Desolation by Bella Jewel
Maddox reaches over and pats my hand. “You decide what you gotta do, kid. I gotta run, got shit to deal with. You seen Tyke today?”
I flinch and look up. “Ah, yeah, I saw him a little while ago.”
“Good, was wondering where he got to. He’s got shit to do, too. Catch you later.”
He winks at me and stands, disappearing. I sit on the couch and stare at the paper in my hand. This seems too good to be true. Rainer is here, and he’s so close. I’ve wanted to see him again, to know he’s okay, and now the very idea terrifies me. Maybe I can call? Maybe if I hear his voice, it won’t be so terrifying.
Using my phone, I find the number for the bar and hit the call button. My hands are shaking as I count the rings. One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
“Hello?”
The voice that fills the line is female, and I breathe a strange sigh of relief. My voice was clogged in my throat, and I honestly didn’t know how I would have handled it if Rainer had answered.
“Ah, hello,” I squeak. “I was wondering, ah, if Rainer worked there still?”
“He does. Would you like me to put him on?”
“Yes, I mean—”
She is gone before I finish my sentence. Suddenly, I can’t breathe. I begin to pant. I don’t know if I can do this. I honestly don’t know if I can hear his voice after all this time and not break.
“Yeah?”
Oh. Help.
“Hello?”
His voice—it’s the same but so different. It’s masculine, and manly, and so damned grown up. Tears burst forth and I can’t speak, I try but nothing comes out.
“Is anyone there?”
Rainer.
Oh God.
The beep beep of the disconnected line fills my ears and I drop the phone. I need to see him. I need to see his face again. I need to tell him that I’ll never forget every beautiful thing he did for me. I reach down with shaky fingers and lift my phone, dialing Santana.
“Hey Pippi,” she answers.
“Tana,” I croak.
“Pip? What’s wrong?”
“I need your help, tonight. Can you get Molly watched? It’s important.”
“Absolutely. I’ll be there soon.”
I’m going to see him again.
My best friend. The only person who has ever understood me.
Rainer.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THEN – Pippa
“Happy birthday to you,” Rainer sings softly as we sit amongst the crops. “Happy birthday, dear Pippa, happy birthday to you.”
I’m seventeen. I’ve been here for nearly three years. It hasn’t gotten easier, but it hasn’t gotten harder, either. Artreau has found new assault victims, and he never came back for the favor I owed him. He took interest in a new slave. Since then, Rainer and I have spent our time just working and praying that each day is our last one here.
“Thank you,” I whisper, smiling with trembling lips.
I wonder if Santana is still alive? I wonder if she’s thinking of me right now the way I’m thinking about her. She’ll be about nineteen now. I wonder if she looked for me? Maybe she got married? Tears burn in my eyes as I wonder about the sister I lost. Artreau told me any family I have left was killed and that’s why I was sold, but I just don’t believe it. I would feel it if Santana was dead, and I truly don’t believe she is. Maybe I just don’t want to lose that hope.
Rainer reaches over and takes my hand, squeezing.
“One day, Pip, I’m going to give you the best party you’ve ever had.”
“You will?” I whisper, with a smile.
He turns my body so my back is pressed to his chest. He wraps his arms around my middle and we stare out at the crops. “Yep, I will.”
“Will there be cake?” I ask wistfully.
“So much fucking cake you won’t be able to eat it all.”
“Chocolate?”
“Whatever flavor you want.”
He squeezes me, and I smile. “What about candles?”
“Plenty of those, too.”
“And balloons?”
He chuckles. “Everything you could ever imagine.”
“My sister,” I whisper, looking down.
Rainer puts his head on my shoulder and turns his face into my neck. “Your sister.”
“And what about you? What will you have?” I say, turning my face into his and pressing my cheek against his.
“Only you, Pippa.”
“There has to be more you want?”
He shakes his head and kisses my cheek. “There’ll never be anything more than I could ever want. You’re my best friend, Pippa, and I don’t ever want to let you go.”
I think I adore Rainer.
No, I know I do.
~*~*~*~
NOW – Pippa
“So this guy . . . he was a slave too?” Santana asks as we approach the club.
I nod, chewing on my bottom lip as the bright blue neon sign comes into view. I’m really not sure I can do this. I dressed and made Santana bring me, telling her the story—well most of it—on the way here. She was surprised, but so excited that I might have found someone I know. I’m not so sure Rainer will even want to see me. What if he doesn’t want that reminder of his past?
“Pip, are you okay?”
I nod, but my hands are shaking.
“Pippa.”
Santana stops me, turning me and staring down into my eyes. “You don’t have to do this.”
“He was the only friend I’ve ever had, Tana. I have to do it.”
She nods. “Well, I’ll be right here with you.”
I nod again, and as we reach the doors to the club, my hands begin to sweat. I swallow the thick lump forming in my throat and try to slow down the flurry of butterflies kicking up a storm in my stomach. I close my eyes, take a shaky breath and then we push inside.
