Silver Silence by Nalini Singh
Silver responded to whomever she was speaking with, even as her eyes scanned the note. Her fingers flew over the touchscreen.
I've never danced with anyone. I'll wait for you.
His heart, it threatened to burst in his chest.
Dropping a kiss to the curve of her neck with a possessiveness that would claw him bloody if she didn't become his soon, he left her to her work--and went out to confront the heavy cloud of pain that lingered over every single member of his clan, no matter how happy they appeared on the surface.
His bear's fur brushed against the inside of his skin.
No one stopped him when he strode through the Cavern; the cubs who might've rushed him were turned in other directions by parents who accurately read the sense of purpose in Valentin's stride. The crisp chill of the air outside was a welcome kiss, but it did nothing to ease the scalding pain deep inside him.
Valentin had grown up knowing he would one day hold his clan safe.
He'd never expected the horror that had divided them.
Pounding over the earth with the solid, relentless stride of a changeling whose animal was a bear, strong and built to endure, he passed endless groves of trees, the dark green and brown whipping past him in a blur that would become a blanket of white with the oncoming winter. He scented clanmates at times, made sure to avoid them.
Valentin didn't like speaking to anyone when he was on this particular task.
Their pain gouged his own to bleeding.
Erupting out of the trees about fifty feet from the cave system where the members of his clan who'd forsaken him made their home, he caught his breath, shoved back his hair. The sentries spotted him, but they could no more stop him than they could a hurricane--and it hadn't gotten that bad yet. These bears, they weren't disloyal.
They were just lost . . . and heartbroken.
"Fariad, Ilya," he said in greeting. "Any threats I need to be aware of?" He and his strongest dominants made sure to cover this area during their patrols, but the local sentries had responsibility for those who lived inside the cave system.
Both men shook their heads, deep grooves on either side of their mouths. One parted his lips, closed it without making a sound.
Valentin answered the question the blond male couldn't bring himself to ask. "Oksana won't wait forever," he said bluntly. "She's a strong, beautiful woman. If you're not there to be her lover and partner in life, she'll move on." A harsh thing to say, but true; Ilya and Oksana could've been something special--but by leaving her in favor of this group, Ilya had made a choice she might never forgive.
The other man flinched.
His fellow sentry squared his shoulders. "If she truly loved him, she'd wait."
"Govno, Fariad." The other man had to know he was talking shit. "No bear female wants to know she comes low on her man's list of priorities."
Both men paled this time. Because Fariad, too, had a woman he adored, but whom he'd left behind. Irina was even prouder than Oksana.
Valentin hardened his heart against the instinctive urge to reassure clanmates in distress. "Are the cubs inside?"
A jerky nod from Ilya.
Leaving them, Valentin entered the cave system and--ignoring the adults who looked at him with wan, drawn faces, or with a deep confused anger that blamed him for this division yet expected him to fix it--went straight to the center. It was nothing like the heart of Denhome, a small dark room in contrast to the sprawling light of the Cavern.
No water, no moss, no vines, a bare glimmer of natural sunlight.
"Mishka!" The shout went up from two tiny mouths, was immediately echoed by a chorus of others. All five cubs who lived here tumbled into him. Laughing, he allowed the small pack to take him to the floor, not chiding them when some shifted in their excitement and clawed him a little. These were his cubs, his babies to love.
"What're you eating out here?" he said, pretending to be flattened by their weight. "You're all getting so big."
They butted against him in pride. Being big was a compliment from and to a bear. He continued to hug them, continued to praise them, until at last, they exhausted themselves into happily limp balls against him. Staying seated on the floor, he looked at the others who'd come to linger in the general area. The teenagers and older children, caught between their primal need for their alpha's approval and their love and loyalty toward their parents.
Valentin wasn't about to make them choose: They were children. This war was not theirs. Rather, he smiled to show them their alpha's love for them was as powerful as ever, his bear in his eyes and his voice as he spoke. "You kissed a girl yet, Marik?"
The teenager went red as, around him, his friends clapped and stamped their feet. But the smile that dawned on his face was real and a far better thing than the stricken look he'd worn before Valentin's teasing comment. "Bears don't kiss and tell," the boy replied. "My alpha taught me that."
Valentin laughed deep in his chest, causing the cubs to chortle and the teens to look a touch less ragged.
Slowly, one by one, the older kids and teens ended up seated around him, telling him their news. Of studies and play and the myriad small pieces of everyday life. Most asked about their friends in Denhome. He shared the news he had, including that of Nika's mating, but kept the biggest piece till last.
"You have a new clanmate," he announced. "Moira gave birth to her and Leo's cub this morning."
Gasps--and not just from the children. The adults who'd whispered quietly into the space were also straining to hear. Valentin caught their shining eyes, their hunger, and the alpha in him couldn't deny them this knowledge of clan. He spoke to the children, but his words were for all of them. "He was more impatient than even you," he said, tickling a bear cub who was trying to crawl up his chest.
The little girl broke out into bearish giggles, her friends jumping in on the fun by tickling her with their little hands and paws--which Valentin made sure weren't clawed. "He wasn't supposed to come for at least three more weeks. It was a good thing Nova was with Moira, as was another friend." He didn't name Silver, because he couldn't trust these clanmates with that precious piece of his heart.
