Sweet Fall by Tillie Cole
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Lexi!” my daddy shouted, causing me to jump. He let go of Momma’s hand and crouched before me, grasping my hands. His fingers began to caress every inch of my all-too-slender fingers and my bony knuckles. Daddy’s watery eyes flickered down to our joined hands. A single teardrop splashed on the ceramic white tiles at my feet. For a moment, my stomach flipped as I looked at my daddy, so broken, but the voice in my brain drowned out the solitary crotchet of compassion fighting to be heard.
The voice cooed, Ah-ah-ahhh, Lexington. Do not give in to your emotions. They make you weak. Remember, he is trying to get you to fail. They all are. You must not let them. Think of how far you have come. Stay strong. Only a few more pounds and you will be perfect. Together, we shall make you perfect… perfect.
My shoulders straightened in defiance, and I wrenched my hands away. Daddy slumped to his knees in abject defeat.
The voice was right. They were all trying to block the path to my goal.
“Lexington, we are losing you. Can’t you see that?” he whispered, moving back to sit next to Momma, retaking her hand in his. “Please… come back to us, sweetheart. You’re all we have. You’re our world. Our whole world. This… this… disease has overwhelmed you. Fight it, sweetheart. Fight it with everything you have,” he begged, his head dipping down yet again.
Dr. Lund cleared his throat. “Lexington Hart, anorexia nervosa will kill you. You are severely malnourished and you have been for far too long. I will be frank with you, since you continue to refuse to comply with any intervention and you are blatantly ignoring all our concerns.”
I watched through the large window as a dove soared in the sky outside, only to swoop in and land on the window ledge of Dr. Lund’s room. Its black eyes darted around the office before stopping to focus on me. Its head tipped to the side as if enquiring what was wrong.
“If you don’t get a handle on this soon, we are talking a matter of months before your body will cease to function.” Dr. Lund continued, but I stayed focused on the dove. It was white, pure… beautiful. For a fleeting moment, I wished I were that dove, that I could fly away. Fly away from all of this… confusion… this pressure to be… perfect.
“You are at the stage of your disorder now where you’re losing your hair, your kidneys are shutting down, your teeth are rotting, your incessant purging has worn away the enamel to nothing, and your heart is too strained to cope.”
Dr. Lund sighed and leaned forward, but my dove and I maintained eye contact. I didn’t want to listen to what Dr. Lund had to say. I knew he was just trying to scare me.
The doctor reached forward and gripped my hand, forcing me to meet his serious visage. “This is it, Lexi. This is what it comes down to, the moment you choose life or death, right here, right now. It all comes down to this minute, this second. Fight this. Beat this once and for all. For your family… for yourself.”
As I focused once again on the clock on the wall, the second hand tick-tocking by, I felt a lone tear slip down my cheek, the wet droplet splashing onto the skin on the back of my hand gripping my leg. I watched that drop glisten. Then lifting my head, I watched as my dove seemed to straighten in shock at my crying.
Realization then dawned. I’d let them all get to me. They’d filtered through the cracks. I’d let them sway me from my goal. That droplet was my strength trying to escape my body. I was resolved. There would be no more tears. I could not fail. I would not fail
Shaking my head, I wiped frantically at my cheeks as my dove hunkered down, its feathers fluffing and its head almost seeming to shake. The dove was disappointed in me. Another one to add to the ever-growing list.
I jumped as I felt the whisper of feather-light soothing hands massage at my shoulders, lulling me to relax. I fell into his embrace.
Do not give up now, Lexington. We cannot let them win. We are so, so close, the voice whispered in my mind’s ear, wrapping me up in its protective cocoon. The voice, both my closest friend and most hated adversary, kept me safe. Kept me from failing to achieve my goal.
I couldn’t give up yet.
I was only a few more pounds from perfection.
My emotional walls began to rebuild, brick by treasured brick, blocking out the guilt, blocking out their concerns.
