Before I Ever Met You by Karina Halle
There’s so much to discuss, so many things we’re going to have to face.
But we’re doing it together.
And for tonight, we’re the only people that matter.
19
I wake up in Logan’s arms. I wake up with a gorgeous diamond and pearl ring on my finger. I wake up with this man’s love. A pledge for endless love.
And I wake up afraid.
I take in a deep breath, turning my head to see Logan sleeping soundly beside me, snoring lightly. He’s so beautiful, the perfect face at first glance, but the closer you look, the more you see the imperfections. The acne scars on his cheek, the way his nose twists in the middle, a surfing injury from back in the day. When he smiles you can see a few crooked bottom teeth, and his grin itself isn’t fully even.
But all these little flaws only make him more gorgeous. They make him more mine. In our flaws, outside and in, we see each other and understand each other.
And yet I’m afraid. Afraid of what’s about to come. I love Logan with all my heart but I know there’s a world out there that won’t see that love and won’t understand. And while I’m prepared to fight them, I’m prepared to turn my back on those who will judge us, I’m worried that they can fight back harder.
I’m going to be Logan’s wife. It’s everything I’ve wanted and then some.
But this isn’t going to be easy.
I have to tell my parents.
“Are you watching me sleep again?” Logan mumbles, keeping his eyes closed.
“Yes,” I say, voice creaky from sleep. “Can’t get quite enough of you.”
“You’re going to get a lot more of me,” he says, slowly opening his eyes, fixing them on me. “I can’t believe I get to wake up next to you like this for the rest of our lives.”
His love is intoxicating, banishing the dark clouds I have threatening my heart. I kiss him softly as he runs his hands through my hair and we are lost to each other.
Eventually we get out of bed. A new year, a new life. The restaurant is closed for the holiday but Logan does have to go relieve Kate from reception later. She’s getting paid triple overtime out of the goodness of Logan’s heart, but I’m sure she’s raring to go back to bed and sleep. Everyone has to be a bit hungover.
It’s weird not to hide it anymore, but it feels good. And with everyone being so happy for us, it puts an extra bit of pep in my step. In fact, as we walk back to the hotel together, I’m practically skipping, swinging on his arm like a schoolgirl.
While he heads off to do some work, I head back to my place. We have plans to meet later for dinner, which either means a spot in Hanalei if any are open, or I’ll just cook for him again. There’s no one else I’d rather slave over the stove for, and how much he enjoys what I make is just icing on the literal cake (coconut is his favorite).
But the minute the door closes behind me, the rays of happiness start to fade. The fear is back, lurking behind the dark clouds, threatening the happy little life we’ve built with each other.
I have to call my parents. I know their opinion doesn’t matter but this is different. I don’t care if my mother and father don’t approve – I know one-hundred-percent that they won’t. But my mother is in politics and she’s not just a bitch in a way that makes her strong, in the way she gets things done. She can be downright horrible and I can’t trust her for anything.
Don’t tell them.
I should listen to that voice.
Elope.
I should listen to that voice.
I should, I should, I should.
But what if they could just see it from my point of view?
What if they could understand?
I stick my phone underneath my pillow in my room, out of sight out of mind, and take a long shower, but my brain is being torn in half. There’s a moment of utter happiness that Logan and I are together, no more secrets, that I’m going to marry him.
Then there’s one of utter rage and despair. When I think there’s no way it will ever happen. That there’s no way I can feel this happy without having the rug pulled out from under me. Nothing has ever been this easy before – why should this be?
And it hasn’t been easy. It’s been a battle to fight the shame. But the love is the easy part. It’s free-flowing and never-ending and I feel it from him just as much as I give and that truly makes everything worth it.
Get married. Don’t tell them. Don’t let them ruin your one chance at happiness.
The thoughts again. Louder this time.
Would it be cowardly not to say anything?
Or is it smart to protect the one true thing I have?
Because I know the risk…it’s not just that my parents could disown me.
They could take away Moonwater.
And I wish I lived in some other timeline, some other life, where that wasn’t a possibility, but it is. I can’t underestimate her. I can’t ever do that.
The only solution is to live a lie once more. It’s a small price to pay to keep what’s ours.
I take my phone out from under my pillow, about to plug it into the wall since the battery is low, and move on, forget about it. Talk to Logan, see what we should do, if I should say anything at all.
It rings in my hand.
I gasp, staring at it blankly.
It’s my mother. On my new phone I haven’t had time to program in her number, but it’s her all the same.
Holy fuck.
I hesitate before answering it. Thank god my battery is dying and I can use that as an excuse. She’s probably just calling to wish me a happy new year, anyway. This should be a short call.
I answer the phone. “Hello?”
“Hello Veronica.” Her voice is like ice. “Happy new year.”
“Thanks,” I say as cheerfully and casually as possible. “Did you guys have a good night?”
“We did,” she says. “You know, had the usual party down at the Palmer House.”
