Dust to Dust by Karina Halle
The room was black except for the bathroom light which was on. I could see Dex asleep in bed, his face illuminated. He was snoring lightly and his perfect face looked totally peaceful and almost childlike as he slept.
I quietly closed the door behind me and stood at the foot of the bed, debating whether to get in with him or sleep on the floor or in the bathtub.
But, watching him sleep, I could barely imagine him doing what he had done, even though my neck and throat throbbed with a dull ache. I was going to marry the guy and that meant for better or for worse.
Or for possessed, I guess.
Still, I picked up the corkscrew from above the mini bar and put it under my pillow.
You could never be too careful.
***
That night I dreamt that Dex had died. I woke up with tears in my eyes, cursing our mortality. I could still see the embers raining down from the sky.
CHAPTER TEN
Dex
I was falling.
Free falling, kind of like Tom Petty, if Tom Petty was signing about falling into the fiery pits of Hell.
Maybe he was, I don’t know.
All I saw was the black, all I could grab was handfuls of nothing. All I felt was evil, waiting to sink its teeth into me, a present at the very bottom. Soon it would have me and I, I would be empty.
The sound of the television brought me out of the blackness. I groaned and tried to roll over, away from the sound of morning television, my head throbbing with sharp shards of pain. This could have been Hell for all I knew.
I expected to be roused from my half-conscious state, for a familiar voice to chide me for sleeping in so late and not getting up.
What I got wasn’t words, but had that floaty, airy quality of a singular thought, plucked from elsewhere.
I’m afraid of him.
I opened my eyes to see the hazy morning sun of Manhattan filter in through the window, blinding me. It only revved my headache into high gear but managed to get me thinking.
Why did I feel like such utter shit? What happened last night? And where did Kelly Ripa get her crack cocaine from because, shit did I need some of that.
My brain immediately brought me back to the phrase: I’m afraid of him.
Carefully, as if my head was comprised of nothing but glass, I sat up and looked around the room. The TV was on and Perry was sitting on the chair in the corner of the room, watching me with steady eyes and a firm mouth.
I had done something wrong. Immediately, I knew that’s what it was. The problem was, I didn’t know what. The last thing I remembered was coming back to the hotel after the self-indulgent play. I remember being horny as fuck, slamming her up against the door, eager to get in her pants.
None of that was very unusual. But after that, my memory kind of tapered off. I hadn’t had that much wine at supper and I just had a beer at the theatre, much to Daniel’s disappointment. Still, I usually remembered having sex. Like, that was the one thing in life I never forgot.
And then, as I was staring dumbly at Perry, trying to piece back the night, I noticed her fingers caressing her throat and suddenly my mind was flooded with unwanted images. I remembered her crying out in pain, the feel of her neck beneath my hands, so easy to crush. I remember blood in my mouth, the need to eat her, devour her, consume her until there was nothing left. I remember feeling nothing but hatred, pure and primeval, pouring out of me and directed at her.
I remember her pleading for me to stop.
I remembered enough to make me feel like I’d just been kicked in the heart, in the gut, in my very soul. The shame flowing through me was enough to make a weaker man kill himself.
And I wasn’t sure how strong I was.
“Perry,” I said gently, hoping that my memories were lies.
But the blank look in her eyes, the kind she gets when she’s been hurt too much, when she’s cried too much, and can’t take anymore, that’s all I saw.
She lifted her hands away from her throat and I saw the dark red fingerprints around her throat. I knew it was from me. I knew I had done that.
She looked away from me, staring at the carpet instead. Maybe she could sense it. Maybe she could read the pain on my face.
“Did I do that?” I asked softly, my voice cracking. “I did, didn’t I?”
“Someone did,” she said. “He looked a lot like you. Talked a lot like you. I could have sworn it was you. But I’ve never had to knee you in the balls before.”
The sound of that brought back a sharp wince in my groin, as if my body was suddenly saying “oh yeah, that.” Fuck, she could cut off my balls and I’d find it fitting if I did that to her. I’d deserve it.
I just didn’t understand what happened. I didn’t want to ask, but I had to.
“What happened?”
She gave me a smile that wasn’t all there. “You don’t remember.”
I shook my head, wincing at the pain. “I don’t remember anything. We came back here. I remember pressing you up against the door and that was it. I…have flashes of things but they don’t make any sense. Was I drunk?”
She shook her head. “Or maybe you were.”
No. I wasn’t. Ignoring the pain in my head, I swung my legs out of bed, surprised to find myself in a t-shirt and pajama pants, as if I had gone through the process of dressing for bedtime before I went to bed. Not exactly the actions of a drunk.
I walked toward Perry but she immediately flinched and moved back in her chair. She was trying so hard to hide the fear from her wide blue eyes, but it was clear on her face.
It felt like I’d been stabbed. Not just the fear, the fear of me, but the way she looked. It was very obvious that she’d been strangled. She also had gashes on her neck that were raised and swollen. Bites.
From me.
I remembered the taste of blood.
