Constance Sherwood: An Autobiography of the Sixteenth Century by Georgiana Fullerton
up the stream, and I stood gazing on it, methought thewhole scene had been a dream.
Lady Sydney and Polly moved Sir Francis to repeat the assurance hermajesty had given me touching the commutation of my father'simprisonment into an order of banishment. He satisfied me thereon, anddid promise to procure for me permission to see him once morebefore his departure; which interview did take place on the next day;and when I observed the increased paleness of his face and feeblenessof his gait, the pain of bidding that dear parent farewell equallednot the joy I felt in the hope that liberty and the care of those goodfriends to whose society he would now return, should prolong and cheerthe remaining days of his life. Methinks there was some sadness in himthat the issue he had so resolutely prepared for, and confidentlylooked to, should be changed to one so different, and that only bymeans of death would he have desired to leave the English mission; buthe meekly bowed his will to that of God, and said in an humble mannerhe was not worthy of so exalted an end as he had hoped for, and herefused not to live if so be he might yet serve God in obscure andunnoticed ways.
When I returned home after this comfortable, albeit very sad, parting,I was too weary in body and in mind for to do aught but lie down for awhile on a settle, and revolve in my mind the changes which had takenplace around me. Hubert came for a brief time that evening; andmethinks he had heard from Polly the haps at Seething Lane. He strovefor to move me to speak of the queen, and to tell him the very wordsshe had uttered. The eager sparkling of his eyes, the ill-repressedsmilingness of his countenance, the manner of his questioning, workedin me a secret anger, which caused the thanks I gave him for hissuccessful dealings in my father's behalf to come more coldly frommine heart than they should otherwise have done, albeit I strove toframe them in such kind terms as were befitting the great service hehad rendered us. But to disguise my thoughts my tongue at lastrefused, and I burst forth:
"But, for all that I do thank you, Hubert, yea, and am for everindebted to you, which you will never have reason, from my conduct andexceedingly kind sisterly love, to doubt: bear with me, I pray you,when I say (albeit you may think me a very foolish creature) that Iwish you not joy, but rather for your sake do lament, the new favoryou do stand in with the queen. O Hubert, bethink you, ere you setyour foot on the first step of that slippery ladder, court favor, thatno man can serve two masters."
"Marry," he answered in a light manner, "by that same token or text,papists can then not serve the queen and also the Pope!"
There be nothing which so chilleth or else cutteth the heart as ajesting retort to a fervent speech.
I hid my face on my arm to hide some tears.
"Constance," he softly said, seeing me moved, "do you weep for me?"
"Yea," I murmured; "God knoweth what these new friendships and thisdangerous favor shall work in you contrary to conscience, truth, andvirtue. Oh! heaven shield Basil's brother should be a favorite of thequeen!"
"Talk not of Basil," he fiercely cried, "I warrant you the day may beat hand when his fate shall hang on my favor with those who can makeand mar a man, or ruin and mend his fortunes, as they will, by onestroke of a pen!"
"Yea," I replied; "I doubt not his fortune is at their mercy. Hissoul, God be praised, their arts cannot reach."
"Constance," he then said, fixedly gazing on me, "if you only love me,there is no ambition too noble, no heights of virtue too exalted, nosacrifices too entire, but I will aim at, aspire to, resolve on, atyour bidding."
"Love _you_!" I said, raising mine eyes to his, somewhat scornfully Ifear, albeit not meaning it, if I judge by his sudden passion.
"God defend," he cried, "I do not arrive at hating you with as greatfervency as I have, yea, as even yet I do love you! O Constance, if Ishould one day be what I do yet abhor to think of, the guiltthereof shall lie with you if there be justice on Earth or in heaven!"
I shook my head, and laying my hand on his, sadly answered:
"I choose not to bandy words with you, Hubert, or charge you withwhat, if I spoke the truth, would be too keen and resentful reproachesfor your unbrotherly manner of dealing with Basil and me; for it wouldill become the close of this day, on which I do owe you, under God, mydear father's life, to upbraid where I would fain only from my heartyield thanks. I pray you, let us part in peace. My strength iswell-nigh spent and my head acheth sorely."
