Desolation by Bella Jewel
“Stop scrubbing,” he whispers. “Please.”
“It won’t leave, Rainer,” I croak. “It won’t leave. Why won’t it leave?”
I start scrubbing again and he gently removes the culprit from my hand and tosses it. I crumble. I fall into a thousand tiny pieces. I’m not as strong as him. I’ll never be as strong as him. What happened out there today? It broke me. Defeat is all that’s left in my tired body. I no longer want to fight. I no longer want to feel. I simply want to die.
“Jesus,” Rainer says again, and then I’m in his lap, his arms wrapped tightly around my body.
He’s so strong, so secure, that I never want him to let me go. He rocks me there, just like that, for hours. Other slaves come in and out, rations are thrown in, but he doesn’t let me go. He lets me pour my soul into his, he lets me break—he just holds me until the pieces are surrounding him and there’s nothing left.
I know from that day forward that Rainer is the only man who is ever going to understand me.
CHAPTER FIVE
NOW – Pippa
My knees are tucked to my chin, and I’m sitting on Santana and Maddox’s couch, watching them fuss over me. Maddox didn’t tell Santana all the details of what happened tonight, and I’m grateful for that. Though I have no doubt she has figured it out, considering Maddox has bruised knuckles. They all do. Whatever they did to Liam and Michael, it hurt.
Tyke is standing in the corner of the room, fuming. He won’t come near me; he won’t talk to me. His lip is bleeding and his knuckles are split, but he won’t allow himself to make eye contact. He’s angry with me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t understand where it all went so bad. All I know is that I’m not made for this world—perhaps I never really was.
I’m never going to fit in.
“Tyke!”
I blink as Andi comes rushing into the house and throws herself into Tyke’s arms. His arms go around her, to catch her or just to hold her, I don’t know. She smashes her lips against his and I turn away, pain ripping my heart in two. A soft hand covers mine and I see Santana sit down beside me, her eyes broken for me.
“Why don’t you get some sleep? Maybe a shower?”
I look back to Tyke, and he’s tucking a strand of hair behind Andi’s ear. Who knew something so simple could hurt so much? Tears burn under my eyelids, and something unfamiliar swirls in my belly. I feel frustrated, and my chest is tight. I don’t understand it, and I don’t pretend to want to. All I know is the urge to yell at Tyke and demand to know why he won’t talk to me is overwhelming.
I push to my feet, and I’m moving towards him before I can stop myself. Santana calls my name, but I need to do this. I need to know. When I reach him and Andi, I whisper, “Tyke?”
He turns and stares down at me¸ a mixture of shock and pain in his beautiful features.
“Can we talk?”
His eyes flick to Andi, who is glaring at me. He leans in and says something to her, and then he turns to me. “Yeah.”
I walk outside and he follows me. When the front door closes behind him, I turn.
“You’re angry at me.”
He looks away, jaw tight.
“Tyke . . .”
He says nothing.
“If you’re angry, at least tell me,” I whisper-yell.
He flinches and turns to me. “Yeah, Pippa, I am angry at you. I’m angry because I couldn’t find you. I’m angry because you hung up on me and turned your phone off, and I was fucking beside myself with concern.”
Oh.
I didn’t realize.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” He laughs. “You’re sorry?”
“Yes, Tyke,” I say, my voice a little stronger, but still horribly weak. “I’m sorry.”
“Why did you hang up on me?”
I look away.
“Answer me!” he barks and I flinch.
“I felt uncomfortable.”
“I knew it,” he mutters. “So you turn it off and don’t answer me? Fuck, Pippa, I was so fucking worried when an entire day went past and you didn’t contact me.”
“I’m not a child,” I say carefully.
His eyes flare, and his mouth forms a straight line.
“No?” he whispers finally. “Then why did you act like one, instead of contacting me?”
I narrow my eyes, confused. “I don’t . . . I didn’t realize you wanted me to. I don’t understand why you’re so angry at me not returning a call.”
“Because he put his fucking hands on you,” he roars so loudly I stumble backwards.
My mouth drops open and tears spring to life in my eyes and pour down my cheeks.
“Because I didn’t know where you were, and that motherfucker put his hands on you. God dammit!”
He spins around and drives a fist into the pole behind him. I gasp and press a hand to my throat, struggling for breath.
Then I turn and run inside.
“Pippa!” he calls out.
But he can’t catch me.
I run past Santana and Maddox, and into the guest bedroom. I lock the door and throw myself down onto the bed, pressing my hands over my ears as the yelling travels up to me.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Tyke?” Maddox barks. “She’s fucked up and you go ahead and make it worse.”
Fucked up. Fucked up.
“I didn’t . . . give me the key to her room. Let me tell her I didn’t fuckin’ mean it.”
“Like hell,” Santana yells. “Do you even see her, Tyke? She’s broken, she’s damaged, and you scream at her for it.”
Broken.
Damaged.
I press a pillow over my head and an agonized sob rips from my throat.
Fucking freak.