The bar is quite nice in a typical bar kind of way. There’s a massive wooden counter that bartenders are serving over. Pool tables line the middle floors and tables and chairs are scattered about everywhere. There’s even a dance floor and a stage for a band. I walk towards the bar, figuring that’s the best place to start.
I have a memory of Rainer in my head, but it was years ago that I saw him. He would be a man now. Maybe he looks the same—maybe he doesn’t. I try to picture him, but it’s so hard when nerves are swallowing me. Santana grabs my arm and whispers, “Do you want me to look with you, or just wait?”
As much as I want my sister with me, I need to talk to Rainer on my own. This meeting might just go south, and I don’t want her to witness the heartbreak that will cause me. “Find a table. I’ll come when I’m ready.”
She nods, squeezing my shoulder. “I’ll be right over there if you need me, Pippi.”
I hug her softly, and then walk towards the bar. There’s a young woman serving, and when I reach the counter she stops and stares at me. She’s blond, and busty, and quite beautiful. She’s also snotty. Her face is impatient as she glares at me. “Can I get you something, or are you going to stare all day?”
“Ah, I’m here to see Rainer.”
She narrows her eyes. “And who are you?”
I swallow. “A friend.”
“What kind of friend?”
Honestly, I don’t have the patience for people like her. I’m already feeling as though I’m going to lose my lunch. I need to get this over with, and she’s only delaying that.
“An old family friend. I came to see him. Can you please go and tell him he has a visitor?”
“Do you have a name?” she snipes.
“No. Just get him.”
She blinks at me, and turns and storms out. I’m surprised at my snappiness, but I’m so nervous the words just flow out. I grip the edge of the bar and stare at the door she just stormed toward. I watch it and watch it. When it swings open and she comes back out followed by a man, my stomach lurches.
Oh. Sweet. Heaven.
It’s him. I was right. He’s n
He’s a dangerous kind of beautiful.
The girl glares at me, but Rainer stops and talks to a man who grabs his arm. I think I’m going to be sick. I don’t know that I can do this. He looks scarier. What if he screams at me to go? I’ll never be able to handle it. I clasp my hands together to try and halt my shaking.
Then he turns.
His eyes go right past me and to the bartender. “Who is here to see me?”
His voice is thicker, huskier, even better than it was on the phone.
“That one there.” The bartender jabs a thumb at me, and Rainer turns.
It’s as if the world is suddenly in slow motion. His eyes find me and settle on my face. For a second, for an agonizing second I think he might not know who I am. But I know the moment he figures it out. His face drops and something washes over his features—a kind of dark pain that I’ve only ever seen in my eyes.
And suddenly I can’t do it.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think.
My world goes numb.
I turn and I run, I run as fast as I can out of the bar. Santana calls my name, but I don’t stop. I push past the people coming through the door and the moment I hit the cool breeze I stumble. I fall forward but a hard set of arms wrap around my waist, pulling me up. I make a sharp keening sound and tears burst from my eyes.
“Pippa?”
It’s him. It’s him.
“Fucking Jesus, is it really you?”
“Rainer,” I croak.
He spins me around and then my cheek is crushed against his chest. His hold is tight and I can barely breathe through it, but I don’t care. He could crush me against a wall until there was no air left in my body, and I wouldn’t care. My tiny arms go out and close around his waist. It’s hard there; he’s as muscled as he once was. His body shakes the same way mine does, and we stand there on the street, trembling with emotion.
He’s the first to pull back, and when he looks down at me, I see he’s got the same black eyes he always had. They’re glassy as he reaches down and cups my jaw in his big hand. He stares at me, as if he never ever thought he’d see me again. Maybe he thought I was dead.
“I never thought I’d see your face again, Pippa. I see you every night in my dreams, but I thought that would be all I ever got. Fuck, princess, is it really you?”
“It’s really me,” I whisper. “I . . . I thought . . .”
“Fuck, sweetheart,” he rasps, pulling me back in.
We hold each other again, and this time I pull back first. I reach up and stroke my fingers over his stubble. He turns his face into my palm. I’m sure to onlookers this looks quite interesting. A huge man, and a tiny woman, and he’s got his face in her palm as if he’s the fragile one. He isn’t, though. I know just how strong Rainer is.
“How long have you been . . . out?” he says, staring into my eyes.
“Three years.”
His eyes flutter closed and he growls, “Thank fuck.”
“What happened to you?” I whisper.
“I’ll tell you, but right now . . . I just need to stare at you.”
A throat clears, and we turn to see Santana watching us with a small smile on her face.
“Oh,” I say, stepping back. “Rainer, this is my sister, Santana.”
Rainer’s brows shoot up and he gives her a truly stunning half-smile. “Heard a lot about you. Good to meet you.”
He stretches his hand out and Santana takes it, smiling. “I hear you and Pippa were close. I’m glad she has found someone who understands.”
“Best thing I ever had,” Rainer says, glancing at me.
