Finding You by Kelly Elliott
Alex reached out and took my hand. “Grace, please tell me what’s going on.”
“It’s Noah. He’s been using drugs to deal with his mother’s death. He’s been doing it right in front of me and I’ve put blinders on.”
Alex’s mouth dropped open. “Grace, are you sure?”
The sound of a horse walking up caused me to turn. My father and Noah were walking back toward the barn.
Swallowing hard, I stood up taller and nodded my head. “I’m positive. If y’all will excuse me, I need to find Gray and Meg.”
I wasn’t sure how this was all going to work or how Noah would handle it. But I knew I had four people I could count on to help me get Noah through this.
Sitting in the formal dining room, I sat next to Noah, who sat across from Brad, Meagan and Taylor’s father. Brad had gone through a rough patch earlier on in his marriage to Amanda. I knew he had been in rehab and had worked for many years with outreach programs. He also volunteered a lot at the rehab clinic he had been in.
“What do I need to do?” Noah asked.
Brad slowly took in a deep breath and just as slow, blew it out. “Noah, I don’t think you’ve become dangerously addicted to the pills. But you are very dependent on them. You have two options. Check into a rehab clinic or go cold turkey and suffer through the withdrawals. In the rehab clinic, they will slowly bring you down. That’s probably how you should go with the Ativan.”
I quickly glanced at my mother and father as I moved about in my seat, before turning back to Brad. “How bad will they be? The withdrawals?”
Shaking his head, Brad said, “I don’t know. It really depends on how long and how much Noah has been taking. I will tell you this though. The fact that Noah was the one to recognize the problem is the biggest hurdle. It’s the first step and most people need an intervention just to get started.”
I took Noah’s hand in mine. After I had set out to find Meagan and Grayson, Noah and my father had found Brad. My father had told Noah about Brad’s addictions and how he spent time fighting them.
Noah asked me, Grayson, and my parents to sit and talk to Brad with him. Meagan joined us at my request.
“The only thing in this life that matters to me is sitting right here next to me. I swore I would never do anything to hurt her or her future.” Noah turned and looked into my eyes. “You have beautiful dreams, Grace. Dreams I want to be a part of. I’ll do anything to be a part of them. I’ll do anything,” Noah whispered.
“You and me. Together forever,” I said as I placed my hand on the side of his face.
Noah gave me a breathtaking smile that slowly faded. “Um . . . I want to do this at home. I need to do it at home. It’s where my demons started, I need to win my battle against them there.”
Nodding my head, I looked past Noah at Grayson. Giving me a wink, I knew we would be able to help Noah. I still wasn’t sure how often and how much Noah had been taking the pills. A part of me didn’t want to know and that filled me with guilt.
Looking back into Noah’s eyes, I gave him a weak smile. “I’ll be by your side the entire time, Noah. We’ll fight this battle together.”
Sitting at the kitchen island, Meagan let out a sigh as she sat next to me.
Glancing up from my book, I asked, “What’s wrong?”
Making a face of frustration, Meagan rolled her eyes. “I need to get laid so bad.”
Making a gruff laugh, I looked back at my book. “What’s it been, Meg? A week?”
“Fuck you, Grace. You’re riding the dick. I haven’t in months. Years to be exact.”
Dropping my book, I narrowed my eye at her as I studied her face. “I’m riding the dick? Really? So classy, Meg.”
Shrugging her shoulders, she let out a breath. “I dare you to deny it. Have you not noticed me being a complete bitch the last two and a half years?”
“First off, I won’t deny it, but I went for a good while not riding it and I was perfectly fine. And no, I haven’t noticed you being a complete bitch because that’s just who you are.”
Shooting me a dirty look, Meagan got up and walked to the refrigerator. “Please, you were miserable without Noah.”
I couldn’t argue with her on that one. “Meg, did the bullying ever stop? I mean, is that why you never got involved with anyone from school?”