It was a vicious blow to an alpha to even think that about members of his clan, but he had to start getting hard-eyed about this. The time for a final decision was nearly here. But not today, not on a day of celebration.
"Nova's the best!" a tiny boy cried. "I like her shoes!"
Grinning, Valentin grabbed the cub into his arms to smother his face in kisses. The boy squealed with laughter and clambered up to sit on Valentin's shoulders afterward. "Nova's looking after the cub right now--but don't worry, he's tough."
"He's a bear!" the children said in concert.
"Exactly." Valentin nodded proudly. "He'll grow strong enough for play soon."
The solid little boy on his shoulders pulled his hair. "Can we see him?"
He felt the shift in the emotions that swirled around the adults and teens in the room. Instead of facing a question that could shatter the joy, he tumbled the cub over his head and into his lap. "What do you think you're doing assaulting your alpha?" he grumbled. "Big bears have been known to eat small bears who aggravate them."
He faked growling as he brought the cub's arm to his mouth as if to take a bite.
Laughing too hard to speak, the boy just said, "Mishka!"
His infectious laughter distracted the little ones and the older ones weren't about to poke that particular bear, so Valentin left the question unanswered. Not long afterward, a teenager asked another question, his tone wistful. "Are you having a big party to celebrate?"
"With dancing?" the girl next to him said.
Valentin nodded. "Of course. It's a new life in the clan, a new voice in Denhome." A Denhome that was far too empty right now.
Normally, he'd have said, "All are welcome," but today, he swallowed those words, despite the hurt that caused inside him. "You should have a party, too."
The cubs took up the cry, and he kn
There was anger, too. Clenched fists and red bursts on cheekbones.
Valentin held each and every gaze, showed them he was about to make the call he should've made months ago. The only thing that had held him back was his abiding love for his clan. But even an alpha bear's heart couldn't take blow after blow without breaking. "Celebrate," he said in a quiet tone. "The rest can wait."
*
HE returned to the den needing touch, needing comfort. He didn't want it from any of his clan. He wanted it from a telepath who'd barely begun to accept her capacity to feel. But he'd go to her anyway. Not to the tech room, but to her own. He could scent the ice and fire of her in that direction, a thread that whispered his name.
Yet, though he wanted to arrow straight to her, he was alpha. His needs didn't come first. He cuddled the little ones who ran over to him, spoke to clanmates who asked hesitantly about family or friends in the lost group. He discussed ongoing business matters with two of his seconds, congratulated the team that had so beautifully decorated the Cavern, went to the infirmary to see his newborn clanmate again, and dropped by the kitchen to say hi to the cooks working hard to put together a celebratory feast.
By the time he got to Silver, need was a wild creature gnawing on his bones.
He forced himself to knock.
Silver pulled open the door almost at once. She was still wearing the headset, had an organizer in hand. But the instant she saw him, she said, "I'll call you back," and took off the headset. Putting that and the organizer on the bed behind her, she held out a hand. "What's wrong?"
He couldn't speak.
Taking her hand, he stepped inside and kicked the door shut. Then he wrapped his arms around her and crushed her close, his body vibrating with the force of the emotions tearing him apart. Inside him, his bear roared in anguish.
Chapter 29
This child of my child, Silver, she is brilliant firelight, incandescent in her intelligence and inner strength. To watch her become Silent . . . it is the only way, and yet I cannot help but wonder if we will lose part of her under the weight of the conditioning.
--Personal diary entry, Ena Mercant (November 14, 2059)
VALENTIN EXPECTED SILVER to protest at how he'd engulfed her.
But Silver Mercant, he should've remembered, was made of sterner stuff.
She put her arms around him and, after a brief pause, began to stroke his back. He knew at that instant that he was the absolute focus of her attention. She wasn't telepathing, wasn't doing anything but concentrating on him. He knew that in his gut, as he knew each and every member of his clan--even the ones who'd walked away.
When Silver finally spoke, it was many minutes later. "I've never known you to be lost for words, Valyusha. I should take advantage of this momentous circumstance to tell you all the ways in which you've annoyed me since we first met."
Light began to dawn inside him, his bear suffused with joy. His Starlight was playing with him. Really playing.
"First," she said, "bringing over documents in hard copy but never in triplicate as requested. Then asking me to copy them for you right then because you wanted to be sure we didn't mess with the contract."
His lips curved. He remembered how she'd icily do the task personally rather than passing it on to her assistant. Then she'd hand him his copy, usually with a pithy comment about how his satisfaction was her utmost priority. He'd almost kissed her a hundred times during those exchanges.
"We won't mention how you continually breached my security, forcing my cousin to run a full security update five times in the space of a single month."
As well he should, Valentin thought with a scowl that came straight from his bear. His first few entries had been ridiculously easy.
"Also the zefir you somehow managed to leave on my desk while I wasn't looking. The sweets would've been wasted if I hadn't been aware of a family on the lower floor of my building who would appreciate them."
"You didn't eat even one?" he grumbled at her, the sound a roll of thunder.
