The Cheerleaders of Doom by Michael Buckley
“What do you mean?”
“My sister just joined her school’s squad and she’s obsessed! She told me that if the junior elite team doesn’t have at least eight members they have to forfeit. When you and Gerdie are gone, Team Strikeforce will be down to seven. They’ll have to drop out.” Matilda didn’t respond, and Duncan cleared his throat. “Well, good luck with Mathlete!”
Matilda tapped her nose to close the link and then went out to wash her hands. She had never considered Duncan’s claim. Arresting Gerdie wouldn’t just end her mission—it would rob the squad of their dream. All of their hard work would be for nothing. It was a shame the rest of these girls had gotten caught up in all of this. Although they were causing a lot of chaos, they truly loved cheering. Even under Tiffany’s general disdain for the others, glimmers of joy peeked out when they practiced. She hated to admit it, but she had started to enjoy cheerleading, too. It was intense and physical—a lot like being a secret agent. She would never admit it, but she was having fun.
She applied another coat of lip gloss as she looked at herself in the mirror, and with a start realized that she hardly recognized herself. Who was this Matilda—this cheerleading-sympathizing girlie-girl? She had never dreamed this person might exist underneath her ragamuffin hair and combat boots. She had worked so hard to transform herself from sick and suffering to superspy. She wanted people to see her as someone who could take care of herself. But had she gone overboard? Was there room inside her for Maddie the Cheerleader, too?
No! Angrily, she tossed the lip gloss into the trash. What was she thinking? She wasn’t a cheerleader! She was a NERD. She was sent on this mission to root out someone who was trying to destroy the world. Who cared about these stupid girls and their stupid competition?
Matilda crumpled the equation in her hand and walked back toward the picnic tables. The girls were gathered around them, chatting before the day’s practice.
“Does anybody know anything about algebra?” Matilda asked. “I flunked math and my teacher says if I can solve this problem, I can get out of summer school. It’s not fair! He worked for NASA or something before he came to our school.”
Kylie took the paper. Matilda hoped she wasn’t Gerdie. She liked Kylie and had come to think of her as her biggest friend in the group. But thankfully Kylie rolled her eyes and handed it to Jeannie. “I’m terrible at this stuff. It’s just gibberish to me.”
Jeannie had a similar reaction. Jeannie handed it to Toni, who cringed and then handed it to Pammy, like a game of hot potato. Matilda watched Pammy’s face recoil in horror as if the equation were something particularly disgusting. “This gives me a headache just looking at it.”
Pammy handed it to McKenna, who never even looked up from texting to see what it was. She handed it directly to Tiffany, who studied it hard. Matilda watched her face. Unlike the other girls, Tiffany was not filled with confusion and dread. In fact, she looked as if she were trying to solve it in her head. Matilda’s heart jumped. Tiffany was Gerdie. She had to be! But then—
Tiffany rolled her eyes. “Not me!”
Matilda bit back her shock. Deep down Tiffany had been her primary suspect. Maybe she was just pretending to be dumb. Hadn’t Kylie told her that it was better to play dumb around the other girls? Maybe Tiffany was smart enough to know that math would give her away.
Tiffany handed the equation to Lilly, who examined it closely.
“What’s this?” Lilly asked.
“Maddie’s homework,” Tiffany said.
“The answer is two-thirds of ten to the ninth power. This is your homework? This is complicated stuff.”
“Wow!” McKenna cried. “Lilly’s like some kind of math whiz.”
“More like a mathlete,” Matilda said.
Lilly’s eyes met Matilda’s and the two stared at each other.
“Who sent you?” Lilly said.
“I’m with NERDS,” Matilda replied.
“You here to take me in?”
Matilda nodded.
“You think you can?”
Matilda nodded again.
“What’s going on?” Shauna said.
Lilly clenched her fists.
Matilda smiled. She hadn’t gotten to slug anyone in a few days. She was overdue. She threw the first punch, but Lilly blocked it. She threw another, with the same result. Matilda kicked and attempted a roundhouse, but each assault was blocked with ease.
“You’re good,” Matilda said, genuinely impressed.
“I got the same training as you, peewee,” Gerdie said, delivering a series of punches and kicks that Matilda swatted away.