Meagan’s head was buried in the refrigerator as she looked around for something. She popped back out, and turned to face me as she held a bottle of orange juice. “For the longest time I let a small group of people dictate how I lived my life. It was miserable, Grace.” Leaning against the door of the refrigerator, Meagan gave me a weak smile.
My heart broke for Meagan. Closing my book, I slide it off to the side. “Did you ever talk to your dad about all of it? The intense pressure he put on you and what was happening at school?”
Lifting her eyebrows, Meagan pushed out a fast deep breath. “When I told them I was looking at moving to Durango my father about flipped out and said I couldn’t run from my problems, I needed to face them head on. He wasn’t too pleased when I mentioned he was part of the reason I was running. My mom, well, she understood. She’s always been the one who seemed to relate a bit more with me though.”
“Did you tell them about what happened in school?”
Sitting, Meagan’s eyes briefly filled with tears. “Yes. They were both devastated and I think a bit angry with themselves that I didn’t feel like I could talk to them about it. When I changed my degree plan though, my father really seemed to lighten up on the whole ‘You have to be greater than everyone’ bit. One thing’s for sure though,” Meagan said as she reached for an apple and took a bite. “They no longer compare me to Taylor.”
Laughing, I said, “Well, you had to go through a shit storm for that to happen.”
Meagan giggled and said, “But it’s over. I’m ready to move on with my life and help others.”
Tilting my head, I asked Meagan, “Whatever happened to the group of girls who used to spread all that shit about you?”
An evil smile spread across Meagan’s face. “You know, some crazy shit happened to each of them. The mastermind ended up having all her beautiful blonde locks fall out. Seems someone put something in her shampoo.”
Holding back my laughter, I shook my head and said, “You don’t say.”
Taking another bite of her apple, Meagan smiled bigger. “The other little bitch that fabricated the blowjob stories, someone spiked her toothpaste with black dye.”
Covering my mouth, I let out a laugh. “Holy hell. You didn’t?”
Letting out a laugh, Meagan nodded her head. “Oh, that was just the beginning. There was a reason we grew up with Will, Luke, and Colt and all the stupid ass pranks they pulled on us. I must say though, Luke driving in and being my accomplice was probably the nicest thing that bastard as ever done for me.”
My mouth dropped open as my eyes grew wider. “He didn’t? Did Libby know?”
“Yep. He did and yep, she supplied the dye,” Meagan said as she popped her p loudly.
Meagan and I busted out laughing as Grayson walked into the kitchen. I couldn’t help but notice how he stared at Meagan.
Turning to look at him, Meagan attempted not to be affected by the fact that Grayson was shirtless and just coming back from a run.
Meagan covered her eyes and looked away. “Jesus, dude put a T-shirt on. No one wants to look at your baby smooth skin. Ugh.”
Grayson leaned over and smiled at Meagan. “You’re just jealous my skin is smoother than yours.”
Meagan dropped her hands and looked at Grayson. “Puh-lease. Go practice your dance moves, you damn gigolo.”
Shaking my head, I reached back for my book and asked, “Seriously though, Gray, do you shave every day?”
Grayson grabbed a bottle of water and leaned against the counter. “Why look at this. Y’all are jealous of my silky smooth skin.”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “Please. You’ve had more skanks up on you th
Letting out a roar of laughter, Grayson sat next to Meagan as she moved away a little bit from him.
“I don’t have cooties, Meg,” Grayson said with a smile that surely would melt the panties off of any willing girl.
Raising my eyebrow, I asked, “You sure about that, Gray? When was the last time you got your little boy parts checked?”
Grayson’s eyes widened as his mouth fell open. “Little? Did you really just call my sergeant little?”
Meagan choked on her orange juice as I jumped up and hit her back as I died laughing.
As Meagan tried to control her cough, I looked at Grayson and shook my head. “Did you really name your dick, Gray?”
Pulling his head back like he was in shock I’d even questioned him, he nodded his head. “Fuck yeah, I did. Noah has a name for his too.”
Standing up, I said, “What? How do you know?”
Shrugging, Grayson smiled as the bottle of water hit the edge of his lips. “He told me.”
