Sweet Hope by Tillie Cole
Lexi rushed forward and took Levi’s arms in her hands. “Levi, please…”
But Levi’s eyes were still set on me. The teen who’d come down those stairs looking for his cleats a minute ago, now looked every inch a true Carillo, every inch the ex-Heighter gang member, every inch the hard little shit I’d forced him to be.
Seeing the hatred he had for me now, when those light-gray eyes used to look at me with nothing but respect and love, destroyed me.
“Levi, look at me,” Lexi pushed again, but I took a deep breath and stepped forward, once again clashing gazes with my youngest brother.
“Lexi, it’s okay,” I said. Her head whipped round in my direction. I could see the panic and upset in her expression, but I flicked a glance to Austin and nodded my head. He returned the gesture.
Reaching forward, Austin took Lexi’s hand and pulled her to him, whispering something in her ear.
Sucking in a deep breath, I turned to Levi. “Lev, I know you’re pissed—”
“Pissed?” he snapped and moved closer still, his knuckles white from how tight his fists were clenched. “Pissed ain’t even close to what I’m feeling about you being here, in our home.” I watched him take a long breath. “You were meant to be away for another five years. You were never meant to come here.”
“He was always meant to come here, Lev. Once he got out, this was always gonna be Axel's home… with us,” Austin said from behind Levi, and Levi glanced back.
Austin reached out and put his hand on Levi’s shoulder. “He’s our brother, Levi. We’re here for him no matter what. We’re Carillos.”
I wanted to speak, tried to speak, but I knew if I opened my mouth, I’d break down like a pussy. Austin, that kid always had my back. Even now, after I’d cut off all contact for years, he acted as though we had nothing but good in our past.
Levi’s mouth tightened and a look of pure disgust set on his face. “Yeah, we have to be there for him?” He tried to step toward me, but Austin’s hand kept him back. It only seemed to piss Levi off more. “Tell me, Austin. Where was our brother after Porter OD’d and he ran away? Where was our brother when he left you to work next to Gio and sacrifice your degree? Where was our brother when our mamma was dying and we nearly lost Pix? And where was our brother when we scattered Mamma’s ashes in Firenze, the only place she’d ever called home?” Levi said the word “brother” like it meant shit to him, like I meant shit to him, and every time he called me out on my sins, it fucking killed me just that little bit more inside.
Why the fuck had I come back? What the hell was I thinking?
“Nah, Aust,” Levi said, curling his lip at me like I was a pile of shit he’d just stepped in. “He ain’t no brother of ours. He’s no Carillo… He’s just a fucking loser of an ex-con that’s going nowhere in life, and he’s come here to use you for money and to drag us back down too.”
Red faced, Levi batted off Austin’s hand, walked to a closet under the stairs to pick up a training bag, and without another glance, walked right out the front door, leaving Austin, Lexi, and me stunned in silence.
Lexi moved from Austin and ran to the door. “Levi! Wait!” I heard her shout from the driveway, but the sound of a car pulling away on gravel drowned her out, and she ran back in.
“Austin! We need to go after him.”
Austin ran a hand down his face and shook his head. “Nah, Pix, leave him. He needs to cool down.”
Watching Lexi wipe her eyes and Austin clearly stressed, I shook my head.
I shouldn’t be here.
Walking back toward the door, I headed outside, grabbing my bag off the floor.
“Axe, wait!” Austin shouted, and I reluctantly stopped, shoulders sagging. I just wanted to get the fuck away. I wasn’t welcome no more.
“Axe, what you doing?” Austin asked, coming to stand before me, blocking my path.
“Look, kid, I should have called first and said I got out. I shouldn’t have come here period… I just thought… Fuck, I don’t know… I didn’t think…”
“You thought your brothers would want to see you.”
Keeping my eyes to the ground, I nodded. “Yeah, I should’ve known better. I ruin your lives, don’t speak to you for years, then turn up five years earlier than I should’ve. I get it, kid, I do.”
