The Cheerleaders of Doom by Michael Buckley
“And we’ll destroy your inventions once and for all,” Pufferfish said.
“Sure, sure. Just don’t tamper with any of the buttons,” Heathcliff said. “They’re very sensitive, and if you mess with them, I could be stuck in some parallel world forever.”
“We’ll avoid the temptation,” Jackson said.
“All right, so who wants to save the universe?” Duncan said. “Gerdie, if you would be so kind.”
“I’ve programmed the bridge device to find a world similar to this one,” Heathcliff said, tapping some buttons on the machine Gerdie wore on her wrist. “I think we can all agree that the last thing we need is to end up on a planet full of talking bugs, or worse.”
Heathcliff watched Gerdie press the activation button. He had never actually seen the bridge device in action. It was quite glorious to experience its raw power. The ball of lightning grew and grew, as did his pride. He was truly of a superior intellect—if only he had time to reflect on his genius! But he had to get about the business at hand. He hefted one of the two atomic harpoons onto his back and turned to his former teammates.
“Remember, wait for the signal!” he shouted over the noise. Then he and Gerdie stepped through the portal.
There was a flash, and when his eyes adjusted he could see they had entered a Playground that was identical to the one on their own Earth. Everything, from the tiles on the ceiling to the scientists’ workspaces, was exactly the same.
“It’s just like ours,” Gerdie said.
“So it seems,” Heathcliff replied as he set the atomic harpoon on the floor right in front of the portal. The machine was shaped like a gigantic telescope pointing back into their world. Gerdie joined him in pushing buttons and calibrated sensors. Soon the harpoon was ready to do its job.
“Send the signal!” he shouted, but what he was thinking was, “You are a fool!” Still, with his plan’s success only moments away, he held his tongue.
Gerdie, none the wiser, pushed the transmission button, counted to five, and then pushed the activation button. The machine began to hum and glow as radiation blasted into the gaping white hole in space.
“It’s working!” Gerdie said. “Now all we have to do is wait ten minutes and step back through.”
Heathcliff hated when people stated the obvious. What would she declare next? The sky is blue? Water is wet? Screwball was dangerously handsome? Duh! Why was he always surrounded by simpletons? At least his troubles would soon be over.
While Gerdie watched the amazing machine, he took his chance. He ran toward the upgrade room. As he had hoped, it was identical to the one on his Earth. He pushed a button on the podium in the center of the room and said, “I want my upgrades.”
That was when Gerdie appeared in the doorway.
“You’re here to get your teeth,” Gerdie gasped. “This whole thing—giving me the number for the equation, getting the team to give me back my upgrades, building these machines and risking the world—it’s all for your stupid teeth!”
“The teeth are not stupid!” Heathcliff screamed. “They give me power. They make me special. They are the key to my destiny.”
“You said you wanted to change the world for the better, but you don’t care about the world. You nearly destroyed it!”Gerdie said.
“Oh, Mathlete, for once you are not using your brain. I have no intention of causing the multiverse to end in a multi-car pileup on the freeway. How will I be able to rule it all if it’s been destroyed?”
“Where are this world’s NERDS?” she asked. “They have to stop you.”
“I carefully scanned for a world where everyone had been abducted by an alien race,” he said. “There’s no one here!”
Then the door to the upgrade room slammed shut, locking Gerdie out.
A slab rose out of the floor behind Heathcliff. Straps wrapped around his hands and feet. Then he was tilted upward so that he was parallel with the floor.
“Scanning for weaknesses,” the computer said as a bank of lights danced over Heathcliff’s body. “Weakness detected. Subject lacks front teeth. Preparing upgrades.” Tubes and hoses dropped down from above.
“That’s right,” Heathcliff said, laughing his maniacal laugh. “I want my big, beautiful, hypnotic teeth back.”
Suddenly, everything stopped. “Weakness detected.”
“What?” Heathcliff said. “What weakness?”
“Scanning.”
“No, forget the other weakness! I want the teeth,” he cried, but the cold, emotionless machine did not respond.
“Subject has elevated intelligence.”
“Huh? Oh yeah. I’m a genius. That’s not weakness!”
“Subject’s head is not big enough for his potential. Size of brain and skull prevent him from reaching maximum intellect. Preparing upgrades.”
“Wait!” Heathcliff cried. He tried to pull himself free of the bindings, but he was tied tight. When the tubes came down and the injections began, there was nothing he could do to stop them. He screamed for Gerdie, but she was locked out of the room.
“Just relax,” the computer said.
When Pufferfish and Gluestick announced that Heathcliff’s machine was working, Ms. Holiday took Matilda aside.
“I think you can call it a day, Wheezer,” the librarian said.
“Are you sure you don’t need me? I was hoping I might get to slug Heathcliff a couple times when he got back—you know, just to teach him a lesson.”
“Maybe some other time. Alexander told me he was proud of you,” Ms. Holiday said.
Matilda couldn’t help but smile. Brand wasn’t big on compliments.
“You’re having a good effect on him, Ms. Holiday,” she said.
