Sweet Hope by Tillie Cole
Axel dropped his head. I pictured the sculpture with the daggers; ‘Exsanguination’. Every one of Levi’s words were a dagger he couldn’t remove, cracking him slowly. I could see the pain in Axel’s face. Levi stepped closer still, and this time his fists clenched as his body pumped up… he was gonna fight Axel.
“Nothing to say, fratello?” Levi spat, the word ‘fratello’ sounding like a gunshot on his lips. When Axel said nothing in response, Levi launched forward and pushed square on Axel’s chest. “Speak, Goddamn you!” Levi shouted and pushed at Axel again. “FUCKING SPEAK!” Levi bellowed. Then I saw something snap inside Axel.
Whipping his head up, Axel grabbed the neck of Levi’s football pads in his fists and shook him, then slammed him to his chest. Levi went ashen as Axel’s face met his. “Don’t fucking push me, Lev, don’t fucking push me.”
Then to my surprise, Levi smiled, but there was pure rage behind that fake smile. “Why, Axe? ‘Cause you’ll kill me too, ruin me too?” Levi leaned forward until their noses almost touched, then whispered coldly, “Well it’s too fucking late. I fucking died when I was fourteen… when I lost everything because of you!”
Axel, reacting like he had just been burned, dropped his hands from Levi’s pads and staggered back a few steps. Levi laughed at seeing Axel so defeated. He continued, “Aww, what’s the matter, Axe? You feeling sorry for yourself now? Is the great ‘Axel Carillo’ pitying himself?”
Axel breathed in and out to control his breathing. He, then looked to Levi and rasped, “I’m sorry, Lev. I’m so fucking sorry for what I did to you… what I made you do. I’m so fucking sorry.”
Lexi gasped beside me and reached out to hold my hand. Austin dropped his head, and I realized that was probably the first time Axel had ever apologized for his past choices.
Levi’s teeth were gritted together with fury. Suddenly, he staggered back like he’d been shot. His gray eyes showed panic at Axel's confession. His gaze fell on the rest of us and he raked his hands through his hair.
“Don’t,” he warned Axel. “Don’t you dare apologize!”
But Axel moved forward, his hands held out in surrender, and repeated, “Fratellino, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything. I love you, Lev. I love you so fucking much.”
Tears ran like rivers down Levi’s cheeks. He choked back a sob, his fists clenching again. “No! Don’t tell me that, Axe. Back off. Back the fuck off!”
But he didn’t; Axel strode forward. “I love you, kid. I always did. I fucked-up, but I love you, I’ve always loved you, more than my own life…”
Levi raised his head to the darkening sky and screamed.
He stormed to Axel and pushed him back. “I said don’t say that! You don’t love me, you love no one but yourself! You never put us first! You fucking led us to hell!”
Axel stood his ground, his chest wide and repeated. “I know I did, but I do love you… so fucking much…”
Levi snapped, his body shaking. Tightening his fist, he drew back his hand and rammed it straight into Axel’s jaw. Axel stumbled back, but he didn’t retaliate.
Levi’s eyes darkened. “Fight me! Fight me, you fucking pussy!” Levi boomed as he struck Axel again. Axel’s head snapped back; then he took blow after blow. Levi’s actions became frantic as Axel refused to fight, and he screamed, “I’m big enough now for you to face, so fucking fight me!”
Blood ran from Axel’s lip, but he kept his hands by his side. He coughed out through his bruising mouth. “I love you, and I’m sorry, Levi.”
Levi struck Axel again and I openly wept as more blood ran from Axel’s lips and nose. Austin, at last, jumped forward, but Axel, on seeing his approach, held out his open hand to stop him. “No!” he shouted, as he bent over spitting out blood.
“Fuck!” Austin hissed and planted his feet on the ground in front of us… he was breaking apart watching his brothers fight.
Levi’s cries were low and loud, and he paced in front of Axel like he couldn’t stand all this emotion, like it was driving him insane. As Axel, bloodied and beaten, approached him again, Levi roared and took another swing, but Axel dodged it this time. Instead, Axel wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, refusing to let him go.