“You two have to stop this,” Kylie cried. “You’re teammates.”
“No, we’re not,” Matilda said. “Tell them the truth.”
Gerdie jumped onto one of the picnic tables and shifted her fighting style to martial arts, sending precise punches to Matilda’s face, chest, and belly. Martial arts had never been Matilda’s strong suit. She hated the strict movements and preferred the freedom of a street fight, but she knew enough about it to defend herself. She also knew she wouldn’t last long in this type of fight, so she improvised, snatching up breakfast plates and silverware to use as weapons. Gerdie swatted them all away.
“Her name is Gertrude Baker,” Matilda shouted to the other girls. “The machine you’ve been using was her invention.”
Tiffany nodded. “It’s true. She gave it to me to get a spot on the squad. I didn’t want her.”
“You took a bribe!” McKenna exclaimed.
“It helped us pay for the bus. We couldn’t have gotten this far without it!”
“I’m so texting this!”
Matilda continued. “Gerdie used the machine to steal things from other universes, just like you did! She used the money to fund a massive amount of plastic surgery. If you saw what she looked like before, you wouldn’t even recognize her.”
Gerdie grimaced and turned up the intensity of her fight.
“Back at home in Akron, Ohio, they call her Gruesome Gerdie.”
“Shut up!”
“She has two sisters who are totally gorgeous—real model types. She was superjealous, so she decided to turn herself into them.”
“Shut up!”
“And she’s put the world and all the other Earths that you’ve visited at risk. In fact, there are trillions of worlds that are about to be destroyed because Gerdie wanted to be pretty, so you all would like her,” Matilda said, catching Gerdie with a shot to the belly. “But she’s not one of you. She’s a nerd. A loser. A misfit.”
“Just like you,” Gerdie seethed.
“No, not just like me,” Matilda shouted as she shot into the air using her inhalers. “I’m proud of what I am. I am proud of being a nerd!”
She kicked Gerdie in the face on the way up and the cheerleader fell off the picnic table to the ground, flat on her back.
Matilda landed, then pressed the comlink on her nose.
“Wheezer to the Playground.”
“Do you have good news for me, agent?” Mr. Brand said.
“I’ve got Mathlete,” she said, just as Gerdie scampered to her feet and tackled her. The two rolled around on the ground as the other cheerleaders screamed.
“What’s going on?” Brand said.
“At the moment, she’s beating me up,” Matilda explained.
“The team is on their way,” Brand said.
Gerdie slugged Matilda in the chin, rattling her teeth. In return Matilda thrust her elbow into Gerdie’s belly.
The two girls traded punches and kicks all over the campground. Gerdie had been trained well. Her attacks were fast and furious, but it was Matilda who eventually pinned the girl on her back and put her into a triangle submission hold. The rest of the squad stood in stunned silence until Kylie finally spoke.
“Who are you?”
“I’m a spy,” Matilda said. “You can call me Wheezer. Lilly—or Gerdie, or whatever you call her—she is a fugitive, and I was se
Pammy looked as if she might be sick. “You came here and pretended to be one of us?”
“Actually, Gerdie did that first,” Matilda said.
Gerdie stomped her foot in anger. “I admit it all, but I worked hard to earn my spot. This was real for me. I just wanted to be pretty.”
“So now what?” Jeannie asked.
Matilda could see the anger on everyone’s face. “Well, she’s going back with me to help fix what she’s broken.”
“And what about us?” McKenna said.
Matilda scowled to cover her uncertainty. “What about you? You’re not the center of the world. You’re not even a tiny part of it! You’re cheerleaders. The entire multiverse is at stake. Who cares about you?”
“What about the finals?” McKenna asked Tiffany. “They’re tomorrow.”
Tiffany shook her head. “Lilly and Maddie or whoever they are dragged us into their stupid drama. We have to forfeit.”
Some of the girls began to cry. Others stood stone-faced, seething with hatred for Matilda and Gerdie. Kylie wouldn’t even look Matilda in the eye.
THESE RESULTS ARE GETTING WORSE AND WORSE! LET’S TRY SOMETHING EASY—FILL IN THE BLANKS.
