Dork Diaries Book 8: Tales From a Not-So-Happily Ever After! by Rachel Renée Russell
I could NOT believe MacKenzie was LYING about me like that right in front of my FACE!! No wonder everyone was mad even MADDER at me.
“There’s been an awful mistake! I didn’t do any of those terrible things! Well, okay. Maybe I did a few of them! But some of that stuff was totally by accident. Please, Your Highness. I beg of you! Please do something! Anything!” I cried.
And she did! The Queen of Hearts pointed at me and screamed . . .
“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!!”
Then she ordered me to stand trial for my crimes against the kingdom tomorrow at sunrise!!
JUST GREAT !!
That’s when MacKenzie came over and gave me a big hug!
“You poor thing! I feel SO bad for you! But, the most important thing is to just stay calm through all of this and NOT lose your head! Oops! Did I just say ‘lose your head’? SORRY!”
Then she sashayed away! I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays.
Anyway, I tried to look on the bright side. I was very sure that by tomorrow the queen would realize she had made a HUGE mistake.
And if I actually did have a trial, there was no doubt in my mind that all my new friends in Fairy Tale Land would testify that I was a decent person.
The challenge was going to be contacting everyone before my trial at sunrise.
Just as I was about to leave the castle to try to round up witnesses for my trial, the guards stopped me.
“Not so fast, Miss Wicked Witch . . . from the . . . Unknown—!”
“I am NOT a wicked witch!” I snapped.
“I have specific orders from the queen to keep you locked up until your trial and execution tomorrow! To the DUNGEON with YOU! You’ll be sharing a cell with the rats!!”
“DUNGEON?!! RATS?!! EXECUTION?!!” I gasped.
Then I took a big breath and screamed with every ounce of my being. . . .
“BRIANNA!! HEEEEEEEEELLLP!!”
Unfortunately, Brianna was a no-show. AGAIN!!
Brianna was VERY lucky that the Queen of Hearts had placed me under arrest right then.
Because I would have marched right over to the Fairy Tale Land Council headquarters and filed a complaint against Brianna for “incompetent fairy godmothering” (or whatever) and demanded an immediate replacement!
Anyway, the guards escorted me down three long flights of steps, deep into the bowels of the castle.
Then they locked me in the cold, dark, dank dungeon!!
As I sat on a hard wooden bench, shivering beneath a dirty, tattered blanket, two things suddenly became quite obvious.
I was never going home, and my life was pretty much OVER!!
!!
MY EXECUTION EVE DINNER CELEBRATION
“Get up, you lazy good-for-nothing!!” the Hawk—or in this case, Sir Hawk—yelled as he struck the dungeon bars with his sword.
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
I awoke from my nap, startled and confused. Even though I’d only been there five or six hours, it felt like that many days. “What’s going on?” I muttered groggily.
“You’re expected at the queen’s Execution Eve dinner!” Sir Hawk answered as he opened the dungeon door. “Hurry up! You DON’T want to keep Her Highness waiting! She’s VERY impatient!”
“Go away! I’m NOT hungry!” I grumped, and covered my head with my tattered blanket like a spoiled toddler.
“You DON’T have a choice.” He scowled. “If the queen tells you to eat, you’re going to EAT! Or it’s OFF with your pretty little HEAD! Got it?!”
I snatched the blanket off my head and glared at that guy. Then I said . . .
“SORRY, DUDE! BUT I’M STAYING RIGHT HERE IN MY CELL! YOU CAN WAKE ME UP AFTER MY EXECUTION!”
Sir Hawk pulled a foot-long salami sandwich out of his boot and snarfed it down. Then he burped louder than a large moose. “This isn’t a joke, pip-squeak! If I don’t take you to the queen, she’s going to execute ME!” he said in a quivering voice. “That lady is MEAN and SCARY!”
Even though I was the prisoner, I actually felt sorry for the guy. So I agreed to go to the queen’s dinner.
I had originally planned to grab some chicken wing-dings, punch, and cake to take back to my cell. But, unfortunately, the queen had a much more elaborate evening planned for me.