He knelt down by my side, and whispered, "One word more before I go.You do hold in your keeping Basil's fate and mine. I will not forsakethe hope that alone keepeth me from desperation. Hush! say not theword which would change me from a friend to a foe, from a Catholic toan apostate, from a man to a fiend. I have gone well-nigh into thegate of hell; a slender thread yet holds me back; snap it not intwain."
I spoke not, for verily my tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, and afainting sensation of a sudden came over me. I felt his lips pressedon my hand, and then he left me; and that night I felt very ill, andfor nigh unto a fortnight could by no means leave my bed.
One morning, being somewhat easier, I sat up in a high-backed chair,in what had once been our school-room; and when Muriel, who had been amost diligent nurse to me in that sickness, came to visit me, Ipressed her for to tell me truly if she had heard aught of Basil or ofMistress Ward; for every day when I had questioned her thereon she haddenied all knowledge of their haps, which now began to work in me asuspicion she did conceal from me some misfortune, which doubt, I toldher, was more grievous to me than to be informed what had befallenthem; and so constrained her to admit that, albeit of Basil she had intruth no tidings, which she judged to be favorable to our hopes, ofMistress Ward she had heard, in the first instance, a report, eight orten days before, that she had been hung up by the hands and cruellyscourged; which torments she was said by the jailors, which Mr. Lacyhad spoken with, to have borne with exceeding great courage, sayingthey were the preludes of martyrdom, with which, by the grace of God,she hoped she should be honored. Then Mr. Roper and Mr. Wells, who wasnow returned to London, had brought tidings the evening before that onthe preceding day she had been brought to the bar, where, being askedby the judges if she was guilty of that treachery to the queen and tothe laws of the realm of furnishing the means by which a traitor of apriest had escaped from justice, she answered with a cheerfulcountenance in the affirmative; and that she never in her life haddone anything of which she less repented than of the delivering thatinnocent lamb from the wolves which should have devoured him.
"Oh, Muriel," I cried, "cannot you see her dear resolved face and thelighting up of her eyes, and the quick fashion of her speech, when shesaid this?"
"I do picture her to myself," Muriel answered in a low voice, "at allhours of the day, and marvel at mine own quietness therein. But Idoubt not her prayers do win for me the grace of resignation. Theysought to oblige her to confess where Mr. Watson was, but in vain; andtherefore they proceeded to pronounce sentence upon her. But withaltelling her that the queen was merciful, and that if she would askpardon of her majesty, and would promise to go to church, she shouldbe set at liberty; otherwise that she must look for nothing butcertain death."
I drew a deep breath then, and said, "The issue is, then, notdoubtful."
"She answered," Muriel said, "that as to the queen, she hadnever offended her majesty; that as to what she had done in favoringMr. Watson's escape, she believed the queen herself, if she had thebowels of a woman, would have done as mach if she had known theill-treatment he underwent; and as to going to church, she had formany years been convinced that it was not lawful for her so to do, andthat she found no reason now for to change her mind, and would not actagainst her conscience; and therefore they might proceed to theexecution of the sentence pronounced against her; for that death forsuch a cause would be very welcome, and that she was willing to laydown not one life only, but many, if she had them, rather than actagainst her religion."
"And she is then condemned to death without any hope?" I said.
Muriel remained silent.
"Oh, Muriel!" I cried;
"it is not done? it is not over?"
She wiped one tear that trickled down her cheek, and said, "Yesterdayshe suffered at Tyburn with a wonderful constancy and alacrity."
I hid my face in my hands; for the sight of the familiar room, of thechair in which she was sitting what time she took leave of us, of alittle picture pinned to the wall, which she had gifted me with, movedme too much. But when I closed mine eyes, there arose remembrances ofmy journeying with her; of my foolish speeches touching robbers; ofher motherly reproofs of my so great confidence, and comfort in herguidance; and I was fain to seek comfort from her who should haveneeded it rather than me, but who indeed had it straight from heaven,and thereby could impart some share of it to others.
