaining passive. And Tim felt nothing. Not even a stirring in his pants.
“What was that for?” Aaron grinned when Tim pulled away.
“Just because. I’ll see you around.”
Once outside, Tim walked around the building to get away from the parking lot where their cars were. When he felt enough distance, he leaned against the brick wall of the building and resisted the urge to bang the back of his head against it. So stupid! Of course no one could compare to Ben, but it had seemed worth a shot anyway. Life would be so much easier if he could move on.
Tim knew now that he couldn’t.
* * * * *
Nights were sleepless, even though he jogged more than usual, or played countless games with Chinchilla. Even with his body exhausted, Tim’s mind was fevered, refusing to rest as he considered scheme after scheme of getting Ben back. One thing was for sure: as long as Jace was in the picture, he didn’t stand a chance. So his focus shifted to separating them somehow. The plan he came up with wasn’t brilliant, but it was his only shot.
The following week, after his contemporary art course, he invited Aaron out for coffee. What he proposed would probably get him slapped in the face, considering how perked up Aaron was. They sat across from each other at a table with a chessboard surface. This was the same coffee shop where Tim had found Ben again, providing him with all the motivation he needed.
He told Aaron a condensed version of his history with Ben, and slowly Aaron’s shoulders began to droop. Only when Tim got to the end did Aaron straighten up hopefully.
“So it sounds like it’s over between you two,” he said.
Tim nodded. “Yeah. But I can’t move on. I keep trying…” He looked at Aaron meaningfully. “This guy Ben’s with—he’s no good.” A lie. Jace was too good, but the truth wouldn’t help his cause. “Maybe if they weren’t together anymore I could get over it.”
“There’s not much you can do about that,” Aaron said dismissively.
“I think there is.”
“Oh?”
Tim leaned back. “What if someone wrote Jace a love letter? The guy travels all the time, which would give him plenty of opportunity to mess around on Ben.”
“So… what? You send a love letter to Jace and hope Ben finds it?” Aaron scoffed. “Jace will just throw it away.”
Time to move in for the kill. “Right, but if Ben sees this guy leaving the letter for Jace, maybe tacking it to his doo
“A-ha. Let me guess. You want me to be that guy.”
Tim gave a slow smile. “I can’t exactly do it myself.”
Aaron pursed his lips. “I’m not stupid, you know. You just want them to break up so you can get to Ben.”
Fuck. Time for a new strategy. “I can make it worth your while.”
“Really? How?”
There was something disturbing in the way Aaron looked at him, like he thought Tim would gladly whip it out in return for this favor. “I mean money,” he said. “Beauty school tuition.”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.”
“We can go to the bank right now. All you have to do is write the letter and make sure Ben sees you delivering it. I know what time he gets out of class. He always heads over to Jace’s afterwards.”
“You’re crazy.”
Tim shrugged. “Might as well take advantage of me. Five grand for what, ten minutes work?”
Aaron’s eyes narrowed but his lips twitched at the corners. Tim had him hooked.
* * * * *
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. Friedrich Nietzsche was certainly right about that, but Tim wondered if the German philosopher had ever hidden at home while paying someone else to do his dirty work. Tim wasn’t alone, either. Next to him perspiring over textbooks was his alibi. Jessica was a fellow student, and to Tim’s credit, when she had advertised needing a study buddy, he hadn’t yet hatched his evil scheme. But he knew Ben was smart. Tim would be under instant suspicion, and so he took advantage of the opportunity.
Tim invited Jessica over for the afternoon, trying his best to focus on the study material. Mostly he let her talk, only occasionally asking a question to fake interest, when really all he could think of was his stupid plan.
He had felt convinced of the idea until this morning. So much could go wrong. What if Jace found Aaron tacking it to the door? Or what if Ben had plans with Allison and didn’t even go to Jace’s apartment? As the afternoon wore on, Tim was convinced it had been a failure.
Then he heard a pounding on the door.