The Stranger's Woes by Max Frei
“Nothing much. The people of Arvarox worship us buriwoks like gods. Their idolatry is not completely unfounded. Where we are abundant, the World is the way we want it to be. Arvarox is the only place where buriwoks are abundant. We like beautiful people, so the people of Arvarox are beautiful. The color of their eyes matches that of ours, for we love this color. They are taciturn, for we are not interested in their conversations. They are active, for we derive pleasure from discussing their deeds. We live in isolation, but our elders go to die among the people of Arvarox, simply to enjoy the sight of them. After all, they are the result of our common efforts. People of Arvarox love to die, for they believe that they will be reborn as buriwok nestlings. This is just a superstition, but sometimes we think they are capable of it—though not everyone, of course. In other words, to the people of Arvarox we are, indeed, like gods.” Kurush blinked and helped himself to a few peanuts.
“Yes, I know all that,” said Juffin, nodding. “But are you saying that the people of Arvarox also know about your powers? I would never have believed it.”
“They don’t know it—they feel it. People of Arvarox don’t know much, but their feelings rarely deceive them,” said the buriwok.
“Hmm, this is news to me. Well, in any case, this is good news. Now we can wrap them around our little fingers.”
“No, you can’t,” said Kurush. “They will, of course, do whatever I tell them to do, but if I tell them to do something that is contrary to their rules and laws, they will die. It is easier for them to die than to do wrong. People of Arvarox see death as the best solution to any difficult situation.”
“Like samurais,” I said.
“Like what?” said Juffin.
“Samurais. Believe it or not, in my World there were guys like this, too. But I see now that their lives were much more miserable—they didn’t have buriwoks.”
“That’s unfortunate,” said Juffin. “Life without buriwoks would be a crying shame. Am I right, my dear fellow?” Juffin scratched the fluffy back of the wise bird. “Can you imagine what would happen to that guy if we took him on an excursion to the Main Archive?”
“Will we?” I said, brightening up.
“Maybe we will. If he behaves. Or if he doesn’t behave. Then we’ll have to take some measures—although I have a strong feeling that the brave heart of Aloxto Allirox might not be strong enough to withstand the shock. So I think we should avoid such drastic experiments.” Juffin got up and smiled a wicked smile. “I’m off to get some rest. You stay here and keep working. How cruel I am! Does that shock you, Max?”
“No, it doesn’t. We’ve known each other for a while, and I’m used to anticipating the worst from you. I just hope the Elixir of Kaxar is still in the same drawer.”
“Where else would it be? You’re the only one drinking it.”
“Then I’m going to drink half a bottle and start carousing, because I’m bored,” I said with a dreamy smile on my face. “If I get the picture, I won’t have much work to do tonight. The fun doesn’t start until tomorrow, right?”
“That’s right. By the way, I wouldn’t mind if you took a leisurely little walk. Pretty soon, none of us will have any time for that, so grab your chance while you can, boy.”
“I can try,” I said.
And Juffin left.
After thirty minutes of complete boredom I sent a call to Melifaro: How’s the human souvenir from overseas been doing?
Wonderful. He took a walk around the city during the day. Unfortunately, he didn’t get lost. He did get another shiner, though. This time on his right eye. Looks great. By the way, don’t you want to have him now? Maybe you’re bored or something. You see, I’m beginning to get tired of him.
No, thanks. I’m doing just fine.
Are you? I thought as much. Okay, I have great plans for tonight. I’m thinking of taking this piece of work to the Quarter of Trysts. Maybe he’ll ease up there, or get lost once and for all. Do you want to come along?
As a spectator? Gladly.
As a spectator, of course. What else? As the woman of his heart? You need to shave more often for that.
I shave often enough. But I’m also hungry, you know.
You’re always hungry. Okay, come over to the Lucky Skeleton. That’s between my house and the Quarter of Trysts. At this time of day, the guys usually dump some of their leftovers. I think they’ll let you root around in the pile.
Oh, is that what you usually do for dinner? I didn’t know that. I’ll keep it in mind for future reference.
I was about to leave when I saw my own traveling bag. I couldn’t be happier because I was finally able to change. My joy was complete.
“You may rule this world in solitude, O mighty buriwok,” I said, bowing to Kurush.
“Don’t forget to bring me a pastry,” he reminded me.
This was a sacred tradition. Whenever I slipped away from work, Kurush got a pastry. Then again, even if I stayed in the office all night long, Kurush still got his pastry. Deep in my heart, I wholeheartedly shared the Arvaroxian views on buriwoks.
When I arrived at the Lucky Skeleton, Melifaro wasn’t there. That was strange, because according to my calculations, the strapping young lad should have already been sitting at the table finishing off his dessert. I looked around to make sure, but my colleague was nowhere to be seen. Surprised, I sat down at a table in a cozy booth and fixed my eyes on the door.
Melifaro arrived some thirty minutes later. Following behind him was Rulen Bagdasys, wearing orange tights and a new fur hat, the size of which extended beyond anything remotely imaginable. His shiners glowed dimly under a thick layer of powder. I was impressed and waved to them from my cozy corner.