"Muriel," I said,
Lady Sydney and Polly moved Sir Francis to repeat the assurance hermajesty had given me touching the commutation of my father'simprisonment into an order of banishment. He satisfied me thereon, anddid promise to procure for me permission to see him once morebefore his departure; which interview did take place on the next day;and when I observed the increased paleness of his face and feeblenessof his gait, the pain of bidding that dear parent farewell equallednot the joy I felt in the hope that liberty and the care of those goodfriends to whose society he would now return, should prolong and cheerthe remaining days of his life. Methinks there was some sadness in himthat the issue he had so resolutely prepared for, and confidentlylooked to, should be changed to one so different, and that only bymeans of death would he have desired to leave the English mission; buthe meekly bowed his will to that of God, and said in an humble mannerhe was not worthy of so exalted an end as he had hoped for, and herefused not to live if so be he might yet serve God in obscure andunnoticed ways.
When I returned home after this comfortable, albeit very sad, parting,I was too weary in body and in mind for to do aught but lie down for awhile on a settle, and revolve in my mind the changes which had takenplace around me. Hubert came for a brief time that evening; andmethinks he had heard from Polly the haps at Seething Lane. He strovefor to move me to speak of the queen, and to tell him the very wordsshe had uttered. The eager sparkling of his eyes, the ill-repressedsmilingness of his countenance, the manner of his questioning, workedin me a secret anger, which caused the thanks I gave him for hissuccessful dealings in my father's behalf to come more coldly frommine heart than they should otherwise have done, albeit I strove toframe them in such kind terms as were befitting the great service hehad rendered us. But to disguise my thoughts my tongue at lastrefused, and I burst forth:
"But, for all that I do thank you, Hubert, yea, and am for everindebted to you, which you will never have reason, from my conduct andexceedingly kind sisterly love, to doubt: bear with me, I pray you,when I say (albeit you may think me a very foolish creature) that Iwish you not joy, but rather for your sake do lament, the new favoryou do stand in with the queen. O Hubert, bethink you, ere you setyour foot on the first step of that slippery ladder, court favor, thatno man can serve two masters."
"Marry," he answered in a light manner, "by that same token or text,papists can then not serve the queen and also the Pope!"
There be nothing which so chilleth or else cutteth the heart as ajesting retort to a fervent speech.
I hid my face on my arm to hide some tears.
"Constance," he softly said, seeing me moved, "do you weep for me?"
"Yea," I murmured; "God knoweth what these new friendships and thisdangerous favor shall work in you contrary to conscience, truth, andvirtue. Oh! heaven shield Basil's brother should be a favorite of thequeen!"
"Talk not of Basil," he fiercely cried, "I warrant you the day may beat hand when his fate shall hang on my favor with those who can makeand mar a man, or ruin and mend his fortunes, as they will, by onestroke of a pen!"
"Yea," I replied; "I doubt not his fortune is at their mercy. Hissoul, God be praised, their arts cannot reach."
"Constance," he then said, fixedly gazing on me, "if you only love me,there is no ambition too noble, no heights of virtue too exalted, nosacrifices too entire, but I will aim at, aspire to, resolve on, atyour bidding."
"Love _you_!" I said, raising mine eyes to his, somewhat scornfully Ifear, albeit not meaning it, if I judge by his sudden passion.
"God defend," he cried, "I do not arrive at hating you with as greatfervency as I have, yea, as even yet I do love you! O Constance, if Ishould one day be what I do yet abhor to think of, the guiltthereof shall lie with you if there be justice on Earth or in heaven!"
I shook my head, and laying my hand on his, sadly answered:
"I choose not to bandy words with you, Hubert, or charge you withwhat, if I spoke the truth, would be too keen and resentful reproachesfor your unbrotherly manner of dealing with Basil and me; for it wouldill become the close of this day, on which I do owe you, under God, mydear father's life, to upbraid where I would fain only from my heartyield thanks. I pray you, let us part in peace. My strength iswell-nigh spent and my head acheth sorely."