“What, do guys just sit around and talk about naming their dicks? Does this make you feel powerful?” I asked as I looked back at Meagan who was still trying to recover from the name of Grayson’s dick.
“No different than women sitting around talking.”
Pinching my eyebrows together, I said, “We don’t name our vajayjay’s, Gray.”
“If I named mine, it would be Wonder Woman,” Meagan said as Grayson and I both looked at her with stunned expressions.
Swallowing hard, Grayson asked, “Why?”
Meagan stood up and said, “Because she wonders why she can’t find a dick who knows what in the hell it’s doing.”
Grayson stood up and took a few steps closer to Meagan, causing her to take a step back and hit the counter.
“Seems like she hasn’t met the right dick for the job.”
Smiling, I waited with bated breath for Meagan’s reply. “Oh trust me, stripper boy. She’s met plenty of dicks. Lots of dicks, to be exact. For now she’s sticking with cucumbers.”
Grayson stared at Meagan with a look of disbelief as I let out a chuckle. “I’m going to check on Noah. You two behave.”
Grayson took in a deep breath through his nose as he leaned closer to Meagan. “Headed to the shower. Would you like the sergeant to show Wonder Woman how it’s done?”
Meagan let out a nervous laugh, “Please. That dick will never see my Wonder Woman. Ever.”
Grayson leaned in and whispered against Meagan’s ear as he pushed away and walked past me.
I couldn’t help but notice Meagan’s chest heaving up and down. Before I turned away, I gave Meagan a wink. “You just woke up a sleeping beast.”
Licking her lips and running her hand across the side of her neck, Meagan barely said, “I know.”
Grace
Walking into Noah’s room, I stopped and stared at him. He was sitting on the window seat staring straight out the window. I knew this was going to be a tough road. I’d read up on the withdrawals that Noah would most likely go through. Panic attacks, body tremors, hallucinations, confusion, throwing up, mood swings . . . the list went on. Since Noah had been taking three different pills. Each one had their own set of withdrawal demons.
Putting on a smile the best I could, I cleared my throat and said, “Hey. How’s it going?”
Noah didn’t look at me as he focused on something outside.
“Sounds like you’re having fun with Gray.”
Making my way over toward him, I let out a small laugh. “Nah, Meg was just giving him a hard time.”
Turning to me, Noah glared at me as sweat poured down his face. Sucking in a breath, I quickly made my way over to him.
“Oh my God. Noah, are you running a fever?” Going to touch his forehead, he jerked away.
“Don’t touch me. Matter of fact, just get out of here. I don’t need you, Grace.”
My stomach dropped, I stood firm as I thought back to what Brad had told us before we started this. Noah was going to change. Do and say things he didn’t mean.
Sitting next to him, I pulled my knees up to my chest as I watched him turn and look back out the window.
“I’m not leaving, Noah. You can be pissed and angry as much as you want. I’m not leaving.”
Closing his eyes, Noah barely spoke above a whisper. “Please, let me just take one Ativan, Grace. I’m so tired.”
It felt as if a vice was wrapped around my chest and was slowly squeezing down on me.
Resting my chin on my knee, I watched for his reaction, as I said, “No. It’s not time to take one.” The doctor had advised for Noah not to go cold turkey on the Ativan but to come down from it slowly. We were tapering his dose back over the next two weeks.
Noah slammed his head against the wall and yelled out, “Fuck!” Jumping a little, I didn’t move.
Noah rolled his head back and forth against the wall. “Just give me one fucking pill, Grace. Jesus, I just want to sleep.”
“I love you, Noah. But there are no pills in this house.”
Noah snapped his head forward and glared at me. “What?”
Dropping my knees, I turned my body to face him. “Noah, think about what you’re asking me. Gray has the Ativan somewhere else and will bring the pill when it’s time to take it.”
Leaning forward, Noah grabbed my hands as tears filled his eyes. “Baby, please. Just this once. Please, Grace.”
Noah’s body trembled as he pleaded with me.