Levi thrashed around, trying to throw off his brother, but Axel was stronger and kept a tight hold, repeating, “I’m sorry, Lev, I love you,” over and over. Each time Axel said those words, Levi’s face contorted in pain more and more, his sobs becoming louder and louder.
“I love you kid, I fucking love you so much…” As Axel bellowed those words into Levi’s ear, something suddenly changed in Levi. Losing all fight, Levi sagged against Axel who held up his baby brother in his arms.
Levi’s eyes squeezed shut as his cries consumed him. After resisting for as long as he could, Levi suddenly wrapped his arms around Axel. The emotional impact caused Axel to fall to the ground with Levi still in his arms. Axel was crying his heart out too.
Unable to fight back a trapped sob in my throat, I put my hand over my mouth and cried with them. Austin and Lexi did the same.
“Axel,” Levi cried and squeezed his arms tighter against Axel’s neck, “You left me, you fucking left me,” he said brokenly. “You left all of us… we needed you… and you left us... alone…”
“I’m sorry,” Axel wept, “I’m so fucking sorry, kid…”
“And Mamma…” Levi said breaking as he said her name, “Mamma needed you there when she passed. She loved you. You were her eldest, her heart… and you left us all alone… you left her alone as she faded, as she laid there dying wondering where you were… you never got to say goodbye to her… you never got to kiss her goodbye… to pray with us… to kiss her cheek…” Levi wailed. Axel broke down further.
Axel sagged against Levi as he completely fell apart and Levi, feeling this, sat back and cradled Axel in his arms. Their roles suddenly switched. Obviously unable to take it anymore, Austin ran to where his brothers sat on the ground and wrapped his big arms around them both. The three Carillo brothers were purging their pasts and healing through their shuddering tears.
“Oh God, Al…” Lexi whimpered beside me, burying her face in my side.
I looked up at the clear night sky. The stars shone brightly but I closed my eyes. I thanked God that tonight had actually happened. I looked down at the three Carillo boys, shrouded in pain, but finally... together.
Then I heard the sweetest sound of all…
“I… I love you, too, Axe… I forgive you,” Levi said quietly as the brothers’ sobs turned to soft cries, “I’ve missed you so damn much… nothing was ever right with you gone…”
Sniffing, Axel raised his head. Holding the back of Levi’s head, he pressed a kiss on his younger brother’s forehead, then Austin’s. For the first time since I’d met Axel, he looked like he could breathe, as if his ton of burdens had been lifted from his soul.
Axel wrapped his arms around Levi, and Levi looked up with red-rimmed eyes. The adoration I saw in Levi’s stare almost brought me to my knees.
“I killed that King, Lev,” Axel admitted quietly. Levi’s gray eyes widened in shock.
“Wh-What?” he stuttered in a hushed voice.
“Was no way that sin was gonna be on you, so I killed him first. You can sleep soundly, fratellino. Your conscience is clear.”
My heart skipped a beat at the confession. It was always going to be the hardest thing for me to hear Axel say. I knew he’d killed, he’d told me so, but I had to confine it to the past, along with everything else.
“Axel…” Levi cried as he slumped forward. Austin wrapped his arm around Axel’s shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s haunted me for so long.”
Pain flashed across Axel’s face. “I… I didn’t know you… didn’t know you felt that way… I was… shit, Lev, I fucked up so bad… I’m sorry... shit…”
Axel squeezed Levi tighter, Levi looking up at Axel like he was a miracle, his savior.
“Lev?” Axel said. “We good now
I could see the desperate hope in Axel’s gaze. Sighing, Levi nodded his head. He rose to his knees and pulled Axel tightly to his chest.
Blowing quietly and steadily out of my mouth, I tried to relax. I squeezed Lexi’s tiny hand. She looked up at me, wearing the biggest smile I’d ever seen on her face and whispered, “I don’t care what anyone says about you two being together. You’ve saved Axel…” she pressed a kiss to the back of my hand and continued, “you’ve saved all three of them.”
I fought to swallow down my emotion, but I couldn’t. I was just so happy that Levi had come around, so happy for Axel that he’d got his baby brother back. Austin got to his feet, pulling Levi up too. Looking down, Levi held out his hand to Axel. With a big smile, Axel took it and stood up, ruffling Lev’s hair.
