The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens
CHAPTER XVII. SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME CASES, ACTSAS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS
The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a veryconsiderable amount of exertion and fatigue, was not proof against sucha combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night,recorded in the last chapter. The process of being washed in the nightair, and rough-dried in a closet, is as dangerous as it is peculiar. Mr.Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism.
But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired, hismental energies retained their pristine vigour. His spirits wereelastic; his good-humour was restored. Even the vexation consequent uponhis recent adventure had vanished from his mind; and he could join inthe hearty laughter, which any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle,without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two daysMr. Pickwick was confined to bed, Sam was his constant attendant. On thefirst, he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote and conversation;on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his writing-desk, and pen and ink,and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On the third, being able tosit up in his bedchamber, he despatched his valet with a message to Mr.Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if they would take their winethere, that evening, they would greatly oblige him. The invitation wasmost willingly accepted; and when they were seated over their wine, Mr.Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced the following little tale, ashaving been 'edited' by himself, during his recent indisposition, fromhis notes of Mr. Weller's unsophisticated recital.
THE PARISH CLERK A TALE OF TRUE LOVE
'Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerabledistance from London, there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin,who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a little housein the little High Street, within ten minutes' walk from the littlechurch; and who was to be found every day, from nine till four, teachinga little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was a harmless,inoffensive, good-natured being, with a turned-up nose, and ratherturned-in legs, a cast in his eye, and a halt in his gait; and hedivided his time between the church and his school, verily believingthat there existed not, on the face of the earth, so clever a man as thecurate, so imposing an apartment as the vestry-room, or so well-ordereda seminary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life, NathanielPipkin had seen a bishop--a real bishop, with his arms in lawn sleeves,and his head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heard him talk, at aconfirmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin was soovercome with reverence and awe, when the aforesaid bishop laid his handon his head, that he fainted right clean away, and was borne out ofchurch in the arms of the beadle.
'This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin's life,and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smoothcurrent of his quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon, in afit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from the slate on which hewas devising some tremendous problem in compound addition for anoffending urchin to solve, they suddenly rested on the bloomingcountenance of Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the greatsaddler over the way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on thepretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church andelsewhere; but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright, thecheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as upon this particularoccasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable to take hiseyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs; no wonder that Miss Lobbs,finding herself stared at by a young man, withdrew her head from thewindow out of which she had been peeping, and shut the casement andpulled down the blind; no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin, immediatelythereafter, fell upon the young urchin who had previously offended, andcuffed and knocked him about to his heart's content. All this was verynatural, and there's nothing at all to wonder at about it.
'It _is_ matter of wonder, though, that anyone of Mr. Nathaniel Pipkin'sretiring disposition, nervous temperament, and most particularlydiminutive income, should from this day forth, have dared to aspire tothe hand and heart of the only daughter of the fiery old Lobbs--of oldLobbs, the great saddler, who could have bought up the whole village atone stroke of his pen, and never felt the outlay--old Lobbs, who waswell known to have heaps of money, invested in the bank at the nearestmarket town--who was reported to have countless and inexhaustibletreasures hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big keyhole, overthe chimney-piece in the back parlour--and who, it was well known, onfestive occasions garnished his board with a real silver teapot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, toboast should be his daughter's property when she found a man to hermind. I repeat it, to be matter of profound astonishment and intensewonder, that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast hiseyes in this direction. But love is blind; and Nathaniel had a cast inhis eye; and perhaps these two circumstances, taken together, preventedhis seeing the matter in its proper light.
'Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea ofthe state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would just haverazed the school-room to the ground, or exterminated its master from thesurface of the earth, or committed some other outrage and atrocity of anequally ferocious and violent description; for he was a terrible oldfellow, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his blood was up.Swear! Such trains of oaths would come rolling and pealing over the way,sometimes, when he was denouncing the idleness of the bony apprenticewith the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his shoes withhorror, and the hair of the pupils' heads would stand on end withfright.
'Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils gone, didNathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window, and, while hefeigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over the way insearch of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he hadn't sat there manydays, before the bright eyes appeared at an upper window, apparentlydeeply engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and gladdening tothe heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. It was something to sit there for hourstogether, and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were cast down;but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, and darttheir rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight andadmiration were perfectly boundless. At last, one day when he knew oldLobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand toMaria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, instead of shutting the window, andpulling down the blind, kissed _hers _to him, and smiled. Upon whichNathaniel Pipkin determined, that, come what might, he would develop thestate of his feelings, without further delay.
'A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a smarter form,never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced, as did those ofMaria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a roguish twinkle inher sparkling eyes, that would have made its way to far less susceptiblebosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was such a joyous soundin her merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope must have smiled tohear it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height of his ferocity,couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; and when she, andher cousin Kate--an arch, impudent-looking, bewitching little person--made a dead set upon the old man together, as, to say the truth, theyvery often did, he could have refused them nothing, even had they askedfor a portion of the countless and inexhaustible treasures, which werehidden from the light, in the iron safe.
'Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw thisenticing little couple some hundred yards before him one summer'sevening, in the very field in which he had many a time strolled abouttill night-time, and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. But thoughhe had often thought then, how briskly he would walk up to Maria Lobbsand tell her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt, now thatshe was unexpectedly before him, all the blood in his body mounting tohis face, manifestly to the great detriment of his legs, which, deprivedof their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When they stopped togather a hedge flower, or listen to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkin stoppedtoo, and pretended to be a
The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old graypony, and after a great many signs at the window from the wicked littlecousin, the object and meaning of which he could by no means understand,the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to say that his masterwasn't coming home all night, and that the ladies expected Mr. Pipkin totea, at six o'clock precisely. How the lessons were got through thatday, neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you do;but they were got through somehow, and, after the boys had gone,Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock to dress himself to hissatisfaction. Not that it took long to select the garments he shouldwear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter; but the putting ofthem on to the best advantage, and the touching of them up previously,was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty or importance.
