Sweet Fall by Tillie Cole
Never breaking my gaze, Austin tensed, his neck straining and muscles cording as he welcomed his release. Then on a sharp exhale, he collapsed onto my chest.
I stared out of the skylight and up to the man in the moon as I felt Austin’s heart beat rapidly in his chest. On the one hand, I was numb, but on the other, feeling every stab of rejection and disappointment that was humanly possible. Squeezing my eyes shut against the pain in my chest, I allowed myself a final stroke through Austin’s hair and I ran my hand down his spine.
As I reached his lower back, Austin lifted his head, tears glistening, and said, “I was never good enough for you, Pix. I’m trash; you’re gold. I ain’t having you brought into this piece of shit trash world I live in. You deserve more than me, more from life. So much fuckin’ more. I’ll only ever drag you down.”
I didn’t say anything in response. Austin moved beside me and, facing each other, he pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over our bodies. We kissed, we held each other tight, and I don’t remember when it was I fell asleep. But I remember waking up to an empty room, feeling the void Austin’s absence had left.
As I stared into the dying embers of the fire, light, soothing hands began to massage my shoulders, and I felt myself relax.
Give yourself over to me, Lexington. Freely hand me the reins. I can make you feel better. I can give you control in your life where you currently have none. We’re almost at perfection, Lexington. Give yourself to me once and for all. Let us finally achieve our goal. Let us reach perfection…
Closing my eyes, I let the voice’s words seep into my mind. It was always there for me. Always making me feel wanted, giving me a purpose.
As though a breeze swooped up and carried away all my fight, I felt myself relax and whispered to the silent room, “Take what you want. Make me perfect. I give myself freely. I just haven’t got the strength to fight you anymore…”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Austin
BCS National Championship
Rose Bowl Stadium, Pasadena, California
“Fuck, Carillo! We did it!” Rome shouted as he ran my way after scoring the game-winning touchdown against Notre Dame.
“You did it, Bullet! First-round draft for sure!” I replied, truly excited for my best friend. With what him and his girl had been through over the last few months, the brother deserved it.
Rome’s forehead pressed to mine, and he said, “Both of us, Carillo, we’re both getting the fuck out of this place and starting new lives.”
I nodded but didn’t say anything in response. Rome tapped me on the cheek, then put all his attention on his girl in the stands. Molly had returned just before the game, after weeks of no word. She had come back to Rome, to Bama, and I’d never seen Rome play so well in my whole life.
Like a magnet was pulling at my back, I turned my head to gaze across the field behind me, and there, through the parting of the crowd, was Pix, her eyes fixed on mine. Un piccolo folleto oscuro, I thought… a little dark pixie.
I felt an overwhelming sense of nausea roll through my stomach as I saw the shedding pain shining in her eyes. She looked so tiny in her Crimson Tide uniform, gripping white pompoms in her hands, her black hair perfectly curled and her scarlet lips and kohl-rimmed eyes routinely in place. That’s when I noticed the slenderness of her arms, of her legs. Lexi immediately covered her chest with her arms, and her eyes grew blank and stared at the grass.
Shit.
I moved to go toward her, when her chin snapped up and she slowly shook her head. That action had me stilling, and before I knew it, Lyle came to where she stood, and like an Oscar winning actress, she became that fake persona, became what everyone else knew her to be: peppy and fun-loving Lexi. It killed me to see it, knowing the real beauty of the person she always hid.
I watched as she placed a kiss on Lyle’s cheek, then sprinted to Molly in the stands, where Molly immediately wrapped Lexi in her arms. I caught Lexi stiffen, but again, no one else seemed to notice.
Were they all so fuckin’ blind that their best friend was losing it? But then I saw Cass and the intensely worried look on her face. Thank fuck, someone else was concerned. I could tell by her stern face, and her knowing look to Ally, that they were onto my girl.
