Stolen Course by Aly Martinez
“He’s so small. Is going be okay?” I ask, moving even closer.
The nurse giggles for a second before answering. “Yeah, he’s actually a pretty good size for his age. He weighed in at five pounds two ounces. I first want to congratulate you on your new baby. He is a very handsome little man. How about I go over what we have done with him so far and tell you how he's doing?”
“Yeah, um… Sure,” I say absently as my eyes stay glued to his tiny chest rising and falling.
“I know it's overwhelming and a lot to take in. You will probably forget half the stuff I tell you as soon as you walk out the door, but don't stress. We are here twenty-four hours a day, and there is no such thing as a ‘dumb question.’ First, let me give you his footprints so I don't forget.”
She hands me a piece of paper with impossibly small footprints. I stare at it for a minute, trying to figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with them, when she keeps going.
“Those are yours to keep, a small memento for the baby book. I sure bet your wife would love to see it.” She pauses to smile. I absently nod. “So like I said, he's doing very well for being five weeks early. He's breathing on his own, which is wonderful, and he has a very strong heart rate. He is breathing a little fast, but that's very normal for babies that are born by C-section. That typically resolves itself in a few days. The tube we placed in his mouth will be used to feed him until his respiratory rate slows down. Eventually we will remove it and he will take all of his feeds by bottle or by breast. The tube goes right into his stomach so he does not have to put forth the work to suck and swallow the milk…”
I pray to God that this is not the only time she is going to tell me this information because this sounds important and I can’t for the life of me process her words as fast as she’s saying them.
“The wires you see on his chest and foot are hooked to this monitor. They allow us to watch his heart rate, respiratory rate, and how well his body is oxygenating. Because he is small, we placed him in an isolette to help keep his body temperature normal. As he grows, we can slowly drop the temperature and then place him in an open crib. When he is in an open crib and eating all of his feelings by bottle or the breast, then he will be ready to go home.
“Now I know you want to know how long he is going to be here, and I will tell you what I tell all my parents. He is running the show.” Yeah, that’s definitely Emma’s baby. I laugh to myself. “If he does everything as he is supposed to, then he could leave as early as a week. As a rule of thumb, we tell people to expect them home by their due date. Your son, Mr. Jones, is doing very well, and we will do our best to get him home to you and your wife as soon as we can.”
Oh, I definitely understand those words and enthusiastically nod my head.
“Now, would you like to hold your son?”
“What? No.” I put my hands up and instantly back away like she’s holding a weapon. I know it’s my child, but I can’t hold him. He’s too frail. What if I hurt him or pull out that little tube that’s in his stomach? No way. I can’t do that.
“I’ll hold him,” Sarah says with a grin before turning to look at me. “I mean, if that’s okay with you.” She immediately glances down at the floor.
I look over at the little guy all alone. He needs someone to hold him—someone who loves him—even if I’m not man enough to do it.
“Yeah, go ahead.” I wave to the nurse my approval.
They wrap all his wires into a blanket, and before I know it, they pass my entire life into the arms of a woman who, just hours ago, I would have told you stole everything from me. I watch as she cradles him with such tenderness that it make me jealous. Besides the doctors and nurses, Sarah Kate Erickson is the first person to ever hold my child. Who would have thought?
She looks down, runs her hand over his blond peach fuzz, and pulls his arm from the blanket. When he curls his tiny hand around her finger, I completely change my mind.
“I’m ready. I want to hold him.”
Her eyes flash to mine. With the same knowing smirk Emma gives me, she stands and hands him off to the nurse.
“Okay, Dad.” The nurse steps back over. “His temperature is getting a little low, so how about we try some skin-to-skin?”
“What the fu—I mean, what’s that?”
“If you don’t mind, we’ll need you to take off your shirt—”
I immediately peel it over my head without another thought.
“Well, okay then,” she responds, laughing. “I’ll unwrap him and put him against your chest then cover you both in a blanket. It’s great bonding time for the little guy, and it also helps to keep his temperature up.”
Sarah moves to switch positions with me, and I know the exact moment she sees my back because she releases a loud gasp. Not many people expect me to have so many tattoos. I don’t show them off or advertise them. I got them for myself. No one would understand the real emotion and meaning behind them anyway—well, except for Sarah.
“No wonder Emma fell for you so quickly,” she says under her breath, but it makes me crack a much-needed smile.
Only minutes later, the nurse lays Collin on my chest. The feeling of fulfillment washes over me with a rush, immediately calming my nerves. This is my baby boy. God, I wish Emma were here.
“Hey.” I catch the nurse while she is covering us with blankets. “Is there any way for you to check on my wife? They told me she was fine, but I need an update.”
“Sure. Not a problem.” She once again smiles warmly at me. I seriously need to have Jesse make this woman a muffin basket.
“Can you ask them when I’ll be able to see her? Wait, can I take him with me to see her?” I ask, desperate to see her but unwilling to leave him.