Well done, Lexington. You have made the right choice. I will always be here, pushing you to perfection. We are a team, an unbreakable team. I shall never leave you, ever. Together, we can do no wrong.
A loud coo caught my attention, and I looked once again to the open window, the light summer’s breeze ghosting across my face. My dove spread its wings, turning to face the world outside, lingering only to register a worried glance at me one last time. Slowly, as it broke my gaze, it took flight, soaring high into the endless blue sky, dancing toward the sun, breaking free, never to be seen again, leaving me all alone, just me and the voice—the voice that guaranteed I would never ever fail…
Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me.
Make my heart a better place.
As I listened to the haunting lyrics of yet another song from the playlist Austin had put on, I couldn’t help but feel a flicker of something within my chest. The last few days had been a blur, but one thing I had known was that Austin had been by my side.
Only in the small breaks in my deepest of depressions could I feel the touch of his hand, the stroke of his callused finger running down my cheek.
I couldn’t understand why he was here.
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away,
When you hold me in your embrace.
The lyrics filtered to my brain like a musical message, and before I knew it, I felt a wetness slide down my cheek. I knew I was crying. Only thoughts of Austin could break through the voice’s high walls.
As I stared outside the window at the burning winter sun, the sight of white feathers caught my eye. A dove flew to the tree outside my window and perched on the branch.
It was beautiful.
It reminded me of Austin’s tattoo on his throat, of the dove I saw all those years ago when I was sectioned for the first time. The sight had always calmed me. The dove: the avian representation of love and peace.
Hearing the creak of the door to my room, I didn’t turn around, but soon smelled Austin’s scent of summer rain, that fresh, cool smell that was so uniquely him. Austin would sit beside me, holding my hand and touching my face. He would never say anything, would just sit beside me, cherishing me.
But this time was different.
A sound of something being placed on the food tray before me made my ears prick, and on a heavy sigh, I heard Austin leave me alone.
As I stared at the dove, it turned its head, almost as in encouragement to look down.
Lifting my weak hand, I managed to roll slightly to the side and saw my journal lying on the tray. It was open on a page, but I frowned when I realized the writing wasn’t mine.
Casting a glance to the shut door, I allowed myself to slowly pull the tray closer to me and began to read the intruding message in my most treasured possession…
Dear Lexi,
Dear Pix,
Where to begin?
I suppose I should start with an apology.
I have done wrong by you. So fucking wrong.
I left when you needed me most. I left you alone with the voice, knowing it was getting harder and harder for you each day. I thought by leaving you out of my fucked-up life, I could prevent you from being hurt. From falling back into his powerful arms. But all I did was crush you by making you feel unwanted… rejected, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
My time with you over the past several months has been the most special of my life. After years of hiding in shame of who I was and where I was from, you accepted me for me, no pretenses, just me for me. I dream about you. I dream about you all the time. Dreams that, before you, I never would’ve ever thought possible.
And now you’re here, in this hell, and I can
’t get through to you. I can’t get you to speak. Please, Pix, say something. Just something so I know you haven’t given up—on life, on your friends… on us.
I need you so much that I can’t breathe. Everything is wrong without you in my life. Talk to me. Come back to me. Fight the voice, for me. I will not say my good-byes to you too.
It’s funny. I used to look up at the stars and feel so small and unimportant. But I’ve come to realize that the only thing that can ever make you feel alive and important is the one person who takes you for you.
You once said that you wondered if the stars were looking down on us. Did they pity mankind for the fuck-ups we are? But now I see the truth. I now pity the stars. For as much as humans mess up time and time again, we also get to fall in love. We get to be with the other half of our soul, the one that makes us complete. All the stars get to do is watch from above, wishing it was them feeling this crushing yet liberating emotion.
I need you, Pix.
I need you so badly to come back to me… and when you do, I have those two words that I finally want to get off my chest.
