The Wanderer; or, Female Difficulties (Volume 2 of 5) by Fanny Burney

  CHAPTER XXXV

  Ellis remained in the deepest disturbance at the engagement into whichshe had entered. O cruel necessity! cruel, imperious necessity! shecried, to what a resource dost thou drive me! How unjust, how improper,how perilous!--Ah! rather let me cast myself upon Lady Aurora--Yet,angel as she is, can Lady Aurora act for herself? And Lord Melbury,guileless, like his nature, as may now be his intentions, whatprotection can he afford me that calumny may not sully? Alas! how may Iattain that self-dependence which alone, at this critical period, suitsmy forlorn condition?

  The horror of a new debt, incurred under circumstances thus delicate,made the idea even of performing at the public benefit, present itselfto her in colours less formidable, if such a measure, by restoring toher the patronage of Miss Arbe, would obviate the return of similarevils, while she was thus hanging, in solitary obscurity, upon herself.Vainly she would have turned her thoughts to other plans, and objectsyet untried; she had no means to form any independent scheme; no friendsto promote her interest; no counsellors to point out any pursuit, ordirect any measures.

  Her creditors failed not to call upon her early the next morning, guidedand accompanied by Mr Giles Arbe; who, bright with smiles and goodhumour, declared, that he could not refuse himself the pleasure of beinga witness to her getting rid of such a bad business, as that of keepingother people's money, by doing such a good one as that of paying everyone his due. 'You are much obliged to this pretty lady, I can tell you,'he said, to the creditors, 'for she pays you with money that is not herown. However, as the person it belongs to is rich, and a friend, Iadvise you, as you are none of you rich yourselves, and nearly strangersto her, to take it without scruple.'

  To this counsel there was not one dissentient voice.

  Can the same person, thought Ellis, be so innocent, yet so mischievous?so fraught with solid notions of right, yet so shallow in judgement, andknowledge of the world?

  With a trembling hand, and revolting heart, she changed three of thenotes, and discharged all the accounts at once; Mr Giles, eagerly andunbidden, having called up Miss Matson to take her share.

  Ellis now deliberated, whether she might not free herself from everydemand, by paying, also, Miss Bydel; but the reluctance with which shehad already broken into the fearful deposit, soon fixed her to seal upthe remaining notes entire.

  The shock of this transaction, and the earnestness of her desire toreplace money which she deemed it unjustifiable to employ, completed theconquest of her repugnance to public exhibition; and she commissioned MrGiles to acquaint Miss Arbe, that she was ready to obey her commands.

  This he undertook with the utmost pleasure; saying, 'And it's luckyenough your consenting to sing those songs, because my cousin, notdreaming of any objection on your part, had already authorised MrVinstreigle to put your name in his bills.'

  'My name?' cried Ellis, starting and changing colour: but the nextmoment adding, 'No, no! my name will not appear!--Yet should any one whohas ever seen me....'

  She shuddered; a nervous horrour took possession of her whole frame; butshe soon forced herself to revive, and assume new courage, upon hearingMr Giles, from the landing-place, again call Miss Matson; and bid allher young women, one by one, and the two maid-servants, hurry up stairsdirectly, with water and burnt feathers.

  Ellis made every enquiry in her power, of who was at Brighthelmstone;and begged Mr Giles to procure her a list of the company. When she hadread it, she became more tranquil, though not less sad.

  Miss Arbe received the concession with infinite satisfaction; andintroduced Ellis, as her _protegee_, to her new favourite; who professedhimself charmed, that the presentation of so promising a subject, to thepublic, should be made at his benefit.

  'And now, Miss Ellis,' said Miss Arbe, 'you will very soon have morescholars than you can teach. If once you get a fame and a name, yourembarrassments will be at an end; for all enquiries about who peopleare, and what they are, and those sort of niceties, will be over. Weall learn of the celebrated, be they what they will. Nobody asks howthey live, and those sort of things. What signifies? as Miss Sycamoresays. We don't visit them, to be sure, if there is any thing awkwardabout them. But that's not the least in the way against their makingwhole oceans of riches.'

