Sweet Fall by Tillie Cole
“Because my mamma’s fuckin’ dying, Pix! She’s now on her final weeks, and we need the money to pay for it! This,”—he tapped his jacket where his pocket was situated underneath—“is what’s gonna give her the meds and care she needs to not die choking on her own spit because we ain’t got insurance to get her help. Can’t you understand that?”
My eyes filled with tears when he added, “And what I really don’t need is shit from you about it! I haven’t called you because I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to protect everyone! Christ!”
“Austin…” I trailed off and ran my hand down his cheek. He immediately closed his eyes and found comfort in my touch.
“Pix, please. Trust me. I’m trying to protect you. Even if you don’t see it.”
His eyes opened and I asked, “Have you thought about football? What you’re risking?” When Austin just stared at me blankly, I really started to panic. There was no emotion, no fight, nothing, just numbness.
“Austin! Your football!”
He sighed. “I couldn’t give a shit about football no more. I’ll get the Tide the championship trophy, but all my focus is on Mamma and her medical bills now, not the fuckin’ NFL!”
“But your Momma wants you to do well in football, and Levi—”
Austin met me toe to toe and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Levi, right now, is lying in his bed, beat to shit because he got made to go on the drive-by because I chose to take you home. My fourteen-year-old brother got sliced with a knife across his stomach because I chose to go with you rather than do my duty to my family and stay with them myself!”
I felt sick. Levi was knifed? And… and…
“You regret making love to me,” I whispered, and Austin’s eyes that were staring at the brick pathway snapped to mine.
His face contorted, and he suddenly cupped my cheeks with his hands. “Pix, fuck… no, I don’t regret making love to you. How could I? My head’s just fucked up. Everything’s going so wrong and I don’t know how to fuckin’ deal with it all. I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone.”
I couldn’t say anything. The voice in my mind began his torturous taunts. He does regret it, Lexington. He just cannot tell you to your face. You know the truth. You disgust him.
“Pix!” Austin shouted, and my eyes fixed on his. I was breathless with panic and starting to feel faint.
That is because you have successful been eating only four hundred calories a day, exercising nonstop. We are winning, Lexington. This boy is deterring your success. Forget him. Listen to me. We are reaching perfection.
“Pix! Fuck! Look at me. Don’t go there. Don’t you dare go there right now! I can’t deal with that too! I’m trying to keep you safe. Please. I’m trying to take away any threat.”
“I repulse you,” I whispered knowingly, ignoring his words, my eyes filling with water. “That’s why you’ve ignored me lately. Even at the SEC Championship game this week, you barely looked my way.”
“No! No, I was just trying to deal with all this shit. The game was televised and I knew the Heighters were watching. I didn’t want anyone from the crew seeing me with you. I don’t want you to be a target for any of the dealing shit, Lex!”
“Carillo! Carillo, you out here?” a hushed voice sounded.
The hands cupping my face froze on my cheeks, and Austin’s teeth gritted together. Someone was coming.
Austin lowered his mouth to my ear. “Stay here. I’ll be back in a second.” I pushed back as far into the hedge as I could go.
Austin left our hiding spot and put his back to me, protecting me from view.
“Carillo, I’ve been looking for you,” that same deep voice said.
“What do you want, Porter?” Austin asked.
Chris Porter? Wide receiver Chris Porter?
“I want some coke. Heard on the grapevine you’re the guy to see.”
“You heard wrong,” Austin said coolly and then added, “and what you wanting coke for? You get tested before the National Championship and you lose any chance of being drafted.”
“Quit bitchin’, Carillo. I ain’t that dumb. I want it for the after party.”
“Ain’t happening, Porter.”
I heard the shuffle of feet and hands slapping on a chest. “Fuck you, Carillo! Fuck. You!”