So when you’re ready, look up. I am waiting for you, baby. I’ll always be there, waiting for you to return home.
Raising my blurring eyes up off the page, I looked to the door, and there, leaning against the doorframe like a fallen angel, was Austin, arms folded over his chest and his dark eyes fixed on me.
Unable to find the strength to lift my hands to wipe away the wetness on my cheeks, I let the cascading waterfall of tears fall from my eyes and watched the broken boy that I loved so fiercely swallow and whisper hoarsely, “Why the war paint, Pix?”
My slow heart rate sped to a frightening rhythm, and closing my eyes, I pushed down the voice that had been in control of me for months and finally confessed, “Because I’m anorexic. I’m severely anorexic, and I try to hide it from the world.”
Austin tipped back his head and sucked in the corner of his bottom lip. He was crying too.
“Why the tattoos, Austin?”
Austin fixed his gaze on me and replied, “Because they make the fucked-up, scared little lost boy from the trailer park seem tough. Make him feel strong enough to deal with the shit show he calls life.”
Inhaling through my nose, I released a loud sob and heard the heavy footfalls of Austin running to my bed, and he grabbed my hand in his.
“Pix! Fuck, Pix. I’m so scared. I’m so fuckin’ scared of losing you.”
Opening my eyes, I stared into his and whispered back, “I’m so scared too. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to fall. But I don’t know how to win.”
Gathering me in his arms, avoiding my back, Austin climbed on the bed, his black shirt and jeans crumpled from days of wear. Facing me on the bed, we both broke down in tears, exorcizing our demons and exposing our true selves for the first time in our lives.
“We have no more secrets,” I managed to say with a small smile when we had calmed to a heavy silence.
Lifting to his elbows and brushing my hair from my face, Austin said, “Not quite, Pix. There’s one more thing I have to say.”
I didn’t know whether it was the tone of his voice or the serious look on his face, but nerves wracked my body and I held my breath in anticipation.
Austin lowered his head, his lips almost meeting mine, and confessed, “Ti amo, Pix. Ti amo tantissimo.”
“You… you love me?” I asked, still in shock.
Austin nodded. “More than the stars in the sky.”
I felt like fireworks exploded in my chest and, finding strength to lift my shaking hand, I laid it on his rough stubble and whispered back, “I love you too, Austin. I love you too.”
Austin pressed his lips against mine and feathered kisses on my mouth. Pulling back, he said, “I need you to get better, Pix. I need you, period. And you’ve been scaring the shit outta me for the past few days.”
I could only stare.
“You’re beautiful, Pix. And I think we’d be pretty fuckin’ beautiful together. I know I’ve fucked up. But the dealing’s done with. I see that now. Axel has taken off, and I swear I’ll get Levi out of the Heighters if it’s the last thing I do.”
Bringing my palm to his cheek, I whispered, “This is your redemption, Austin. Your chance to get out… And I want you more than life itself.”
Tears filled his eyes, and he said, “You gotta start eating, Pix.”
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know if I could promise him that.
“Because I keep having this dream. This fuckin’ dream that feels too real to be just an illusion, to be something that can never come true.”
My pulse began to race. “What… what happens in this dream?”
Austin pressed kisses to my hand and said, “There’s you and me. We’re on a beach somewhere, living near the water. You’re laughing so hard, so free. You’re healthy. Strong. And we have three fuckin’ kids. All of them with dark hair and eyes. They’re running around splashing in the water as I hold you in my arms, watching them. I feel you laughing against my chest, and not the fake shit you put on show for your friends. It’s real happy laughter, laughter from your heart.”
“Austin…” I trailed off, seeing the dream so vividly in my mind, my emotions jumping all over the place.
“Pix, I’ve never let myself think like this before. To be honest, I never thought I’d live beyond my teens.” Austin pressed his lips against my palm… his face desperate for me to listen, to want the dream too. “But you made me want more. From life. From a God I thought had deserted me. From myself. You made me believe there could be more out there than just drug running and guns. So you can’t die, Pix. ’Cause I really want that fuckin’ dream to come true. I really need it to come true.”