An eerie silence fills the line. I’m about to say something benign when she sighs. But it’s not drawn-out or overdramatic. It’s sharp. It’s a warning. “I heard you had a great time,” she says. Her words are a loaded gun, hinting at damage.
“Last night?” I ask cautiously.
“Yes. There was a party at Moonwater, wasn’t there? For you, the staff, the guests…”
My breath freezes in the top of my lungs, refusing to move onward. “How did you know that?”
“Veronica, Moonwater is more our hotel than it is Logan’s. Not by a lot, but it’s enough. Do you seriously think I wouldn’t know what’s going on in our own hotel?”
Oh no. Oh no. This can’t be going where I think it’s going.
The doom settling over me is insurmountable.
I can’t even speak.
“I know what happened last night,” she adds and now her voice is cracking, brittle with anger, acidic to the core. “I know what people saw.”
“What happened?” I whisper. I can’t hide the fear in my voice.
There’s a sharp intake of breath, like I’ve struck her.
“What happened?” she repeats. “I know what’s going on with you two. What you’ve done. Tell me right now that you and Logan are not…together. Tell me right now that you aren’t and I’ll believe you.”
Oh my god. I nearly drop the phone. I can’t even stand up, I stumble to the couch, sitting down. My heart is shrinking.
This can’t be happening.
How could she know?
“Who told you we were together?” I ask, my face going hot with fear and blistering anger.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Who told you!” I yell. “It matters!”
“Oh, fine. It was Charlie. And he’s been honest so far, he wouldn’t start lying now.”
I am stunned. Slapped in the face, kicked in the stomach.
Charlie?
“What?” I’m gasping.
“Yes, there’s nothing unusual about that. I have to know what
I’m going to kill him.
Logan’s going to murder him.
“Don’t get all concerned about Charlie,” my mother goes on. “He assumed we knew. But I’m glad he told us at any rate, even if he’s mistaken. Is he mistaken, Veronica?”
My mouth flaps open, closed, like a fish out of water.
“Answer me!” she yells, the malevolence coming to life.
I nearly bite my tongue off, my mouth snaps shut so fast.
“Your silence is speaking volumes,” she sneers, her voice going low, to the vile levels. “You have no idea what you’ve done, no idea what you’re doing. You think you’re going to marry Logan? Is that it? You think you’re going to be the next Juliet? Is that what this is about?”
“No,” I tell her, trying to find my voice, my strength. “No. I love him and he loves me.”
My mother erupts into laughter, the kind that comes from hate.
“Love? Oh cut the crap, you don’t know what love is. What you’re doing is because you’re tired of being second best, of never measuring up. You’re trying to take what was rightfully Juliet’s, you won’t even let her rest in peace.”
I’m so temped to tell her the truth about her, about who she really was. It takes everything I have in me to protect Juliet.
“Mom, please, I knew you wouldn’t understand so I didn’t tell you but…it’s the truth. We’re in love and it has nothing to do with Juliet, only that we had to make sure that we were being respectful and –”
“Bullshit!” she yells. “Respectful? You’re only showing how pathetic you are. I expected more from you Veronica, I really did. I never expected you to be Juliet, no one could be, she was one of a kind. But I did think you’d at least grow up to a be a woman with class and honor and dignity and you have none of those values. None. You’re an opportunist. You take what’s not even yours.”
“You’re calling me an opportunist?” I sneer. I feel like I’m about to lose my fucking mind. “You, of all, people are the biggest opportunist of them all. You’re a fucking politician! You based your whole life on lies, starting with how you pretended to love us. You never loved me, admit it! You just pretended to because it’s what you were told.”
“You don’t know anything about love, Veronica. If you did, you wouldn’t be doing this to her, to us. To me. How do you think it will look for you to marry your sister’s widower? We’ll be the laughing-stock of Chicago. I’ll lose more than you will, is that what you want for me? Is it?”
I can only shake my head. I can’t believe it and yet I can.
“Their marriage was over when she died,” I tell her. Everything inside me is seconds from breaking. “And far before that.”
“Because he’s a liar and cheat. I can see now why the two of you would start up together, he had no respect for Juliet either.”
“Well then fuck you, mom,” I tell her. I am all rage and I am rising. “You know what? I don’t give a shit what you think. I don’t care if Chicago has a problem with it, or if you lose power, or whatever the fuck you think will happen, which probably won’t because no one cares about you as much as you think they do. This is my life and I am choosing him and he is choosing me and that’s all I can say about it. I’m going to marry him regardless, without your blessing or your permission, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do or say to stop me. So tell me that I’m weak and he’s a liar and that we’re both horrible people, I really don’t care. He has my back and that’s more than I can say for my own damn family.”
I’m breathing hard from that, the blood is pounding in my head, pressing on my temples. The line goes black with silence.
“I will not be made a fool of Veronica,” she says. “I have worked too long and too hard in this industry to be the laughing stock. I will not lose people’s respect for me and my family just because you’ve lost respect for your family and yourself.”
“Then I’m sorry. It is what it is.”
