The Rainbow Maker's Tale by Melanie Cusick-Jones
Chapter 7
It had been another very long day at The Clinic. In all honesty I was unsure how much longer I could survive the daily onslaught on Olivia’s one-sided conversations, whilst having to be mindful of dumbing myself down in her company, so that it did not appear out of place that I was on the extended rotation. Nearly two weeks on from my initial decision to join Cassie on her placement at The Clinic and I was still only managing to see her for a short while at lunch and sometimes at either end of the day, if I was lucky enough to get the timings right.
That’s why I currently found myself racing along the near-empty ninth floor corridor towards the bank of lifts at the end. Medic Levi had sent Olivia on an errand elsewhere in The Clinic a short while ago, which provided me the opportunity to complete the tasks in the lab at my normal pace. Naturally, I’d finished well before the allocated hour was up and so – slightly surprised by my unusually quick work – he’d allowed me to leave early as there was nothing else on our schedule for that day. Without Olivia’s presence to slow down my work, or commandeer my attention as an audience to her latest monologue, I was virtually skipping out the door, guaranteed to be in time to see Cassie.
Making a swift detour via the dressing room to collect my bag, I didn’t bother to change back into my day-suit from the clinic whites, intent on not wasting a second of the short time I would have with Cassie before her father appeared to walk home with her. I was at the entrance to The Clinic, ready to wait for her, half a minute later.
But, Cassie was already there when I appeared by the doorway. Even with my early finish she’d still managed to get away before me. Grudgingly I had to acknowledge that she and Joel worked well together: they were always the first pair to complete any of the joint tasks we were given. Slightly arrogantly I thought that if I was working at my normal rate I would have been able to finish similarly to them, but that never happened because of Olivia’s permanent presence by my side. I cast my mind back to the first day of the placement and recalled Joel’s comments about “not being the best at science.” Perhaps he and Cassie were more alike than I thought, and were both more modest about their skills than necessary. I liked this idea. It explained their regular success and – for me – was much more palatable than concluding that the pair of them together made a good team.
“Hi there,” I called cheerfully as I ambled toward Cassie. At the sound of my voice she turned around, a bright smile filling her face. The mid-afternoon light bounced off the overhead mirrors illuminating warm, golden highlights in her dark hair. As I drew closer I looked for the familiar green sparkle of her eyes and was not disappointed when her gaze met mine.
All of the casual conversation openings I’d been practising in my head, as I trudged through the basic tasks in the lab, were instantly forgotten when I saw Cassie.
“Beautiful,” I murmured to myself, realising a moment too late that I had not been quiet enough that she wouldn’t hear me, now that I was so close.
“Pardon?” Cassie’s expression was a perfect combination of surprise and bemusement as the single-word question fell from her lips.
What could I say? Cassie had heard what I’d said, it was obvious from her face. How had I let one word from my head slip out of my mouth like that? As soon as I’d spoken I wanted to take it back but couldn’t. I’d not even given Cassie the chance to say “hello” and I was already being stupid.
What could I say?
My mind, very unhelpfully, was completely blank, and so I was left with no choice but to repeat what I’d said originally.
“Beautiful.” I muttered my inadvertent admission more loudly this time; looking away from Cassie’s face with embarrassment and staring into the middle-distance. Deep breath…clear throat…“I meant to say that you look beautiful today.”
My intestines cringed into a tiny ball as I explained myself. The attempt I made at a dismissive shrug – to lighten the mood that had settled over us – was laughable. I still wanted to take back what I’d said but there was no way that I could that now and so I blushed.
Blushed!
I couldn’t believe it as I felt the crimson heat rise on my cheeks. There was nothing to stop Cassie seeing it and that only made me blush even more. Then it hit me: a sudden realisation – something a hundred times worse than the redness blossoming on my face – I was in love with her.
Love. At least I was starting to love her. I should have realised this before now! I might have done if I’d been paying attention, but I hadn’t been and now it was too late. When had our relationship stopped being about my plans to get out of the Family Quarter and started being something else?
Idiot! I laughed at myself for being so blind, so ignorant. Had this – whatever it was – ever really been about my plans? Had there been any point, since the day I first spoke to Cassie that I had focused on her only as a source of information?