Ms. Holiday blushed. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
Matilda scooped up her cheerleading duffel bag and walked home. Once there, she quietly snuck inside to avoid her brothers, who would surely ridicule her skirt. She crept down the hall and into her room. Inside, she took off her cheerleading outfit, collected her makeup, hair ribbons, and pom-poms, and tossed them into the trash.
She took a shower to wash out all the hair product and the layers of mascara from her eyes. When she was completely free of foundation and lip-liner, she slipped into her robe and went to her closet to get dressed. Inside she found her favorite baggy black shirt and her combat boots. She put them on and finally felt like herself.
There was a knock at the door, and when she opened it she saw her mother and father standing there.
“What are you doing back here?” Ben asked. “The junior finals are in half an hour.”
Matilda blushed. “I quit.”
“You quit? Why?” Ben asked.
“It was stupid, Dad. I’m not a cheerleader. I didn’t fit in.”
“We’re very disappointed,” Molly said. “We didn’t raise you to be a quitter.”
“You’ve got a lot of room to talk,” Matilda grumbled. “Who are you to tell me about quitting?”
Ben and Molly looked at each other. “I guess you think we deserve that,” Ben said. “You think we just gave up?”
Matilda was furious. “Didn’t you?”
Molly shook her head. “Actually, no. We didn’t just give up. We worked on our marriage for many years.”
“You should have worked harder!”
Ben sat down on the bed and took Matilda’s hand. “That’s hardly a fair thing to say, Matilda. Your mother and I went to counseling. We tried very hard, but nothing we did could fix the fact that we just weren’t meant to be together.”
“But you love each other,” Matilda said. “People who love each other stay together.”
Molly took Matilda’s other hand. “Love is a mysterious and complicated thing. Some people who love one another can also make one another miserable. Worse still, they can make the people around them miserable, too. Look what we have done to you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, the outfits and the crazy hair,” Ben said. “You think we don’
Matilda looked at her outfit. “There’s nothing wrong with being different.”
“Of course you are right,” Molly said. “But being different should be a celebration of who you are—not a cry for attention.”
Kylie’s words came back to Matilda. Was she just wearing these odd clothes to get attention? Was she just acting out because her mom and dad were separating?
“Your mother and I have realized we are not right for each other, and that staying together isn’t good for you and the boys. You deserve to see parents who are happy.”
Matilda turned to her mother. “You’re not happy?”
Molly shook her head.
“Not like she should be,” Ben said. “Same with me. It’s hard to explain, but somewhere along the line your mother and I lost each other.”
“And someday we’ll be friends again,” Molly said. “Until then, we will still be your parents. We will still expect good things from you, including honoring your commitments. Those girls depend on you.”
“Your mother is right,” her father said. “You started something and you should finish it.”
Ben and Molly left Matilda in her room alone. She sat on the edge of the bed looking at the cheerleading outfit she had crumpled and tossed into the trash can.
Twenty minutes later, Ben and Molly dropped her off at the National Mall. Matilda was relieved to find Team Strikeforce’s bus in the parking lot near the competition stage. She wasn’t surprised that Tiffany insisted that the girls come even though they were short a person for the squad. Tiffany was probably thinking about next year’s competition and how they might beat this year’s winner with a team free of secret agents.
Matilda banged on the bus door. “I know you girls are in there, so open up! I want to say something to you.”
The door swung open. Kylie stood at the top of the steps. “They don’t want to talk to you.”
“It’s important! Please tell them!”
“I can’t. I don’t want to talk to you, either,” Kylie said.
Matilda frowned as she climbed aboard the bus. “You don’t have to talk. You just have to listen.”
She walked to the back where she found Jeannie, Shauna, Toni, Pammy, McKenna, and Tiffany in their street clothes.
“What do you want?” McKenna said, not looking up from her phone.
“Get into your uniforms,” Matilda said. “We’re going on, and we’re going to win this competition.”
Tiffany scoffed. “No thanks. You’ve made fools of us enough this week. We’re not going out there to have you quit again.”
“I’m not here to quit,” Matilda said.
“Well, we don’t want you,” Pammy said.
“Listen, I’m going to be honest with you,” Matilda said.
“That’s a nice change,” Kylie said.
“I didn’t want to be a cheerleader. My boss forced me to do it. Before I got here I thought this was a stupid sport filled with stupid girls. I couldn’t wait to finish my mission so I could leave. When I found out Lilly was the girl I was looking for, I didn’t think twice about how it would affect all of you.”
“Wow, this honesty thing kind of stinks,” Shauna said. “I liked you better when you were a liar.”
“I was wrong about all of you,” Matilda continued, ignoring the comment. “I’m not saying I get everything you do. The clothes still seem a little silly. But I do get that you love cheerleading and that you’re good at it and that you should have a right to at least compete to be the best. I shouldn’t take that away from you. So, listen, you have no reason to trust me and you don’t have to like me, but I’m here. I’m standing right in front of you and I’m saying I want to go out there and win.”
The girls stared at her for a long time until Tiffany shook her head. “Absolutely not.”
