The Stranger's Woes by Max Frei
“When did he say that?”
“An hour and a half ago, at least.”
“Are you saying that you were trying to wake me up all that time? I don’t believe you.”
“You should, though, because I was. More or less. First Juffin and I tried to send you a call, but you wouldn’t wake up. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen our Venerable Head break into a sweat. But to no avail. A half hour later, I realized it was an exercise in futility, so I sent a call to Tekki and asked her to wake you up. She said there was no way she was going to wake you up two hours after you’d gone to sleep, that it would be tantamount to suicide. She said if we were willing to risk our lives, we should go ahead and do it ourselves. Then I came over here. Meanwhile, Max, the time is ticking. So, please get ready.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Melifaro was so serious that I dressed in record time. I had never known myself to be so prompt.
“We can go now,” I said.
“Praise be the Magicians,” Melifaro said.
He gulped down the rest of his kamra and got up. I examined the bed—not a single crumb in sight. No “tender tickling” for Tekki tonight, I thought.
Tekki was sitting behind the bar, her head buried in the morning issue of the Royal Voice. The tavern was empty. Tekki still didn’t have a cook, and there weren’t too many customers who wanted to have a stiff drink on an empty stomach just before sundown in this part of town.
I waved goodbye to Tekki and left the establishment. Neither of us said a word out loud, since we preferred Silent Speech for our lyrical outpourings. And I didn’t want to give Melifaro the pleasure of eavesdropping on our billing and cooing.
“Here’s the deal: I’m going to drive really fast, and in return you’ll brief me on the Spirit of Xolomi and its R&R habits, m’kay?” I said.
“Do you mean to tell me you haven’t heard of the Spirit of Xolomi?” Melifaro said, raising his eyebrows. “Some education you’ve got under your belt. Not up to the standards required in a royal family. But all right, start her up, and I’ll tell you all about it since your ignorance casts a shadow on our ill-starred organization. Which has already been compromised to the limits.
“News flash number one: The Royal Prison of Xolomi is located on the exact spot that our scholars call the Heart of the World. I’ll bet you didn’t know that, either. Well, unlike you, the first king of the ancient dynasty, Xalla Maxun the Hairy, knew that very well. That’s why he built his palace on Xolomi Island. It was clear from the beginning that the palace had a mind of its own. It was almost alive. It could tell friend from foe and didn’t let outsiders inside. So Xalla Maxun and his descendants were well protected from disloyal magicians and other powerful rogues, who were a dime a dozen back in those days. The guys were all scrambling to plant their own backsides on the king’s throne. You’re the only one who’s eager to reject a crown that you can get for free.”
“Let’s not digress,” I said. “You said we didn’t have much time, and I don’t want to pester Juffin with questions. I don’t think he’s quite up to it now.”
“You’re right, he’s not. Where was I? Oh, so for centuries everything was in top-notch shape, even better. And then our legendary King Mynin was born, and the palace rejected him for some reason. Long story short, right after Mynin’s coronation, the palace became unlivable for the king. Mynin wasn’t going to shed too many tears about it, so he built Rulx Castle, which you already know inside and out. Then he just up and moved there.
“During the reign of Mynin and the first Gurigs, what’s now the prison was called the Xolomi Higher Institute and its graduates were powerful magicians. The idea was that they would serve the king and not the Orders. They say that back then, time itself flowed different within Xolomi’s walls. The students would spend a whole century there, maturing, mastering the program of education, and then graduating, while only two years would pass in the World outside. But the king’s efforts were in vain. In the beginning, the graduates of the Xolomi Higher Institute did exterminate a lot of the Ancient Orders, but almost immediately they founded Orders of their own, and the same old thing started all over again. By the way, your new in-law, Sir Loiso Pondoxo, was a student at the Institute. Which is, naturally, the best possible recommendation for it.