  This was not a species of reasoning to offer consolation to Ellis; butshe suppressed the disdain which it inspired; and dwelt only upon thehoped accomplishment of her views, through the private teaching which itpromised.

  In five days' time, the benefit was to take place; and in three, Elliswas summoned to a rehearsal at the rooms.

  She was putting on her hat, meaning to be particularly early in herattendance, that she might place herself in some obscure corner, beforeany company arrived; to avoid the pain of passing by those who knowing,might not notice, or noticing, might but mortify her; when one of theyoung work-women brought her intelligence, that a gentleman, justarrived in a post chaise, requested admittance.

  'A gentleman?' she repeated, with anxiety:--'tell him, if you please,that I am engaged, and can see no company.'

  The young woman soon returned.

  'The gentleman says, Ma'am, that he comes upon affairs of greatimportance, which he can communicate only to yourself.'

  Ellis begged the young woman to request, that Miss Matson would desirehim to leave his name and business in writing.

  Miss Matson was gone to Lady Kendover's, with some new patterns, justarrived from London.

  The young woman, however, made the proposition, but without effect: thegentleman was in great haste, and would positively listen to no denial.

  Strong and palpable affright, now seized Ellis; am I--Oh heaven!--shemurmured to herself, pursued?--and then began, but checked an inquiry,whether there were any private door by which she could escape: yet,pressed by the necessity of appearing at the rehearsal, after painfullystruggling for courage, she faintly articulated, 'Let him come upstairs.'

  The young woman descended, and Ellis remained in breathless suspense,till she heard some one tap at her door.

  She could not pronounce, Who's there? but she compelled herself to openit; though without lifting up her eyes, dreading to encounter the objectthat might meet them, till she was roused by the words, 'Pardon myintrusion!' and perceived Harleigh gently entering her apartment.

  She started,--but it was not with terrour; she came forward,--but it wasnot to escape! The colour which had forsaken her cheeks, returned tothem with a crimson glow; the fear which had averted her eyes, waschanged into an expression of even extatic welcome; and, clasping herhands, with sudden, impulsive, irresistible surprise and joy, she cried,'Is it you?--Mr Harleigh! you!'

  Surprise now was no longer her own, and her joy was participated in yetmore strongly. Harleigh, who, though he had forced his way, wasembarrassed and confused, expecting displeasure, and prepared forreproach; who had seen with horrour the dismay of her countenance; andattributed to the effect of his compulsatory entrance the terrifiedstate in which he found her; Harleigh, at sight of this rapid transitionfrom agony to delight; at the flattering ejaculation of 'Is it you?' andthe sound of his own name, pronounced with an expression of evenexquisite satisfaction;--Harleigh in a sudden trance of irrepressiblerapture, made a nearly forcible effort to seize her hand, exclaiming,'Can you receive me, then, thus sweetly? Can you forgive an intrusionthat--' when Ellis recovering her self-command, drew back, and solemnlysaid, 'Mr Harleigh, forbear! or I must quit the room!'

  Harleigh reluctantly, yet instantly desisted; but the pleasure of sounhoped a reception still beat at his heart, though it no longersparkled in her eyes: and though the enchanting animation of her manner,was altered into the most repressing gravity, the blushes which stilltingled, still dyed her cheeks, betrayed that all within was notchilled, however all without might seem cold.

  Checked, therefore, but not subdued, he warmly solicited a few minutesconversation; but, gaining firmness and force every instant, she toldhim that she had an appointment which admitted not of procrast
ination.

  'I know well your appointment,' cried he, agitated in his turn, 'too,too well!--'Tis that fatal--or, rather, let me hope, that happy, thatseasonable information, which I received last night, in a lettercontaining a bill of the concert, from Ireton, that has brought mehither;--that impelled me, uncontrollably, to break through your hardinjunctions; that pointed out the accumulating dangers to all my views,and told me that every gleam of future expectation--'

  Ellis interrupted him at this word: he entreated her pardon, but wenton.

  'You cannot be offended at this effort: it is but the courage ofdespondence, I come to demand a final hearing!'