I wanted to assure him, tell him it was all going to be okay, but I just couldn’t move on with my future until I conquered the demons from my past.
“Baby?” Austin whispered. “I love you.”
“Austin… is my purse in here?”
Austin frowned at my random question but looked around the room for my purse. Standing, he retrieved it from the vanity and brought it to my bed.
“Open it,” I instructed. Austin did as I asked, and I said, “Go in the zipper compartment.” Again, he did, and I knew he felt the picture when his eyebrows lifted in interest.
Austin sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the old picture. I slowly saw the recognition on his face. His eyes drifted to meet mine.
“This is you?”
Trying to stop my wobbling lip, I nodded. “I was sixteen. It was taken at cheer camp a month before I became ill. Before anorexia came into my life and began to rip me apart.” I took a deep breath. “That was me before the war paint. Before I hid myself away from the world.”
Austin ran his finger over the crinkled old photograph. “You’re a natural blond.”
“Yeah. I was your stereotypical cheerleader. Blond, tanned and peppy. Perfect makeup, A-grade student. The whole nine yards.”
Austin leaned forward and ran his hand over my hair. “You were cute as a blond, Pix, but I kinda prefer the black. You know I love the alt look.”
Heart racing and pulse throbbing, I asked, “I suppose you think that girl is prettier than the one you see now, huh?”
Austin took the photograph and put it back in my purse, and in doing so, put my past to bed. Taking my hand in his, he said, “Now that’s where you’re wrong. You’re always beautiful to me, Pix. Nothing you do will ever change that. Short, tall, fat, thin, blond, brunette… just as long as it’s you, as long as the real you shines through.”
Happiness burst in my chest at his words because I could see that he meant them, and I couldn’t contain my sobs.
Tears streamed down Austin’s face too and, pressing his forehead to mine, he said, “Pix, I need you to start eating… please. Will you try for me? I beg you…”
“I’m… I’m gonna try…”
“Then that’s all I can ask.”
/>
Austin moved down to press the gentlest of kisses to my lips…
The voice in my head fell completely silent.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexi
“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.
Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”
The voice cooed, Ah-ah-ahhh, Lexington. Do not give in to your emotions. They make you weak. Remember, he is trying to get you to fail. They all are. You must not let them. Think of how far you have come. Stay strong. Only a few more pounds and you will be perfect. Together, we shall make you perfect… perfect.
My shoulders straightened in defiance, and I wrenched my hands away. Daddy slumped to his knees in abject defeat.
The voice was right. They were all trying to block the path to my goal.
“Lexington, we are losing you. Can’t you see that?” he whispered, moving back to sit next to Momma, retaking her hand in his. “Please… come back to us, sweetheart. You’re all we have. You’re our world. Our whole world. This… this… disease has overwhelmed you. Fight it, sweetheart. Fight it with everything you have,” he begged, his head dipping down yet again.
Dr. Lund cleared his throat. “Lexington Hart, anorexia nervosa will kill you. You are severely malnourished and you have been for far too long. I will be frank with you, since you continue to refuse to comply with any intervention and you are blatantly ignoring all our concerns.”
I watched through the large window as a dove soared in the sky outside, only to swoop in and land on the window ledge of Dr. Lund’s room. Its black eyes darted around the office before stopping to focus on me. Its head tipped to the side as if enquiring what was wrong.
“If you don’t get a handle on this soon, we are talking a matter of months before your body will cease to function.” Dr. Lund continued, but I stayed focused on the dove. It was white, pure… beautiful. For a fleeting moment, I wished I were that dove, that I could fly away. Fly away from all of this… confusion… this pressure to be… perfect.
“You are at the stage of your disorder now where you’re losing your hair, your kidneys are shutting down, your teeth are rotting, your incessant purging has worn away the enamel to nothing, and your heart is too strained to cope.”
