Sweet Nothing by Jamie McGuire

  "Yes," I said, resting my arm behind my head. I leaned toward Josh, trying to get a better look. "Joshua Todd if it's a boy." I smiled at Josh. "We'll call him Todd, after my dad."

  "Can you see, Avery?" Josh asked, engrossed with the black and gray images on the screen.

  The tech pressed a few buttons on her keyboard, and then smiled. "And if it's a girl?"

  "Penelope Anne," Josh said. "We'll call her Penny." He watched the screen, running his fingers through my hair.

  The tech touched her finger to the screen. "Well, there she is ... your lucky Penny." She smiled at us, and Josh laughed out loud.

  "A girl?" he asked, grabbing my hand. "You can already tell?"

  "Definitely a girl," the tech said. She turned to freeze the image, then typed BABY GIRL PENNY in big white letters next to what looked like girl parts.

  "Is that ...?" I asked.

  "Looks like a hot dog ... or a hamburger, depending on the direction," the tech teased.

  Josh used his thumb and index finger to quickly wipe his eyes.

  "Aw, baby," I said, squeezing his hand.

  He lifted my fingers to his mouth and pressed his lips against my skin.

  "This is so surreal," I said. "Did you see that?" I squinted my eyes toward the tiny black and white image as I watched our daughter kick and twist.

  "What is it?" Josh looked back at the screen, worry marring his handsome face.

  The technician laughed, waving her hand. "These things are like a moving Rorschach test. Your daughter looks great."

  I smiled back at her. "I'm just so tired. I think it's getting to me." I yawned, but Josh still looked concerned.

  "Any morning sickness?" the tech asked.

  I shook my head. "Nothing. I feel perfectly fine."

  "Lucky you," she said while she worked, finishing the exam.

  I looked up at Josh, his face partially shadowed in the small, dark room. He was watching the screen so intently, I hated to interrupt.

  "The other nurses keep telling me it's odd," I said. "I'm getting a complex."

  The tech shook her head. "It's uncommon, but count yourself lucky. Once in a while, I get a mama in here that has energy, never experiences the morning sickness, and you'd never know she was pregnant until she started to show."

  I looked down at my stomach. "I just have a pooch."

  "She's a wiggly little thing," the tech said, pointing and chuckling.

  Josh laughed out loud, amazed.

  "It's so weird, seeing her move around so much on the screen, but I can't feel it."

  "You will," the tech said, hanging up her transducer. The screen went black, and she used a cloth to clean off the gel from my skin.

  Josh helped me up. "Everything looked okay?"

  The tech smiled. "I'm going to send the images to the doctor and he'll tell you all about it."

  "But..." Josh said, his voice tinged with worry. "Is she okay?"

  The tech looked around. I wasn't sure for whom; we were alone. She leaned in. "She looks perfectly healthy to me."

  Josh sighed and then helped me sit up, kissing my temple. "Thank you."

  "Congratulations."

  The tech showed us out, and as we made our way to the ER, Josh's cell phone rang. He glanced down, rolling his eyes and pressing the speakerphone button.

  "Hello?"

  "Josh? It's Hope. Are you working today?"

  "At an appointment with Avery, what's up?"

  She hesitated. "Oh. Never mind."

  I narrowed my eyes at him. "She has your phone number?" I whispered.

  He held up a finger to me. "Did you need something?"

  She sighed. "Toby's running a fever and fussier than usual. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind picking up some diapers on your way home. Size three."

  I made a face.

  "Uh ... sure, I can do that. Any brand?"

  "Luvs, please. Thank you so much."

  Josh hung up the phone, and I eyed him.

  "What am I supposed to do, baby? He's sick and she'll have to drag him into a store screaming if I don't help."

  "He's not screaming. Did you hear him screaming? Strange for a sick baby who already had colic."

  Josh's eyes softened. "I'd want someone to help you if I weren't around."

  "You think Hope will help me?" I asked, sardonic.

  Josh opened my door. "Yeah, I do. She's actually a nice person, Avery. You'd like her if you got to know her."

  I sat in the passenger seat, waiting for Josh to jog around to his side. "If she were interested in getting to know me, I'd be friends with her, too. Don't you see it, Josh? You can't be that blind."

