Perfectly Imperfect by Harper Sloan

  "Shit," she mumbles. I hear the sheets rustle. "I'll be right there."

  Even though I'm so pissed at her right now, I can't allow her to put herself in danger. "No. I don't know what the media situation is like at my front gate and you don't need the stress of dealing with Kyle, who I should add I knocked unconscious when he was feeling the need to let it all hang out earlier. I just ... fuck, Mia. I have to tell her. I know I gave you my word because not only was it no one's fucking business, but that's my blood growing inside of you and I had no problem keeping silent to protect the both of you. But now, I can't lose her forever because of this."

  Mia sighs, and I know she's feeling bad about asking me for silence months ago. Making me promise while she sobbed in my arms, the positive pregnancy test clutched in my shocked hands. The same way I know it kills her that the media has been rabid for us to confirm the pregnancy to them, to solidify the rumors that they had spread about the life she is growing and my part in it.

  "You know she deserves to know. I love you, Mees, but if I keep silent, not only will I lose her, but I'm going to lose myself as well. She's it for me, and I should have had this conversation with you weeks ago when I realized that Willow would never be going anywhere. I tried, but you've been avoiding the subject just as hard as I've been trying to talk about it. Any time I tried to bring it up, you pushed and refused. I should have tried harder, I know that, and I now have to live with the consequences. Look, I know it's because you're scared of what will happen when I tell her, but you know me and I wouldn't be asking you to put your faith in her if I didn't believe with everything that I am that she's strong enough to weather the storm."

  Her heavy breathing comes through the line, and I wait for her to accept what I'm asking. "I know you trust her. The little I've gotten to know her tells me she can be trusted too, but Kane ..."

  "Listen to me, Mia. I know I'm asking a lot, but this secret is killing me. Can't you understand that?" I hear her muffled sobs, and I hate myself. "I'm asking you to allow me to break my word, Mia. Begging you. I'm not asking you to let me hold a fucking press conference and tell the world. I'm just asking you to let me have back the promise to stay silent long enough to tell the woman who I fucking hope to spend the rest of my goddamn life with the truth!"

  I pace around the room, my chest tightening painfully with each second of Mia's silence. For the first time, I actually consider saying fuck it all and going back on my word regardless of what she says, but I know I never would. Even if that means I have to let the woman I love go. I felt the same fear for the last four weeks that I had been trying to get a hold of Mia when Willow wasn't around in order to have this conversation. I knew that the innocent life inside her needed to be protected from the pain that will undoubtedly come when the baby grows up and wonders why its mother allowed herself to fall pregnant by a man who would never love her like she deserved to be loved.

  "Okay, Kane."

  My shoulders slump as the relief of being let out of my vow hits.

  "Do you need me to be there?"

  "Mia," I start.

  "No," she interrupts. "It wasn't and isn't fair for me to continue to demand so much from you when you've made it clear from the beginning how you felt about her. I should have given you the go-ahead to tell her weeks ago. Especially since I've talked to her myself, and I know she isn't going to do anything to hurt you ... including letting this go past her. But I think it might be time to let it out, Kane. She might believe you, but the press is going to eat her alive without us confirming something."

  Shit. She's right. Because of everything that had happened since we touched down in Santa Monica earlier, I hadn't even thought about the new rumors being added to the ones that had been simmering for a while.

  Instead of them just speculating about Mia's and my relationship, whether the baby is or isn't mine, it's turned into a love triangle where Willow is the star villain.

  "It's time, Kane. It's going to be okay. God, I'm so sorry," she sobs.

  "Don't apologize. It's an impossible situation because we're in the spotlight, so no matter what, someone is going to lose. But it's not going to be you. It won't be Willow or me. And it won't be the baby. Let me call Kole and find out where she is. I'll talk to her and then we can figure out what to do."

  "No, I'm coming over. She needs to hear it from you, but I also need to explain to her why I allowed this to happen. You aren't the only one at fault for it."

  "Yeah." I laugh bitterly. "And neither are you."

  When I hang up, I don't feel any lighter knowing that I can freely break my word to Mia and tell Willow what I had been holding back. If anything, I feel even more trepidation because I know if we can't figure out what to do about the media, the baby will be the least of my worries when it comes to repairing things with Willow.

  WALKING AWAY FROM KANE WHEN he was obviously hurting was almost impossible. I know that the old Willow would have just rolled over and let his excuses and secrets stay his own, but not now. I know without a doubt, just because of the fact I was able to walk away from him, that I'm no longer allowing my fears to rule me. I deserve more, from him and for me.

  The part I'm struggling with, the one slowly chipping away at my resolve to stay strong, is the very real fear that when I left, it might be forever. I don't doubt that he will find me, try and bring me back, but right now, I have no idea how I would be able to move forward with him when doing so is going to put me in a position that I'm terrified to be in.

  I wrap my arms around myself, turn from the window I had been blindly looking out of, and move to the bed. I've spent the last hour or so locked away with my thoughts. Kole had kept silent during our drive, but he let me know in no uncertain terms that he would not allow me to go to a hotel. He's given me my space since arriving at his house, but I'm not sure how long that will last. Kole, like his brother, has too great of a protective instinct.