Dr. Lund sighed and leaned forward, but my dove and I maintained eye contact. I didn’t want to listen to what Dr. Lund had to say. I knew he was just trying to scare me.
The doctor reached forward and gripped my hand, forcing me to meet his serious visage. “This is it, Lexi. This is what it comes down to, the moment you choose life or death, right here, right now. It all comes down to this minute, this second. Fight this. Beat this once and for all. For your family… for yourself.”
As I focused once again on the clock on the wall, the second hand tick-tocking by, I felt a lone tear slip down my cheek, the wet droplet splashing onto the skin on the back of my hand gripping my leg. I watched that drop glisten. Then lifting my head, I watched as my dove seemed to straighten in shock at my crying.
Realization then dawned. I’d let them all get to me. They’d filtered through the cracks. I’d let them sway me from my goal. That droplet was my strength trying to escape my body. I was resolved. There would be no more tears. I could not fail. I would not fail
Shaking my head, I wiped frantically at my cheeks as my dove hunkered down, its feathers fluffing and its head almost seeming to shake. The dove was disappointed in me. Another one to add to the ever-growing list.
I jumped as I felt the whisper of feather-light soothing hands massage at my shoulders, lulling me to relax. I fell into his embrace.
Do not give up now, Lexington. We cannot let them win. We are so, so close, the voice whispered in my mind’s ear, wrapping me up in its protective cocoon. The voice, both my closest friend and most hated adversary, kept me safe. Kept me from failing to achieve my goal.
I couldn’t give up yet.
I was only a few more pounds from perfection.
My emotional walls began to rebuild, brick by treasured brick, blocking out the guilt, blocking out their concerns.
Well done, Lexington. You have made the right choice. I will always be here, pushing you to perfection. We are a team, an unbreakable team. I shall never leave you, ever. Together, we can do no wrong.
A loud coo caught my attention, and I looked once again to the open window, the light summer’s breeze ghosting across my face. My dove spread its wings, turning to face the world outside, lingering only to register a worried glance at me one last time. Slowly, as it broke my gaze, it took flight, soaring high into the endless blue sky, dancing toward the sun, breaking free, never to be seen again, leaving me all alone, just me and the voice—the voice that guaranteed I would never ever fail…
Don’t tear it down, what’s left of me.
Make my heart a better place.
As I listened to the haunting lyrics of yet another song from the playlist Austin had put on, I couldn’t help but feel a flicker of something within my chest. The last few days had been a blur, but one thing I had known was that Austin had been by my side.
Only in the small breaks in my deepest of depressions could I feel the touch of his hand, the stroke of his callused finger running down my cheek.
I couldn’t understand why he was here.
Can you still see the heart of me?
All my agony fades away,
When you hold me in your embrace.
The lyrics filtered to my brain like a musical message, and before I knew it, I felt a wetness slide down my cheek. I knew I was crying. Only thoughts of Austin could break through the voice’s high walls.
As I stared outside the window at the burning winter sun, the sight of white feathers caught my eye. A dove flew to the tree outside my window and perched on the branch.
It was beautiful.
It reminded me of Austin’s tattoo on his throat, of the dove I saw all those years ago when I was sectioned for the first time. The sight had always calmed me. The dove: the avian representation of love and peace.
Hearing the creak of the door to my room, I didn’t turn around, but soon smelled Austin’s scent of summer rain, that fresh, cool smell that was so uniquely him. Austin would sit beside me, holding my hand and touching my face. He would never say anything, would just sit beside me, cherishing me.
But this time was different.
A sound of something being placed on the food tray before me made my ears prick, and on a heavy sigh, I heard Austin leave me alone.
As I stared at the dove, it turned its head, almost as in encouragement to look down.
Lifting my weak hand, I managed to roll slightly to the side and saw my journal lying on the tray. It was open on a page, but I frowned when I realized the writing wasn’t mine.