He knelt down by my side, and whispered, "One word more before I go.You do hold in your keeping Basil's fate and mine. I will not forsakethe hope that alone keepeth me from desperation. Hush! say not theword which would change me from a friend to a foe, from a Catholic toan apostate, from a man to a fiend. I have gone well-nigh into thegate of hell; a slender thread yet holds me back; snap it not intwain."
I spoke not, for verily my tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, and afainting sensation of a sudden came over me. I felt his lips pressedon my hand, and then he left me; and that night I felt very ill, andfor nigh unto a fortnight could by no means leave my bed.
One morning, being somewhat easier, I sat up in a high-backed chair,in what had once been our school-room; and when Muriel, who had been amost diligent nurse to me in that sickness, came to visit me, Ipressed her for to tell me truly if she had heard aught of Basil or ofMistress Ward; for every day when I had questioned her thereon she haddenied all knowledge of their haps, which now began to work in me asuspicion she did conceal from me some misfortune, which doubt, I toldher, was more grievous to me than to be informed what had befallenthem; and so constrained her to admit that, albeit of Basil she had intruth no tidings, which she judged to be favorable to our hopes, ofMistress Ward she had heard, in the first instance, a report, eight orten days before, that she had been hung up by the hands and cruellyscourged; which torments she was said by the jailors, which Mr. Lacyhad spoken with, to have borne with exceeding great courage, sayingthey were the preludes of martyrdom, with which, by the grace of God,she hoped she should be honored. Then Mr. Roper and Mr. Wells, who wasnow returned to London, had brought tidings the evening before that onthe preceding day she had been brought to the bar, where, being askedby the judges if she was guilty of that treachery to the queen and tothe laws of the realm of furnishing the means by which a traitor of apriest had escaped from justice, she answered with a cheerfulcountenance in the affirmative; and that she never in her life haddone anything of which she less repented than of the delivering thatinnocent lamb from the wolves which should have devoured him.
"Oh, Muriel," I cried, "cannot you see her dear resolved face and thelighting up of her eyes, and the quick fashion of her speech, when shesaid this?"
"I do picture her to myself," Muriel answered in a low voice, "at allhours of the day, and marvel at mine own quietness therein. But Idoubt not her prayers do win for me the grace of resignation. Theysought to oblige her to confess where Mr. Watson was, but in vain; andtherefore they proceeded to pronounce sentence upon her. But withaltelling her that the queen was merciful, and that if she would askpardon of her majesty, and would promise to go to church, she shouldbe set at liberty; otherwise that she must look for nothing butcertain death."
I drew a deep breath then, and said, "The issue is, then, notdoubtful."
"She answered," Muriel said, "that as to the queen, she hadnever offended her majesty; that as to what she had done in favoringMr. Watson's escape, she believed the queen herself, if she had thebowels of a woman, would have done as mach if she had known theill-treatment he underwent; and as to going to church, she had formany years been convinced that it was not lawful for her so to do, andthat she found no reason now for to change her mind, and would not actagainst her conscience; and therefore they might proceed to theexecution of the sentence pronounced against her; for that death forsuch a cause would be very welcome, and that she was willing to laydown not one life only, but many, if she had them, rather than actagainst her religion."
"And she is then condemned to death without any hope?" I said.
Muriel remained silent.
"Oh, Muriel!" I cried;
She wiped one tear that trickled down her cheek, and said, "Yesterdayshe suffered at Tyburn with a wonderful constancy and alacrity."
I hid my face in my hands; for the sight of the familiar room, of thechair in which she was sitting what time she took leave of us, of alittle picture pinned to the wall, which she had gifted me with, movedme too much. But when I closed mine eyes, there arose remembrances ofmy journeying with her; of my foolish speeches touching robbers; ofher motherly reproofs of my so great confidence, and comfort in herguidance; and I was fain to seek comfort from her who should haveneeded it rather than me, but who indeed had it straight from heaven,and thereby could impart some share of it to others.
"Muriel," I said,