Numb (King's Harlots MC Book 5) by J. M. Walker
“I don’t know what to say or do anymore.” That flight or fight response was nagging at me. Everything in me was telling me to run. To get out of there. To move on. But I couldn’t. There was no way I could move on from this with Dale. Even we didn’t end up together in the end, he would always be a part of me.
“Be with me,” he said. “That’s all I ask right now.”
“Sex isn’t going to solve anything,” I muttered.
We stood there in silence. Time wore on and it felt like hours since we spoke to each other. This man standing in front of me forced these feelings to brew inside of me. He controlled my actions and my thoughts. It scared me how much I needed him.
“Please, baby.” He brushed a hand down my cheek before pinching my chin. Tilting my head back, he placed a soft peck on my lips. “I need you.”
I turned away, pulling out of his grasp. “I can’t continue fighting with you.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home,” I said, heading in the direction of my house.
“Like hell you are.” He grabbed my arm, spinning me around. “I’m not letting you walk out on me. Not again.”
“Me?” I shoved him. “I walked out on you? All right. You want to talk?” I pushed him again. “Let’s fucking talk. Let’s talk about how I go to sleep at night and get woken up by nightmares because I fear you won’t be with me in the morning. Or how about the fact that our daughter haunts me. I dream of her giggling. And it’s not her being cute. It terrifies me. It’s like my dreams are one big fucking horror movie. And this? Whatever we’re doing? You’re right. It is damn toxic but it feels fucking good all at the same time. So, if we’re not going to move forward, then what the hell are we doing?”
His breath hitched. “Max.”
“I’m tired and I don’t want to fight with you anymore.” I shoved from his grip and stomped down the driveway when I was suddenly picked up and thrown over Dale’s shoulders. “Put me down. What the hell are you doing?” I demanded, beating my fists against his back.
“You keep trying to run away, kitten. Well, fuck that shit.” He dropped me when we reached a dark alley. “You are going to stand here and listen to what I have to say.”
“You can’t force me, Dale.” I pushed him.
“Shut up,” he boomed. “Just shut up.”
I was taken aback, my mouth snapping shut at his outburst.
“I don’t remember everything and it’s driving me fucking mad. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’ll never forgive myself and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. I pushed you away because I was fucking scared. I know that now. All right? There. That’s the truth. Take it or leave it. And you are right as well. This does feel good even though it will probably end up killing us. But I’m tired too. I don’t care anymore about what is right and what is wrong. I just don’t care.” When he turned to walk away, I placed a hand on his arm. He glanced down at it.
“I …” I let out a slow breath, realizing it was time. “I want to take you to see her.”
Dale searched my face, swallowing hard. “Now?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I think it’s needed.”
He grabbed my hand, leading me back down the sidewalk to the club. Just as we approached the building, Coby came outside. The silent man only looked at us before handing Dale his keys.
“How did he know you needed his keys?” I asked Dale as he guided me to Coby’s SUV.
Dale looked over his shoulder. “He knows me well. Probably better than anyone besides you.”
“Oh.” I slid into the large vehicle and did up the seat belt. I looked up, noticing Dale still standing in the door way. “What?”
His finger skimmed lightly down my cheek. “You’re beautiful.”
My breath caught at the unexpected compliment. “Thank you,” I said, the back of my neck heating.
He nodded once and shut the door before making his way around to the driver’s side. When he joined me, he gripped the steering wheel tight in his hands. “Tell me where she is.”
I blew out a slow breath, finding the courage I knew I didn’t have but faked it just the same, and gave him the directions to the cemetery. “It’s a family run business. They take care of it themselves too. The grounds are beautiful and peaceful. Quiet. I figured it was perfect.”
Dale grabbed my hand, linked our fingers, and kissed my knuckles. But he didn’t say anything else. Sometimes I wished I knew what he was thinking. Was he always this dominant? Did losing his memory make him that way? It was a conversation we should have had months ago but I got so wrapped up in the guy, I couldn’t even breathe when I was around him.
Once we reached the cemetery, Dale pulled the vehicle into park. He stared out the window, his gaze roaming over the grounds with stones of all various sizes. “It shouldn’t have been this way.” His words were quiet, I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly.
Before I had a chance to ask what he was talking about, he left the vehicle and came around to my side. Opening the door, he helped me out and as soon as my feet landed on the ground, he pulled me into his arms.
My throat closed, my chest aching at the permanent knot that had taken place in it months before.
His hands roamed down my back, holding me tight against his warm, hard body before he pulled away.
I swallowed hard at the mere look of utter pain and agony twisting on his handsome face.
“Show me,” he demanded, his voice thick with emotion.
I grabbed his hand, leading him down a path in the middle of the yard. We didn’t say anything as the solemn surroundings took over our thoughts. All of these people, someone’s loved one, they were now at peace but every time I went there, it still broke my heart.