Casting a glance to the shut door, I allowed myself to slowly pull the tray closer to me and began to read the intruding message in my most treasured possession…
Dear Lexi,
Dear Pix,
Where to begin?
I suppose I should start with an apology.
I have done wrong by you. So fucking wrong.
I left when you needed me most. I left you alone with the voice, knowing it was getting harder and harder for you each day. I thought by leaving you out of my fucked-up life, I could prevent you from being hurt. From falling back into his powerful arms. But all I did was crush you by making you feel unwanted… rejected, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.
My time with you over the past several months has been the most special of my life. After years of hiding in shame of who I was and where I was from, you accepted me for me, no pretenses, just me for me. I dream about you. I dream about you all the time. Dreams that, before you, I never would’ve ever thought possible.
And now you’re here, in this hell, and I can
I need you so much that I can’t breathe. Everything is wrong without you in my life. Talk to me. Come back to me. Fight the voice, for me. I will not say my good-byes to you too.
It’s funny. I used to look up at the stars and feel so small and unimportant. But I’ve come to realize that the only thing that can ever make you feel alive and important is the one person who takes you for you.
You once said that you wondered if the stars were looking down on us. Did they pity mankind for the fuck-ups we are? But now I see the truth. I now pity the stars. For as much as humans mess up time and time again, we also get to fall in love. We get to be with the other half of our soul, the one that makes us complete. All the stars get to do is watch from above, wishing it was them feeling this crushing yet liberating emotion.
I need you, Pix.
I need you so badly to come back to me… and when you do, I have those two words that I finally want to get off my chest.
So when you’re ready, look up. I am waiting for you, baby. I’ll always be there, waiting for you to return home.
Raising my blurring eyes up off the page, I looked to the door, and there, leaning against the doorframe like a fallen angel, was Austin, arms folded over his chest and his dark eyes fixed on me.
Unable to find the strength to lift my hands to wipe away the wetness on my cheeks, I let the cascading waterfall of tears fall from my eyes and watched the broken boy that I loved so fiercely swallow and whisper hoarsely, “Why the war paint, Pix?”
My slow heart rate sped to a frightening rhythm, and closing my eyes, I pushed down the voice that had been in control of me for months and finally confessed, “Because I’m anorexic. I’m severely anorexic, and I try to hide it from the world.”
Austin tipped back his head and sucked in the corner of his bottom lip. He was crying too.
“Why the tattoos, Austin?”
Austin fixed his gaze on me and replied, “Because they make the fucked-up, scared little lost boy from the trailer park seem tough. Make him feel strong enough to deal with the shit show he calls life.”
Inhaling through my nose, I released a loud sob and heard the heavy footfalls of Austin running to my bed, and he grabbed my hand in his.
“Pix! Fuck, Pix. I’m so scared. I’m so fuckin’ scared of losing you.”
Opening my eyes, I stared into his and whispered back, “I’m so scared too. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to fall. But I don’t know how to win.”
Gathering me in his arms, avoiding my back, Austin climbed on the bed, his black shirt and jeans crumpled from days of wear. Facing me on the bed, we both broke down in tears, exorcizing our demons and exposing our true selves for the first time in our lives.
“We have no more secrets,” I managed to say with a small smile when we had calmed to a heavy silence.
Lifting to his elbows and brushing my hair from my face, Austin said, “Not quite, Pix. There’s one more thing I have to say.”
I didn’t know whether it was the tone of his voice or the serious look on his face, but nerves wracked my body and I held my breath in anticipation.
Austin lowered his head, his lips almost meeting mine, and confessed, “Ti amo, Pix. Ti amo tantissimo.”
“You… you love me?” I asked, still in shock.
Austin nodded. “More than the stars in the sky.”
I felt like fireworks exploded in my chest and, finding strength to lift my shaking hand, I laid it on his rough stubble and whispered back, “I love you too, Austin. I love you too.”
