`Warrior Girls' by Bill Etem
`Queen Brittany,' began Shelby, Misevasundia's eldest girl, `is smart in some ways, but she's not so bright if she thinks she can scare us with all of her emotional talk about tigers tearing us apart, and horses pulling us limb from limb, and getting burned alive. She's a nice lady but she is sort of a dumb-ass.'
`She's much fatter but also much prettier than I expected,' said Mercedes, Misevasundia's youngest daughter, as they left the Castle. `She got me steamed when she said we had more guts than brains. Yeah, maybe she is a dumb-ass.'
`Keep it down!' exclaimed their mom. `She's a dim bulb alright. A fine mother I would be if I taught my kids to cut and run just because the enemy did some nasty things! But you can't go around saying the Queen is a dumb-ass. They don't chop your head off round here anymore if you besmirch the dignity of the monarch, but you get your name on a blacklist, and good luck getting invited to fun parties if your name is on the blacklist. And you don't know if there's a Judas in our midst who will hear your words and will then betray you to people who will put your name on the official blacklist. So don't insult the Queen.'
`If there was a Judas in our midst, who do you think it would be?' asked Shelby.
`It's usually people who say stuff like "the Queen is a dumb-ass", replied Misevasundia. `It's more or less the unofficial position of this company that the Queen is a good woman or at least good enough; we certainly don't want her deposed, or executed, or thrown into a dungeon, though I didn't like that comment she made about how she would be upset if we got eaten by enormous cave bears, not because we she hated the idea of us getting devoured, but because we would fail in our mission if we got devoured by cave bears. Anyway, despite some of her insensitive comments, we're OK with Queen Brittany being Queen. Now if she became tyrannical then this would change things, and our position on Queen Brittany might change from one of support for the Queen to one of agitation for regime change in a non-violent way, or perhaps we would be in favor of a plot to launch a coup which brought about her violent removal from office, assuming her tyranny was sufficiently extreme. We might have some people in our midst who believe in the Divine Right of monarchs, or maybe we don't. That's why you want to express your religious and political beliefs with some discretion, because, if, in a Civil War, the Atheists or the Agnostics think that you believe in the Divine Right of Monarchs, then you might get your throat cut by the Atheists and Agnostics if they come to think that Queen Brittany has become tyrannical and must be removed from office via a coup. If they are bent on launching a coup they might silence anyone who they think might tell the Queen about this coup, such as a person who believes the Queen has a Divine Right to rule, regardless whether she is tyrannical or not. Similarly, the Atheists and the Agnostics have to be circumspect in their religious and political comments, because, in a Civil War, they might get their throats cut by fanatics in favor of the Divine Right of Kings / Queens. If fanatics believe Atheists and Agnostics are plotting violence against Queen Brittany, regardless if Queen Brittany has become tyrannical or not, then fanatics might get violent toward them. So, the concept of a Judas - a nasty chick or a ruthless dude - is a little complicated. A Judas, in the eyes of someone who believes in the Divine Right of Queens and Kings, might be a hero, and not be a Judas - not a nasty chick or a ruthless dude - in the eyes of people who reject the doctrine of the Divine Right of Queens and Kings. I hope this clarifies matters.'
`It's quite rudimentary really,' said the 5-year-old, Mercedes. `But so much depends on the definition of the word "tyrannical". And everything depends on whether the doctrine of the Divine Right of Queens and Kings is sound or unsound. If it is sound, and if you launch a coup against the LORD's anointed one, even though the anointed one has become tyrannical, then you will burn in hell. But if God wants tyrannical Kings and Queens removed from office, because they are not really the LORD's anointed, though they insist they are, and because they are tyrannical, then you won't burn in hell if you launch coups against tyrannical Kings and Queens.'
`Quite so,' said Shelby, Mercedes' elder sister. `I think you've really hit the nail on the head with your analysis.'
Casilevatates and her daughters, Jacqueline and Camille, were not all that close to Misevasundia and her daughters. But the latter three were speaking in voices loud enough to be heard by the former three.
`So,' Jacqueline began, addressing to her mother, `because Misevasundia says the Atheists are foul ingrates, and since you say the Atheists are wretchedly stupid, a suspicious person would say this means that you and Misevasundia are probably Atheists who are masquerading as Christians in attempts to try to ingratiate themselves with believers, to find out which of these believers believe, and which do not believe, in the Divine Right of Monarchs.'