No. There had always been something more; I just pretended not to see it.
Ambushed by my emotions, I now found myself caught up in an unexpected whirlwind of confusion, embarrassment, hope and excitement… Was this love? Is this how it felt when you loved someone? A thousand thoughts and impressions a second, with no time or ability to focus on a single one, because the only thing I could see was her.
Cassie.
Whatever else I knew or wanted, would now – and always – be overshadowed by her. In my own head, this sounded extreme, but at the same time, I knew it was true. The centre of my world had shifted in what felt like a single second and I realised it was too late for me. There was no way back from here.
“Thanks,” Cassie’s shy sounding voice startled me from the reverie I’d fallen into. My eyes were lured back to her face as she spoke and I saw an embarrassed but happy smile playing about her lips. Something in my chest leapt: hope surged without me understanding why. All I could think was that Cassie didn’t appear offended by my admission – even if I was mortified by what those few small words actually meant.
“No problem,” I replied weakly, unable to think of something better to say but feeling compelled to respond all the same.
At this point, my brain suddenly kicked into gear and I realised that we were surrounded by a range of things I could have noted as being beautiful to cover my mistake. It was a bright and lovely day – as always – I could have said the day was beautiful, although I had a sneaking suspicion that Cassie would have sensed the lie if I’d said that, given my usual preoccupation with authenticity. But, there was a park across the street, where a rainbow of colourful flowers were in bloom, peeping their heads through the fake iron work railings. They might have covered my stupidity if I’d noticed them a minute ago.
Well, that was great timing. Only a minute too late to be of any use. I was such a bad liar when I was around Cassie, it was laughable.
I grasped for a change of subject, to distract myself from the revelations of the last few seconds. “I’ve been in the labs all day today, it’s nice to get some fresh air. Where’ve you been this afternoon?”
Cassie didn’t appear troubled by my abrupt switch and answered me readily. “Joel and I were in the fracture clinic again, working on some new techniques for setting smaller breaks.”
“What does that entail?” I asked, hoping to get her onto a subject that she could talk about without my input for at least a few minutes whilst I gathered my disturbed thoughts. Thankfully, she was able to explain in detail about the new processes and I was easily distracted, whilst not appearing rude by not speaking.
Cassie was in the middle of describing how they had fitted a partial cast on a little girl’s wrist when her father appeared. He nodded to himself when he saw us waiting, almost as though he knew that we would both be there. Perhaps others were more aware of my feelings than I had been myself. I shuddered. It was an unnerving sensation for someone like me, who prided myself on being logical and in control, to think that others would see things about me that I was blind to.
Cassie stopped speaking as her father approached us.
“I have some things I want to finish before I leave tonight.” He seemed a little distracted, barely looking at Cassie as he spoke. “You two should go on ahead.”
When I looked to Cassie for her response, I noticed that she appeared self-conscious now that her father was here. Not understanding why – I was still too preoccupied with my own issues – but not wanting to be impolite, I turned away slightly to give them some privacy.
A moment later I sensed that their conversation was over and Cassie moved to leave. Very helpfully her father had extended an invitation to me to spend the rest of the afternoon with her, something I’d so far not had the nerve to ask for myself. Perhaps parents weren’t so bad after all, I mused vaguely, before qualifying that thought. When they’re not lying to your face that is!
I was about to follow Cassie when her father spoke again, pointing upwards. “You might as well make the most of it, it’s a nice day.”
My eyes followed his finger, taking in the sky above us. What a pointless observation? There were no seasons on the station; no change to how the light filtered down from the mirrors above us day after day. It was the same, day in day out.
“Isn’t it always?” I asked, automatically voicing my thoughts aloud, without pausing to fully edit the sarcasm from my voice. I didn’t even stop to think that I’d considered saying something similar myself only a few minutes earlier.
In an attempt to cover over this mistake I smiled at him. It was a little too bright. Cassie saw straight through me. Her father smiled politely in response, but his eyes told me that he’d understood something of the meaning behind my words.
Nothing was said. We all turned away, moving off on our own particular paths: Cassie walked away from The Clinic, her father went back to work, and I trailed close behind her, hoping that I might still get to spend the afternoon with her, despite my almost declaration of love and insulting her father. When I looked at it like that, it had not been the best five minutes of our friendship.