The commentator moved to the mic, and it was time for the trophy presentation. Taking a deep breath, I moved to the stage and tried to seem proud.
Another pretender to add to the field.
National Championship Homecoming Party
Tuscaloosa, Alabama
The party was in full swing, and after a full-day homecoming parade through the streets of Tuscaloosa, proudly showing the trophy, we were back at the frat house, celebrating the win. The place was overflowing with students fucked off their faces on liquor… and for many, something more.
As I scanned the party, I took a swig of my Peroni, checking no campus cops had come on the grounds and that the dean was nowhere in sight.
Nothing, that was good.
Hearing a cough behind me, I turned to see some freshman kid looking nervous, his eyes darting all over the place.
“What?” I asked curtly.
“Been told to see you about getting something to party with.”
Checking we weren’t being watched, I said, “What you after?”
“E, coke, don’t matter.” He shrugged.
“Summerhouse, over there, behind the trees.” I flicked my chin in the direction he needed to go.
The kid’s eyes widened with excitement, and just as he went to walk away, I grabbed his arm. “Don’t be telling no one who sold you that shit.” I tapped the stidda on my cheek, and the kid just gulped.
“H-Heighters?” he whispered and pretty much shit himself on the spot. I nodded slowly, and, ducking his head, he muttered, “I won’t, Carillo. I won’t say a thing.”
I watched him disappear from view and knew Axel would be loving this volume of trade. The coin we were making tonight would be enough for my mamma to see out the rest of her days the right way, but I fuckin’ hated doing this shit on my turf, with my teammates all around.
“Carillo! Get the fuck here!”
Hearing my name, I turned to see Rome sitting on a sofa, Molly on his lap, with all the rest of the gang around them. Well, all except Lexi. I had no idea where she was.
As I approached, Rome, all full of smiles, motioned for me to sit down.
“Where you keep disappearing to, Carillo? You ain’t ever around no more,” he asked, and I shrugged.
“Ain’t been going nowhere. You’re just too wrapped up in your girl to notice me anymore,” I joked.
Rome’s eyes narrowed slightly, and I knew he was detecting something was up. Molly, however, just pulled Rome in for a kiss. Cass and Jimmy-Don were unusually quiet. In fact, the whole group was.
I caught Molly nudging Rome in the side and he nodded his head at her. “We’re moving in together,” he said proudly, and we all gaped at them in response.
“Ah, take those looks of your damn faces. You telling me after everything we’ve been through, moving in together is a shock?”
As we all looked to one another, I shrugged. The guy was right. Their relationship moved at lightning speed. It made sense they’d be living together soon. Fuck, I was surprised he hadn’t proposed.
Taking a sip of whatever was in her hipflask, Cass leaned forward, putting all her attention on me. “So, Carillo…” Jimmy-Don tried to hold her back with his hand on her arm. But she shrugged him off, totally serious for once. “What’s going on with you and my girl Lex?”
My heart slammed in my chest, and suddenly, all eyes were on me. “Ain’t nothing going on,” I replied evasively.
“Whatever, Carillo! Something’s going on with her, and I’m thinking you know more than you’re letting on.”
“Where is she now?” I asked, and Ally shuffled uncomfortably on her seat. My eyes fell on her.
I waited for her to speak, and sighing, she said, “She’s n
Sitting forward, I glared at Ally and willed her to keep going. I knew she was building up to something. Something she thought was wrong. I could see Cass was verging on saying something too. The tension in the group was almost choking me.
“Carillo! There he is!” I heard from behind me and saw Rome, Reece, and Jimmy-Don scowl. Ally dismissed what she was gonna say and began chewing on her nails. Molly’s attention was on her as she too looked concerned over what Ally was gonna say.
“Porter, what the fuck’s up with you?” Rome snapped.
Porter was practically bouncing on his feet. Fuck, I thought. He was high on coke.
Jumping from my seat, I tried to usher him away. “Let’s go,” I said and pushed on his chest.