  "She works the late shift, Avery. I'm off when she's off. Otherwise, she'd be bugging you to run her errands for her."

  I frowned. "Is this the first time she's called you for something?"

  "Er ... no. But sometimes I'm busy."

  "Josh, you are not her husband! Stop letting her order you around!"

  "Okay, Avery. Don't get upset. I'll fix this."

  "You'd better," I said, settling back into the seat.

  Tipping the longneck to my lips, I let the beer slide down my throat, soothing the itch that had been forming. Winter had come and gone. The March air was warm, but I still wore my old hoodie. It smelled like Avery.

  "Shots no longer doing it for ya?" Ginger ran her bar rag over the wooden surface. She was smiling, but her eyes showed how long of a day she'd had.

  "Needed a change of pace," I replied, leaning the bottle back to read over the label.

  "Everything okay with you and the old lady?"

  I nodded, chuckling at her terminology. Ginger had recently been seeing Bear, a meathead biker who rarely showered. He was already rubbing off on her.

  "She's a little stressed," I said.

  "Hormones."

  I nodded and took another swig. It was more than the baby on the way. In fact, Avery loved every minute of being pregnant, even with all the aches and pains that came with being thirty-one weeks along. As time passed, she'd grown more agitated. She'd even begun to suffer from hallucinations, and they'd been happening more frequently.

  It was scary as hell, but we'd been to the doctor, taken as many tests as being pregnant would allow, and our only option was to try meds she couldn't or wouldn't take.

  "It's not just hormones, Ginger."

  "How did the tests come out?" she asked.

  I shrugged, taking another swig. "With her fluctuating hormones, the doctor is reluctant to diagnose her. The MRI didn't reveal anything, either." I was beginning to worry it was all just in our heads.

  "Is she still working so much? That can't be good."

  "No," I said simply. I'd convinced her to cut back at work because the stress seemed to make things worse. At first, Avery was resistant, until she saw how terrified I was that something may happen to her and our daughter.

  My mind went to Kayla and how she may have looked today, on her twenty-third birthday. A black cloud had always hovered over March sixth, but today it seemed worse knowing that soon I would have my own little girl to look after. I couldn't help but worry that just because Avery hadn't experienced the extent of my bad luck, Penny might.

  I wondered if she would take after me, dark hair and light eyes, reminding me of Kayla. Maybe even curly tendrils like the ones I used to tug on and laugh when they sprung back into place.

  A chill ran up my spine, thinking of those curls being wet and sprawled across the grass.

  "You stalking me now?"

  I glanced over my shoulder as Hope slid onto the stool next to me, pulling her pink hair up into a high, messy ponytail. It was now fuchsia instead of Pepto-Bismol. She was still wearing her white T-shirt and black slacks for her waitressing job.

  "I was here first. That's not how stalking works."

  I held up a finger to Ginger, letting her know I needed another beer. She noticed Hope and arched an eyebrow.

  "I'll get her drink, too," I said, feeling
the alcohol burn through my veins. "That doesn't mean this is a date."

  "Of course not. Thanks," Hope said, flicking her hair behind her shoulder.

  "What are you doing here?"

  "I needed a break, and I remembered this place when you told me the story about how you started dating Avery." She sighed. "I love that story."

  "Where's Toby?" I asked.

  "Cinda has him. That woman is a godsend. Thanks for the heads-up. Toby loves her."

  I bobbed my head in agreement, peeling back the label of my beer. "She's great with kids."

  "And thanks for letting me use your dryer. I think I'm going to have to try to find another one at the secondhand. It's a huge pain in the ass lugging all our wet laundry to the laundromat with Toby in tow."

  "No problem."

  "Is it weird that he has more clothes than I do? I have five white shirts for work, two pairs of jeans, six T-shirts, two pairs of cotton shorts, two nightgowns, one bar shirt, one black dress, four pairs of socks, two bras, and ten pairs of panties." She made a face. "You're officially poor when you have an exact count of every article of clothing you own."

  "I prefer to call it frugal."

  "What's wrong?" Hope bumped her shoulder against mine. I swayed slightly on my stool. "You worried about being a daddy?"