NOW, NORMALLY YOU WOULD READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCES AND CHOOSE THE WORD THAT BEST FITS YOU, BUT SO FAR THAT’S NOT WORKING. YOU’RE KIND OF CREEPY, KID. THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK IS THAT YOU ARE CONFUSED OR YOU LIVE TOO CLOSE TO POWER LINES. SO I’M GOING TO HELP YOU PICK THE RIGHT ANSWERS. YOU’LL SEE MY HELPFUL HINTS THROUGHOUT THE QUIZ. EASY-BREEZY!
______________
1. WHEN I WAS LITTLE, THE OTHER CHILDREN WOULD MAKE ME
a. LAUGH (1 POINT)
b. HAPPY (1 POINT)
c. CHEER (1 POINT)
d. START FIRES (10 POINTS)
DO NOT PICK THIS ONE!
______________
2. WHEN I SEE THE SUNRISE, I WANT TO
a. THANK THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER DAY OF LIFE (1 POINT)
b. BASK IN THE WONDER THAT IS THE UNIVERSE (1 POINT)
c. FEEL ITS RAYS KISSING MY SKIN (1 POINT)
d. STEAL THE SUN AND HOLD IT HOSTAGE UNTIL THE WORLD PAYS ME A TRILLION DOLLARS (10 POINTS)
THIS ONE ISN’T GOOD, KID.
______________
3. MY PARENTS ARE
a. LOVELY PEOPLE (1 POINT)
b. INSPIRING (1 POINT)
c. MY HEROES (1 POINT)
d. CARNIVAL FOLK WHO TAUGHT ME TO SWINDLE PEOPLE (10 POINTS)
NOPE! NADA! NO PICKY!
______________
4. MY BIGGEST WISH WOULD BE
a. WORLD PEACE (1 POINT)
b. A CURE FOR ALL DISEASES (1 POINT)
c. AN END TO POVERTY (1 POINT)
d. TO CAPTURE MY ENEMIES AND DISPLAY THEM IN A HUMAN ZOO (10 POINTS)
THIS IS SO, SO WRONG.
______________
5. THERE IS NOTHING MORE ADORABLE THAN A
a. PUPPY (1 POINT)
b. BUNNY (1 POINT)
c. BABY (1 POINT)
d. A PUPPY VS. BUNNY DEATH MATCH REFEREED BY A BABY (10 POINTS)
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT CHOOSING THIS ONE, BUSTER!
OK, ADD THEM UP.
AAARGH! WHY DO I EVEN TRY?
Gerdie was led into the Playground by Matilda, the lunch lady, and a few kids she was told were current members of the team. She spotted Ms. Holiday waiting for her by the briefing table. It was nice to see a familiar face, even if its expression was full of disappointment.
“You wouldn’t understand,” Gerdie said, knowing the woman wanted an explanation for her behavior.
“You don’t think I know what it’s like to feel awkward, Gerdie?” Ms. Holiday said. “If you had asked, I could have shown you some old school pictures of me that would make your hair stand on end. I was a mess, but I grew out of it. You would have, too.”
“I couldn’t wait.”
“Your impatience nearly destroyed the world,” Benjamin said as the orb floated toward her.
“But you do have a chance to fix things,” Ms. Holiday said as she unlocked the handcuffs that bound Gerdie’s wrists.
“Are you ready for your upgrades?” Benjamin asked.
Gerdie nodded. “I’ve missed them.”
“Then let’s get started,” Matilda said. “I’m exhausted and I’d really like to get out of this stupid uniform.”
Ms. Holiday ushered Gerdie into the upgrade room, then slid the door closed behind them.
At once a familiar electronic voice broadcasted through speakers mounted on the wall. “Scanning for weaknesses.”
“Upgrade room, stop scan. This is Ms. Holiday. Access file name Mathlete.”
The electronic voice was silent for a moment and then, “File found. Accessing data.”
“Re-install,” Ms. Holiday said.
A bed lifted up from the floor and Gerdie was eased on to her back. Her hands and feet were strapped down. Hoses and tubes dropped from the ceiling to begin their work.