I was surprised to see so many people there. They were dressed in ball gowns and tuxedos, mingling and eating hors d’oeuvres.
The queen was there too, and she was absolutely FURIOUS about something!
She pointed a finger right in my face and started screaming at me like she had lost her mind or something.
ME, HAVING AN AUDIENCE WITH THE QUEEN OF HEARTS!
“YOU’RE LATE!!” she screamed. “Do you know how BAD you’ve made ME look in front of MY guests?! How am I supposed to throw an Execution Eve dinner party when the person getting executed isn’t here?”
“I’m really sorry, Your Highness! I didn’t mean to be late, but I was locked in your—”
“And WHY are you still in those horrible peasant rags?? Have you no SHAME?! Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my guests?!”
“I apologize! But I couldn’t shop for a dress even if I wanted to,” I answered, somewhat sarcastically. “I’ve been locked in your dungeon all day! Remember?!”
“THAT is NO excuse!” the queen shrieked. “If you RUIN my execution dinner, it’s OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!! Do you understand?”
I nodded. The king, who I could have sworn was my school newspaper adviser, Mr. Zimmerman, sat nervously beside his wife.
“I don’t mean to intrude, dear,” the king said timidly, “but technically, you’re going to execute her anyway. So . . .”
“SILENCE!!!!!!” the queen yelled.
“Yes, d-dear. Where are my manners?” the king stammered nervously. “Why don’t I go get you a drink of cold punch, sweetheart?”
“Hello, world! I’m HEEEEEERE!” someone squealed.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when MacKenzie sashayed into the party wearing a shimmery black chiffon witch dress and holding a diamond-encrusted gold broom.
“Don’t I look stunning?” She twirled around like she was on a fashion runway. “Take it in, darlings! ‘GLITCH’ is the new ‘glamazon’!”
I just rolled my eyes at that girl. “Glitch” was MacKenzie’s cheesy slang word for a glamorous witch. . . .
MACKENZIE, THE WICKED GLITCH (“GLAM WITCH”) OF THE WEST
I was like, “Sorry, girlfriend. But the only thing glitching here is your BRAIN!” But I just said that inside my head, so no one else heard it but me.
“DARLING! If it isn’t the Witch of the West!” the queen exclaimed. “You look amazing, as always!” She walked away to chat with her.
I just stood there alone, scared and desperate to escape. But every exit was blocked by the queen’s guards. I sighed and hung my head.
“I’m DOOMED!!” I groaned as I sadly munched on a cold, greasy duck gizzard meatball.
“PSSSSST!” I heard someone say.
I looked around, but I couldn’t figure out where the sound was coming from.
“PSSSSST!” came the sound again.
I stared, dumbfounded, at a large potted plant sitting a few feet behind me. Wait! That thing wasn’t there a minute ago! That’s when a smiling face suddenly popped out of the leaves.
“ACK!!” I screamed. . . .
ME, FREAKING OUT WHEN A HEAD SUDDENLY POPPED OUT OF THE POTTED PLANT
“B-B-Brianna? Is that you?!” I stammered, trying to contain my happiness. . . .
ME, GIVING BRIANNA A BIG HUG!
“Yep,” she answered. “You didn’t think I was going to just stand by and let you get executed, did you?”
“OMG! I’m SO happy to see you!” I cried. “Please! Just get me outta here!”
“Chill out, girlfriend! Or you’re gonna blow my cover!” the plant . . . er, I mean, Brianna hissed at me.
“Okay, sorry! You’re a lifesaver!” I gushed. “So, what’s the plan? How a
Brianna scratched her head with her leafy hand. “Actually . . . I haven’t figured that part out. Yet!”
“I’m going to be executed in less than twelve hours, and you DON’T have a plan?!” I screeched. Quietly.
“Sorry! But I spent half a day just figuring out how to sneak into this castle. It wasn’t easy coming up with such a brilliant disguise. I look like a real houseplant, don’t you think?”
“Ugh! Brianna!” I groaned, SUPERannoyed. “Like I said . . . I’M DOOMED!”