I flush. I never realized until right now how beautiful Rainer really is. He was always good looking, but now he’s stunning, breathtaking and dangerous.
“I’m glad she found you then,” Santana says stepping back. “Pippa, do you want me to stay or are you okay?”
I look to her. “I’m okay, thanks Tana.”
I hug her, and she flashes Rainer and I another smile before disappearing.
“You found your sister,” he says, watching her go.
“Yeah, her and her husband, Maddox, saved me.”
“Maddox?” Rainer says, narrowing his eyes.
“Yeah, he found you for me.”
His brows nearly hit his hairline. “Maddox . . . Joker’s Wrath President, Maddox?”
I nod. “That would be him.”
“You’re . . . you’re with the J.W. boys?”
“I’m not, ah, with them. They’re kind of like my family.”
He grins. “Good family to have.”
“I’m starting to think you might be right.”
He smiles and reaches out, tucking a strand of stray hair behind my ear. “You’ve grown up, kid,” he murmurs.
“Yeah,” I say shyly. “I did.”
“Got real beautiful.”
“So did you,” I say, and then my cheeks burn. “I mean, not beautiful, but . . .”
Rainer laughs. “Have you got time? Let me buy you a drink so you can tell me everything.”
I nod. “I have all night.”
He tucks me into his side and leads me back into the bar. He sits me down at a bar stool and orders the girl to get me a drink. I order a beer, because it seems to be the easiest. She delivers it with a grunt and Rainer leans over the bar, putting his elbows down and staring right into my eyes.
“They saved you, huh?”
“Yeah.”
I tell him the entire story, and how Maddox and the guys saved me. And how Artreau caught Maddox, and then got killed. Rainer listens through the whole thing with a blank look on his face. When I’m done, he shakes his head. “I’m not sad to hear that fucker is dead.”
“I thought you were dead,” I say softly, meeting his eyes.
“No, he sent me away and I got out.”
“He sent you away?” I whisper. “I didn’t know what happened. One minute you were there and suddenly you weren’t. I thought . . . he killed you. When I couldn’t find you, I asked him but he brushed it off.”
“No. I went to him and confronted him. I heard him, Pippa. That day he decided to try it on again with you after all those years of leaving you alone. I heard him.”
I remember that night. Artreau had left me alone for years, but when I was eighteen he decided he wanted to try again. I don’t know why. He came to our room when I was alone, and tried to touch me again. I had my period, which I think was a tiny saving grace, because it was enough to halt him. But he told me he would get his fingers back inside me. It was one of the most repulsive moments of my life.
When he was gone, I broke down and cried. I don’t know how Rainer heard that.
“How did you hear that?” I whisper.
“I was in the bathroom. I had come back up to get new shoes. Mine broke. You weren’t there; at least, I didn’t see you when I came in. I was washing up when I heard you come back in. I then heard his voice so I stayed inside the bathroom. I was ready to bust out when you told him you had your period. I was shaking when he finished the sentence. When he said, when he said he was going to . . .” He trails off and looks away, his jaw hard. “When I heard you crying, I knew I had to do something about it.”
“So you went to him?” I whisper.
“And beat the ever-living shit out him,” he says, his jaw hard.
“You . . .” I recall Artreau having a busted up face, but I never put two and two together. I was too devastated that Rainer was gone. “You did that to him?”
“Yeah, I lost it. I was going to kill him to make sure he never put his hands on you again. Instead of killing me, he
“You escaped,” I breathe.
“I had to run, I tore up my feet and my body, but I managed to outrun them. It took me two months, but I finally got back to America with the help of some seriously sketchy people. I looked for you, Pippa. I tried to find out where you were being kept, but I just got to dead ends. Whatever Artreau was running, it was well hidden. I don’t even think that was his real name. I don’t know.”
“You gave up?”
His face twists with agony, and I realize my words sound like an accusation. “No,” I say quickly. “I didn’t mean . . .”
“I would never give up on you, Pippa,” he rasps. “I searched until I couldn’t search anymore. I got into drugs to ease the guilt and pain I was living with, and it became bad. I was a mess. I got put into rehab and they told me I had to let go, that I couldn’t save you. I honestly don’t even think they believed me. I just shut down. I was in a bad way.”
“You went to rehab?” I say, my voice shaky.
“It was the best thing that could have happened. I was fucked up, Pip. I still am.”
“No,” I say, reaching over and taking his hand. “You’re not.”
“I am. I struggle to trust, I have nightmares, I drink a fuck load more than I should, and I can’t keep a relationship if I try. I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same.”
“I know the feeling,” I say.
His eyes study my face. “But please don’t think I gave up because I didn’t want to save you,” he says, and there’s true heartbreak in his voice. “Because I would have gone to the ends of the Earth to find you. I just didn’t have the means.”
“Don’t,” I say, squeezing his hand. “You can’t hate yourself for something you had no control over. We’re both here now—that’s all that matters.”