  I knew Kane had been keeping something from me. Heck, he admitted it. But I let it go because I understood he planned to tell me and I assumed that he would once we arrived. I might not understand why he couldn't have just called Mia and taken care of this before we came, but I figured it had a lot to do with him worrying that I wouldn't be able to handle their secret.

  That I would run.

  And I basically proved him right.

  No. You can't think like that, Willow. You left because you had to. You left because he wouldn't tell you even when faced with losing you. You left because you're stronger.

  But am I?

  Did leaving mean that I was strong or does that make me weak because I didn't want to face what was being thrown right in front of me. Or an even better question, if I'm able to forgive Kane and move forward, will I be strong enough to deal with what I can only guess will get worse before it gets better when it comes to the public perception of me--us--everything.

  I knew that when our relationship was officially thrust into the spotlight, there would be many eyes on me. The fear of what they would think, the things they would say, and worst of all--the scorn that would come just by being with him ... it had been at the forefront of my mind daily.

  But I believed that together we would be able to get through it. I had no illusions that it wouldn't be without struggles, but I still believed. But I'm not just facing public scorn for being with Kane, taking him off the market, and what many will feel is with someone not worthy of him. Now, I fear it will all be so much worse because I haven't just stolen Kane's heart--according to his brother, I also stole him from Mia and their child.

  God, just the thought of Mia and her baby--Kane's baby--makes my stomach churn.

  Was Kyle right? Kane didn't deny it, but his actions went a long way in confirming. Can I stay with him knowing that just months ago, he was with Mia? Sure, maybe he was telling the truth when he told me that they didn't have a relationship, but what if they did at one point?

  I had thought, until today, the hardest part of overcoming my old self would
have been eradicating the ghosts that had haunted me. Pushing past the fear that ruled me. Letting go of the pain I had felt over losing my mom, accepting that what 'family' I had left would never be a true family, forgiving the ones that had played the part in dragging me to rock bottom, and most importantly, learning to love every part of me. That last one being the hardest, but with Kane's help, not only did I see myself in a new light, but also the constant anxiety I had been carrying around worrying about the judgment of others had disappeared completely.

  But now I know that the hardest part of overcoming is going to be in believing in the strength I had just found. Now, forced to test the boundaries of that strength and faith in myself, I'm afraid I'm not going to win this time.

  Because, like it or not, the key to unhooking the final chains that held me captive for so long is right in front of my face. I felt that key turn when I was able to leave Kane, recognizing that I deserved better than secrets.

  "No time like the present, Willow," I mumble to myself and grab my phone. I feel those imaginary chains dig in and tighten around my chest, the fear getting thicker as I type Kane's name into my search browser.

  When the screen fills with links, my stomach pitches and almost shoots out my mouth.

  "Oh, God."

  Kane leaves Mia alone, pregnant, and scared.

  What's next for Mia and Kane?

  Mia in danger of losing Kane's child.

  Who is this mystery woman?

  Mystery woman revealed!

  The first few headlines don't cause me nearly as much anxiety as the last. I can confidently move past those because I know there is no way that they will hold anything other than speculation meant to sell papers. Kane wouldn't have kept the paternity of Mia's baby a secret from me and just verified them to the media. There's no way. It gives me a little peace that regardless of what those say, it's all just lies until I hear it from him.

  I feel a little lighter with that realization, but just looking at that last link--the least damning of all of them--makes me feel seconds away from a panic attack.

  I've been afraid of this. What the public thinks about me. And whether I'm strong enough to handle it.

  Because I know that regardless of how big Kane's secret is and what it means for our relationship, if I'm not able to hack it emotionally when everyone is judging me freely--then there is no point in even continuing.

  If I can't be strong enough to handle their words, then I might as well be the Willow who Kane met two months ago. I have to prove to myself that it isn't him I'm hiding behind to avoid being strong for myself. In a way, I should be thanking Kyle for slapping me in the face with the truth. It's forced me to realize I have to be strong alone, with no one holding me up.

  Hovering my thumb over the link to the widely popular tabloid blog, I hold my breath as the page loads.

  The world was abuzz today when news hit that confirmed bachelor, Kane Masters, 35, was officially off the market. Of course, no one had been able to confirm that rumor until today. It was to everyone's shock that the award-winning actor is stepping out with someone other than his on-again, off-again love, Mia Post, 34.

  Masters has recently been dodging the rumors that he and Post are about to be parents. Neither one of their reps would offer comments on the matter, but the pictures of them both seen leaving the woman's clinic to the stars, and the fact that Mia herself is very pregnant, I would imagine that official word wouldn't be far away for the pair.

  Good God, the picture that follows shows Mia during a recent talk show appearance. She looked stunning, but it wasn't her flawlessness that held my attention; it was the very round, pregnant belly that even the baggy dress couldn't hide. The date under the picture puts it as just two weeks prior.