Austin gripped the strap of my bag and picked it off the floor, causing me to look up. I went to argue, when he lifted his hand and cut me off.
“You get shit, Axe,” he said tightly and glanced back to Lexi, who threw him, then me, a watery smile. Fixing his dark eyes back on mine, he added, “Way I see it, you got out early for doing something good. The Axe I knew always had good in him. He just never made good choices.” Austin slung the bag over his shoulder and headed for the stairs, speaking as he went. “But you coming here straight from prison tells me you’re finally, for the first time in your life, thinking straight.”
Clawing my long hair back from my face, I watched Austin climb the stairs. “Austin, I can get somewhere else to stay. Lev made his feelings ‘bout me damn clear. I ain’t wanted. I don’t wanna be where I ain’t wanted.”
Austin stopped mid-step but kept his focus straightforward. He said nothing for about twenty seconds and the silence was fucking suffocating.
“I’ve missed you, Axe,” he finally said.
A lump clogged my throat as Austin’s voice cracked, and my eyes filled with tears.
“You’re my big brother, Axe. It was always me and you. Lev was too young to get it, but everything fell on you and me as kids… I love you. You’re my blood. And I don’t want you going anywhere without me again.”
Glancing away, unable to see Austin breaking, I suddenly felt Lexi next to me. When I glanced up the stairs, Austin had disappeared leaving his wife and me alone.
“He was crushed when you started refusing his visit requests a few years ago, never explaining the reason why….”
I snapped my head to my right only to see Lexi staring off after Austin, before looking back at me.
“He’s had so much to deal with: your mamma dying, the draft, moving to San Francisco.” Her eyes filled with tears and she wiped at her cheeks. “And me… He had a lot to cope with while I got help… while I got better, which wasn’t an easy road.” Lexi sniffed, laying her hand on my arm.
“Every day he talks about you. Every day he wonders what you’re doing, if you’re safe… if your mamma’s looking over you.”
“Lexi…” I whispered, trailing off as emotion dried my throat. I couldn’t handle imagining Austin taking all that on while I rotted in a damn cell, unable to do shit but wish away my life.
“And he’s been counting down the days ‘til your release so he could be there, at the prison gates, when you got out. He couldn’t wait to bring you home.”
I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled through my nose. “Fuck, Lexi… but Levi—”
“Is still struggling with your mamma’s death. He’s too quiet, keeps everything bottled up.”
“Yeah? Well, he had no problem making his feelings ‘bout me clear enough,” I replied.
“And that’s why you being here is a blessing.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion, and Lexi shrugged. “That’s the most passionate I’ve seen Levi since we were all back in Bama. Five years of keeping everything inside. You’ve just released something within him.”
“Hatred,” I said, feeling the truth of those words deep in my chest.
Lexi squeezed my hand and began to walk away, only looking back to say, “Love. Only the feeling of love would bring that out in Lev. I know him enough to know that. You only hurt the ones you love. I think you being here will force him to confront things he’s tried to bury deep. Having you here will make him have to confront his grief.”
Lexi walked toward the kitchen again, and I asked, “Hey, Lexi?”
She turned and smiled sadly.
“Why aren’t you kicking me out?” I ducked my head in embarrassment. “I threa
Lexi swallowed and I could see a flash of pure fear cross her face. “I know, Axel. I remember your threats just as much as you, and I remember the intent in your eyes as you did so. But I’m working on being stronger, and holding on to hatred will only keep me weak.” Her gaze drifted up the stairs again, where I could hear what sounded like closet doors opening and shutting. “And Austin loves you.”
I frowned.
Lexi noticed. “Austin puts me first. I’m everything to him. I have been for the longest time now. He’s my protector and refuses to let me relapse or be in any kind of danger.”
I stared in silence and Lexi blushed. I could see on her face how much she loved my brother. It made me feel uncomfortable. I’d never witnessed that kind of love before and knew one hundred percent that I could never be that important to anybody for as long as I lived.