“No, he has to stay here, unfortunately. She’ll be able to come down and see him soon enough. Just take lots of pictures of him with your phone in the meantime. She’ll want to see them as soon as she wakes up.” Yep, this woman is totally getting chocolate chip muffins from Jesse.
I lost my phone during the accident, but Sarah quickly pulls out hers and starts snapping pictures.
As if instinctually, Collin’s little head flops to the side. He looks up at me and opens his eyes. It completely steals my breath and sends my emotions spinning.
“Hey, buddy.” I gently kiss him on the head as my eyes begin to water.
I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I am not emotionally equipped for this moment. I wrap my arms tight around him, holding and protecting him as best I can. This is overwhelming, and the very idea that I get to spend a lifetime with this little boy and his mom has me turning my own head to hide the tears.
“Manda didn’t want kids,” I hear Sarah say from the corner.
“What?” I ask, completely dumbfounded.
“The reason she wouldn’t marry you is because she didn’t want kids. She knew you did, and she couldn’t live with the idea of you sacrificing that for her. She was terrified you would eventually resent her for it.”
“No, that’s not true. She and I talked about having kids a million times.”
“No, you talked about it a million times. Manda just never corrected you. She was planning to tell you the night of the accident.” Sarah closes her eyes when the memories become too much.
I lovingly kiss the baby and wait eagerly for her to continue.
“One of the last things I remember from that night is standing with her in the bathroom at Westies. She was panicking that you were going to leave her when she told you.” Sarah chews her bottom lip as the painful memories spread like wildfire through the room.
“Not possible.” I curl him even closer into my chest.
“She was a mess. She loved you so much, but she never wanted to be a mom. She was too scared to tell you but more afraid to lose you.”
“I wouldn’t have left,” I whisper to keep my voice from cracking while looking down at Collin asleep in my arms.
I’m not lying. I wouldn’t have left, but I also w
“I loved her, and if you had told me this years ago, it would have devastated me. I would have done anything to hold on to Manda. Absolutely anything—except give up this.” I pause to allow my racing mind to catch up. “Manda was water, but Emma—she’s air. I couldn’t have survived without either one of them, but this right here—this is life.”
“This is full circle, Caleb. That night…the wreck—it was only a single moment, but it destroyed us all. Maybe this is where we’re all reborn. We’re all involved in this one miracle tonight. Think about it. Me, you, Brett’s out there with Jesse, Casey has probably already left to be with Eli, Emma’s recovering, and right now, your son is cuddled against Manda’s name over your heart. Maybe this is the reason and culmination of all of the hurt. It all happened just to get here—just to get to him.” Her words sink into my heart, and I can’t say that I disagree with her.
Originally hate, pain, remorse, and grief ruled my life. But now, love, acceptance, and forgiveness have led me to this minute. Somewhere deep inside, for the first time in almost six years, it finally gives Manda’s death a purpose. One that doesn’t fill me with hate or resentment. Instead, it’s filled my arms with a blond-haired and sure-to-be blue-eyed baby.
“Jesus Christ, how much therapy have you been through?” I joke through the emotions.
“You have no freaking idea.” She smiles back. “I have no doubt that Manda gave this to you. All of it. She loved you, and she was just twisted enough to enjoy watching this whole thing play out. I think she sent Collin just to make sure you wouldn’t screw things up with Emma.”
“Yeah that sounds about right for Manda.” I sigh, closing the conversation and the blast from the past.
I’ve said it a thousand times before, but while sitting here holding all five pounds of my son’s tiny body, I realize that it’s officially time to move forward.
“EMMA. WAKE up. You with us, Emma?” I hear through the fog.
Bright lights shine down on my face, but I’m still trapped in the truck with Caleb.
“Caleb!” I scream, but it only comes out as a gurgle.
My throat is killing me.
Where is he? Why isn’t he here? Oh God. What happened to him?
“Welcome back, Mrs. Jones,” I hear a woman’s voice say from beside me.
I turn my head, but I’m barely able to pry my eyes open to see her. Jesus, how did I get so drunk?
“I… Where… Caleb…” I try to form a sentence, but the words all float away.
“Don’t worry. Your throat is going to be sore,” she answers, reading my mind. “It’s from the intubation. We had to do an emergency C-section, but don’t worry. That baby of yours is strong and doing well.”
Oh God, Collin. How the hell could I forget about him? Wait, it’s too soon.
“Now, before you get all excited, take a deep breath and relax. He is absolutely fine and his daddy is in there holding him right now as we speak.”
Yep. I’m going to cry. Oh shit. Caleb is with him. I…I…
“I want to see them.” I finally squeeze out a string of words.
“Hey, you really are there.” She stops tinkering with the computer and turns to face me.
“Is he okay?” I grumble against the sandpaper in my throat.
“He’s going to need a little extra care, but he looks great. Does he have a name?”
“Collin,” I rasp.
“That’s a good name. Strong, masculine, and easy to spell.” She turns back to her computer. This woman is crazy, but if I could just get my thoughts together, I would probably love her. “I’m going to call down to the nursery and let them know you’re awake.” Yep, totally love her.
I nod and drift back to sleep.