`Very funny,' said Casilevatates.
`I don't understand,' said Camille, Casilevatates' youngest girl.
`When Heliomirabellisima said believers are babies,' said Casilevatates, `this doesn't prove with 100% certainty she is sincere, though of course it doesn't prove with 100% certainty she is a believer who is masquerading as an Atheist. It doesn't prove she is a Christian spy trying to get closer to the Atheists, in order to learn about any possible Atheistic plots to overthrow Queen Brittany. She might be sincere in her contention that believers are babies, or she might be lying through her teeth. We just can't know for a certainty where Heliomirabellisima's highest allegiance lies. All that matters is that you be on the right side should a Civil War break out.'
`And what's the right side to be on? I mean, just because you are my mother, and just because you claim you are sincere with me, this doesn't prove you will be on the right side, should a Civil War break out,' said Jacqueline.
`It might be smart to trust no one and to try to find your own answers and your own solutions. But it is smarter if you trust your dear old mom.'
`So,' continued Jacqueline, `we know that the right side to be on in a Civil War is to be on God's side, the side which leads souls to Heaven and not to a Hell. This we know. I'm assuming now that you have been sincere with me, mommy dearest, as you have instructed me from my birth that there is a God and Heaven and a Hell. Of course if you have been insincere with me, this doesn't prove there isn't a God and a Heaven and a Hell, and, even if you have been sincere with me, this doesn't prove there is a God and a Heaven and a Hell.'
`Oh stop it. I'm sincere with you. There is most certainly a God and a Heaven and a Hell.'
`I agree with that, though, I suppose, that you, to be really smart, have to be thinking that it is possible that your eldest daughter is being insincere with you, in saying that I agree with you about God and Heaven and Hell, when, I might not agree with you. I mean, if a Civil War is pending, I have to watch my neck, and so do you. So, you have to think that I might, possibly, be insincere, if insincerity advances my own Atheistic agenda, assuming I had an Atheistic agenda, though I don't have an Atheistic agenda.'
`Oh Please!' said Casilevatates.
`Just to articulate all the possibilities,' said Camille, addressing her mother, `as an exercise in logic, we know for a fact that you are either a sincere Christian, or you are a very clever Atheist spy.'
`Now you've given me food for thought,' said Jacqueline. `I will be a Christian spy. I will masquerade as an Atheist and I will report back to you what I learn. Helio…'
`Heliomirabellisima,' said Casilevatates.
`Yeah, she made that comment about how believers are stupid because we like Coco-Puffs. I like Cocoa-Puffs! They're delicious. So I found her comment rude and insulting. What I'll do is I'll drop some hints to her saying I'm not sure there is a God. I'll just feel her out to see if I can learn if she really is an enemy of God or if she is just masquerading as an enemy of God.'
`I don't want you to do that. It's dangerous,' said Casilevatates. `I know you are willful, and you might disobey me and do what you want to do, not what I want you to do. I'll make a bargain with you. I will help you if you insist on becomin
g a spy. I will help you to avoid making mistakes which will betray you to our enemies. If you were to approach Heliomirabellisima and drop some hints saying you are an Atheist, then she will suspect right away you are being insincere, because she knows I have raised you to be a God-fearing girl. But if you very slowly, like over the course of several years, if you very slowly pretend to become an Atheist, then she won't suspect anything. Understand?
`Yes.'
`You must promise me that you will confide in me, you must promise me that you will let me help you if you insist on being a Christian spy. I've never told you before, but if you masquerade as an Atheist you are in terrible danger, because, though we are Christian, some Christians are as mean as the Devil, and if they catch you spying on them they might tear you limb from limb. Christians can get very hostile, but so can Atheists. Some Christians, some I say, mind you, some Christians can be like devils. So promise me you will let me help you if you insist on spying for our side.'
`I promise,' said Jacqueline. `But Kayla's mom, Helio…'
`Heliomirabellisima.'
`Yeah, she's says you are over-the-top - I know what over-the-top means - and she says you are over-the-top. I told Kayla that you said Atheists will commit any sort of crime. Kayla told her mom and Kayla's mom says you are so over-the-top it proves you are an Atheist spy not a Christian.'
`Well Kayla's mom is crazy. Run along, we'll talk later. I won't try to dissuade you because I know you are willful and I want you to confide in me, because I love you, and you know you need my help. You promised me you will let me help you. You will make errors if you don't let me help you. Run along now. I love you.'