Cassie stalked away from me at speed. The Clinic disappeared behind us as I followed her into the nice afternoon. I overheard her huff in irritation as I caught up, and knew at once that she was angry with me. My only option was to wait for her to vent. It didn’t take long.
“Were you being rude then?” Cassie’s words were clipped and she stopped abruptly, in the centre of the plaza. Her subdued tone indicated I should be wary.
I stopped too, twisting my body around to face her. My first instinct was to play dumb; after all I’d gotten a lot of practice at that in the past few days working with Olivia. But, I knew there was no way Cassie was going to fall for that. It was better to be honest.
“Why do you ask that?” I tried stalling for time.
“I thought – you looked like you were being sarcastic when Father wished us a nice afternoon.” She was still angry, but had to pause when she was thinking how to articulate the reason why she was mad. I hoped it might help her to calm down.
“Can you look sarcastic?” It was nit-picking to notice, but I couldn’t help pointing out the muddle in her words. Of course, I was still stalling as well. Cassie’s answering scowl indicated that she was not impressed with this tact. I needed a new approach. “OK, look I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be rude. It is a nice day – as it always is on the station, seeing as the light never changes day in day out. That was what I meant.”
Cassie was determined to avoid my gaze. I searched for her eyes insistently until reluctantly she looked at me. I tried to let my sincerity show in my face as I half-apologised. “I don’t want to argue with you, can’t we just walk?”
After a few more seconds, I sensed her anger ebbing away. It seemed she didn’t really want to argue with me either. Finally, she nodded once in acceptance of my apology.
As she began walking again – more slowly this time – Cassie allowed me to fall back into step alongside. I sensed that she still felt some frustration with my behaviour and so I gave her space for silent thought as we wandered. More importantly, it gave me the chance to focus on my own concerns: the revelation of my true feelings for Cassie.
What could I do?
Now that I knew how I really felt, was there anything I could do? It didn’t feel like it. I knew what I should do: I should turn and walk away from Cassie, right now. But, I wouldn’t do that.
Why had I let this happen? My friendship with Cassie was supposed to be about information – nothing more.
Was I allowing my heart to rule my head?
No – my heart wasn’t ruling my head. Grim realisation swallowed me: my head was in full agreement with my heart and was even trying to help it with excuses to pursue this unhealthy friendship.
So much for my sensible and logical side!
How had things become so complicated? I was sensibly logical and had one objective: to get out of the Family Quarter and find out the truth of why we were living as we were.
Maybe ‘confusing’ was the only way this could be? I was only human after all.
Even though I was always striving for the rational answer; searching for reasons and explanations for everything around me. There was no coherent rationale for how I felt about Cassie…but should there be? Love was not supposed to be scientific.
If that was the answer, then it left me with a new problem. How could I reconcile these two opposing desires in my life?
Ever since I’d realised that there was something amiss with life on the space station, I’d vowed to myself that I would find out what that was. I was so close now to actually carrying out that promise. Could I let go of the obsession that had changed my life?
The strange incident with Scarlett had haunted my childhood, and driven me away from others ever since. As I had watched from the shadows since then, I became convinced that everyone else was complicit in whatever was being hidden from us. Even if it was only through blind acceptance – they were still allowing this system to work.
I hated that we were being lied to.
I hated that we were being watched and tracked during our daily lives.
What purpose could any of this possibly have, and why did it seem like I was the only person who even noticed what was happening?
To add to all these issues, I now had a new dilemma. I peeked sideways at Cassie. She was still there…still beautiful…still intriguing… Why did she bother with me?
It hurt to ask the question because undoubtedly I was in love with her. I knew why I was here right now, but why was she here? She was more patient with me than I should expect – certainly more than I deserved – and seemed genuinely interested in my odd observations and negative attitude towards the station: why would anyone in our society be like that?
Maybe Cassie was part of the lie too.
Just thinking this brought a sickening lump into my throat. I swallowed thickly, forcing it away as I turned over the idea in my mind. It seemed excessive, that whoever was responsible for controlling the lies we lived within, would actually involve someone like Cassie to distract or monitor me; even if they were aware of what I was planning – which I was confident they did not.
But then, what did I know really?
