Yolo by Lauren Myracle
mad maddie:
and hello, ladies! I might pop in and out of convo cuz I’m in class, altho it is very much class-according-to-Santa-Cruz.
mad maddie:
prof had us meet outside, so I’m typing from under a zillion hundred-year-old redwoods. when I look up, all I can see are pockets of sky. I am a tiny little ant, and the world is insanely big.
zoegirl:
what class?
mad maddie:
intro to philosophy. we’re all just kind of . . . philosophizing.
SnowAngel:
so how *are* things b/w you and Ian? has the long-distance thing been hard for y’all at all?
mad maddie:
r u insane? of course. I miss Ian all the time, I think about him all the time, I want to be with him all the time.
zoegirl:
except when you are doing the cool things you do with Zara and the Esbees, right? your life is totally an adventure, and for the record, I am continually trying to be more like you.
mad maddie:
well . . . thx, I guess.
zoegirl:
I’m trying to get out there more, and it’s kind of working, but I seriously would like to know how you and Ian are holding so strong.
mad maddie:
we Skype a lot. we study together when we can, and we try to always have a face-to-face goodnight, even if I have to take my laptop into the lounge for privacy.
zoegirl:
Doug and I Skype, but not that much.
mad maddie:
Ian wears honest-to-god pajamas, btw. striped ones with pants and a button-up pajama shirt. he says the guys on his hall give him hell.
SnowAngel:
I bet! but I’m sure he looks super-cute.
mad maddie:
he wears them ironically. for the record.
zoegirl:
maybe I need to Skype with Doug more.
zoegirl:
maybe I need to buy him pajamas . . .
SnowAngel:
*lifts eyebrows*
SnowAngel:
Skype away, but it wld be creepy to try to turn Doug into Ian.
zoegirl:
I didn’t mean it like that.
zoegirl:
GROAN
mad maddie:
hey. don’t worry about any of that when yr with Doug tonight. just relax and enjoy!!!
Fri, Oct 4, 7:30 PM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
ladies!
SnowAngel:
THE WEEK OF CHEESE AND BREAD IS OVER!
SnowAngel:
raise yr glasses for me. No. More. Cheese!
Sat, Oct 5, 12:01 PM P.D.T.
mad maddie:
I am here to tell u that there truly are banana slugs all over UCSC’s campus. u heard it here first, lady.
SnowAngel:
yay!
SnowAngel:
banana slugs are UCSC’s mascot, right?
mad maddie:
yah, and they’re actually kind of gross. they leave trails of slug-slime behind them. also, they’re way bigger than I imagined.
SnowAngel:
as big as a banana?
mad maddie:
smaller than a banana, bigger than . . .
mad maddie:
eh, who cares
mad maddie:
made me think of high school, tho, and applying to colleges, since that’s when I first learned about banana slugs.
mad maddie:
that world seems so far away. remember how important Jana Whitaker was to us? and Zoe—ha! how she hid in the back of Jana’s car to steal her teddy bear?
SnowAngel:
Boo Boo Bear! aw, good ol’ Boo Boo Bear.
mad maddie:
do u follow Jana on Twitter or anything?
SnowAngel:
me? no.
SnowAngel:
why?
mad maddie:
oh, cuz of the stomach-pumping thing. did Zoe tell you about that? I’m wondering if she’s ok, believe it or not.
SnowAngel:
yeah. hold on . . .
SnowAngel:
*mad Twitter activity*
SnowAngel:
kk, I am now officially following her. but you know, you *cld* follow her yrself
mad maddie:
except then she’d see me in her list of followers. no thx.
SnowAngel:
but you have no problem with her knowing that I’m following her?
mad maddie:
I don’t want her to think I’m lame.
SnowAngel:
but it’s fine for her to think I’m lame?
SnowAngel:
ooo! ooo! she just posted something!
SnowAngel:
wow, so deep. she said, “if yr not moving forward, yr falling behind. go back to high school, losah.”
mad maddie:
you’re moving forward. don’t worry.
SnowAngel:
of course I’m moving forward. why wldn’t I be moving forward? and why “don’t worry”?
SnowAngel:
WAIT. she’s not saying that to *me*, is she?
mad maddie:
one beat . . .
mad maddie:
two beats . . .