Everything went silent, and then Austin reappeared. As I regarded him in the light of an old-fashioned lamp, I saw how tired he looked, how stressed. Feeling an overwhelming sense of empathy for him, I moved forward. “Austin—”
“Lexi. This, us, it has to end.” He interrupted.
I felt as though someone hit my back with a baseball bat and cracked open my chest, ruining my heart.
Austin’s eyes grew shiny and he ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t think you know how much I wish it was different. But my life’s fucked up and I’m too far back into the crew to get out. You can’t be with someone like me, Pix. I’ll ruin your fuckin’ life. You might let that happen, but I won’t. I won’t be like my daddy, running my girl through a shit show of a life.”
I stared at Austin numbly, and he turned to the shadows to wipe at his eyes. It was strange, but I felt… nothing. Like my ruined heart was protecting itself from the final crushing blow of Austin’s rejection. Like I’d had a Novocain shot to numb my feelings.
My feet began moving back to the direction of my friends and, in the back of mind, I knew Austin was following behind me. As soon as I saw my friends, I sat down, threw an automatic fake smile on my face, and nodded and laughed at the appropriate times to the jokes my friends were telling. I could also feel Austin’s heavy stare, but I couldn’t bear to look at him.
I registered Rome returning to the table, looking for Molly, but that didn’t pull me from my stupor until I heard, “Rome! Rome! Help!”
Female screams from the house carried on the winter’s breeze, snapping me back to life. Voices murmuring and people rushing came next, and Austin, suddenly taking my hand in his, began running for the house, dragging me behind him.
As we approached the back entrance, I spotted people whispering and crying, people’s hands over their mouths.
Austin looked down at me and shrugged. But then we saw Cass, Jimmy-Don, Ally, and Reece, all pale and sprint into the house. The only person anyone would be alerting Rome about was… Molly!
Tugging on Austin’s hand, I began running to the back stairs, Austin pushing through the crowds to see what the commotion was about. Once inside, we rounded the door to the library, where my heart jumped into my throat.
Then everything seemed to move in double speed. Shelly Blair was standing against a bookcase, hand over her mouth and crying. Ally and Reece were in each other’s arms, Ally inconsolable in her tears, and Jimmy-Don was propping up Cass as she turned away from something on the floor.
The floor.
“No!” I heard Austin whisper, and I bent down through the throng of Tide players to see what was happening.
Blood. Lots of blood. And Molly. Molly in Rome’s arms as he rocked her, crying and shouting. But I couldn’t hear what was said. I simply couldn’t take my eyes off the blood.
The baby… I thought, and felt Austin wrap me in his arms, no care about who would see us like this. No care for the fact he’d just told me we were done. But nobody was even looking our way. The room started spinning, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why was everyone I cared about being ripped apart and taken from me?
It was like a switch flicked on inside me and the numbness returned. Why was the world filled with such sadness and pain?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lexi
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 83lbs
Calorie intake: 400 250
I wish you were here. Lord, I wish you were here.
The last few days have been so hard, and I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality, on my eating… on everything.
Molly lost her baby. One of my best friends almost died. And to make things worse
And Austin… Austin is dealing drugs and back in with the Heighters. I never really see him anymore, he doesn’t want me, and I feel as though my heart is breaking, slowly, tortuously.
I wasn’t enough for him. My biggest fear realized.
I’m drowning in this, Daisy. The voice is my only comfort, and with each passing day, I surrender to him further. I never feel strong anymore. I can’t even look in the mirror. I hate who I see so much that I almost smash the glass with my fist just so I don’t have to face the fat, ugly eyesore staring back.
I jog miles a day, but it’s never enough.
My food intake is almost nonexistent, but it’s just never enough.
I am falling apart, Daisy.
Completely falling apart.
I miss you.
Why did you have to leave me alone?
A tear splashed to the page of my diary as I signed off, the watery ink running down the paper. I rolled my head to look outside the window and sighed. It was winter. Twilight. And all the stars were shining bright. Christmas break was officially tomorrow, and I’d be going home to nothing.