I’d seen a girl come back to life nine years ago, only to disappear right before my eyes – I had discovered hidden circuits inside viewing screens, that triggered specifically to record our private movements and conversations – I’d found pieces of metal and other unknown substances in Father’s study that he should not have access to, if he only worked inside the Family Quarter.
OK. So, I knew lots of things – it was just that every truth I discovered led to more questions.
Looking at it this way, the only thing I really knew was that anything was possible. And so, back to Cassie: was she part of the deception, just a friend, or something else…? It was time to find out.
“Have you ever been to Park 42?” I blurted out the questio
“Remind me which one that is?” Her eyes scrunched in concentration as she tried to work out where I meant.
Under normal circumstances I might have found that distractingly cute. Not today. Today there would be no more distractions. I wanted – no, needed – answers.
“It’s the park with the post-glacial landscape over by the boundary to the Married Quarter,” I replied. Adding silently: “It’s big, usually empty and will give us the perfect place for us to talk in private (just in case you think I’m a raving lunatic).” With no viewing screens close enough to pick up our conversation, I knew I could deny everything if Cassie told someone. There would be no evidence and I could either discount Cassie as a threat or distance myself from her – if I had to.
“Oh right,” she remembered, smiling slightly at some unknown thought. “Are you feeling adventurous this afternoon?”
Her question took me by surprise. I wasn’t sure why she would think – or ask – that, there was no obvious link I could see. Maybe she meant something else? My mind coloured the tone of her words in a new way.
“Why, are you?” I infused my words with enough mischief to indicate something else…perhaps.
It had some effect at least. A pale pink blush rose immediately on Cassie’s cheeks. I saw it for only a second before she turned away to look across the square, in an attempt to disguise her embarrassment. My heart soared uncontrollably as I interpreted her reaction positively, then I noticed a frown creasing her brow and my flight stuttered.
“So are you?” I repeated, sounding nervous.
So much for my plan of exposing her true motivation for our friendship!
The realisation of how desperate I sounded irritated me, but I couldn’t help it. A part of me needed to know what she was thinking.
Cassie shook her head, as though scattering unwanted thoughts from her mind.
“I only meant that I had heard the walks in that park are quite demanding,” she said.
“I’m sure you’ll be able to keep up with me.”
“Don’t worry about me,” she replied, her tone coolly confident. “I’ll do my best.”
“Great!” I was pleased by her sudden conviction and began leading the way across the square towards the Red Residential Zone. My fingers twitched minutely, wanting to reach out and take hold of Cassie’s hand as I guided her away, but I could not do that.
We strolled through the peaceful residential streets in an amiable silence. In my head I was busily finalising my plans for working out what Cassie’s role in my life was, and it was only when I had settled on a strategy that I became conscious of her quiet thoughtfulness.
“You do that a lot you know?” I remarked, turning to look at her more fully. She glanced up, an apologetic smile instantly on her face. I expected her to say something, but after another few seconds it seemed she was losing herself in thought once more. “You’re doing it again!” I laughed, pointing out the obvious.
“Doing what?” Cassie asked in mock-confusion. She knew exactly what I meant.
“Floating off into your own little world. You keep making me wonder where you go.”
“Sorry – I don’t mean to be rude – does it bother you?” Her expression was contrite and she seemed worried that she might have offended me.
“It’s not rude,” I reassured her. “I’m just interested to see where your thoughts take you.”
For a moment it seemed she was going to blush, which ignited my curiosity immeasurably at what might have been occupying her thoughts. Then her face cleared, and when she spoke I was surprised by her answer.
“I was thinking about a friend of Ami’s who just eloped.” Her tone was dismissive and I waited for the flippant shrug of the shoulders that would normally accompany such a statement. It would confirm that there was a more significant point behind her words. There was no shrug, but I still felt sure that there was something more.
“Oh?” I prompted, barely uttering the question, hoping to draw out more without distracting her.
It worked. Cassie paused for a few seconds, her eyes focused in concentration, before she began telling me about Ami and her reaction to a friend’s elopement a few weeks earlier. I felt halfway normal, like Cassie might actually view me as a friend, as I listened to the story and her observations. Unfortunately, her words reminded me of my own problems with the Married Quarter and people eloping.