She exhales loudly. “I’m sorry too. Because I liked that place and it’s going to be a shame that we’re forced to sell it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well I no longer want a man like Logan deciding how our investments go. It’s obvious now his judgement can’t be trusted. We can’t always make the best investment decisions, but if we sell now, I’m sure we’ll make some money on it.”
“You can’t…you can’t just sell. Logan is a shareholder.”
“He doesn’t own the majority of the hotel, dear. If he did, I wouldn’t be keeping tabs, now would I? When he first met Juliet, he was getting the hotel off the ground. We swooped in and came up with the remaining funds, money he used to purchase Moonwater. That’s never been a secret.”
“But…it’s his! It’s all his! It’s his flesh and blood. It’s his passion. It’s his job. Maybe you gave some money, but without Logan, you would have nothing at all.”
“That was his decision. It kept him and Juliet busy, but now that’s over.”
I’m starting to shake. This has to be a bad dream, a nightmare, and I can’t wake up.
“Mom,” I whisper. “You can’t do that. There has to be some legal way about it. It’s still his company, his business, his hotel. You can’t just decide to sell. He has to approve.”
She gives off a small, merciless laugh. “Oh, you’re so naïve. I thought I raised you better than that. Let me make this clear, Veronica Locke.” Her tone becomes as hard as flint. “If you don’t call off this marriage, call of this silly relationship, your father and I will sell what’s rightfully ours. Logan will get a small chunk of change, plus whatever he invested. Which, by the way, wasn’t much. And that’s that. Frankly, this has gone on for too long anyway – we should have done this as soon as Juliet died.”
No. No. There has to be some way out of here.
There’s so much to say. I want to scream. Cry. Protest. Swear. I want to revel in my anger, I want her to feel what I’m feeling. I want to beg for forgiveness. I want to plead for approval. I want to be given a chance.
But the only thing I can manage to ask is, “Why do you hate me so much, mom?” My voice is broken, ruined, weak. “What did I ever do to you?”
The silence says everything and nothing at all.
“Give him back his ring, Veronica. Do the right thing. Even if you don’t care about Juliet’s honor or my reputation or your self-respect, even if you don’t give a shit about any of that, think about Logan. Do you really want to be the one to ruin all that he’s worked for? Do you want to be the one to crush his legacy? The man has been through so much. Do you want to make him lose it all?”
“Fuck you, mom,” I tell her and hang up the phone.
But the act seems worthless. Because she’s already won. She’s right.
My fingers go to the ring, the beautiful ring, and twirl it around, trying to gather strength from it, trying not to cry. Could I be the one to call it off? Do I tell Logan what just happened? Do we try and find a solution together?
Or would that ruin everything anyway? I know Logan. He loves me. He’s stubborn. And he’s not going to let me go without a fight. If I tell him what we’re faced with, he’ll give up the hotel. He’ll let my parents take back Moonwater and he’ll lose all that he’s worked for in order to keep me.
Can I live with myself if that happens? Can I marry him knowing I ruined his life, that I made him lose it all?
Or do I get up and walk away to save him.
Do I tell Logan the biggest lie I’ve ever told and break his heart in order to keep this piece of paradise for him?
I sit down on the couch, numb.
This is going to hurt beyond belief.
20
They say that life isn’t measured by the breaths we take, but by the m
I have to agree with that.
When I first laid my eyes on Logan, I was breathless. I knew he would have a significant impact in my life, even though I had no idea he would become my life. He was Juliet’s for so long, and I accepted that as much as I could. Everything else was a shameful, hopeless dream.
And I am breathless now.
Because I am breaking.
Breaking inside, fragments, jagged and sharp.
Breaking in slow motion.
I am paralyzed by this decision, a decision that can only be mine, one that will destroy everything I love no matter what I do.
I don’t know how long I stand in the middle of the living room. I don’t know where to go, what to do. I’m a robot, I’m on autopilot, I’m a zombie.
This can’t be happening; this can’t be happening.
But you knew it, I tell myself. You knew it would be this way. You knew you would never get away with it.
And yet I still had hope. Sometimes you tell yourself to expect the worst, sometimes you let yourself become jaded and realistic, because you know the chances of getting burned are high. And yet, no matter how much you try and harden your soul, shackle your heart, hope has a way of getting in. As the late Leonard Cohen said, the cracks are where the light gets in. And with that light comes hope.
I knew this was coming, I knew it wouldn’t be easy. But I still had hope, foolish hope, that refused to be buried. Hope that Logan and I would be allowed to live out our happily ever after under the sun, stars, and moon.
It’s that persistent sliver of hope that’s killing me right now.
I have to break up with Logan.
I have to return the ring.
I have to leave him.
I know my mother’s threats weren’t made in vain. I know what it’s like to damage her pride and reputation. I know she will fight back with everything she has, and in order to preserve what she is and what she’s fought for, she will take this away from Logan.
I can’t be the cause of that. I can’t. I couldn’t live with myself if Logan ended up stripped of everything he fought so hard to get. As much as I love him, as much as he loves me, I can’t be worth more than this place, and I won’t let myself be.