SnowAngel:
oh my god! she was, cuz she posted it the microsecond after I started following her!
mad maddie:
she’s JANA. did u really think she’d change?
mad maddie:
u gave her an opening, and she slipped right back into high school.
mad maddie:
or not. maybe high school came with her.
SnowAngel:
huh?
mad maddie:
sometimes I think I ran away from high school just to end up right back in high school, only now it’s called college.
mad maddie:
DON’T tweet her back!
Sat, Oct 5, 4:54 PM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
Zoe! how’s the Dougster? ya gettin’ some, know what I mean, know what I mean?
SnowAngel:
Zoe! oohhhhh, Zoe!
SnowAngel:
ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM!
Sat, Oct 5, 6:30 PM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
Maaaaaadddddiieeeee, Zoe won’t answer my texts and won’t pick up when I call. I feel neglected!
mad maddie:
leave her be, fool.
mad maddie:
stalker!
SnowAngel:
also I told her to wear a condom, but really I meant that Doug shld wear a condom. on his penis. do you think she figured that out?
mad maddie:
hmm. that’s a tough one.
SnowAngel:
Doug’s penis? you’re saying Doug’s penis is a tough one???
SnowAngel:
YOU’RE the stalker, weirdo!
Sun, Oct 6, 9:34 AM E.D.T.
zoegirl:
Maddie, I’m sure you’re still asleep.
zoegirl:
Angela, you probably are too.
zoegirl:
but . . .
zoegirl:
Doug broke up with me. he didn’t come to visit me; he came to break up with me face-to-face.
zoegirl:
God, I never in my life thought I wld be typing these words.
zoegirl:
I wish I could hit “undo.”
Sun, Oct 6, 11:00 AM E.D.T.
SnowAngel:
Zoe, wtf?
SnowAngel:
when? just now? do you want me to drive to Ohio and be with you??? I wld if I cld, you know!
zoegirl:
I’m numb. I’m a ghost. my skin is such an ugly color.
SnowAngel:
Zoe. no. you are not a ghost, and yr skin is beautiful. ALL of you is beautiful. don’t you dare talk yrself into thinking this happened cuz something’s wrong with you.
zoegirl:
he said he wants
SnowAngel:
my heart is breaking for you. I am SOOOOOO sorry!
zoegirl:
I can’t think straight.
zoegirl:
this *is* really happening, right? I’m not dreaming?
SnowAngel:
shit, it’s not that Canyon girl, is it?
zoegirl:
he claims they’re just friends. I don’t know.
zoegirl:
want to hear the worst part?
zoegirl:
well, all of it is the worst part, but at the end of his speech, he said, “so, uh, ok. I guess I’m going to take off.”
SnowAngel:
when? this morning?
zoegirl:
um . . . not exactly
SnowAngel:
then when, exactly?
zoegirl:
on Friday night, right after he got here.
SnowAngel:
AND YOU’RE JUST NOW TELLING ME?
SnowAngel:
Zoe! wtf?!!!
zoegirl:
I was a mess, and I didn’t want him to go, so I grabbed his hands and said, “it’s late. just stay, please? you can drive back tomorrow.”
SnowAngel:
okaaaay. and . . . ?
zoegirl:
he didn’t want to, but I forced him to by being needy. and then he didn’t want to sleep in my bed—he said he’d take the floor—but I was needy all over again until finally he gave in.
SnowAngel:
uh-oh
zoegirl:
yeah. so there we were in my bed, and our bodies were so close, and . . . things happened. except that’s me not telling the whole truth, because I *made* them happen, just like when I visited him at Oberlin.
SnowAngel:
you made bad sex happen again? WHY?
zoegirl:
Angela! are you really asking that when you already know I feel like complete and utter shit?
SnowAngel:
sorry, sorry. bad phrasing!!!
SnowAngel:
let me try again. did Doug STOP things from happening? the “why look, here we are about to have sex again” things?
zoegirl:
no. but right before he came inside me, he whispered, “just so you know, this isn’t going to change anything.”
SnowAngel:
oh, Zoe.
SnowAngel:
and Doug! what a fucker!
zoegirl:
so that’s who I am, the girl who sleeps with her ex-boyfriend one last time even though she knows it’s not going to change anything.
SnowAngel:
Zoe, that is NOT who you are
zoegirl:
well, um, it is. go me!