“Finally, one of the Gurigs—either the Fourth or the Fifth, I forget now—closed down the unruly Higher Institute. Then, some time later, our kings moved back to Xolomi. Everything went back to the way it had been during the time of Xalla the Hairy: nobody could enter Xolomi without the king’s consent, and any form of magic was useless against the people inside its amazing walls. Which was pretty handy, given the times.”
“How come they turned it into a prison?”
“Not too long before the Code Epoch, Xolomi Castle changed again. Now anyone can enter it, but nobody can leave without the warden’s help. Not even Magician Nuflin himself, I believe. Not the best place to live, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you do, you spent a few days there yourself, remember?”
“That I’ll never forget,” I said, stopping the amobiler by the entrance to the Headquarters of the Ministry of Perfect Public Order. “But you never told me anything about the Spirit of Xolomi.”
“Uh, you see, I don’t quite understand it myself,” Melifaro said. “I don’t think anyone does for sure. You’re already aware that Xolomi is not your run-of-the-mill fortress. It’s more like a sentient being that is unlike anything we’re used to thinking of as a living creature. It has a soul, or a Shadow, or whatever you want to call it. So, from time to time, it starts showing signs of life. And those signs of life are not something we’re too happy about. We humans are such spoiled creatures, after all. We want a quiet life without surprises.”
“Listen to Mr. Philosopher,” said Juffin.
He had just come out to greet us, cheerful and glum at the same time. He surveyed me from head to toe. His stare was warm and heavy, so heavy that it even made me hunch my shoulders.
“This is how it works, Max. From time to time the Spirit of Xolomi wakes up and feels like dancing,” said Juffin. “If its intensions ever come to pass, Xolomi will be razed to the ground, and I’m not sure anything else will be left standing, either. So we need to rein it in before it goes back to sleep, and that’s just what Sir Shurf and I are going to do. We did this once before, about ninety years ago. It’s not too difficult, but boy is it exhausting. Max, please pretend, at least, that you understand what I’m saying. I know you don’t, but do it as a personal favor to me, all right? Now, I don’t have much time, so let’s talk about more important things.”
“If you say so.”
“Shurf and I will be gone a dozen days. Maybe a bit longer, I’m not sure. You won’t be able to send us a call—our business with the Spirit of Xolomi requires extreme concentration. However, I’m absolutely confident that you will manage without us. Am I right?”
“We’ll soon find out.”
“Exactly. We’ll soon find out. It won’t require any special talents from you, but someone must make decisions from time to time. Whether the decisions are right or wrong doesn’t matter so much, but someone has to be there to make them. I should be very much obliged to you if you took this responsibility upon yourself, Max.”
“But why me? Why not Sir Kofa, for example?”
I wasn’t showing off or bargaining. I honestly wanted to know why Juffin decided to make me deputy in his absence. I saw every other candidate as a much better alternative.
“Sir Kofa hates this kind of job. He had enough of it back when he was Police General of the Right Bank. And when I offered him a job in the Secret Investigative Force, he agreed on one condition: that he’d never be anyone’s boss again. I gave him my word, and my word is the law.
“Okay,” I said, still puzzled. “But mark my words, you might live to regret it.”
“Might I?” said Juffin, chuckling. “All right, now take me to Xolomi please. I’m running late.”
“Don’t worry, Max,” said Juffin as he climbed into the back seat of the amobiler. “You’re going to do just fine. If one of the guys needs a good wisewoman, send a call to Sotofa. She’ll never let you down, you know that. If you need a consultation on some practical matters, ask Kofa. But what am I doing lecturing you? You’ll figure it out, if need be. You’ve made your own decisions before without consulting me and I liked them. In fact, I like them more and more, but that’s not really my point.”
“What is your point, then?” I said. “Have you decided that I need some training before I ascend the throne?”
“Oh, will you please drop this throne business? Still, training, as you put it, is something that will do you good. May come in handy one day.”
“Hmm. All right, then,” I said as I stopped the amobiler by the ferry, which was about to cast off. “But you’re going to have to deal with the consequences.”