I was lost in his eyes.
Lost in his tears.
My goal was to pull him out of the darkness—even if it dragged me in as well.
Slowly shaking my head, I said, “No.”
Dropping my hands, Noah stood up and pointed to me. “Fuck you, Grace! You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”
Feeling the anger build, I stood up and pushed his hand away. “Really? Because I’m standing here looking at the man I love falling apart right before my eyes. The man I want to spend the rest of my life building a future with is standing here telling me to fuck off. Well you know what? Fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and those fucking pills you depended on. You have me now, and if I’m not good enough for you to lean on, then we have a serious problem. But for right now, my focus is on you getting through this. So you can call me every name in the book and tell me to leave but I’m not going anywhere, you stupid asshole! Do you hear me, Noah? I’m not going anywhere. If finding you means losing a part of me—then I’ll do it.”
Noah stood before me wearing a downcast expression. “I feel sick,” he murmured. Turning quickly, Noah rushed into his bathroom and began throwing up.
Dropping my head back, I looked up. “Why puke, God? I can handle anything but puke.”
Meagan came rushing into the bedroom. “I heard yelling. Is everything okay?”
Noah started throwing up again as Meagan rushed into the bathroom and called out, “It’s puke, Grace! I’ve got this one.”
Clearly Meagan remembered I couldn’t handle someone throwing up. Letting out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding in, I sat back down on the window seat and placed my face in my hands as I sobbed.
That was the first confrontation with Noah. How much worse would it get? What if he ended up hating me because of this? Dropping my hands, I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. Pulling up his number, I typed out my message.
Me: He told me to leave.
Daddy: He didn’t mean it.
Me: He was so angry, Daddy.
Daddy: Are Grayson and Meagan there?
Me: Yes. Noah’s throwing up right now. Meg is helping him.
Daddy: Do you want me there?
Swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and prayed silently for my answer. Opening my eyes, I typed out my reply.
Me: No. I just got him back, Daddy. I won’t lose him again. I just had a moment of weakness.
Daddy: That’s what causes us to be st
Pressing my lips together, I nodded my head and stood up. Typing one last reply, I knew what I had to do.
Me: I know. I love you. Will call later. Bye Daddy.
Pushing my phone into my back pocket, I made my way to the bathroom. Noah was sitting on the floor shivering. Meagan looked up at me and frowned. “He has a fever. He’s also starting to hallucinate. It has to be the Ativan.”
Nodding my head, I said, “I’ll get some cold washcloths. We can put them on his wrists. I think if we try to give him something for the fever he’ll just throw it up.”
“Mom? Mom, you’re back? Mom, I need you to help me,” Noah called out.
Feeling the air leave my lungs, I took a step back to steady myself. I wasn’t expecting that. My eyes landed back on Meagan’s as she gave me a sympathetic smile.
“Gray can put him in bed. Let me go get him.” Spinning around on my heels, I practically ran to Grayson’s room. Each of the bedrooms had their own bathrooms. I was praying he was out of the shower and dressed now.
Knocking on the door, Grayson opened it and looked at me. His eyes widened and he glanced down the hall. “Noah?”
“It’s started. He’s moody, yelling, hallucinating and throwing up. I need to get him into bed. He’s running a fever.”
Nodding his head, Grayson reached for a T-shirt and slipped it over his head as we made our way back to Noah.
Walking into the room, Meagan was slowly trying to walk Noah to his bed. Grayson walked up and took over as he led Noah to the bed.
“Get the fuck off of me, you fucking asshole. You’re sleeping with her, aren’t you?” Noah yelled out as Grayson ignored him.
“You’re a dick, do you know that? You could have anyone you want, but you take my girlfriend. Get the hell out of my house!” Noah screamed.
Grayson pushed Noah as he fell back onto the bed. Leaning over Noah, Grayson said, “Say that one more time, Noah, and I’m going to grab your balls and twist them until you scream for mercy.”
Meagan and I both looked at each other and then back at Noah and Grayson.