“Emmy. Wake up, sweetheart,” I hear whispered from beside me.
I turn my head and open my eyes to see the most amazing thing in my life. Caleb—alive, healthy, and uninjured—is sitting beside my bed, hunched over, holding my hand.
“Hey, you.”
His eyes fly to mine, and the fear on his face transforms to relief. “Oh God, Emmy,” he breathes, moving up the bed to kiss me.
“How’s Collin?” I immediately ask when my senses return.
“He’s absolutely perfect. He’s so small, but apparently that’s okay since he was early. He’s got some tubes and wires, but apparently that’s also okay. Oh wait, I have pictures.” He pulls a phone from his pocket and begins scrolling through the images until he finds the perfect one. “Here.” He thrusts a pink iPhone into my face.
“He’s beautiful,” I gasp as all of the oxygen is most definitely sucked from the room. “When can I see him?” I move to sit up before pain hits me and pins me to the bed. “Oh God! Shit!” I screech and throw a hand over my stomach.
Before I have a chance to catch my breath again, I hear Caleb shouting in the hallway. A nurse comes rushing in, and I glance over to find worry covering every inch of my husband’s gorgeous face.
“What’s going on, Emma?” The nurse immediately begins to check my blood pressure and moves the blanket to look at my stomach.
“Nothing. I’m fine. I just tried to move and forgot about my stomach. He just overreacted…a little,” I say and begin to laugh, but it only makes it hurt worse.
“Real funny, Emmy. I’ve had a hell of a day. You’ll have to forgive my overreaction,” he says sarcastically and half pissed off.
“There’s my man! I recognize that asshole.” I smile, and he just shakes his head but finally chuckles too. He walks over to resume his spot next to my head, grabbing my hand and pulling it to his mouth.
“Okay, well, let’s see what we can do about getting you some more pain medication and, after that, maybe get you in a wheelchair and down to see that handsome fella of yours.”
“That would be great,” I respond, and Caleb mumbles something about Jesse’s muffins. “Let me see the rest of those pictures.” I turn to Caleb as the nurse walks out of the room.
He pulls out…Sarah’s phone?
“Hey, how’d you end up with that?” I ask.
“Sarah went back with me to see Collin.”
My eye brows lift in shock. “Wow, that’s a big step for you.”
“She was actually the first one to hold him.” He floors me once again.
“Oh God. I died, didn’t I?”
“Ha. Ha. Smartass.” He kisses my hand again.
“Thank you,” I say genuinely.
“I think everyone’s going to be okay, sweetheart. It’s always going to be strained, but it’s all going to be okay.”
“I want to cuddle with you,” I whisper, desperate to get close to him.
“Well there is no way I’m crawling in that bed with you after I saw what’s going on under that blanket. You need to relax and try not to move. That has got to hurt like hell.”
“Well, it’s not fun.” I smile, and he brushes the hair away from my face.
“Here.” He leans over the bed and buries his face into the side of my neck, rubbing his stubble over my cheek. I nuzzle in close for the brief and much-needed moment of closeness. “I love you. I’m so fucking sorry about today. I lost it and that almost cost me everything.”
“We’re all okay, remember?” I try to soothe him the way the he always does me. I reach up and run my hand through his hair and down his neck. “Tell me about Collin,” I ask to try to get his mind off the internal what-if game I know he’s playing right now.
He immediately sits up and scrubs his hands over his face. “He’s perfect. I swear I’ve never loved anyone so much. He’s so tiny, but I think he looks like me.”
I l
THREE DAYS after the accident, I was released from the hospital. It broke my heart to have to leave Collin there, but it really tore up Caleb too. For a man who was originally so hesitant about the pregnancy, he sure as hell has embraced fatherhood. Caleb spent every single night sitting by my side or holding his son—sometimes the magical combination of both.
The minute we got home from the hospital, he deposited me on the couch and went to work finishing off Collin’s room. This included cleaning every nook and cranny with a toothbrush because he was terrified of germs getting anywhere near his baby. Let me just say that, there is something insanely sexy about watching your big, buff, tattooed husband on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor.
Caleb took two weeks off work and drove me back and forth to the hospital every three hours to feed our little man. Once, I had a doctor’s appointment during a scheduled feeding, so he dropped me off, went up to the hospital, and fed him a bottle on his own. It melts my heart to watch them together. My gruff prick becomes a big ole’ softie when his baby’s involved.
Exactly ten days after he was born, Collin Mitchell Jones came home. Since Caleb gave in and let me pick the first name, I couldn’t argue when he chose his father’s name for the middle. The day we picked him up from the hospital, I felt like I was walking on the clouds. Caleb, however, was a nervous wreck. He asked the nurses a million questions while I stood behind him silently laughing and shaking my head. He even took the car seat to three different police officers’ houses to have it checked to make sure it was installed properly. They weren’t even on duty, but Caleb still forced them out to his new SUV to check it. Normally I would have been offended that he wouldn’t take my word on something, but I have to admit that, after both of the car accidents that changed our lives, I was relieved to know we had done everything possible to keep him safe.