“Don’t be such a pessimist! Just give me some time, okay?” Brianna said. “I’ll come up with a brilliant plan very soon. Trust me! But in the meantime, just try to enjoy your dinner party. You ARE the guest of honor! By the way, congratulations!”
I just rolled my eyes at that girl!
“Anyway, just keep the queen distracted for me. And whatever you do, don’t mention a talking plant with pigtails,” she instructed me.
“Got it!” I said, giving her a thumbs-up.
“Oh! There’s one more thing . . . ,” Brianna added. “And it’s EXTREMELY important!”
“What do you need me to do?” I asked.
“Well . . . all this sneaking around has made me quite thirsty,” she said. “Can you do me a favor and water me? About a gallon should do it.”
“WATER YOU?! Brianna, I think you might be taking this plant thing a bit too seriously!”
Just then the queen’s butler rang a bell, summoning everyone to the dinner table.
“Ladies and gentlemen, let the Execution Eve feast begin!” the queen declared as the crowd applauded. “Thank you all for coming. The only thing I enjoy more than watching heads roll is celebrating the joyous event with all of YOU, my loyal subjects!”
I swallowed hard and shot Brianna a terrified look. “Who says stuff like that?!” I whispered. “This woman’s completely insane!”
“Forget the execution!” Brianna snarked. “You’d have to be criminally insane to decorate with all these tacky red hearts when it’s not even Valentine’s Day!”
I rolled my eyes at her again.
“Sorry!” she said sheepishly. “Anyway, you’d better rejoin the party before she gets mad again. We don’t need her losing her temper and executing you DURING your execution celebration dinner!”
Unfortunately, as crazy as it sounded, I had to admit that Brianna was right! !!
“Okay, Brianna. Good luck coming up with a rescue plan! I’ll see you soon!” I said hopefully as I gave her another quick hug.
Then I turned around and bumped right into . . . MACKENZIE !! OMG! I actually peed my pants!
“I’ve heard of tree huggers! But plant huggers?!” she snarled at me. “What’s going on?”
“The experts say t-talking to p-plants helps them to g-grow?” I stammered nervously.
“GUARD! I’m allergic to creepy, sneaky plants like this one. Chop it into itty-bitty pieces and throw it into the fire! NOW!” MacKenzie screeched.
THE GUARD, CHOPPING UP THE BRIANNA PLANT!!
I’ve been crying for hours, and I can’t seem to stop! It’s hard to believe that MacKenzie actually MURDERED my fairy godmother!
Brianna lost her life just trying to help ME! I feel so HORRIBLE right now.
I know Brianna wasn’t perfect! But I wish I had been a lot nicer to her. And told her how much I appreciated her.
It’s easy to take people you really care about for granted. Then, one day, they’re out of your life.
Even though the Brianna plant had been chopped to pieces and burned in the fireplace, I had managed to grab a small leaf and hide it in my pocket.
It was ALL that I had left of her !!
With a very heavy heart, I sadly fulfilled Brianna’s last request and watered her.
With my very own TEARS!! . . .
ME, SADLY HOLDING WHAT LITTLE WAS LEFT OF BRIANNA!
!!
TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS
Today was my trial and, of course, I was pretty much freaking out !! Sir Hawk placed shackles on my arms and legs and escorted me out of the dungeon. He must have felt guilty or something because he said, “I feel really sorry for you, kid. I hate my job, but I need it to keep FOOD on the table.”
I stared at his big, bulging belly. I had a hard time believing he was going to die of starvation anytime soon, even if there WASN’T food on his table.
He continued. “Your trial starts in thirty minutes, and your execution is immediately afterward. They’re setting up the guillotine right now!”
“GUILLOTINE!” I shrieked. “But what if I’m found INNOCENT?!”
“The Queen of Hearts is ruthless! And heartless! She’ll execute you regardless of the outcome. So it won’t really matter if you’re innocent.”
“But that’s NOT fair!” I yelled. “Nobody told me I was going to be executed after my trial even if I was found innocent!”
“What do you mean? I just told you a couple of seconds ago!” Sir Hawk said, looking at me like I had the IQ of belly button lint.