  I shook my head, looking down at the wooden surface in front of me. It wasn't me I was worried about. My gut twisted, feeling like I was betraying Avery just by my thoughts.

  "I've seen you in action under pressure, Josh. You're going to do just fine. And if you need help ... well, I owe you one or fifty."

  Hope's words didn't help, and the tightening in my chest was becoming vise-like.

  Ginger placed two shots and a fresh beer in front of me, her eyes darting back and forth between Hope and me.

  "Josh," Ginger said, warning in her voice. "Maybe I should call you a cab."

  I ignored her. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Didn't even plan on it. I glanced over at Hope, who smiled at me the way Avery used to.

  Ginger left us for the opposite end of the bar, glancing at me once in a while between tending other customers.

  "So, if you're not anxious about parenthood, what is it?"

  "Do you believe in curses?" I asked, taking a sip from my Budweiser.

  "I curse all the fucking time," she joked, causing me to laugh.

  "I'll drink to that."

  Hope held up her tiny glass and waited for me to do the same. Clinking them together, I tilted my head back and poured the liquor down my throat, no longer flinching at the harsh flavor.

  Hope's face screwed, and she waved her hand in front of her nose. "So ... did you steal some treasure you shouldn't have touched, and now pirates are out to get you?"

  "Something like that." I took another sip. "I dunno. It just feels like no matter what I do--"

  "Stop doing this to yourself. You have everything, and you feel like you don't deserve it. Am I right? So now you're looking for some defect, some flaw that you can blame when you run to St. Louis."

  "St. Louis?" I cocked an eyebrow, taking a long pull from my bottle.

  "Isn't that where all the deadbeat fathers run off to?" She twirled her empty shot glass in a circle, resting her chin on the heel of her hand. "I'm sorry. You're not him. Far from it. I'm not sure you're appreciated for that."

  For a second, I didn't feel like such a fucking outsider in my own life.

  "That guy was a moron," I said.

  "You don't have to tell me. I lived with him." She giggled as she took the bottle from my hand and finished it off.

  My laughter died in my throat when I glanced past Ginger, seeing a familiar face at the end of the bar. Carissa Ashton was watching me intently.

  "Fucking great," I grumbled, nodding in her direction. Her smile spread as she made her way around the bar.

  "Who's that?" Hope asked in a hushed tone.

  "Stage five clinger."

  "Didn't expect to see you here, Josh," Ashton purred as she eyed Hope. "Who's your friend?"

  "Hope, this is Carissa Ashton. Ashton, this is Hope, my neighbor."

  "Oh." Ashton held out her hand to Hope, who reluctantly shook it. "I work with Josh's wife, Avery."

  "Neat." Hope shrugged as she picked up her shot glass and held it up for Ginger to see.

  "Yeah, how is your wife, Josh? She looks like she's ready to pop any day now."

  "Nine weeks," I mumbled, hating that I had to make small talk with her. The moment Avery began to show, Ashton took every opportunity to make little digs about Avery's marginal weight gain.

  Ashton smirked as she tipped her martini glass to her unnaturally pink lips. "Tell Avery I said hello ... if you happen to see her tonight."

  My nose wrinkled. "Why wouldn't I see her tonight?"

  Ashton shrugged innocently, looking to Hope. "You just look sort of busy."

  I sighed, the whiskey erasing any patience I usually maintained with Ashton. "Fuck. Off. And when you get there, fuck off again until you come back. And you will because you'll never leave me the fuck alone!"

  Ashton turned her back to me, pretending it wasn't her I was yelling at. She retreated to her side of the bar with a satisfied grin.

  Hope's eyebrows shot up. "That was--"

  "Stupid," I said. "Carissa Ashton is a vindictive little bitch." I stood from my stool. "I'd better get back home."

  "Did you drive?" she asked as she gulped down her newest drink. I dug my wallet from my back pocket, tossing cash on the wooden surface. "Yeah."

  Hope stood as she looked me over. "I took a cab here. I should drive you home. You need to make it back to Avery in one piece."