Porter spread his arms wide. “Carillo! Turns out I never needed you anyway. Your twin brother just sold me some snow.”
All around me went quiet, and Rome jumped to his feet.
“Coke? Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” Rome snapped and, gripping my arm, spun me to face his hard glare.
Porter’s eyes glazed and his lips rolled over his gums. He was on coke all right, and I was gonna kill Axel when I saw him. I told him over and over, no fuckin’ Tide players.
“Porter!” Jimmy-Don shouted and lurched off his seat, taking him by his arms.
“Shit!” Rome spat, and when I looked to Porter, blood was pouring from his nose.
Shit, shit, shit…
“Porter, you okay? Talk to me,” Jimmy-Don said as Porter’s eyes rolled back, his body convulsing and foam frothing from his mouth.
“Call 9-1-1!” Reece shouted, and students began whipping out their cells.
“Move! Campus PD!” a low male voice shouted, and pushing through the crowd came the uniformed campus PD and the dean following behind.
The dean’s eyes were fixed on mine, and I swear the fucker was smirking in triumph. “What’s he taken?” the dean asked, and Porter’s friend Cooper answered, “Coke. He snorted coke.”
As more campus PD turned up, the dean said, “Search the grounds. Find the dealers! This ends tonight!”
Dread pitted in my stomach, and Rome was suddenly at my side. “Get the fuck outta here, Carillo, now.”
“But, Axe—”
Rome grabbed the collar of my shirt and dragged me back and around the corner out of sight. Taking hold of his wrist, I ripped his hand off me and spun Rome around until his back hit the wall. “Get the fuck off me, Rome,” I snarled, and then Rome pushed me back.
“You need to get your fuckin’ head out your ass, Austin. Leave Axe. He’s done. And he’s royally fucked up this time! He’s dealt drugs and someone’s OD’d! That’s prison time, Austin. What part of this clusterfuck ain’t you getting?”
Prison time. FUCK!
With my heart pounding in my chest, I backed away and said, “You don’t understand, Rome. You have no fuckin’ idea.” Then I ran, leaving my best friend running his hand through his long blond hair in concern. I ran all the way to the bus, which was just pulling into my stop.
It took me forty minutes to get home, and when I made it under the sign of Westside Heights, Gio’s car suddenly pulled up and he flew outta the door.
“Where’s Axe?” I asked in panic.
“Cops got him, but he managed to get away. He’s fuckin’ gone, Austin. Needs to lay low. I told him not to make contact for a while.”
Gone?
No!
Tipping my head back to the sky, I stared at the stars and ran my palms down my face. Fuck, he had all the money. All Mamma’s med money.
A hand slapped on my shoulder—Gio.
“He had all our fuckin’ money.” I voiced my concern out loud.
Gio nodded his head as though in sympathy, but I could see the spark of excitement in his eyes. “Then we get you more,” he said simply.
Staring off to my trailer, I saw Levi watching me from the window, his bruised face now more yellow. I met his eyes and saw the pleading in his gaze. But then I looked to Mamma’s bedroom window, and I knew what had to be done.
“You need a right-hand man until Axel comes back?”
Gio’s wide grin took up all his Sicilian face. “Time to make some green, Austin. You and me gonna clean up.”
A question that had been plaguing me for years came to mind. “Gio?”
“Yeah?”
“How did Axe get me out of the crew when I was seventeen? What did promise you?”
Gio pointed to Levi standing at the window and my heart sank. “Him. Axe promised me your baby bro as soon as he reached fourteen.”
Rage like never before surged through me. Why was Axel such a fuckin’ disappointment? And why did he always have to put this fuckin’ crew first?
“Let’s go, kid. We got business,” Gio said, waving me over. And with Gio’s hand around my shoulder, I let him walk me into his trailer.
I was now the Heighters’ number-two man.