Austin pressed his lips against mine and feathered kisses on my mouth. Pulling back, he said, “I need you to get better, Pix. I need you, period. And you’ve been scaring the shit outta me for the past few days.”
I could only stare.
“You’re beautiful, Pix. And I think we’d be pretty fuckin’ beautiful together. I know I’ve fucked up. But the dealing’s done with. I see that now. Axel has taken off, and I swear I’ll get Levi out of the Heighters if it’s the last thing I do.”
Bringing my palm to his cheek, I whispered, “This is your redemption, Austin. Your chance to get out… And I want you more than life itself.”
Tears filled his eyes, and he said, “You gotta start eating, Pix.”
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know if I could promise him that.
“Because I keep having this dream. This fuckin’ dream that feels too real to be just an illusion, to be something that can never come true.”
My pulse began to race. “What… what happens in this dream?”
Austin pressed kisses to my hand and said, “There’s you and me. We’re on a beach somewhere, living near the water. You’re laughing so hard, so free. You’re healthy. Strong. And we have three fuckin’ kids. All of them with dark hair and eyes. They’re running around splashing in the water as I hold you in my arms, watching them. I feel you laughing against my chest, and not the fake shit you put on show for your friends. It’s real happy laughter, laughter from your heart.”
“Austin…” I trailed off, seeing the dream so vividly in my mind, my emotions jumping all over the place.
“Pix, I’ve never let myself think like this before. To be honest, I never thought I’d live beyond my teens.” Austin pressed his lips against my palm… his face desperate for me to listen, to want the dream too. “But you made me want more. From life. From a God I thought had deserted me. From myself. You made me believe there could be more out there than just drug running and guns. So you can’t die, Pix. ’Cause I really want that fuckin’ dream to come true. I really need it to come true.”
I wanted to assure him, tell him it was all going to be okay, but I just couldn’t move on with my future until I conquered the demons from my past.
“Baby?” Austin whispered. “I love you.”
“Austin… is my purse in here?”
Austin frowned at my random question but looked around the room for my purse. Standing, he retrieved it from the vanity and brought it to my bed.
“Open it,” I instructed. Austin did as I asked, and I said, “Go in the zipper compartment.” Again, he did, and I knew he felt the picture when his eyebrows lifted in interest.
Austin sat on the edge of the bed and pulled out the old picture. I slowly saw the recognition on his face. His eyes drifted to meet mine.
“This is you?”
Trying to stop my wobbling lip, I nodded. “I was sixteen. It was taken at cheer camp a month before I became ill. Before anorexia came into my life and began to rip me apart.” I took a deep breath. “That was me before the war paint. Before I hid myself away from the world.”
Austin ran his finger over the crinkled old photograph. “You’re a natural blond.”
“Yeah. I was your stereotypical cheerleader. Blond, tanned and peppy. Perfect makeup, A-grade student. The whole nine yards.”
Austin leaned forward and ran his hand over my hair. “You were cute as a blond, Pix, but I kinda prefer the black. You know I love the alt look.”
Heart racing and pulse throbbing, I asked, “I suppose you think that girl is prettier than the one you see now, huh?”
Austin took the photograph and put it back in my purse, and in doing so, put my past to bed. Taking my hand in his, he said, “Now that’s where you’re wrong. You’re always beautiful to me, Pix. Nothing you do will ever change that. Short, tall, fat, thin, blond, brunette… just as long as it’s you, as long as the real you shines through.”
Happiness burst in my chest at his words because I could see that he meant them, and I couldn’t contain my sobs.
Tears streamed down Austin’s face too and, pressing his forehead to mine, he said, “Pix, I need you to start eating… please. Will you try for me? I beg you…”
“I’m… I’m gonna try…”
“Then that’s all I can ask.”
Austin moved down to press the gentlest of kisses to my lips…
The voice in my head fell completely silent.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Lexi
“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.
Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”