Lexi sighed. “Axel, if Austin thought you were in any way a danger to me or Levi, you wouldn’t be standing here right now. My Austin trusts you, implicitly, and because I know that my husband will never let me fall, I trust you’ve changed too… I trust the Axel buried deep within you, which has Austin’s love, has finally broken his way to the surface.”
Lexi circled the wedding ring on her finger. Meeting my gaze, she flicked her chin to the upstairs direction. “You better get upstairs and tell him you’re staying. By the sounds of it, he’s already unpacked for you. He’s been saving you a bedroom since we moved in.”
Lexi disappeared into the kitchen and I stayed in the entranceway on my own for a while. Her words ran through my head, and before I even realized it, I was walking up the long spiral staircase and came to a huge hallway with doors leading off in all directions.
Following the hallway to the sound of drawers being pulled open, I couldn’t help but look at the photographs lining the walls: Austin at the draft, dressed in a suit, holding his 49ers shirt, then him this summer signing here at the Seahawks. Levi graduating high school, his stidda missing from his cheek. I felt both a mixture of shame and pride at that. Ashamed he’d ever earned one in the first place, but proud it wasn’t the guy he was now.
I walked farther toward the room, but a picture at the end, bigger than all the rest, made me freeze in my steps.
Mamma.
Mamma, around the same age as Levi was now, singing on stage in Verona.
I don’t know how long I stood there, but when my beard was wet with tears and my feet had grown numb, I knew it’d been a while.
Gutting shame filled my stomach and it almost brought me to my knees.
I’d failed my mamma. She’d asked me—no, begged—me to get straight, save my brothers. Instead, I’d condemned them to gang life while she was trapped on her bed with ALS unable to do anything about it. They’d shot people, dealt drugs… and I’d cheered them on all the way.
“It’s my favorite,” Austin spoke from behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look away from my mamma’s smiling face.
“It was kept in a trunk she had under her bed. I never knew about it. This one, pictures of our grandparents we never met.” Austin paused and came to stand at my side. “Pictures of us all as kids… so many damn pictures.”
I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t.
“She knew you loved her,” Austin said in a hoarse voice as if he knew what was killing me inside.
I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t take any more pain… I couldn’t take speaking of my mamma, looking at her so young and healthy, when my last memory of her was caged in her broken body on her tiny, shitty bed. So I wiped my eyes and turned to Austin.
He looked every bit as broken as I felt.
I opened my mouth to speak, when he cut me off. “You’re staying, Axe. I ain’t letting you leave.”
All I could do was nod.
Sighing deep, I slung my arm around Austin’s neck, and he led me to the biggest bedroom I’d ever seen. I was used to a claustrophobic six-by-eight foot cell. This was a dream.
“Y’all are unpacked.”
“Thanks, kid,” I said quietly as I walked to the window, a window that overlooked a still and silent Lake.
I could feel Austin hovering at the door, could feel his stare on my back. “Just ask, Austin,” I said, not turning around.
I heard the floorboard creak. “Just… just wondering what your plans are, you know, here in Seattle?”
I huffed a silent laugh to myself. What the hell would he say if I told him the real reason I was in Seattle?
“It’s arranged that I’ll be working in some fish market by the waterfront.” I shrugged. “Conditions of my parole. Start tomorrow.”
My kid brother sighed in relief. “I’m proud of you, Axe,” he said, and I could hear the sincerity in his voice. “I’ve still got your old El Camino in my garage. When I moved, I couldn’t bear to see it go. Had it tuned up, repainted and reupholstered.”
My heart dropped knowing he’d done that to my old car. A car, back in the day, I probably looked after more than my family.
When I turned round to thank him, he was gone. As I stared out the window again, I caught sight of the Husky football stadium in the distance and thought back to Levi…
He ain’t no brother of ours. He’s no Carillo. He’s just a fucking loser of an ex-con that’s going nowhere in life, and he’s come here to use you for money and to drag us down too.