~*~*~*~
NOW – Pippa
Sleep doesn’t come, even when the house goes quiet, even when the lights are flicked out. It doesn’t come, no matter how hard I will it to. I want peace, I want freedom, but not even sleep offers me such comforts anymore. I lie on my bed, my face coated with dried tears, my head pounding from the emotion I’ve expressed in the past day.
The door rattles and I turn my face towards it. A minute later, it opens and Tyke steps in. He’s limping badly, but he makes his way to my bed quietly. I can see him in the moonlight, and the flash over his face shows me just how upset he is. When he reaches the end of the bed, he kicks off his boots with a groan of pain, then he undoes his shirt, revealing a massive chest.
I’ve seen Tyke shirtless, and I’ve always loved the intricate tattoos marking his beautiful skin. His muscles are perfect—not too big, not too small, just the perfect blend of sculpted male. He pulls the sheets back and I shift, letting him know I’m awake. He slides in beside me, and his big arms pull me in close. The moment his hot skin touches mine, I close my eyes.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he rasps in the darkness. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I swallow and turn so we’re facing. I reach over and touch his face. “I know.”
“I didn’t mean to yell at you. I was scared, little one. So fucking scared when I got that call.”
I keep my hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
He pulls me close, until our foreheads are touching.
“I don’t say it, Pip, because I don’t know how, but I need you to know something.”
I don’t say anything, but my heart starts pounding.
“I need you to know that you’re the only person in this world I’ve ever wanted to understand. I need you to know that you’re the only person in this world who has ever gotten me. But mostly, I need you to know that you’re one of the most important things in the world to me. I fucking adore you, I don’t ever want to lose you. There’s a big piece of my heart that belongs to you, little one.”
I open my mouth, but only a strangled sound comes out. Tyke pulls me closer, tucking me so tightly against him
“I feel the same,” I whisper.
“Then you’ll forgive me for being a fuckin’ dick?”
I smile against his chest. “I will. I always will.”
“That’s my girl. Now sleep.”
“Tyke?”
“Hmmm?”
“Will you stay with me?”
He tangles his fingers into my hair. “Always, little one.”
That night, I sleep more deeply than I have since I was a little girl.
CHAPTER SIX
THEN – Pippa
“Pippa, just keep your head down and keep working,” Rainer urges, putting his hands to my back and pushing me deeper into the crops.
My heart is pounding.
This is because Artreau is on a rampage. He’s angry, and he’s taking it out on us. I don’t know why he’s angry; he mostly leaves us alone, but today he is making us suffer. He’s storming through the crops, hitting, kicking, punching and shoving. Rainer is trying to keep me out of his way, but it’s proving to be harder and harder.
“If he asks you a question, answer him politely and keep going. Don’t argue.”
I swallow and nod, pushing my hands into the crops and doing what I have to do to look as if I’m doing the best job I can.
“If he sees we’re bonding, he’s going to tear us apart. Whatever I say or act like, know I don’t mean it.”
I look to him, and his black eyes study my face. I nod, and he gives me a jerk of his head to let me know he gets me. Then we both quietly go back to work.
Artreau appears about ten minutes later, his suit covered in dirt. His fists are bloody as he stalks towards us. His eyes flash to me, and he growls, “Come here.”
I turn to him, and Rainer is forced to walk behind me. When I stop in front of him, my heart is pounding.
“Did you enjoy your clean up the other day?”
How the hell do I answer that politely?
“No, sir.”
His face cracks into a big smile and he steps forward, curling his fingers into my hair. “No, sir? You always were the fanciest girl I ever took in. You think you’re too good for the rest of us.”
“No,” I say softly.
“No. You’re not. You’re as pathetic as the rest of these”—he flicks his hands around—“trashy fucks. I should just kill you all, but then I would have to pay someone. However, I do enjoy killing just for the sake of it. Would you like to clean up again, Pippa dear?”
I shake my head quickly.
He laughs. “And your partner here, did he enjoy it?”
Rainer sneers at him. “Didn’t fucking bother me.”
My heart pounds as Artreau steps around me to glare at him.
“No? You a tough one, are you?”
Rainer shrugs.
“We’ll see how tough. I’m in the mood for some entertainment. Hit her.”
My eyes go wide and Rainer’s gaze hardens. “No. She’s pathetic. I’m not going to hit someone pathetic. If I’m going to raise a fist, it’ll be to you, sir.”
Rainer. Please stop.
Artreau laughs. “But that wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining for me. So, you either hit her, or”—He strokes the gun in his jacket—“you’ll have another mess to clean up.”
I want to vomit. Fear is climbing into my chest like an angry snake.
Rainer looks to me, and he knows he has no choice.
“Three seconds, boy, or I’ll make you drag around her headless body until she rots off.”
Rainer straightens and looks me in the eye, and then he raises his fist and punches me. I stumble backwards with a cry, falling to the floor. I cry out in pain and the sound of Artreau’s laugh fills the space. A sharp pain shoots from my eye to my temple and I have to bite down hard on my lip to smother the sobs. My vision blacks in and out, and my eye feels as though it’s three times too big for my head.