“It won’t be the first time, will it? Oh, look, we’re here already. I hope Sir Shurf’s already in Kamshi’s office. You don’t have to walk me there, Max. The ferry won’t go any faster even if you’re on it.”
“I don’t have to walk you there, or you don’t want me to walk you there?” I said in a voice that didn’t sound like my own.
I had no idea what was happening to me. It suddenly seemed as if my personal universe was made of glass. And it was about to collapse and bury me under its crystalline shards. Something was missing in my picture of the World, the picture I had grown so used to. Something was missing—or something new had appeared. Something that shouldn’t be there.
“What’s going on,Max?” Juffin finally noticed that something wasn’t quite right with me. “Of course you can walk me there, if you want to. Do you have more questions?”
I stepped on the ferry and shook my head. “No, I guess I don’t. I’m just not feeling so great. And I won’t even be able to send you a call. I’m feeling lonely and . . . scared. There, I’ve said it.”
“Hey, look, Max! The ferry really is moving faster than usual. I guess I was wrong when I said your presence wouldn’t make any difference,” Juffin said.
“Are you joking?”
“No. Can’t you see? This contraption is moving along like crazy. You know, Max, in my time I had it even worse. That was back when my tutor, Sheriff Mackie Ainti, told me that he was leaving Kettari forever. He said, ‘Don’t even think about sending me a call. Ain’t gonna work. You’ll only get a headache.’ I thought that was the end of me. But, as you can see, it all worked out. As time went on, I became a pretty good sheriff of Kettari, and, between you and me, not the worst Magician in the Unified Kingdom.”
“You’re so modest,” I said.
“It isn’t modesty; it’s undiluted pride. Don’t hang your head, Max. You shouldn’t complain. Just a dozen days—nothing to worry about. Oh, here we are now. Good day, Max. And try to get as much fun out of this as you can, okay?”
Without waiting for my answer, Juffin jumped off onto the pier and headed toward the gates of Xolomi Prison. Which, as it turned out, was a living creature. While I was watching him and trying to formulate an answer, the ferry pulled away from the bank of the Heart of the World.
“Okay,” I said finally, watching Juffin’s silver looxi disappear behind the gates of Xolomi. “It’s a deal. I’ll try to have fun.”
Attaboy! Juffin’s Silent Speech reached me so suddenly that I almost fell off into the water. It’s good to know that you’re happy to do me at least one favor.
When I returned to the House by the Bridge, I was a little more discombobulated than I could afford to be. I went into our office and sat in my chair, on the back of which Kurush was sleeping. I was planning to sit there feeling sad, but my chagrin was interrupted.
“O Sir Venerable Head! O mighty buriwok!” Melifaro’s yellow looxi appeared before my eyes. “Command your loyal servant.”
“I’m going to get mad and won’t take you out for breakfast,” I said.
“I already had breakfast.”
“Then I won’t take you out for lunch.”
Melifaro said, “Oh, now that would be sad. Maybe you’ll take pity on me after all?”
“Maybe,” I said. “What other options do I have?”
“Will you take me out, too?”
Melamori was standing in the doorway.
“Okay, I’ll take you out, too. On second thought, no. I’m going to send a call to the Glutton. Make them bring our lunch right here. I’m too lazy to go gallivanting about.”
“I’m glad you’re such a lazy bum,” Melamori said. “Because Madam Zizinda is still a little scared of Leleo. I’d have to leave him at Headquarters, and he doesn’t like that at all.”
The furry spider-like creature perching on Melamori’s shoulder was purring softly. The hoob had such a sweet voice that my heart stood still every time I heard it.
“I’m also scared of him,” said Melifaro, hiding under the table. “So I’m going to have my lunch right here. Mark my words, miss, next time your beauty boy’s going to bring you a nest of Arvaroxian wasps.”
“And you’re the ones who will be running for cover,”Melamori said with a sting in her voice. Then she assumed the dreamy gaze of a girl imagining a romantic walk in the moonlight.