When we reached the back of the yard, I stopped in front of a small grave plot with Baby Stanton Michaels etched into it. “I didn’t want to name her without you. As much as I was mad, I didn’t feel that it was right. So … I gave her both our names.”
Dale’s breath hitched. He looked between the stone and me, back and forth until he did the unexpected and fell to his knees.
IN MY WHOLE career in the military as a Navy SEAL, with all the training I had, nothing could prepare me for this moment. I had seen the ruthlessness of humanity. Desperation calling out to people where they would do anything to save themselves. Women getting raped. Children gutted like pigs. Men taking their own wrath out on each other trying to prove who was bigger and better. But nothing, none of those horrors was even remotely close to seeing the ground my daughter was buried beneath.
I wrapped my arms around Max, kneeling at her feet, and held her close. I squeezed her so hard, I half expected her to complain I was hurting her. But when a soft sob escaped her and she brushed a hand over my head, I held her tighter.
We needed time apart. I got that. But neither of us were brave enough to admit it. I only hoped that with distance, we could find our way back to each other.
What bothered me the most through this whole thing was how Max took it upon herself to deal with this situation on her own. She didn’t call on her sisters for help. She didn’t ask for guidance. She chose to be alone, and I didn’t understand why. And I probably never would.
“Dale,” she whispered, brushing her fingers through the hair at my nape. When I didn’t respond, she lowered to her knees in front me. “Talk to me.”
I couldn’t look at her for fear I would start blubbering like a baby. I wasn’t one to get emotional. Knowing what I had seen in my career, it made even the warmest of hearts turn cold. But losing a child could force even the evilest of monsters into a sobbing mess.
“Why did you do this on your own?” I asked, my voice coming out thick, even I didn’t recognize it.
Her shoulders slumped. Picking at a piece of grass, she shrugged. “I didn’t think it was fair having everyone else help me bury her when you couldn’t be with us. I know I’ve said that I wanted to do everything on my own b
“Don’t apologize.” I cupped her cheek, brushing my thumb under her eye, and wiped away the lonely tear that had fallen. If only I could wipe away her pain just the same. “I’m here now.”
“You are.” She placed her hand on my knee.
That small touch sent strength soaring through my body. “I’m in love with you,” I blurted.
Her mouth fell open.
Before she could say anything, I stopped her. “I don’t expect you to say anything. I’ve been an asshole. I don’t remember everything but I can feel the regret and see the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for everything I have put you through. I was scared. It’s not an excuse. I get that.” I paused. “I never knew what love was until I met you, but even then, I pushed you away. I don’t have a reason why and I’m not going to make up some shit excuse but I do love you. I know we’ll probably go our separate ways. Maybe that will be forever, maybe it won’t. But I needed you to know before that happened. So …” I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”
She smiled softly, tears now flowing down her cheeks. She wiped them away and turned in my arms, leaning against me. “My grandma told me you loved me. She hasn’t even met you and she knew.”
“You talk to your grandma about me?” I asked, kissing her head.
“I do.” She sighed. “I want to tell you I feel the same but—”
“No.” I pushed her forward and turned her back around to face me. “I want you to say the words when you mean them. You’ve said them before and I fucked up. I’m a patient man when it comes to you, kitten. I will wait until my very last breath to hear you say them and if you never say them again? I’ll still keep loving you. No matter what.”
“No matter what?” she asked, her eyes searching my face.
My blood boiled beneath my skin. “No matter what,” I repeated, not liking the taste of those words on my lips. There was no way I could handle seeing her with another man but in all fairness, she saw me with other women. If I could kick my own ass, I would.
“Thank you for not pushing me.” She held my hands between us, running her thumb over my palm.
“Never. Not when it comes to this. I know your limits.” I brought our joined hands up to my lips and kissed her knuckles before placing a soft peck on her lips.
She returned the kiss, her salty tears coating my tongue. When she pulled away, she looked down at the grave. “I have a picture of her.”
My heart hammered against my ribs. “You do?”
She nodded and reached into her purse. “For whatever reason, she doesn’t look pale in the photo. She just looks like she’s sleeping.” She handed me the image. “That’s your daughter, Dale.”
My throat closed, my eyes burning with unshed tears. The image staring up at me was the most breathtaking thing I had ever seen. Max was holding our daughter, her lips pressed to our baby’s forehead.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I let the tears fall.
***
(Max)
Seeing Dale break down in front of me was not something I ever wanted to see again. He cried as he stared at a picture of our daughter. He swore and cursed under his breath that it wasn’t fair. He was right. It wasn’t. But being with him now made me realize that this situation only made us stronger in the end. I would never wish this sort of pain on anyone. It brought agony to a whole new level. I would never get over losing her but with time, I could get through it. If Dale and I at least remained friends, it would be all I could ever ask for.
Crawling onto Dale’s lap, I hugged myself around him and held him while we both shed our own tears of grief.