My parents had reluctantly gone away for my daddy’s work. They were gone for the next six weeks while he set up a new oncology ward in Mobile. They hated leaving me on the holidays, but they thought I was going to Texas with Cass for Christmas.
I’d lied. I was going to be alone at my parents’ house. And that was real good. I needed to be alone, away from people who might force me to eat.
It was a bizarre cocktail of happy and sad as I looked up at the night sky. Austin always stared at the stars. He would talk about them all the time while gripping my hand, pressing kisses to my skin. It always made me feel cherished.
I glanced down at my hand and made a loose fist at the memory. It was almost as if I could feel Austin’s tattooed fingers wrapped around mine. But that was done with now. We were done; of that I was sure.
Since the night we made love, we’d been virtual strangers. I was too much for him to cope with. I always knew I would be. But then his entire life was too much for him to cope with. One broken boy carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
We were both just too messed up to ever be with each other in the way we needed to be. Two shooting stars that burned out too quickly, never quite reaching each other’s skies.
I sat by my window for hours, watching the dark clouds roll by, before the rain began to fall, splashing against the glass and obscuring my view. The sorority house was quiet. Too quiet. Most people gone home for the holidays. I was here on my own.
Alone with the voice.
Finding my bedroom too stifling, I decided to take a walk. Throwing my hooded jacket over my black boyfriend jeans and oversized, worn Nightwish shirt, I made my way out of the house and let my feet take me where they wanted to go.
With my hood pulled up high, I startled when I realized where I was: the summerhouse. Casting a glance around me, all was quiet in the frat house, and I tried the doorknob. It was open.
Cautiously edging inside, I shook off the rain, lifted my head, and suddenly jumped so hard my heartbeat thundered in my ears. There at the roaring open fire was Austin, hands flat above the fireplace mantle and head ducked down, staring at the flames.
Nerves accosted me as I watched him. His muscles were huge under his black shirt and jeans, his dark hair messy. And his beautiful tattoos were proudly on display. He was perfection, and the pain in my gut reminded me just how much I missed him… just how much I’d grown to need him. And he’d ripped away that need.
I hadn’t known he was here, at school. From what I could gather, he was always with his momma at the trailer park. Even at football practice, he would do his sprints and leave. He never looked my way, but I was always looking at him. Watching him from afar.
Bowing my head, I began backing out the door, when my foot pressed on a loose floorboard, a loud creak echoing around the room.
Austin’s head snapped back toward me and his face immediately softened when he saw me at the door. “Pix?” Austin whispered in a rough voice.
Looking back at the open door, I decided to leave, but Austin said, “Please, Pix… don’t go.”
Sighing, I turned back around and found Austin right before me. His scent washed over me like a welcomed breeze on a hot summer day and his finger ran down my cheek. He always did that. I was never sure why… I missed that too.
“I was just thinking about you… I’m always fuckin’ thinking of you, Pix.”
He’d been drinking. I could smell the strong scent of whiskey on his breath.
I immediately lifted my chin and was met with burning dark eyes… tired eyes surrounded by dark rings. My hand lifted to his face and I inched closer still. “Austin…” I whispered and almost dropped to the floor as he nuzzled into my palm, seeking my touch. His rough stubble scraped at my skin.
“I just needed to numb the pain, Pix… it’s all so fucked up,” he said almost inaudibly, and I pushed up his chin to meet his unfocused eyes, eyes full of tears.
“Austin, don’t cry,” I said brokenly.
Inhaling a shuddering breath, tears began tumbling from his eyes, shoulders racking, and I pulled all six-feet-four of him into my arms. His forehead lay in the crevice of my neck, and I felt the salty droplets run down my skin.
Even broken like this, he knew not to touch my back, his arms tight around the nape of my neck.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay,” I soothed.