“Well, I guess you’re right. She really is pathetic.”
Then, happy with himself, he walks off to torture someone else. The moment he’s gone, Rainer drops to his knees, cupping my face in his hands. “I’m so sorry, God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I croak, even though my head is pounding and blood is running down my cheek. “I didn’t want to die; you did me a favor.”
His face, God, his poor broken face. His eyes study mine, and they’re completely devastated. I reach up, curling my fingers around his wrists, because he’s still holding my face. I bring our foreheads together and whisper, “It’s okay, Rainer.”
“One day, Pippa, I’m going to get us out of here and make this up to you. I swear it.”
I hope he’s right. No, I pray he’s right.
Everyone has a breaking point, and I think I’m at mine.
~*~*~*~
NOW – Pippa
I wake in the morning wrapped in hard arms. My eyes flitter open and I turn my face to see Tyke, sound asleep with his arm around me. One arm is underneath me, and the other is up behind his head. His mouth is slightly opened and his breathing is soft and deep. I reach over hesitantly, and gently swipe away a soft piece of hair falling over his face.
He stirs and I drop my hand.
Looking at him like this, seeing him dreaming so peacefully, makes me realize just how much I care about Tyke. I’ve only cared for one other man in my life, and that was Rainer. My mind travels to him, and I wonder where he is now. He spent a long time with me, but he disappeared before I was saved. I don’t even know if he’s still alive. Shivering at the memory of that awful night, I push back to Tyke.
He stirs, and then his eyes flicker open. He looks even more amazing sleepy. He gives me a drowsy half-smile and then reaches out, cupping the back of my head. “Mornin’ darlin’.”
“Hi.” I smile.
“How’re you doing?”
I shrug. “Okay. You?”
He shifts, and I see pain flash over his face. He’s hurting. I reach for him and my eyes grow concerned. “Are you in pain?”
He nods. “Yeah. I tried to run last night . . . it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made.”
“You tried to run?” I gasp.
“Liam was making a run for it. I had no choice.”
My eyes mist over and I whisper, “You ran for me?”
He cups my cheek. “I’d do anything for you.”
“What can I do for you? Is there anything that helps the pain?”
He nods. “Pain killers, a hot bath and a seriously good rub. Most of my issues are with poor muscle condition. When I had my accident, I broke a fucking lot of bones. I damaged important nerves and ligaments. I was in a wheelchair for a long time while that healed, and because I was stubborn and refused to get the proper care, my muscles deteriorated, and because I didn’t strengthen them the way I should have, they remain weak.”
“How come you didn’t want to help yourself?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Pride, fury, shame—I honestly don’t know. I was in a bad place when the accident happened and I didn’t take it well. I spent time in a chair, and they said there was a chance I’d never walk properly again. Instead of fighting, I accepted that and stopped trying.”
“And now?”
He looks me in the eyes. “Believe it or not, you changed my mind.”
“Me?” I gasp.
He nods. “When I met you, when we saved you, I was useless. I could do nothing more than drive. When I first saw you and the life you had been given, it snapped something in my brain. I was being selfish. I had a chance to fix myself and I wasn’t taking it.”
I give him a shaky smile. “I’m glad you’re changing; you deserve it.”
“I want to ride again,” he says wistfully. “I need to get on my bike and feel like a part of my club again.”
“Yeah,” he mutters. “But I can’t go on the big missions. Maddox doesn’t say it, but I’m a risk for him. He constantly has to watch out for me. I need the club, and it’s time for me to get back into it.”
“I notice you’re not spending as much time in your chair. Is it getting better?”
He nods his head. “I think so, but it’s fuckin’ killing me. My doc tells me the more I walk, the easier it’ll get. I have to strengthen my muscles.”
“Swimming? Would that help?”
He grins. “Yeah, baby, except I hate swimming.”
I frown. “Why? Swimming is amazing.”
“Maybe . . . it just . . . bores me.”
“Well,” I say, sliding out of the bed, “if you want company, I’ll come swimming with you.”
He says nothing, and when I look back at him, he’s smiling. I grin at him and then pull on a robe. His phone rings and he rolls, lifting it off the bedside table. I get busy picking up his boots, his cut and his jeans, placing them on the bed for him. He answers and I pretend I’m not listening.
“Hey babe,” he says.
Babe.
He calls her babe, but he calls me baby. Does that mean anything? I don’t know. I hope so.
“Yeah, I’m just spending time with Pip today.”
My heart swells. He’s spending the day with me.
“She needs me, Andi. Don’t give me shit about this.”
I throw a quick glance at him and see his jaw is tight.
“No,” he grunts. “And if you’re going to act like this, maybe I’ll reconsider.”
He sighs.
“Yeah, fuck, you know I do.”
He does what? Love her? Want to be with her? My heart aches to know.
“Okay honey, later.”
Honey.
He doesn’t call me honey.
My heart drops.
I turn to him, acting as normal as possible. “Maddox and Santana have an awesome bath . . . you want to use it?”
He nods. “Yeah, fuck yeah, just to piss Maddox off.”