Then he pulled a dozen chicken nuggets out of his helmet and popped them one by one into his mouth. He licked his fingers, burped like an ox, and sadly shook his head.
“Listen, pip-squeak. Being in the queen’s justice system is like grabbing a fire-breathing dragon by the tail! Basically . . . you’re TOAST!!”
I was DOOMED !! My heart was pounding so hard and fast it seemed to be echoing through the dank stairwell. I gasped when MacKenzie suddenly popped out of nowhere, cackling like a, um . . . WICKED witch!
“You MURDERER!!” I screamed. “WHY?!!”
“WHY? BECAUSE I’M GOING TO BE QUEEN OF FAIRY TALE LAND! BUT FIRST I NEED TO DISPOSE OF YOU AND ALL THE OTHER PESKY RENEGADES!”
“But why the Renegades?” I asked. “What did they ever do to you?”
“They’re always hanging out in the woods, sticking their noses in other people’s business and interfering with MY master plan!” MacKenzie complained.
“You mean by helping other people, trying to fulfill their own dreams, and making Fairy Tale Land a better place?” I asked.
“Whatever! You sound like a cheap greeting card. The Regals were bored, self-absorbed little brats until YOU came along! Now they’re obsessed with becoming heroes,” MacKenzie fumed. “It’s DISGUSTING! And making my job a lot harder!”
“MacKenzie, YOU’RE a spoiled, self-absorbed, power-hungry little BRAT! And disgusting, too!”
“You say that like it’s a BAD thing! It had taken me FOREVER, but I’d finally gotten the Regals and Renegades to hate each other. And THEMSELVES!
Then you came along and messed up everything. So now it’s off with your head, girlfriend!”
“Well, if I don’t stop you, I’m sure somebody will!” I said, staring right into her beady little eyes.
“Don’t count on it, sweetie! The Queen of Hearts and the wizard are already my brainless pawns! And soon I’ll dispose of them as well. And your silly, incompetent godmother, Brianna, made a great SALAD, don’t you think?! She was NEVER a match for ME!”
When she mentioned poor Brianna, I got a big lump in my throat and blinked back my tears !
MacKenzie was EVIL INCARNATE!!
But I already knew that neither the Queen of Hearts nor the wizard would believe me, even if I exposed her diabolical plan.
“Well, I’d better be going. I have a front-row seat to an execution. And I don’t want to keep the queen waiting!” She giggled.
The main courtyard of the castle was packed with spectators and had an almost festive air.
At the center was a huge stage. The queen’s throne sat ten feet away from a large guillotine that she had obviously designed herself.
It was heart-shaped, sprinkled with glitter, and decorated with balloons and pink and red hearts.
It was simply ADORABLE !
In a very sick, dark, and demented kind of way !
I took the stage and stood before her, shi
The queen smiled and addressed the huge crowd.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Standing before you is the most vicious, cruel, and sinister person of all time. And I am NOT referring to myself! I’m talking about . . . HER!” she said, dramatically pointing at me with her scepter.
A collective gasp rose from the crowd, and a few people booed.
“As your queen, the judge, and the jury, I hereby order that Nikki Maxwell shall be immediately executed for the crime of treason and—”
The king timidly tapped the queen on her shoulder. “Excuse me for interrupting, dear. But what about the trial? To be fair, we first need to have—”
“This is MY courtroom!” she screamed. “And I can do whatever I please! Do you understand that?!”
“Yes, d-dear!” stammered the king.
“But since you insist, we’ll have a trial!” she said sweetly. “The first witness I’d like to call to testify is Bud the Baker.”
Surprised, Bud the Baker took the stage and stood nervously before the queen.
“So, Bud, what were you doing two days ago, while Nikki Maxwell was so stealthily corrupting the young people of this kingdom?” the queen asked.
“Um, I dunno! All I do every day is bake,” he said with a shrug. “I’m not really sure why you called me up here. I’ve never seen her before. . . .”
“And what do you bake?”
“Cinnamon rolls. And cupcakes, too,” Bud answered.
“I LOVE cupcakes! Do you make the kind with little hearts on them? Those are my favorite!”
“Um, actually, I do,” Bud answered.