  She looks to be five or six months pregnant, and if that's the case, then Kane wouldn't have been lying if he told me that they weren't together when we met, but that doesn't mean that they weren't together months before Kane and I met.

  I sigh and continue the article. My anxiety is through the roof, and instead of holding my breath, it comes out in a whoosh when I read the next part.

  However, all of those rumors seemed to vanish in one second when a source close to the Masters camp came forward and confirmed that he is most definitely in a relationship, just not with Mia Post.

  Masters has been on location in Georgia for his film, Impenetrable. This will be his first time in the director's seat and already there has been rumors that the film, due out this coming summer, will be the frontrunner for many Oscar noms. It's said that during his time down South, he met and began a relationship with Willow Tate, 29, of New York City.

  It's unclear what this means for Mia and her baby, but the insider close to the couple said that Masters and Tate couldn't keep their hands off each other during their recent trip to visit her stepfather, owner of the Logan Agency, one of the top modeling agencies in New York. The couple was pictured leaving New York from a private airstrip close to the city, headed to California to finish filming.

  Chills hit me when I realize that this insider had to have been Dominic or Ivy. To link me with them and use me as a tool for publicity when they had never had use for me before. They turned a spotlight on Logan at the same time trying to hurt me by going to the media about my relationship with Kane. I handed them the ammunition from which they so clearly used for personal gain.

  I should have seen that coming. Knowing they wouldn't just let me have the last word and that they wanted to strike back where it would hurt--by throwing me to the wolves and sharks that would do their dirty work for them.

  I let the hand holding my phone fall on my lap and let the fact sink in that the family who has never wanted me used me in order to put their name out there. Kane had told me that Dominic would most likely lose Logan soon. I knew for myself that he had been struggling. The competitive market is too great for him to control, and his own riches starting to dwindle to nothing.

  Picking up the phone, I reread the last section and smile when I realize they gravely miscalculated. I know they're trying to hurt me, but because the article doesn't even mention them past just a fleeting comment, I know their use was over. They were only named to give a little credibility to the source, but if they had planned better, they could have used me to breathe some life back into their dying sails.

  It shouldn't feel as good as it does to know that they will fail in their aim to hurt me. And honestly, now that I'm faced with the reality they tried, I don't care.

  I really don't care because I meant it when I said that by telling them I forgave them, I would be able to move on and they couldn't touch me anymore. I feel lighter as I continue to read.

  They continue to speculate on the seriousness of Kane's 'new relationship,' but it's obvious they don't know much because, besides the grainy pictures of us, there are no real facts.

  I return to my search page and thumb through a few more articles. None of the other links giving any more information than the fact Kane has another woman in his life who isn't Mia Post.

  And then I find the fan-driven page full of comments about Kane's new woman. Not all of them negative, but a great number comparing me to Mia. I skim through the comments and feel sick at the number of them that voice the same fears I had at the beginning of our relationship.

  That I'm not worthy of him.

  That he can do better.

  And more comments than I can count comparing me, my body, and my looks to Mia.

  Surprisingly, when I finish, there is no residual pain from seeing them rip into me. The fear that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle what the public had to say about me, the judgment that I had forever tried to avoid from others, means nothing. For once, I don't care what others think about me because if I've learned anything in the last two months, it's that the only opinion that matters is my own.

  Those chains that had been keeping me from finally letting go of my past and growing into someone stronger snap the instant my phone is lowere
d to the bed. I know now that no matter what happens next, I'm strong enough to handle it. I might be scarred, and I might come away with burns that will never heal, but if I walk away without fighting for Kane and our love, then I might not ever be able to move on with my life.

  I became the change that I had wanted for myself. Two months, four years, a decade ago--I never would have believed this was possible. I would have ran and hidden behind my fears. And even though I long for Kane and the added strength his love gives me, I deserve so much more than what I had been prepared to live with.

  I deserve all of him just as I've given him all of me.

  I lie down, pulling the covers tight against me as a few tears fall from my eyes. Even with the knowledge I'm no longer weak and afraid, I'm still so full of fear that I will lose Kane in the end. Part of me wants to run back to him and tell him that it doesn't matter, I don't need the truth as long as I have him, but I know now that I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't prove to myself that I know I deserve more.

  He might not have been completely honest with me because of a promise that he had made to Mia, but if he didn't tell me because of the child, I'm not sure what that means for us. How can I compete with that? How can I expect him to choose me when this child would need its father?

  It's time to face the fact that no matter how great our love might be it just might not be able to hold up when faced with the very real possibility that Mia might be carrying his child.

  "God, what now?"

  GODDAMN VULTURES.

  Mia called an hour after we hung up to let me know that reporters had swamped my gate. The paparazzi are in full bloodlust over the rumors of my 'love triangle.' I had spent enough time looking at the shit on the web to know they were painting Willow as the other woman while Mia was suffering through my infidelity.

  What a bunch of bullshit.

  Lies I'm at the mercy of because I can't say shit. A bed I made for myself because I didn't do anything to ensure that Willow would be prepared for them when the news hit. But even if I had and she was by my side, I would never throw Mia to the wolves by giving life to their scandalous rumors.