“I’m fucking sorry,” he repeated over and over in the crook of my neck. “I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done to you. I should have been there. I shouldn’t have put that stress on either of you.”
His words hurt because they were true. Maybe our daughter would have been alive if I hadn’t been stressed but that wasn’t something I wanted to mull over. It would only drive us both crazy.
“I don’t deserve you.” His arms wrapped around me, holding me until I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. “I don’t deserve either of you.”
“Shhh. What’s done is done.” My heart felt lighter. “You’re here now. You’re here for us both.” I leaned back, cupped his cheeks, and kissed him fully on the mouth. He loved me but I couldn’t say those words back. Even though he knew. He had to. No one else mattered since I had met him months ago. From the first moment he had kissed me, no one else existed in my world.
I loved Dale.
But I didn’t tell him.
IT HAD BEEN several hours since we left the clubhouse. Several more since we left the graveyard. After both of our breakdowns, we sat in silence until the sun set and the air became cool.
We were both mentally exhausted that we went right to bed when we got back to my place. Dale hesitated at first.
“No matter what happens, I need you in my life. So, we can at least start by being friends,” I told him, grabbing his hand and led him upstairs to my room.
“I can’t be friends with you and not touch you,” he confessed, crawling into bed beside me. “But if it makes you happy, I’ll try.”
He had kept his sweatpants on out of respect for me even though I told him he didn’t have to. It had been the first time since meeting him that he kept his hands to himself.
I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t for fear I would wake up to find the spot beside me empty.
Sometime during the night, Dale stirred beside me.
He bolted upright.
“Dale.” My heart jumped. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head, dropping it in his hands.
I gently touched his shoulder, a sheen of sweat coating his skin. His body trembled.
“You’re shaking.” I cupped his cheek, turning his head toward me. “What’s wrong?”
His eyes were bright. “I remember.”
***
(Dale)
Getting your memory back was like your light being out and suddenly, someone plugged you in. All the memories came rushing back at once.
Every hateful word.
All the pain.
Every single woman.
All of them and, fuck me, there had been a lot. Why? Why the hell would I do that to Max?
I remembered laughing at her when she confessed her feelings for me. I could see the look of pain morphing on her face like it had just happened the day before.
“I love you,” Max confessed, her eyes warm. “I’ve been in love—”
A laugh escaped me.
Her mouth snapped shut, her chin trembling.
Instead of being gentle about it, I kicked her out of my bed. Fuck.
“Dale?” Max said, her soft voice coming from beside me.
My mind was jumbled with memories. All of them so damn painful, I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t deserve to look at her.
“Hey.” She kissed my shoulder. “Look at me.”
“No.” I shot out of the bed, pacing back and forth. “I can’t. Fuck. I don’t deserve you. I never have.” I never would.
Her head flinched back slightly. “What’s going on?”
“I remember.” I stopped in front of her. “Everything.”
“Oh.” She looked down at her hands in her lap. “Everything?”
“Yes.”
“The women?” she asked, her voice small.
“Yes.” I remembered the whores because they definitely weren’t ladies. They were a piece of meat to satisfy the itch I had because I was too stupid enough to realize that only Max could curb this craving.
“So, what now?” Max looked at me that time.
“I have no fucking idea. I can only imagine my doctors would want to know but even
“Do you still love me?” Max asked, her voice cracking.
“It would be easier if I could say no.” I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped my arms around her small body. “Because then it wouldn’t be this hard to say goodbye.”
***
(Max)
“This is it, isn’t it?” I looked up at him through unshed tears, my heart hammering against my ribs. The blood rushed to my head, and if I was standing, I would have fallen over.
Dale swallowed hard.
“Everyone thinks we need time apart. I don’t want to prove them right. I don’t want … I don’t want any of this to be right.” A sob escaped me. “Why can’t we be wrong and just enjoy it?”
“Because we don’t talk.” He cupped my cheek. “I don’t want you to end up hating me more than you already do.”
“I …” I placed my hand on top of his. “I don’t hate you. My grandmother raised me better. I don’t think I’ve ever hated you.”
“This would be easier if you did.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “But we can’t be together if you don’t trust me.”
“I’m trying. I swear to God I’m trying.”
“Hey.” He pinched my chin, tilting my head back to meet his gaze. “I understand. I know you’d rather me be an asshole but right now I don’t have the energy.” His shoulders slumped. “I will spend the rest of my life loving you.”
Tears flowed down my cheeks. I love you.
But no matter how hard I tried, those three little words never left my mouth.
“You don’t have to say it back.” He kissed my forehead. “You don’t even have to say it again.”
As his words washed over me, mixing with the gentle caress of his fingers against my skin, the tears fell harder.
“I will love you now. Tomorrow. Next week. For the rest of my damn life. I’ll love you from afar if I have to. Just don’t forget me.”