'There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs and hercousin Kate, and three or four romping, good-humoured, rosy-cheekedgirls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact, that therumours of old Lobbs's treasures were not exaggerated. There were thereal solid silver teapot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, on the table, andreal silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real china cups to drink itout of, and plates of the same, to hold the cakes and toast in. The onlyeye-sore in the whole place was another cousin of Maria Lobbs's, and abrother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called "Henry," and who seemed to keepMaria Lobbs all to himself, up in one corner of the table. It's adelightful thing to see affection in families, but it may be carriedrather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help thinking that MariaLobbs must be very particularly fond of her relations, if she paid asmuch attention to all of them as to this individual cousin. After tea,too, when the wicked little cousin proposed a game at blind man's buff,it somehow or other happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly alwaysblind, and whenever he laid his hand upon the male cousin, he was sureto find that Maria Lobbs was not far off. And though the wicked littlecousin and the other girls pinched him, and pulled his hair, and pushedchairs in his way, and all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs never seemed tocome near him at all; and once--once--Nathaniel Pipkin could have swornhe heard the sound of a kiss, followed by a faint remonstrance fromMaria Lobbs, and a half-suppressed laugh from her female friends. Allthis was odd--very odd--and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkinmight or might not have done, in consequence, if his thoughts had notbeen suddenly directed into a new channel.
'The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was aloud knocking at the street door, and the person who made this loudknocking at the street door was no other than old Lobbs himself, who hadunexpectedly returned, and was hammering away, like a coffin-maker; forhe wanted his supper. The alarming intelligence was no soonercommunicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than the girlstripped upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bedroom, and the male cousin andNathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the sitting-room, for want of any better places of concealment; and when Maria Lobbsand the wicked little cousin had stowed them away, and put the room torights, they opened the street door to old Lobbs, who had never left offknocking since he first began.
'Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very hungry wasmonstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like anold mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfortunate apprenticewith the thin legs came into the room, so surely did old Lobbs commenceswearing at him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner, thoughapparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosom bythe discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper, whichhad been warming up, was placed on the table, and then old Lobbs fellto, in regular style; and having made clear work of it in no time,kissed his daughter, and demanded his pipe.
'Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very close juxtaposition,but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe, they knocked together, asif they were going to reduce each other to powder; for, depending from acouple of hooks, in the very closet in which he stood, was a large,brown-stemmed, silver-bowled pipe, which pipe he himself had seen in themouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon and evening, for the lastfive years. The two girls went downstairs for the pipe, and upstairs forthe pipe, and everywhere but where they knew the pipe was, and old Lobbsstormed away meanwhile, in the most wonderful manner. At last he thoughtof the closet, and walked up to it. It was of no use a little man likeNathaniel Pipkin pulling the door inwards, when a great strong fellowlike old Lobbs was pulling it outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, andopen it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside,and shaking with apprehension from head to foot. Bless us! what anappalling look old Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the collar,and held him at arm's length.
'"Why, what the devil do you want here?" said old Lobbs, in a fearfulvoice.
'Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook him backwardsand forwards, for two or three minutes, by way of arranging his ideasfor him.
'"What do you want here?" roared Lobbs; "I suppose you have come aftermy daughter, now!"
'Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe thatmortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What washis indignation, when that poor man replied--
'"Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs, I did come after your daughter. I love her, Mr.Lobbs."
'"Why, you snivelling, wry-faced, puny villain," gasped old Lobbs,paralysed by the atrocious confession; "what do you mean by that? Saythis to my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!"
'It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried histhreat into execution, in the excess of his rage, if his arm had notbeen stayed by a very unexpected apparition: to wit, the male cousin,who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up to old Lobbs, said--
'"I cannot allow this harmless person, Sir, who has been asked here, insome girlish frolic, to take upon himself, in a very noble manner, thefault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to avow. Ilove your daughter, sir; and I came here for the purpose of meetingher."
'Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider thanNathaniel Pipkin.
'"You did?" said Lobbs, at last finding breath to speak.
'"I did."
'"And I forbade you this house, long ago."
'"You did, or I should not have been here, clandestinely, to-night."
'I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would have struckthe
'"Don't stop him, Maria," said the young man; "if he has the will tostrike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair of his gray head, for theriches of the world."
'The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met those ofhis daughter. I have hinted once or twice before, that they were verybright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influence was byno means lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head away, as if to avoid beingpersuaded by them, when, as fortune would have it, he encountered theface of the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother, andhalf laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an expressionof countenance, with a touch of slyness in it, too, as any man, old oryoung, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly through the old man's,and whispered something in his ear; and do what he would, old Lobbscouldn't help breaking out into a smile, while a tear stole down hischeek at the same time.
'Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from the bedroomwith a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while the young peoplewere making themselves perfectly happy, old Lobbs got down the pipe, andsmoked it; and it was a remarkable circumstance about that particularpipe of tobacco, that it was the most soothing and delightful one heever smoked.
'Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and by sodoing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs, who taught him tosmoke in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the fineevenings, for many years afterwards, smoking and drinking in greatstate. He soon recovered the effects of his attachment, for we find hisname in the parish register, as a witness to the marriage of Maria Lobbsto her cousin; and it also appears, by reference to other documents,that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in the villagecage, for having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committed sundryexcesses in the streets, in all of which he was aided and abetted by thebony apprentice with the thin legs.'