“Impressive,” I said to Melifaro. “I had no idea you were capable of running so late.”
“I had help,” he said. “Rulen was getting ready before his love affair. It took him so long to choose a pair of drawers, powder his black eyes, and comb the hat that I thought I’d go crazy. Have you already eaten your food?”
“That’s all right. I’ll order more.”
I hadn’t had anything since morning, but I tried to keep up my image of a glutton. If you want to be an idol of the masses, you’d better have a few harmless—and, preferably, amusing—flaws.
We buried our noses in the heavy menus. Rulen Bagdasys was prudently silent. I think he had been briefed on how to behave in respectable society before leaving the house. I even began to have my doubts about his second shiner—could it be courtesy of Sir Melifaro?
“Where did you get that one, poor thing?” I asked Rulen.
“Some half-wits,” he muttered. “Dirty half-wits with their busty females. They should’ve been happy that I bothered to glance their way. In Isamon even some poor noodle cutter wouldn’t marry them!”
“Quiet, you!” said Melifaro, and turned to me. “Same thing as yesterday. He was pestering some respectable gentlemen. He thought they’d be happy if he grabbed their wives’ buttocks. Well, the gentlemen didn’t appreciate the honor.”
“What is wrong with you?” I said to Rulen. “Haven’t you ever seen a woman before?”
“Are you out of your mind!” Rulen shouted. “I’m an old ladykiller. In Isamon females like those chase me day and night!”
“Well, in the Unified Kingdom, we don’t call women ‘females,’” I said dryly. “That’s a sure way to get your face smashed. By me, for instance.”
“Forget it,” said Melifaro. “I’d love to see you as an enforcer of manners, but advice of this sort doesn’t work on him. Trust me, I’ve tried. He remains completely deaf to it.”
“What? Speak up, I can’t hear you!” shouted the Isamonian, as if he wanted to prove the observation of my colleague. We laughed and began to eat.
I was so eager to tell Melifaro about our visit to the Court and Kurush’s secret that I couldn’t chew my food very well. Melifaro was laughing like a madman. Even Rulen Bagdasys temporarily forgot about his libido and listened to m
“Okay, take me to the females now!” Rulen Bagdasys shouted so loudly that some other customers began throwing our table curious looks.
Melifaro frowned with disgust. “I don’t think you’re in very good shape, buddy. You should probably catch a few Zs.”
“Have you sucked out your own brains?” Rulen shrieked. “I can’t think of sleeping. It’s time to grab some fat butts! Right now!”
“Okay, then,” said Melifaro, giving a short laugh. “It’s your call. Let’s go get you some ‘fat butts.’”
I was a little worried about the tone of his voice. I looked at my colleague and asked, “What’s going on?”
“You’ll see. You’re going to love it. Trust me.”
Now I was intrigued.
It took us about ten minutes to walk to the Quarter of Trysts. All the way there Melifaro was whispering in Rulen’s ear. I didn’t dare interfere.
We stopped in front of the first house for Seekers. I thought it was logical: I just couldn’t see Rulen Bagdasys as a Waiter.
“Go on,” said Melifaro. “Remember how to behave there?”
“What? I never forget anything. All the busty females will be mine!” shouted the Isamonian. “What are we waiting for?”
“Alas, we have some business to take care of,” said Melifaro. “We’d love to accompany you, but unfortunately, we’re otherwise engaged.”
“The wind blew away your brains a long time ago! Hello? Business? What business can you have at this hour?” shouted Rulen Bagdasys.
He didn’t waste any time trying to persuade us. He set his fur hat straight with a proud gesture and headed toward his first erotic adventure in Echo.
“Let’s hide around the corner,” said Melifaro. “I think one of the biggest brawls in the history of the Unified Kingdom is about to begin.”
“Figures,” I said. “What did you tell him?”
“The truth. Well, almost. I said he should walk in, pay, and pull out a token. And then I made a few things up. A bit of wishful thinking, so to speak. I told him that the number on the token denoted the number of women that were required to go with him. Can you imagine what will happen if he pulls out a token with the number seventy-eight?”
“Oh boy.” I couldn’t resist a smile. “I just hope it won’t be a blank.”
“Even if this lover boy pulls a blank, he’s going to start a brawl without any extra help.”
“True that. But don’t you think this is extremely cruel? He’s a human being after all.”
“Oh, look at you,” said Melifaro. “Since when did you become such a humanitarian? What do you think a person who calls women ‘females’ and grabs their behinds deserves?”
“Sooner or later I’m going to have to arrest you for disturbing the peace,” I said. Then I laughed, because the first shouts from the semi-closed doors of the Trysting House had reached our ears. I think it was something about brainless females that were out of their minds, unless I had misheard.
“The show has begun,” said Melifaro in a loud whisper. “Sinning Magicians, the show has begun!”
“At least no one will have to spend the night with him,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of that poor woman.”
“Then again, she will miss the best show in her life,” said Melifaro.
Meanwhile, the door of the Trysting House opened, and Rulen Bagdasys shot out of it like a cannonball. His orange hips flashed a few times as he sailed past the lights of the lampposts. The hat magically remained on his head throughout his entire flight. Had he glued it on?