Melifaro got out from under his shelter, sat down in a chair, and put his feet up on the table. It was clearly my bad influence. The delivery boy from the Glutton knocked timidly on the door, came in, and began to clutter the table with trays of food. It’s not such a bad start after all, I thought.
While we were eating, Melamori and Melifaro exchanged jibes. Melamori was on a roll. Toward the end, Melifaro was losing points, but he made a valiant attempt to save face.
“So, what’s the plan for today?” he grumbled, as he was finishing off his dessert. “Command, Sir Nightmare. I humbly await your orders.”
“Shush,” I said. “I’m thinking.”
“Really? Didn’t you know you could do that.”
“If you don’t knock it off, I’ll teach you how to do it, too,” I said, and then turned toMelamori, who was giggling all the while. “Have you taken your hoob to the policemen’s side of the building today?”
“No, not yet.”
“That’s too bad,” I said. “It’s been too quiet over there. General Boboota hasn’t been shouting, and I haven’t seen Captain Foofloss in a while. This won’t do. The city policemen must be kept trembling in their boots. Off you go, then. I want to hear everyone screaming and shouting over there within five minutes. Got it?”
“Yes, Sir Max. They will be screaming and shouting shortly, sir.”
“Good girl. And if Lady Kekki Tuotli faints, bring her back to her senses and invite her to your favorite café on the Victory of Gurig VII Square. Tell Boboota that I asked her to help us, or think up something yourself—I don’t have to teach you. Sit there and have a chat. Beats loafing around Headquarters, anyway. You’re friends with her, if I’m not mistaken?”
“You’re not mistaken,” said Melamori, smiling. “Max, I adore you. How about we dump that Juffin altogether? You’re much better.”
“You don’t understand,” I said. “If Juffin hadn’t locked himself up in Xolomi, you and I could have gone to the ends of the earth together, if we wanted to. But now I’m too busy for that.”
“Yeah, that’s too bad,” said Melamori. “But I still like your management style.”
“That’s obvious,” said Melifaro with a trace of jealousy as she was leaving. Then he turned to me. “Okay, what pleasures do you have in store for me?”
“No pleasures for you. You, my friend, are destined to live a life of eternal sorrow. You’re staying in the office. But try putting on an intelligent expression, okay? Send me a call if something happens.”
“Where are you going?” Melifaro said.
“To Jafax.?
“Are you kidding me?”
I made a face at Melifaro, and he snickered at me.
“I’m dead serious. Wait for me and try not to die of boredom.”
“Deal,” said Melifaro. “But in order to survive, I’ll need a ton of kamra, and probably something stronger. I’ll order a few stiff drinks in the Glutton and put it on your tab, okay?”
“If I were you, I would reconsider. You said yourself that your father was quite happy with the fact that he had three sons. I don’t want to disappoint Sir Manga, but I may have to.”
“Fine, I’ll put it on Juffin’s tab, then. You’re here, and he’s not,” said Melifaro.
I shook a fist at him and left the office.
I really did go to Jafax. I thought I’d use the opportunity to visit Lady Sotofa, since I’d promised her I would. Days were short, and there was no end of urgent matters to attend to, but I didn’t want to look like a swine, throwing all thoughts of friendship to the winds.
A few minutes later I stood by the impregnable walls of the Residence of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover, just where, according to my vague recollection, there should have been one of the Secret Doors. I suppressed a sudden burst of shyness and sent a call to Lady Sotofa Xanemer.
Is that you, boy? she answered. It hasn’t been three hours since that old fox Juffin hid himself away in Xolomi and you’re already in trouble? I don’t believe it.
I just wanted to take advantage of the situation to skip work and have a cup of kamra with you.
“And to learn a secret or two, while you’re at it, eh?” said Lady Sotofa, who had suddenly appeared behind me.
“You read me like an open book,” I said. “I never pass up the opportunity to learn something new at someone else’s expense.”