Matilda was crushed, but she said nothing. She only nodded and walked to the front of the bus. These girls had no reason to trust her. She was a liar. Winning was important to them, but so was winning with someone they respected. She stepped out into the parking lot, trying to tell herself that she had done her job. But her heart kept telling her the truth. She had been happy to destroy all these pretty, popular girls’ dreams. She was a jerk.
“Unless, of course, you put on some makeup,” a voice said behind her. Matilda turned to find Tiffany and the rest of the girls stepping off the bus. “Pammy, Shauna, get to work on the newbie. She looks like a walking sack of dirty clothes. Oh, and get her a new uniform. I think she ruined the last one when Lilly whooped her butt.”
“Lilly did not—”
“Don’t push me, Maddie,” Tiffany said. “Suit up, everyone.”
Matilda was polished and primped, and before she knew it she and the rest of the squad were backstage waiting for their chance to perform. She was nervous, as were the other girls. Even Tiffany, who had always been confident, seemed shaky. Lilly’s absence forced them to re-choreograph their routines for an eight-girl team—no easy feat for a squad that spent nearly every waking hour striving for perfection.
“All right, everyone,” Tiffany said. “I’m not one for pep talks, but here goes—”
McKenna squealed. “OMG! I have to post this. Tiffany is giving us words of inspiration!”
Tiffany snarled at McKenna but then composed herself. “We’re short a girl, which is not good, so if any of the rest of you are spies speak now. No one? Good. Now what’s important is that we’re a team. Each of us has our own skills and backgrounds and quirks and that’s what makes us great. Toni can do a standing handspring that’s amazing. McKenna has a flawless split. Maddie, here—”
“It’s Matilda!” she interrupted.
Tiffany rolled her eyes. “Fine, Matilda here, well, it sounds like she knows eighteen punches that will kill a man where he stands. I don’t know how that’s going to help us win, but if we don’t it might be useful in dealing out revenge to the judges.”
“I won’t kill the judges,” Matilda said.
“What I’m trying to say is that what makes us great is our differences. For instance, I’m stunningly beautiful, which draws a lot of attention and distracts from Kylie’s awkward dancing.”
Kylie groaned. “Tiffany, what kind of a lousy pep talk is this?”
“If you would let me finish!” Tiffany roared. “I was going to say that you have a loud, clear voice that distracts the judges from my occasionally whiny and nasal cheers! Sure, we’re cheerleaders, and people might think that cheerleaders are a bunch of brainless clones who only care about being pretty and perfect. But we know better. We’re actually a bunch of flawed people, but when we work together our strengths outweigh our weaknesses.”
“Wow!” Toni said. “That was inspirational.”
“I’m crying. Let me update my profile,” McKenna said as a tear ran down her cheek.
“I hate all of you,” Tiffany said.
Matilda reached out and shook her hand. “Good job, captain.”
Just then the squad was called on stage. With their hearts in their throats they marched in single file and stepped out in front of the crowd. There was a smattering of applause as they took their positions.
Matilda looked out at the audience with a sense of awe. These fans loved what the teams did. They came in all weather and fought traffic and followed them on the Internet. They thought cheerleaders were something special.
A hyper announcer with long blonde hair took a microphone and waved to the crowd. “Ladies and gentlemen, last but not least we have Arlington, Virginia’s, own Team Strikeforce—our Eastern Conference elite squad. After their performance, the judges will compile their scores as well as those of the Western, Central, and Southern conferences. Then the winning squad will be announced. So, are you ready for one more cheerleading performance?”
The crowd roared. “Sit back and enjoy … Team Strikeforce!”
A thumping beat started and the squad stepped into action. The girls worked seamlessl
The three other teams were brought out as the judges tallied their numbers. Matilda slipped her hand into Kylie’s and Kylie slipped hers into Shauna’s. Even Tiffany took Matilda’s free hand.
“We have a winning team!” the announcer shouted. “Before we announce them, let’s give a big round of applause to all our competitors for this year’s National Cheerleading Association!”
The crowd cheered and Matilda felt Tiffany’s hand tense.
“Our third runner-up … from the Midwest, Action Incorporated!”
The crowd exploded and the girls of Action Incorporated stepped forward to accept their trophy. They took a bow, which led to even more applause, then returned to their place on the stage.
“Our second runner-up is Southern Hospitality!”
The girls from the South rushed to the announcer for a trophy that was quite a bit bigger than the first. They jumped and kicked and together shouted, “Thank you!”
“Our first runner-up did a remarkable job, but we can have only one winner,” the announcer said.
Matilda looked at Kylie as a drum roll was pumped through the speakers. Then she looked at Tiffany.
“You did good,” Tiffany said without a hint of a smile.
“Our first runner-up, representing the West Coast, California Girls! Yes, folks, that means this year’s winner of the coveted NCA trophy is our Eastern Conference finalists—Team Strikeforce!”
Matilda thought her ears were playing tricks on her. Had the announcer really said they’d won? She looked around at her squad and saw them jumping up and down. Pammy and Jeannie were crying. Kylie wrapped her arms around Matilda and gave her a strangling hug. Even Tiffany was grinning from ear to ear as she rushed to the center of the stage to take their trophy. She held it over her head and shouted, “I led them. This is my team. I am their leader!”