I fell straight down to my hands and knees, the carpet grinding up into my skin. Fighting for breath, I clenched my eyes and fists, wanting to inflict pain on the man who had done this and realizing that it was me.
“Dex,” Perry said softly and I heard her come off the chair. I didn’t want her near me when I didn’t understand myself.
I could only shake my head and try to take in air. My breaths were ragged, my lungs feeling shallow. As much as I tried, I felt like I was a just above this moment, feeling it but not really in it.
She placed her hand on my shoulder and it seemed to ground me, tether me to the time and place. Perry prevented me from flying away. And what did I do to her?
I heard her sniff, as if taking in tears and she crouched down beside me, not wanting anything from me but trying to bring me comfort. I opened my eyes and stared down at the white carpet, spying flecks of blood that stood out like red graffiti. What was that from? My nosebleed? Her neck? How could so much blood have spilled in such a short amount of time.
“I am so sorry,” I said, but it was barely a whisper. I couldn’t even find my voice. It was such a pale substitute for what I was really feeling. I knew no matter what I did, I could never make it up, never take it back.
“I know,” she said softly. “It wasn’t you, Dex.”
How could she be so good to me? “If it wasn’t me, who was it?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “But I looked into your eyes and you weren’t there. I don’t know who was in your place, but I hope to God I never see them again. You tasted…foreign.” She trembled a bit over those last words. I wanted nothing more than to pull her into my arms and hold onto her, never let her go.
But now I was afraid. Afraid to see her flinch from my touch. Afraid that I would no longer be me.
But who was I?
“We have to go to the house today,” I said. I raised my head and looked right at her. My beautiful woman. The wife I would spend my life with. She came all the way here for me. I needed to prove it wasn’t for nothing. I needed answers. The answers were in those walls, I swore they were.
“Do you even know if your house
I pushed past the pain. “No, but it’s a brownstone. Townhouse. No one tears that shit down in the city, especially not in this neighbourhood.” Besides, I knew it was there. It’s not that I had been there since I was a kid, but for some reason I knew it. I could almost see it, like I’d been inside it recently.
“Are you certain that you need to go there?” she asked. She had settled down into a cross-legged position, her hand still on my shoulder, as if to steady her or steady me. I wanted nothing more than to kiss the fear from her lips and take away everything that happened. But I was as scared of myself as she was.
I nodded. “I just…I think I’ll be able to move on. Or…get some closure in some way.”
“You don’t think Michael is there?”
“He could be,” I said. “I don’t know. Maybe that’s the closure I need.”
Her eyes were glued to mine, growing grave and hard. “And you don’t think you need to be afraid of him?”
I could see why she felt that way. I couldn’t blame her. I shook my head. “I’m not afraid of him until I have a reason to be.”
She stared at me for a few beats and if I concentrated hard enough, I could hear her thoughts. Just pieces of it. I hated doing it, so I always pulled back the moment I heard her.
You have all the reasons, she thought.
And yet I couldn’t quite agree. Not yet.
I sat back on my ass. “I think it’s just your mom who wants to see it for nostalgia sake.”
“You’re not going without us,” she said quickly, as if she had readied herself for that.
I eyed her neck and again felt like a hand had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart from the bottom. How was I even going to get on with the day with the knowledge that those marks were from my fingers, my teeth?
“Baby,” she said, and the purity of her voice brought me out of my spiral. “It wasn’t you, okay? I’ll be fine. Ada will lend me a scarf, no one will know.”
“Ada knows?” I spat out, horrified that her little sister knew what happened to her.
“My parents won’t though,” she said.
“And Maximus?” I asked, my nerves on fire.
She was reluctant to meet my gaze. “I turned to him first.”
I held her eyes with mine and let that sink in. She turned to him first. Another kick to my gut, a steel-toe going in deep.
I let out a puff of air, nearly doubling over again. I guess I deserved that.
“He has experience,” she said.
I frowned at her. “With what?” I cried out. “Being your shoulder to cry on?” And yet I realized how right my question was the minute I said it and how petty I was for even considering it.
“Yes,” she replied. “But also…” she trailed off and looked away.
“What?” I put my hand over hers and tried to ignore the fact that she jumped slightly from my contact. “What is it? What else could it be?” I felt like I was turning into more of a madman, spurred on by jealously that absolutely had no place here but here it was.
She gave me a frank look. “This isn’t news to you. But, he has experience with certain things.” I stared at her dumbfounded. She went on with a sigh. “When I had sex with him, a similar thing happened.”
Holy McFuck, I was going to vomit.
“Dex,” she said quickly. “Get past the sex part and think about what I’m saying. When we slept together, I was possessed and I did things to him that I would have never done sober.”
“I hope you kneed him in the balls,” I grumbled, trying to quell the jealously that was trying to rock through me. That was the last thing I needed to be reminded of but that was the last thing I needed to be worried about at the same time.
“He didn’t get off easy,” she said. “And neither did I.”