SnowAngel:
where are you now? are you in yr dorm room? I know yr not going to want to, but you need to be with other ppl right now. can you call your friend Holly?
zoegirl:
I just want to be alone.
SnowAngel:
and hold on. I’m confused.
SnowAngel:
today’s Sunday. Doug broke up with you on Friday. Did he leave on Saturday?
zoegirl:
bright and early, yep
SnowAngel:
and you kept all this to yourself until now???
zoegirl:
I didn’t feel like talking. or moving. or thinking. I still don’t.
zoegirl:
will you tell Maddie for me? I don’t want to do the walk of shame twice.
SnowAngel:
of course, but there is NO WALK OF SHAME.
SnowAngel:
I’m sending all my love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sun, Oct 6, 7:28 PM P.D.T.
mad maddie:
hey, you.
SnowAngel:
hey. poor Zo, huh?
mad maddie:
I called her after you and I talked, but I got her voicemail. tried her again, got her voicemail again.
SnowAngel:
same here.
SnowAngel:
her latest tweet says, “gone off the grid. back eventually. #maybe.”
mad maddie:
ack, I hear that
SnowAngel:
huh?
SnowAngel:
our friend is hurting and in pain and you’re glad she’s “gone off the grid”???
mad maddie:
what? no, I’m not glad! I said NOTHING about being glad.
mad maddie:
just, I understand the impulse.
SnowAngel:
what impulse?
mad maddie:
to go off the grid, even if you don’t like that expression. to just . . . not deal.
SnowAngel:
but we’re her friends! we’re supposed to HELP her deal!
mad maddie:
yes. I know. and we will. I feel just as bad for Zoe as you do.
mad maddie:
I’m just acknowledging the fact that sometimes, when crappy things happen, it’s tempting to disappear for a while.
SnowAngel:
*narrows eyes*
mad maddie:
and again, I’m not saying we’re going to LET Zoe disappear. but don’t you ever feel like you’re constantly “on”? like you’re chained to your phone/tablet/laptop/whatever? like you cldn’t escape even if you wanted to?
SnowAngel:
as in, do I obsessively check for texts, emails, tweets, snapchats, and FB posts?
SnowAngel:
NO
mad maddie:
I do. sometimes I want to smash the internet with a rock. then I remember that y’all live in there, so I don’t.
SnowAngel:
hmmph
mad maddie:
and now off to a diner on the boardwalk that serves maple bacon donut dogs.
mad maddie:
let me say that again: Maple. Bacon. Donut. Dogs.
SnowAngel:
that sounds revolting
mad maddie:
by which you mean “delicious beyond belief”? agreed. I shld buy a dozen and mail them to Zoe.
SnowAngel:
are Zara and the Esbees going with you?
mad maddie:
ish
SnowAngel:
they’re going with you “ish”? I don’t even know what that means.
mad maddie:
so don’t worry about it
SnowAngel:
as for me, I’m txting from smelly laundry room in smelly dorm. (not my dorm.) Sunday night keg party, baby!
mad maddie:
if you’re at a keg party, why are you hiding in the smelly laundry room?
SnowAngel:
eh. party is fun, but SO MUCH DRUNKENNESS!
mad maddie:
then leave
SnowAngel:
don’t be silly! my constant companion, Reid, is here with me, and we’re having a delightful conversation.
mad maddie:
um, no. you’re texting me.
SnowAngel:
but he’s holding my crutches. that’s nice, isn’t it?
SnowAngel:
I’m sitting on one of the washing machines.
mad maddie:
and Reid’s just standing there watching you???
SnowAngel:
AND HOLDING MY CRUTCHES! omg, are you not listening?
mad maddie:
is that sweet or creepy?
SnowAngel:
it’s sweet, dummy!
mad maddie:
hmmm. in that case, I like Reid. tell him to keep taking care of you.
SnowAngel:
ok, hold on . . .
SnowAngel:
Reid sez it is his pleasure and honor.
mad maddie:
uh-oh. leaning back toward creepy . . .
mad maddie:
SnowAngel:
no
mad maddie:
are you after HIS body?
SnowAngel:
plz! not in a million years.
mad maddie:
why not? cuz he’s a geek?
SnowAngel:
he’s not my type, that’s all
mad maddie:
why not? cuz he’s a geek?