  'Since you know, Sir,' cried she, with quickness, 'my appointment, youmust be sensible I am no longer mistress of my time. This is all I cansay. I must be gone,--and you will not, I trust,--if I judge yourightly,--you will not compel me to leave you in my apartment.'

  'Yes! you judge me rightly! for the universe I would not cause you justoffence! Trust me, then, more generously! be somewhat less suspicious,somewhat more open, and take not this desperate step, without hearkeningto its objections, without weighing its consequences!'

  She could enter, she said, into no discussion; and prepared to depart.

  'Impossible!' cried he, with energy; 'I cannot let you go!--I cannot,without a struggle, resign myself to irremediable despair!'

  Ellis, recovered now from the impression caused by his first appearance,with a steady voice, and sedate air, said, 'This is a language,Sir,--you know it well,--to which I cannot, must not listen. It is asuseless, therefore, as it is painful, to renew it. I beseech you tobelieve in the sincerity of what I have already been obliged to say, andto spare yourself--to spare, shall I add, me?--all further oppressiveconflicts.'

  A sigh burst from her heart, but she strove to look unmoved.

  'If you are generous enough to share, even in the smallest degree,'cried he, 'the pain which you inflict; you will, at least, not refuse methis one satisfaction.... Is it for Elinor ... and for Elinor only ...that you deny me, thus, all confidence?'

  'Oh no, no, no!' cried she, hastily: 'if Miss Joddrel were not inexistence,--' she checked herself, and sighed more deeply; but,presently added, 'Yet, surely, Miss Joddrel were cause sufficient!'

  'You fill me,' he cried, 'with new alarm, new disturbance!--I supplicateyou, nevertheless, to forego your present plan;--and to shew some littleconsideration to what I have to offer.--'

  She interrupted him. 'I must be unequivocally, Sir,--for both oursakes,--understood. You must call for no consideration from me! I cangive you none! You must let me pursue the path that my affairs, that myown perceptions, that my necessities point out to me, withoutinterference, and without expecting from me the smallest reference toyour opinions, or feelings.--Why, why,' continued she, in a tone lessfirm, 'why will you force from me such ungrateful words?--Why leave meno alternative between impropriety, or arrogance?'

  'Why,--let me rather ask,--why must I find you for ever thusimpenetrable, thus incomprehensible?--I will not, however, waste yourpatience. I see your eagerness to be gone.--Yet, in defiance of all therigour of your scruples, you must bear to hear me avow, in my totalignorance of their cause, that I feel it impossible utterly to renounceall distant hope of clearer prospects.--How, then, can I quietly submitto see you enter into a career of public life, subversive--perhaps--tome, of even any eventual amelioration?'

  Ellis blushed deeply as she answered, 'If I depended, Sir, upon you,--ifyou were responsible for my actions; or if your own fame, or name, orsentiments were involved in my conduct ... then you would do right, ifsuch is your opinion, to stamp my project with the stigma of yourdisapprobation, and to warn me of the loss of your countenance:--but,till then, permit me to say, that the business which calls me away hasthe first claim to my time.'

  She opened the door.

  'One moment,' cried he, earnestly, 'I conjure you!--The hurry of alarm,the certainty that delay would make every effort abortive; haveprecipitated me into the use of expressions that may have offended you.Forgive them, I entreat! and do not judge me to be so narrow minded; orso insensible to the enchantment of talents, and the witchery of genius;as not to feel as much respect for the character, where it is worthy, asadmiration for the abilities, of those artists whose profession it is togive delight to the public. Had I first known you as a public performer,and seen you in the same situations which have shewn me your worth, Imust have revered you as I do at this instant: I must have been devotedto you with the same unalterable attachment: but then, also,--if youwould have indulged me with a hearing,--must I not have made it my firstpetition, that your accomplishments should be reserved for the resourcesof your leisure, and the happiness of your friends, at your own time,and your own choice? Would you have branded such a desire as pride? orwould you not rather have allowed it to be called by that word, whichyour own every action, every speech, every look bring perpetually tomind, propriety?'