`I love you too, mom.'
Jacqueline ran off as her mother swore under her breath. `Damn!' This is a fine kettle a fish. Here I am, an Atheist spy masquerading as a Christian, with a daughter that I love who will probably become a Christian spy masquerading as an Atheist.'
`She's much fatter but also much prettier than I expected,' said Mercedes, Misevasundia's youngest daughter, as they left the Castle. `She got me steamed when she said we had more guts than brains. Yeah, maybe she is a dumb-ass.'
`Keep it down!' exclaimed their mom. `She's a dim bulb alright. A fine mother I would be if I taught my kids to cut and run just because the enemy did some nasty things! But you can't go around saying the Queen is a dumb-ass. They don't chop your head off round here anymore if you besmirch the dignity of the monarch, but you get your name on a blacklist, and good luck getting invited to fun parties if your name is on the blacklist. And you don't know if there's a Judas in our midst who will hear your words and will then betray you to people who will put your name on the official blacklist. So don't insult the Queen.'
`If there was a Judas in our midst, who do you think it would be?' asked Shelby.
`It's usually people who say stuff like "the Queen is a dumb-ass", replied Misevasundia. `It's more or less the unofficial position of this company that the Queen is a good woman or at least good enough; we certainly don't want her deposed, or executed, or thrown into a dungeon, though I didn't like that comment she made about how she would be upset if we got eaten by enormous cave bears, not because we she hated the idea of us getting devoured, but because we would fail in our mission if we got devoured by cave bears. Anyway, despite some of her insensitive comments, we're OK with Queen Brittany being Queen. Now if she became tyrannical then this would change things, and our position on Queen Brittany might change from one of support for the Queen to one of agitation for regime change in a non-violent way, or perhaps we would be in favor of a plot to launch a coup which brought about her violent removal from office, assuming her tyranny was sufficiently extreme. We might have some people in our midst who believe in the Divine Right of monarchs, or maybe we don't. That's why you want to express your religious and political beliefs with some discretion, because, if, in a Civil War, the Atheists or the Agnostics think that you believe in the Divine Right of Monarchs, then you might get your throat cut by the Atheists and Agnostics if they come to think that Queen Brittany has become tyrannical and must be removed from office via a coup. If they are bent on launching a coup they might silence anyone who they think might tell the Queen about this coup, such as a person who believes the Queen has a Divine Right to rule, regardless whether she is tyrannical or not. Similarly, the Atheists and the Agnostics have to be circumspect in their religious and political comments, because, in a Civil War, they might get their throats cut by fanatics in favor of the Divine Right of Kings / Queens. If fanatics believe Atheists and Agnostics are plotting violence against Queen Brittany, regardless if Queen Brittany has become tyrannical or not, then fanatics might get violent toward them. So, the concept of a Judas - a nasty chick or a ruthless dude - is a little complicated. A Judas, in the eyes of someone who believes in the Divine Right of Queens and Kings, might be a hero, and not be a Judas - not a nasty chick or a ruthless dude - in the eyes of people who reject the doctrine of the Divine Right of Queens and Kings. I hope this clarifies matters.'
`It's quite rudimentary really,' said the 5-year-old, Mercedes. `But so much depends on the definition of the word "tyrannical". And everything depends on whether the doctrine of the Divine Right of Queens and Kings is sound or unsound. If it is sound, and if you launch a coup against the LORD's anointed one, even though the anointed one has become tyrannical, then you will burn in hell. But if God wants tyrannical Kings and Queens removed from office, because they are not really the LORD's anointed, though they insist they are, and because they are tyrannical, then you won't burn in hell if you launch coups against tyrannical Kings and Queens.'
`Quite so,' said Shelby, Mercedes' elder sister. `I think you've really hit the nail on the head with your analysis.'
Casilevatates and her daughters, Jacqueline and Camille, were not all that close to Misevasundia and her daughters. But the latter three were speaking in voices loud enough to be heard by the former three.
`So,' Jacqueline began, addressing to her mother, `because Misevasundia says the Atheists are foul ingrates, and since you say the Atheists are wretchedly stupid, a suspicious person would say this means that you and Misevasundia are probably Atheists who are masquerading as Christians in attempts to try to ingratiate themselves with believers, to find out which of these believers believe, and which do not believe, in the Divine Right of Monarchs.'