Crushing, crushing pain. I couldn’t even look at her anymore. “I wish…”
“It’s done,” she said with finality. “But I’m still going to marry you because I know the real you. We’re going to get past this. And if you need to visit the home you grew up in to do that, then you have my support. I’m going with you. We all are.”
I nodded even though I felt like she was flooding me with feelings I couldn’t quite absorb. My brilliant, beautiful Perry had been through so much already and yet here she still was, by my side while I was at my absolute worst. And considering I was Dex Foray, that was saying a lot.
***
An hour later, all of us were standing outside of the hotel, breathing in fumes of garbage and exhaust. Daniel and Ada had gone to get us coffees for the delightful journey back into my personal Hades.
Perry seemed to be handling everything well, despite the fact that she had a scarf peppered with giraffes tied tightly around her throat. But her mother only commented on what a lovely, elegant look that was. Ada and Maximus knew better and it was hardtop endure their glances. There wasn’t a moment that went past that I wasn’t beating myself up over it.
When we were all given a coffee, we took off down the street. I was in the lead, even though I didn’t really remember where I lived. Still, it only took a few blocks before instincts kicked in and I was remembering a route I used to walk a long time ago. It was weird to know that Perry’s mother might have walked the same route with Pippa.
Even though I had been close with Pippa as a boy, I didn’t feel like I had the same kind of relationship with her as Perry did. Ironically, our relationship had been while she was alive and Perry’s had been after her death, yet theirs was always stronger. Pippa had never come to visit me after she left her position.
I’d be lying if I thought that never bothered me. As overjoyed as I was that Perry found some love in her life, even if by the great beyond, growing up I had looked to Pippa more than I looked to my own mother. She was love while my parents were not.
You were loved, a voice rang throughout my head, ripe with bitterness.
I had no idea where it came from, but it was telling the truth. Pippa had loved me. And now, whether it was for me or Perry, she seemed to be gone forever.
As I walked down the street, my feet moving eagerly, I glanced beside me at Perry’s mom. We were leading the pack. She had staunch determination on her face, her thin lips pressed hard together, her brow furrowed in concentration. I wondered what was in it for her, what she was hoping to find. This was more than wanting a stroll down memory lane. She was being driven there much in the same way that I was.
But what were we being driven by?
It didn’t take long before the road started to become familiar and with that, the sense of urgency increased. I looked back at Perry. She was beside Maximus, both of their eyes trained on me, as if they had expected me to turn around and look at them.
The sight of them together riled up my caveman center but I ignored it and tried to give them a smile.
You’re all going to die, the thought jabbed into my brain.
And then everything went black. Time jumped and skipped.
The next thing I knew, I was standing in front of my childhood home and it looked exactly as I remembered, even down to the potted palm in the front, still half-wilted, its bright green leaves peppered with brown rot. After hearing my father wax on about how magical Hawaii was, I convinced Pippa, and through her, my mom, to get a palm for the front. It never really grew and kind of stayed dormant in this hunched over, sickly state.
And it was still here, the same cracked pot and everything.
For some reason that made me smile. I looked back at everyone else but I was surprised to see them staring at the house in concern and that Daniel was gone.
“Where did your dad go?” I asked Perry.
She gave me an odd look. “He decided to go to the Natural History Museum,” she said, as if I was stupid.
I nodded, like I understood but instead I was just aware that time had skipped by me
All of us believers, I thought. If that counted for anything.
“This is it,” Perry’s mom said, staring up at the windows. “Looks just like I remembered.”
I nodded. It did look just the same. It probably should have been a warning to me, since New York life changes so quickly, but it wasn’t.
The thing was, the house looked abandoned. The front door was even open a crack while the rest of the house seemed to retreat inside its dark windows. The neighbors, very close by along the sides, seemed to have a lot more life and vibrancy. Their buildings seemed to dance in the air.
This building looked dead.
“I guess no one has lived here for some time,” Maximus said, and when I looked over at him, he was inspecting the pot that had held the palm tree. Now the tree was dry and curled around itself, dead to the world.
“I guess not,” I said, blinking at the way the plant had changed. Property like this wouldn’t last more than a week in the city.
“So, we’ve seen it,” Ada said quickly. “Time to head back.”
I looked at her and noted how damn scared she looked. She kept rubbing her hands along her arms, as if it weren’t eighty degrees out and we were all sweating.
“Not yet,” her mother said and I turned to see her on the landing, opening the door to the house.
“Mom, no,” Perry said but her voice sounded like it was swallowed up by a non-existent wind.
It was too late. She stepped inside and disappeared.
Well, fucking great. Like hell I was going to be shown up by my mother-in-law. This wasn’t her damn house.
I ran up the brick stairs, my hand skirting the black iron railing, and followed her into the foyer.
I immediately felt a change in air pressure. I flexed my jaw, trying to get my ears to pop while I got my bearings.
I stood in the foyer and looked around. My body immediately calmed, like a wave of clarity came over me. I had done good. I don’t know how, but I had done good by coming here, by bringing everyone.