Levi couldn’t take his eyes off Axel. Looking at the three Carillo brothers in front of me, I pictured them as kids, Levi and Austin seeing Axel as their hero. Axel taking on the world to make sure they were safe.
Levi’s face dropped, then he said, “Sorry for hitting you, Axe.”
Axel, like he’s just remembered his bust lip and bruising jaw, pressed his hand to his mouth, wiping away the blood. He huffed a laugh. “Don’t sweat it, kid. I’ve had worse.” His eyes met mine then. Only I knew what he’d suffered.
“So,” Lexi said, stepping forward, “Shall we all go out for dinner?”
All three of the Carillo’s, all tall and intimidating in size looked at my little friend. Austin’s eyes showed all the love he had for his wife in his stare, and they all started to laugh.
“Yeah, Pix,” Austin said, flicking his head to the side, urging her to go to him. Lexi laughed and ran into Austin’s open arms, but not before she made time to pull Levi in for a tight hug... Nervously, she walked to Axel and, placing her hands on each of his cheeks, she pulled his head down to kiss him on the forehead.
Axel smiled in surprise. Lexi smiled back, so wide it was infectious.
Still looking shell shocked, Axel held out his hand, looked at me. I brushed past his hand to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. Axel sighed at my touch and kissed my hair.
Fifty minutes later, we were all sitting in a restaurant, the Carillo brothers breaking bread for the first time in years.
Everything seemed to be going right… at last.
Chapter Nineteen
Axel
As I sat at the dinner table with Levi, Lexi, Austin, and Ally by my side, I struggled to believe this was all true. I knew we had a ways to go, but we were all here, trying; trying to piece what was left of this family back together.
And I knew who to thank for it all… the fucking angel who had smashed into my life with the force of a T11 tornado. And somehow, against all the odds, she’d made it better.
My chest constricted as I watched her laughing at something Levi had said, her beautiful face glowing. I couldn’t breathe as I watched her, she had become my everything… fuck, she was my everything.
Shifting on my seat, I tried to keep it together, but I caught Austin staring at me with a shit-eating grin.
Asshole…
As we left the restaurant later that night, we walked to Ally’s car as Levi, Austin and Lexi went to theirs. As we said goodnight, Levi suddenly ran up behind me. Awkwardly, he pulled in me in for a hug.
Sighing in fucking happiness, I hugged him back. Pulling away, he dipped his head shyly, to quickly say, “Don’t do anything that takes you away from us again, okay, Axe.”
I firmly nodded my head. “Lo giuro, fratellino,” I said, meaning every damn word.
Levi smiled. “Bene, molto bene. Buono notte, fratello.”
Austin, Lexi and Levi waved goodbye just as Ally returned to my side. She pressed a kiss to my neck, using the distraction to snatch her keys out of my hand.
I raised an eyebrow in question. She dangled her car keys at me. “I wanna show you something,” she said excitedly.
“Okay,” I agreed, and the biggest teasing grin spread on her face.
Ally led me to the car and jumped in the driver's seat. Just as I went to slide in the passenger seat, I clocked a car parked in the distance. I frowned. I’d seen that black car round the city for the last couple of days.
“Axel?” Ally called from inside the car. I looked down at her frantically waving me in. Casting one more glance at the parked car, my chest lost tension when I saw it pulling out onto the road and away from the restaurant.
I sighed in relief and shook my head. I was being paranoid.
As I slipped in the car, Ally asked, “Everything okay?”
Taking her hand, I brought it to my lips, pressing a kiss on her smooth skin. “Fine.”
A short drive later, we arrived at the gallery. My heart started slamming my chest as soon as we pulled up and Ally put the car in park.
The exhibition was in a couple of days’ time and I knew she’d finished the design. I didn’t know why, but I’d been too chicken to come here of late, seeing everything done, seeing the exhibition fully designed.
I guess it just made all this change in my life that bit more real. Like I was finally gonna be leaving my past behind. I was still afraid to believe this life I was now living was true; like it would all be pulled out from under me the minute I let myself just be content. I had my sculpting, I had Ally, and now, because of tonight, I had both of my brothers back in my life.