Fuckin’ A.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lexi
One month later…
“So you’ll come to our housewarming tonight?” Molly asked over the phone. She sounded so excited, and my chest burned in happiness for her, but perhaps an element of jealously also.
“I’m… I’m not sure, Molls. I’m supposed to go to—”
Molly’s heavy sigh cut me off. “Lexi, we never see you anymore. You’re always at home with your folks or busy doing something else with the squad. I swear, you and Austin have almost completely disappeared from our lives.”
Daggers pierced my heart as she mentioned Austin. I hadn’t spoken to him in ages, hadn’t even seen him. And as for spending all my time with my folks? They were all wrong, my folks were still away. I was always at their house alone, Daisy’s grave or the gym. I didn’t even go to my classes. Now that cheerleading had stopped and the football season was at an end, I needed to exercise somehow. Hide away somewhere no one ever went.
I was down to seventy pounds flat. I was almost at perfection.
“Lexi? Are you there, sweetie?” Molly asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“So will you come? We want to see you… We all do… We miss you. Since I moved in with Rome, I seem to see everyone but you. I hate not seeing your lovely bright smile.” Her voice was a whisper at the end, and I felt like the worst friend in the world.
“Okay, I’ll be there, Molls. What time?”
“Is seven okay?” she asked, and I could hear the relief in her voice.
“I’ll be there, Molls. I’m excited to see your new place.”
As Molly hung up the phone, I began planning what to wear. It had to be something that would disguise how much weight I’d lost, something where they wouldn’t suspect. I should double up on my jeans and shirts to add more pounds. If I bulked up my clothes they wouldn’t notice the weight loss.
Weight loss, Lexington? You have not lost enough for them to notice anything, the voice said in response to my thoughts. He was right. I hadn’t lost enough for them to notice anything. I wasn’t committing to my weight loss hard enough.
I ran my hand through my hair in panic, and as I pulled my hand down, a clump of hair came out in my hand. When this first happened, I recoiled in shock. Now it made me happy.
I was so close to reaching perfection.
I stood at the sprawling white apartment complex, and my eyes widened. This place was amazing. I knew Rome had lots of money, but this was something else.
Walking to the intercom, I pressed the button for number four, and the buzzer sounded, opening the gate.
As I entered the main doors, I looked up at the elevator but decided to take the stairs. Four flights of stairs would burn around twenty calories. But when I made it to the second floor, my vision blurred and I had to grab the handrail for support. I felt as though someone were squeezing my lungs as my breat
“Lexi? Are you down there?”
My head snapped up at the sound of Molly’s voice, and I straightened, taking a deep breath, and set to climbing the rest of the stairs, finding a source of energy from somewhere deep within.
Molly’s smiling face was at the top. She looked beautiful dressed in a fitted pink dress and her brown hair down. But when her eyes met mine, that smile on her face seemed to falter.
As I reached the top, I avoided her hug by passing her a gift bag. “For your housewarming,” I said, and Molly took the bag without looking inside.
“Thanks, sweetie,” she said, still staring at me, and motioned for me to enter the apartment.
It was beautiful—all white, pristine walls and modern furnishings.
Hearing the murmur of voices from what I presumed was the living room, I made my way through to see Rome, Cass, Reece, Jimmy-Don, and Ally.
No Austin, though. I wasn’t sure if I was happy or sad about that fact.
“Hey, guys,” I said in the cheeriest voice possible when I realized nobody had heard me enter. All eyes fixed on me, silence filling the room.
I swayed unsteadily on my feet, slightly lightheaded from the walk up the stairs. They all stared… and stared… and stared… before finally, Ally scooted over and tapped the sofa cushion beside her.
“Come, sit, darlin’,” she said.
Why is she acting so weird?
Tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear, I pulled the sweater’s loose sleeves down over my palms and, hunching over to hide my fat, sat down on the seat.
My friends’ eyes darted around the room and onto each other as I sat squirming on my seat.
“How you doing, Lex?” Rome eventually said and sat forward.