“You half-wit! I’m coming back, you know, and then something terrible will happen!” The Isamonian was shouting nonstop. “I’ll show you! I’ll show you all! I have connections at the Royal Court!”
“By the way, his ‘connections at the Royal Court’ are you,” Melifaro said, winking at me. “See, you’re his final resort.”
“If you don’t calm down, I’m going to call the police.” The voice belonged to the owner of the Trysting House. “And praise be the Dark Magicians that you are a foreigner. That is why I’m letting you leave without any serious consequences after what you’ve done.”
“I can come back, you know,” said Rulen brazenly as he stepped away from the door to a safe distance. “I’ll come back and then there’ll be trouble!”
“There will be trouble, indeed,” promised the owner, shutting the door with a loud bang.
“Let’s go, Nightmare,” Melifaro whispered to me. “Quietly, though. I’m so sick of him. Can I sleep at your place tonight?”
“Sure. Is he that bad?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe it,” said Melifaro, hanging his head. “He wakes me up at night to tell me some stupid stories about his youth. He yells at people out of my windows and drops his fingernail clippings in my breakfast. I think I’m going to move out. Let him have it all.”
“Too bad,” I said. “I really liked your humble abode.”
“Believe it or not, I was also quite fond of it. So, can I go to your place?”
“And probably take my amobiler, too? I’ll bet you left yours at home.”
“You’re not a very good psychic, you know. I’m going to take one of the Ministry’s. After all, if I have privileges, why shouldn’t I use them? On principle.”
When we got to the House by the Bridge, Melifaro fulfilled his threat. He jumped into the back seat of one of the official amobilers of the Ministry. The driver woke up, trying to look brisk and alert.
“Feed my cats,” I said to Melifaro.
“I will. And I’ll comb them, too. Don’t worry, Max. I’m a country boy. A simple but very trustworthy country boy,” said Melifaro, smiling.
I stopped by the Glutton to grab some pastries for the “mighty buriwok” and went back to the House by the Bridge. I was going to catch some sleep in the armchair.
To my surprise, the armchair was occupied. The Master Eavesdropper was sleeping in it. This was an unusual event: normally at this hour, Sir Kofa was on duty in one of the numerous pubs of Echo.
“Well, I’ll be,” I said. “What’s going on, Sir Kofa? The world has turned upside down: I’m running around town and you’re sleeping at Headquarters.”
“I dropped by to have a chat with our wise bird about the guys from Arvarox,” said Kofa, yawning. “The city is full of rumors about them. I got curious. I suspect that it will be up to us to find that ‘filthy Mudlax,’ so it’s best to be prepared.”
“Would you like some Elixir of Kaxar? I’ve never seen you this tired before. And I thought that everything had been quiet recently.”
“It has,” said Kofa with a nod. “Don’t pay any attention to it, boy. I’m worried about my own, let’s just say personal, problems. Let’s have a drop of your Elixir. It might be just the thing at this moment.”
“Maybe I can help you,” I said, fumbling in Juffin’s drawer for the bottle of my favorite energy drink. Until now it had never occurred to me that someone else besides me could have “personal problems.”
“You?” said Sir Kofa, giving a resonant laugh. “You definitely can’t help me, boy. Don’t bother your head about it.”
“My head is quite big and empty. I’d love to fill it with something,” I said. “Why did you mention finding that filthy what’s-his-name?”
“Mudlax,” said Sir Kofa. “Why? Because we’re going to help those courageous yet simpleminded, handsome boys find him.”
“But that’s going to be super easy. People of Arvarox are so different from the rest of the people of the World. Even I noticed it.”
“Really?” I said. “I’ve never seen them before.”
“You probably have. It’s just that none of them risks showing off his pretty face in public. There are plenty of people in Echo who can disguise their appearance. Trust me on that one.”
“Whoa!” I said. “Looks like I’ve been a fool all this time.”
“Ah, no big deal,” said Kofa, smiling. The Elixir of Kaxar was evidently doing its job very well.
“Is there a method for testing whether a person’s face is real or not?”
“Maybe, but no one knows of such a method. Fortunately, we don’t need one. From talking with Kurush I learned that buriwoks can detect a native of Arvarox, no matter how well he disguises himself.”
“That’s great news.”
I remembered about the pastries. I handed them to Kurush, who had almost fallen asleep. Better later than never.
“I thought you forgot,” Kurush grumbled. “People tend to forget their promises.”
“Hey, when did I ever forget my promises?”
“On the eighth day of the year one hundred sixteen. Granted, that was the only time.”
Sir Kofa was getting a kick out of our little exchange. “Okay, boys,” he said. “I think I’m going to take a night walk through Echo. You’ve revitalized me completely, Max. Make sure you stock up on your wonderful Elixir. There are some dark days ahead.”
“You’re all trying to scare me,” I said. “First, Juffin told me to have some fun, hinting that it may be the last time. Now you. Is it that bad?”
“Not particularly bad, just messy. When I hear the word ‘Arvarox,’ my head is attracted to my pillow like a magnet. Whenever those white-haired, goggle-eyed, handsome boys appear in Echo, life becomes a particularly tiresome endeavor.”