`Very funny,' said Casilevatates.
`I don't understand,' said Camille, Casilevatates' youngest girl.
`When Heliomirabellisima said believers are babies,' said Casilevatates, `this doesn't prove with 100% certainty she is sincere, though of course it doesn't prove with 100% certainty she is a believer who is masquerading as an Atheist. It doesn't prove she is a Christian spy trying to get closer to the Atheists, in order to learn about any possible Atheistic plots to overthrow Queen Brittany. She might be sincere in her contention that believers are babies, or she might be lying through her teeth. We just can't know for a certainty where Heliomirabellisima's highest allegiance lies. All that matters is that you be on the right side should a Civil War break out.'
`And what's the right side to be on? I mean, just because you are my mother, and just because you claim you are sincere with me, this doesn't prove you will be on the right side, should a Civil War break out,' said Jacqueline.
`It might be smart to trust no one and to try to find your own answers and your own solutions. But it is smarter if you trust your dear old mom.'
`So,' continued Jacqueline, `we know that the right side to be on in a Civil War is to be on God's side, the side which leads souls to Heaven and not to a Hell. This we know. I'm assuming now that you have been sincere with me, mommy dearest, as you have instructed me from my birth that there is a God and Heaven and a Hell. Of course if you have been insincere with me, this doesn't prove there isn't a God and a Heaven and a Hell, and, even if you have been sincere with me, this doesn't prove there is a God and a Heaven and a Hell.'
`Oh stop it. I'm sincere with you. There is most certainly a God and a Heaven and a Hell.'
`I agree with that, though, I suppose, that you, to be really smart, have to be thinking that it is possible that your eldest daughter is being insincere with you, in saying that I agree with you about God and Heaven and Hell, when, I might not agree with you. I mean, if a Civil War is pending, I have to watch my neck, and so do you. So, you have to think that I might, possibly, be insincere, if insincerity advances my own Atheistic agenda, assuming I had an Atheistic agenda, though I don't have an Atheistic agenda.'
`Oh Please!' said Casilevatates.
`Just to articulate all the possibilities,' said Camille, addressing her mother, `as an exercise in logic, we know for a fact that you are either a sincere Christian, or you are a very clever Atheist spy.'
`Now you've given me food for thought,' said Jacqueline. `I will be a Christian spy. I will masquerade as an Atheist and I will report back to you what I learn. Helio…'
`Heliomirabellisima,' said Casilevatates.
`Yeah, she made that comment about how believers are stupid because we like Coco-Puffs. I like Cocoa-Puffs! They're delicious. So I found her comment rude and insulting. What I'll do is I'll drop some hints to her saying I'm not sure there is a God. I'll just feel her out to see if I can learn if she really is an enemy of God or if she is just masquerading as an enemy of God.'
`I don't want you to do that. It's dangerous,' said Casilevatates. `I know you are willful, and you might disobey me and do what you want to do, not what I want you to do. I'll make a bargain with you. I will help you if you insist on becomin
`Yes.'
`You must promise me that you will confide in me, you must promise me that you will let me help you if you insist on being a Christian spy. I've never told you before, but if you masquerade as an Atheist you are in terrible danger, because, though we are Christian, some Christians are as mean as the Devil, and if they catch you spying on them they might tear you limb from limb. Christians can get very hostile, but so can Atheists. Some Christians, some I say, mind you, some Christians can be like devils. So promise me you will let me help you if you insist on spying for our side.'
`I promise,' said Jacqueline. `But Kayla's mom, Helio…'
`Heliomirabellisima.'
`Yeah, she's says you are over-the-top - I know what over-the-top means - and she says you are over-the-top. I told Kayla that you said Atheists will commit any sort of crime. Kayla told her mom and Kayla's mom says you are so over-the-top it proves you are an Atheist spy not a Christian.'
`Well Kayla's mom is crazy. Run along, we'll talk later. I won't try to dissuade you because I know you are willful and I want you to confide in me, because I love you, and you know you need my help. You promised me you will let me help you. You will make errors if you don't let me help you. Run along now. I love you.'
`I love you too, mom.'
Jacqueline ran off as her mother swore under her breath. `Damn!' This is a fine kettle a fish. Here I am, an Atheist spy masquerading as a Christian, with a daughter that I love who will probably become a Christian spy masquerading as an Atheist.'