His head shook, and I almost fell over beneath Austin’s massive weight. “No, Pix… nothing’s right. It’s all gone to shit… everything… I had to walk away, don’t you see?”
Unable to take the gutting tone of his voice, I began to cry with him, hopelessly trying to take away his pain.
“Austin, come here.” Lifting his head from my neck, I took hold of his hand and led him to the sofa. Austin dropped to the seat first and, yanking on my arm, pulled me down to sit on his lap. The panic came quick and fast, but Austin, clearly sensing my anxiety, flipped us until we were lying face to face.
The light glow of the fire highlighted Austin’s wet face, and gripping the back of my head with one hand, he brought his lips to mine. As our mouth set into a languid, beautiful embrace, I tasted the salt from his tears on his lips, the hot burn of whiskey on his tongue and I melted into the touch I’d been craving for so long.
Breaking away on a gasp, Austin didn’t release my head. “Pix, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“No, Austin,” I pressed, “you have nothing to apologize for. You can’t fight what was always destined to be.”
He huffed a laugh, but it got caught in his throat and released as a pained sob.
“Talk to me,” I pushed. I couldn’t take him being so sad. “Is it your mamma? Has she got worse?”
A dark shadow seemed to cloud Austin’s eyes and he sucked in the corner of his bottom lip. I knew that movement. Knew it enough to know I was right.
“She’s only got weeks now, Pix. She’s a fuckin’ mess. She can’t really talk no more. Levi’s a mess too. He never leaves her side.”
My stomach fell, and I squeezed his hand in support.
“Where… where have you been? You’re never at school,” I asked nervously.
Austin’s gaze slammed to mine and he swallowed in apprehension. “I’ve been around, Pix. I’m always around.”
“And we’re no more…” It wasn’t exactly a question or a statement. It just was what it was. Reality, I suppose.
The next thing I knew, Austin sighed and rolled on top of me, holding off on crushing me by his arms. He stared at me for an age before crashing his lips to mine. The kiss was searing, hot and desperate, and I was consumed by him. Every cell in my body ignited with want… desire to be everything he needed.
My jeans were next, and in one fluid movement, Austin wrenched them down, taking my panties with them. A flicker of concern ran through my mind at the thought of Austin seeing my thinner legs, but my heart was telling me this was something else, something bigger, and need trumped insecurity and I just let it be.
Kneeling up and straddling my legs, Austin ripped off his shirt and threw it to the floor, his tense and rugged muscles on show.
Digging into his pocket, he pulled out a condom. I realized at that moment that he hadn’t tried to remove my shirt, and I melted even more when I knew it was because he understood my boundaries. He knew so much about me, but we never got past the deeper things hidden… on both sides.
The heavy silence between us felt like electricity in the room. The fire crackled and spat, the owls hooted outside in the trees, the crickets chirped in beat, and all that was drowned out by the sound of Austin’s zipper pulling down and the condom wrapper tearing.
Once done, Austin crawled over my body, nudged my legs apart, placed himself between them, and in one quick thrust, filled me to the hilt. There was no preparation, no going slow. It was just desperate need taking hold.
I didn’t make a noise this time, and neither did he. Everything about this moment felt different somehow, poignant maybe, and we held each other tightly, breathing heavily into each other’s necks.
The fire I’d come to recognize built in my core, and Austin moved quicker as I wrapped my legs around his waist. Reluctantly, Austin raised his head and looked into my eyes, and I almost stilled when I saw tears tumbling from long lashes. They weren’t tears of pain, or even happiness for that matter. They made me think of a farewell… a good-bye.
My hands instantly fell off Austin’s wide shoulders to his face. Good-bye… this was our good-bye…
Conflicted, my body raced for the explosive feeling of our high, while my heart raced in devastation and hurt. The heady emotions were too much to bear, and crying out as my orgasm ripped through me, almost electrifying me from the inside out, I also shuddered in loss and the realization that the boy I’d fallen so deeply in love with was walking away from me for good.