Soon she could feel the tiny robots coursing through her bloodstream and up into her head. Complex numbers and equations illuminated inside her mind like tiny lightning bugs. Percentages and probabilities swam around in the sea that was her consciousness—free of life preservers. She felt as if there was nothing she could not understand.
When the process was over, the door of the upgrade room slid open and she stepped out to greet the rest of the NERDS team. Agent Brand, whom she had never met, said hello. The lunch lady welcomed her back.
“Are you ready to get started?” he said.
Gerdie nodded and felt a smile growing. She was needed. She was necessary. If she hadn’t been torn from this world so quickly after becoming part of it … well, who knew? Maybe being a Bigfoot would have been more tolerable.
“Before you start, a few words of warning,” Benjamin said. “Miss Baker, I know you worked with Heathcliff—”
“Screwball!” the boy shouted from across the room.
“Screwball,” Benjamin corrected. “I know you worked with him, but he is not who you remember. Do not allow him to lure you into committing another crime.”
“Thank you, Benjamin, but I assure you that my upgrades make me much smarter than him,” Gerdie said. “He won’t fool me again.”
Heathcliff chuckled but said nothing.
The two of them got to work. She was impressed with his theory but quickly realized that the average person—even with a brilliant brain—couldn’t do the math to make such a machine work. With a team of a hundred scientists she assembled an equation that spanned fifty chalkboards. When they ran out of room, they used the tiles on the walls.
Heathcliff built and tore apart a dozen different versions of his atomic harpoon. Each version lacked some combination of power, output, and stability, and each failure sent him into a rage. He shouted at everyone, especially his goon, whose skin was still scarred and blistered from the bug attack. The man’s head was wrapped in gauze and he clearly needed to be in bed resting, but he said his place was by his boss’s side—even if all he did was fetch milk shakes and cheeseburgers for Heathcliff.
Remembering Benjamin’s warning, Gerdie kept a wary eye on Heathcliff. Still, she couldn’t help but admire his ideas. The two former members of NERDS stayed up late assembling the final version of the device they hoped would save the multiverse.
“So why are you doing this?” she finally asked him when most of the scientists were helping themselves to their fourth, fifth, and sixth cups of coffee. “They tell me you want to take over the world.”
“There needs to be a world for me to take over,” Heathcliff said.
“And when it’s done and the world is safe?”
“My next plan to conquer this terrible little dirt ball will begin,” he said without hesitation. “Oh, you look surprised. You think that I want to rule this world to crush it under my shoe? No. I want to make it a better place for people like us, Gerdie. Our whole lives we’ve been tormented by popular
“No,” Gerdie whispered.
“I want to change things so no one will ever feel that way again.”
“We’re nerds, Screwball. We can’t change that,” Gerdie said.
“That’s where you are wrong, Mathlete! We are special, and we are better than those around us. We should be held up as beacons of hope instead of having to hide in bathrooms and run home after school. That’s what I want for this world.”
“And an army of slaves that do all of your bidding,” Gerdie added.
“Well, of course! Who doesn’t want an army of slaves?” he said.
Gerdie turned the final screw in the device and took a step back. Before her were two identical atomic harpoons, which were squat metal devices with straps to wear like a backpack, and her sparkly pink bridge device. Her head spun as she double-checked her equations for any possible errors. But there was nothing to worry about. The machines would work. “We’re going to save the multiverse, Heathcliff.”
The gap-toothed boy nodded. “Of course we are. The world gives us wedgies and purple-murples, but when it comes to saving the human race, they always turn to the nerds.”
The hours it took assembling the atomic harpoon were the hardest of Screwball’s life. Not only did he have to be on his best behavior, putting aside his plots for chaos and destruction, but he had to smile … a lot. He grinned like an idiot to keep everyone thinking he was someone worthy of their trust, showing off the huge gap where his front teeth used to be. The relief he felt when his machines were complete was quickly replaced by eagerness for the moment when his former teammates would realize they had all been duped.
“When we step through the bridge device into the other Earth, we’ll send you a signal,” Screwball said, barely containing his glee. “Once you get it, let five seconds pass and then turn on your harpoon. The beams will reel us back into our proper place. When ten minutes are up, the harpoons should have done their job and Gerdie and I will jump back into this world.”