I couldn’t bear to lose it all again.
“Querido, will you come with me?” Ally urged softly. Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and walked behind her to the staff entrance.
As we entered, the guard that was usually on duty waved at Ally, and as always, ducked his head from me. Ally looked back and playfully rolled her eyes making my lip hook into a grin. I fucking adored this woman.
As we approached the black curtains, I started as I looked up at the huge title hanging above the entrance, ‘Elpidio’. My stomach flipped with an unknown feeling as I saw my artist name drawn in a simple black script. Then I realized that the unknown feeling was excitement. I was fucking excited about the show.
Smelling Ally’s Jasmine scent, I glanced down to see her smiling up at me. But I could also see anxiety on her stunning face. She was nervous I wasn’t gonna like what lay on the other side of the curtains. That was impossible. She knew me better than I even knew myself. It would, no doubt, be perfect.
“You ready?” she asked.
“Ready,” I replied, and Ally drew the curtains apart to reveal the gallery, completely changed from the last time I’d seen it.
My feet began moving forward as my eyes drank in the space. It was… incredible… surreal… out and out fucking crazy that this was all for me.
My sculptures looked perfect at all the different heights. They were spread out so visitors would be able to see every part of them back and front.
“Well?” Ally asked anxiously.
Taking her hand in mine, I lifted it to my mouth and kissed along her warm skin. “Fuck, Ally,” was all I could think to say. Her responding smile almost knocked me on my ass.
“Can I guide you round? Can I take you on the journey?”
I frowned not understanding what she meant by 'the journey’. Ally, clearly seeing it on my face, began to lead me forward.
“I set the flow of the gallery out in a certain way, in themes. As you told me what each sculpture meant, and what inspired it, I put them in a certain order. I started with this piece first because it felt like the beginning to me.”
Ally brought us to the statue I made of us Carillo boys as kids. Austin and I were laid down, Austin pointing up at the sky, and in my arms, I held a baby—Levi. Beneath us was fire and faces screaming in pain… those faces belonged to my mamma, screaming from inside the trailer because of my papa as I tried to keep my brothers safe from his fists.
Ally pulled on my hand and next brought us to a marble stidda, a marble stidda the corners of which were choking a heart, it’s sharp edges drawing
I didn’t say anything, couldn’t, as we next moved to three brothers stood in a circle, heads down, the eldest brother gripping the necks of the younger two, dragging them alongside him.
“Then comes the demise of the boys from the beginning, the eldest leading them astray.”
My heart pierced with shame as Ally said that, but she was only repeating my words back to me. Next we came to my newest sculpture, the boy crying bullets. Ally stood next to me and said, “We need a title for this one, Axel. Any thoughts?”
I nodded my head as I stared at the boy’s face, too terrified to shoot. Levi’s words from today circled my mind, about how he had nightmares believing he’d killed someone.
“Hamartia,” I said gruffly. Ally looked up at me in confusion. “It means to sin, to do wrong, to miss the mark. It’s an event that happens to main characters in a story which ruins their lives or sets them along a path that can only ever end badly.”
“Axel…” Ally whispered sadly.
I looked to Ally and said, “You know the inspiration behind it. I don’t need to explain it, right?”
Ally nodded at me in understanding. We walked round the rest of my sculptures, each one more gutting than the last.
“So we start with fear, then despair, then sin, guilt, and finally… this…” Ally trailed off. I didn’t need to look up to know we were at the angel.
“Darlin’,” Ally said soothingly, her hand on my back, “we need a title, we need something for the text boards. It’s the last piece to talk about.”
Feelings I was no longer able to hold back surged forward, suffocating me. I gasped, my eyes squeezing shut as I tried to get my breath.
“Querido,” Ally whispered quietly and I pushed back my hair, opening my eyes.
“I can’t, Ally, I can’t talk about… her…” I said, my voice breaking on my last word.
Ally was suddenly before me, her hands gripping my wrist, forcing them from my face. “Baby,” she said quietly, “It’s time for you to face it. You need to talk about your mamma. It’s eating you alive.”