There was no fucking hope.
Chapter five
Ally
One week later…
Wiping my brow, I sat, staring at the final wooden crate I’d just opened. It stored the last of the Elpidio sculptures shipped up for the show.
I held my breath as I gently removed the protective packages to reveal the single piece of marble that just destroyed me every time I saw it in a magazine or picture. And that one time I flew miles to see it up close.
As the foam packaging slowly gave way to a smooth white marble, tears filled my eyes. I was actually seeing it in the flesh again. In actuality. In all its devastating perfection.
As I cast a glance to my watch, I saw it was fifteen minutes past midnight. I’d been here all day, trying to place the sculptures in their correct positions to test the flow of the exhibit.
The theme of the show was proving difficult to design. I felt like there was a pattern, a natural story to the sculptures, but I’d yet to work them out. I wasn’t sure I could do so without some input from the artist himself.
Catching movement from the corner of my eye, I saw Christoph, the night security guard, doing his rounds.
Getting to my feet, Christoph jumped back in shock. “Ms. Lucia, you nearly gave me a heart attack! I didn’t see you down there.”
“I’m sorry!” I said apologetically. “I’m trying to get the final piece free from its packaging so I can position them correctly tomorrow. It's made from marble and incredibly tall, so…”
Christoph smiled, and came to help me. In just a few minutes we had the wooden crate removed and the packaging dispensed of. As the sculpture was revealed, we both stepped back, and my hand flew to my mouth at the view.
This piece was flawless.
For minutes, all I could do was stare… stare at the six-foot high double-sided white angel, this side’s hands reaching out like she was pleading. She held a pile of black ashes in her palms. I knew from my research that what I was looking at now was the broken side of the angel.
Her wings were fraying and clipped and her beautiful face was contorted in pain… no, agony. Her body was curled inward, almost like she was struggling to stand straight. What should be a beautiful dress was ripped and torn, sullied with patches of dirt. Her hair was stringy and limp, hanging haphazardly to the middle of her back, and the desolate look in her unnatural
It shattered my heart. It was as though this sculpture had a soul, projecting every emotion the artist felt when he painstakingly carved each curve and expression on the angel’s face. I could feel the wracking pain, the inner torture of the broken angel running through my blood.
No picture I had ever seen did this piece justice. To witness it in reality was like being given a gift from heaven itself.
Taking a deep breath, I slowly moved my feet and made my way to the other side, where my emotions completely took hold and tears began pouring down my cheeks.
This angel was stunningly beautiful, a complete contrast to her alter ego. This angel’s body was standing straight, full with curves and good health, draped in a pristine Roman-style dress. Her serene smiling face was tipped high to the sky, her thick long hair falling to her waist. I could feel the sensation of the hot sun kissing her cheeks, the warmth enveloping her body like an embrace. Her delicate hands were held up like she was taking flight, her angel wings spread wide. The black ashes that her alter ego held out so desperately, in this formation, were scattered to the ground.
She was breaking free.
My heart beat faster and faster with every passing minute. I was unsure how long I stood there, held in this statue's thrall.
Shaking myself from my trance, I wiped at my eyes and laughed at the extent this sculpture ripped me apart. “Sorry, Christoph, I get a little too emotional with Elpidio’s work at times—”
I glanced around the unnamed sculpture, only to see the gallery completely empty, the sounds of my sniffling laughter echoing off the domed glass ceiling.
Laughing again at how I must have scared Christoph away, I ran my hands through my messy ponytail and slapped at my cheeks. I needed to get home. Exhaustion was making me crazy.
Wistfully casting the sculpture one last glance, I made my way to the bathroom to splash water on my face. As I stared in the bathroom mirror’s reflection, my heart soared that I was in this position. I was completely and utterly enthralled by this exhibition.