  I thought about it for a moment and then nodded. "Go ahead. I'll tab out." I slipped Hope the keys, knowing Ashton was clocking our every move. Even if Avery heard the truth, it would hurt her. Between the pregnancy, the headaches, and flashes, she had become fragile.

  I shoved open the door to our quiet apartment, slipping inside and pushing it closed behind me. The moon was hidden behind clouds and all the lights were off, making it hard to navigate. The sound of Dax's claws making their way across the linoleum gave me pause. I bent down, running my hand over his head and letting him lick my fingers.

  "Where's Avery?" I stopped just outside the bathroom when a shuffling sound caught my attention.

  The bathroom door was slightly ajar. I pushed it open the rest of the way and flipped on the light. My eyes adjusted, and Avery came into view. She was sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up against her belly and her face streaked with tears.

  "Ashton didn't waste any time, did she?" I said, kneeling in front of my wife.

  "Just leave," she sobbed, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

  "I wasn't there with Hope." I hunched over until I was eye level with her, noticing her cell clutched in her left palm.

  "Late night chat?" I asked, reaching for her phone.

  "Don't," she warned. Her eyes wide and wild as they met mine, wet mascara smeared beneath.

  "Okay." I held up my palms and settled onto my knees.

  "Avery--"

  "I said don't."

  "I just want to talk."

  "Sounds like you've been talking quite a bit already this evening."

  I laughed once, trying to lighten the mood. "Yes, I talked to her. You talk to other guys all day long, but I know you love me. And you are the only woman I have ever--will ever--love."

  "Yeah." She nodded, swallowing hard before she looked up at me again. "I know you didn't love any of those women before me either, but that didn't stop you from sleeping with them. Why would it be any different now?"

  "Because I have you."

  Avery's long hair fell into her face, blocking me from getting a good look at her. "Getting upset isn't good for the baby."

  A sob racked her body as she banded her arms around her knees, hugging herself tightly.

  "Whatever it is, I can explain. Please talk to me, Avery. What did Ashton say
? Ginger was there and saw the whole thing. I was drinking at the bar. Hope showed up. We chatted. Ashton came over to stir up trouble, I told her to fuck off, and then I left. The end."

  A knock at the door got my attention for half a second, but I quickly focused back on Avery. "Baby ..."

  "Avery?" Deb's voice echoed in the apartment as the front room illuminated.

  "Back here," Avery called out. She glared at me while she yelled, as if she could see betrayal in my eyes.

  "What are you doing?" I asked. "Why is Deb here?"

  My pregnant wife pushed up to her feet, and panic pushed through my veins.

  "Avery?" Deb said, stopping when she saw her friend. "You ready?"

  "Okay," I said, trying to remain calm. "Take some time and think about this. Call Ginger. She can explain."

  "I'm not interested in whatever story you and Ginger concocted. She's your friend, Josh. Not mine."

  I heaved, her words knocking the breath out of me. "I should have known. It ruins everything."

  Avery narrowed her eyes, her fury building. "It?"

  "I'm fucking cursed, Avery," I blurted out. "I should have told you, but I'd hoped if I did right by you, if I changed ... It destroys everything I touch."

  "Cursed? Do you think this is funny?"

  "My sister, my parents, Brooke, the baby ... I'm being punished for what I did to Kayla."

  "You're not being punished, Josh," Avery spat. "You were a kid."

  "I thought if I did this right, if I didn't fuck around, that just maybe we ..." I shook my head, unable to finish.

  "Bad luck is an excuse used by cowards who don't want to take responsibility for their actions."

  "You don't understand, Avery," I said, reaching out for her. "It sounds crazy, but I've lived it. Bad things happen to people I care about. I'd stopped trying until I met you."

  "Bad things happen, Josh. You can't just give up on making the right choice."

  Avery awkwardly bent over to pick up a bag I hadn't noticed sitting by the bedroom door.

  An overwhelming sinking feeling came over me. "Don't leave," I begged. "I can fix this, Avery. Just ... don't leave me."

  Avery covered her mouth, and with a sob, turned for the door.

  Deb seemed sad, curling her arm around Avery's shoulders and walking her outside.

  I slid down against the wall, knotting my fingers in my hair. "I can fix this," I whispered to myself. "I'm gonna fix this."