"I was Silent," was the prim response.
Bear and man both froze. "Was?"
"Partially." A pause. "The process is gradual regardless of the individual concerned, but I have to be more careful than perhaps even an Arrow."
He rubbed his jaw gently against her temple, cuddling her impossibly closer, no longer for himself but because he needed to look after her. "The suicide numbers you told me about?"
"Yes," Silver said. "And no. I have a mutation in my genome."
Valentin squeezed his eyes shut against a storm of emotion. For a Psy of his Starlight's standing and power to admit a vulnerability, it was a trust so deep that he knew he had to reciprocate or he'd break something fragile that had barely formed. "My clan is hurt in a way no clan should ever be hurt. We're broken in two."
Silver shifted back enough that she could look into his face. "To the outside world, StoneWater remains a powerful clan no one wants as an enemy."
She was trying to comfort him. Cool and in-control Silver Mercant felt his pain and wanted to ease it. Valentin had never had a chance resisting her. Now . . . now, he could easily become her slave.
Needing to caress her, he ran his hand over her hair, then, ah hell, he unraveled her neat twist so he could fist all those silky blonde strands in his hand. "Oops."
"You've been wanting to do that since day one."
Valentin gave her his patented innocent expression.
Silver didn't speak, just took a sudden, jagged step back. He held on, not understanding she was trying to sever their physical connection--not until her eyes lost all color, turning a fathomless black. He broke contact on the chilling realization that she was overloading. "Tell me what to do."
Silver lifted her head, her eyes obsidian and her breathing erratic. "Don't go."
Valentin's heart pulsed, held inside her slender hand. "You couldn't make me leave if you had a forklift and a pack of feral wolves to drive it." He looked deep into her obsidian eyes, saw his Starlight staring back at him. "You look like a magical warrior princess with those eyes. All wild and deadly."
"I attempt to look deadly every day."
"Yes, moyo solnyshko, but usually, it's lethal ice princess."
*
SILVER heard Valentin's words, but she couldn't concentrate on them; data cascaded through her brain, threatening to short-circuit her ability to think. Something had fractured. Not her PsyNet shields, or Arwen would've been there, protecting her against exposure to the millions of minds in the psychic network.
Internal shields.
She tracked the breach, saw immediately what had triggered the cascade: Too much sensation.
She'd seen the raw anguish in the rigid tension of Valentin's body, had reacted instinctively to give him what he needed. Knowing he'd come to her when he needed an anchor, this big alpha bear, it had fundamentally altered the balance of emotion inside her.
It wasn't just the physical contact that had pushed her over--it was the torrent of feeling that had smashed through her defenses. She felt a compulsion to reach out to him, even knowing it would undo all the work she'd just done to get her mind in order. "Emotion makes me stupid." Silver's intelligence had always been her biggest weapon.
Valentin folded his arms, his eyebrows drawing together over his eyes. "We're all a little stupid when it comes to the people who matter."
"I'm not."
"Would you stand in the way of a bullet aimed at your grandmother?"
"She's my alpha. Of course I would."
"She's older, while you're young, ready to take over. You should let her die."
Silver stared at the hard angles of his face, a face that wasn't beautiful by any typical measure and yet that was her s
His eyes went amber, his arms uncrossed, and then he began to laugh, the sound filling the room, filling her. When he looked like he wanted to grab her and tumble her to the bed in that wild bear way, she didn't tell him not to do it. That he didn't caused her awakening emotions to twist into a knot--this powerful alpha was fighting his instincts for her . . . as she was fighting hers for him.
"I'll be beary good," he promised, his face lit from within.
She had the sense of playing with a wild thing. "Now you're just beyond bearing."
He laughed so hard he fell onto his back on the floor like one of the cubs. It took her only a small movement to lie on the floor beside him. Bracing herself on her forearms, she said, "This is a ridiculous conversation."
"But fun." He tugged on a strand of her hair, seemed to get fascinated with the cool gold fall, bunching it in his hands, running it through his fingers, taking a lock to rub it against his cheek.
Silver's heart felt too big inside her.
Careful of her newly rebuilt shields but unwilling to turn back at the first hurdle, she put one hand on the massive width of Valentin's chest. "If I was yours," she said, "how would you treat me?"
"Like a fucking queen." A slight pull on her hair, Valentin tugging her closer with his fisted grip. "I'd also probably drive you a little insane," he said with a shrug. "Bears can be a bit hardheaded--that's not just rumor. But I think your head can be just as hard, so we'll be fine. I'd also touch you. A lot."
The scowl returned, as did the grumbling rumble in his chest. "But only if it wouldn't hurt you. So long as it didn't, I'd probably throw you on a bed, or against a wall every single spare second and tease you, kiss you, pet you until you hauled me down and demanded naked skin privileges."
That primal mental image spoke to the long-dormant wildness in her, the girl who'd once run through a country lane screaming because Silence was a cage and she wanted to be free. That country lane was on a Mercant estate where their children were trained--and where Silver had accepted the cage as a necessity.
The rules, however, had changed. "I want to kiss you again." Wanted to feel his stubble against her cheek, taste the blatant masculinity of him with her tongue.