  Ellis sighed: 'Alas!' she said, 'my own repugnance to this measuremakes me but too easily conceive the objections to which it may beliable! and if you, so singularly liberal, if even you--'

  She stopt; but Harleigh, not less encouraged by a phrase thus begun,than if she had proceeded, warmly continued.

  'If then, in a case such as I have presumed to suppose, to havewithdrawn you from the public would not have been wrong, how can it befaulty, upon the same principles, and with the same intentions, toendeavour, with all my might, to turn you aside from such a project?--Isee you are preparing to tell me that I argue upon premises to which youhave not concurred. Suffer me, nevertheless, to add a few words, inexplanation of what else may seem presumption, or impertinence: I havehinted that this plan might cloud my dearest hopes; imagine not, thence,that my prejudices upon this subject are invincible: no! but I haveRelations who have never deserved to forfeit my consideration;--andthese--not won, like me, by the previous knowledge of your virtues.--'

  Ellis would repeatedly have interrupted him, but he would not bestopped.

  'Hear me on,' he continued, 'I beseech you! By my plainness only I canshew my sincerity. For these Relations, then, permit me to plead. It istrue, I am independent: my actions are under no control; but these areties from which we are never emancipated; ties which cling to ournature, and which, though voluntary, are imperious, and cannot be brokenor relinquished, without self-reproach; ties formed by the equitablelaws of fellow-feeling; which bind us to our family, which unites uswith our friends; and which, by our own expectations, teach us what isdue to our connexions. Ah, then, if ever brighter prospects may open tomy eyes, let me see them sullied, by mists hovering over the approbationof those with whom I am allied!'

  'How just,' cried Ellis, trying to force a smile, 'yet how useless isthis reasoning! I cannot combat sentiments in which I concur; yet I canchange nothing in a plan to which they must have no reference! I amsorry to appear ungrateful, where I am only steady; but I have nothingnew to say; and must entreat you to dispense with fruitless repetitions.Already, I fear, I am beyond the hour of my engagement.'

  She was now departing.

  'You distract me!' cried he, with vehemence, 'you distract me!' Hecaught her gown, but, upon her stopping, instantly let it go. Pale andaffrighted, 'Mr Harleigh,' she cried, 'is it to you I must own a scenethat may raise wonder and surmises in the house, and aggravatedistresses and embarrassments which, already, I find nearlyintolerable?'

  Shocked and affected, he shut the door, and would impetuously, yettenderly, have taken her hand; but, upon her shrinking back, withdispleasure and alarm, he more quietly said, 'Pardon! pardon! and beforeyou condemn me inexorably to submit to such rigorous disdain andcontempt--'

  'Why will you use such words? Contempt?--Good heaven!' she began, withan emotion that almost instantly subsided, and she added, 'Yet of whatconsequence to you ought to be my sensations, my opinions?' They canavail you nothing! Let me go,--and let me conjure you to be gone!'

  'You are then decided against me?' cried he, in a voic
e scarcelyarticulate.

  'I am,' she answered, without looking at him, but calmly.

  He bowed, with an air that relinquished all further attempt to detainher; but which shewed him too much wounded to speak.

  Carefully still avoiding his eyes, she was moving off; but, when shetouched the lock of the door, he exclaimed, 'Will you not, at least,before you go, allow me to address a few words to you as a friend?simply,--undesignedly,--only as a friend?'

  'Ah! Mr Harleigh!' cried Ellis, irresistibly softened, 'as a friendcould I, indeed, have trusted you, I might long since,--perhaps,--haveconfided in your liberality and benevolence: but now, 'tis whollyimpossible!'

  'No!' exclaimed he, warmly, and touched to the soul; 'nothing isimpossible that you wish to effect! Hear me, then, trust and speak to meas a friend; a faithful, a cordial, a disinterested friend! Confide tome your name--your situation--the motives to your concealment--thecauses that can induce such mystery of appearance, in one whose mind isso evidently the seat of the clearest purity:--the reasons of suchdisguise--'

  'Disguise, I acknowledge, Sir, you may charge me with; but not deceit! Igive no false colouring. I am only not open.'

  'That, that is what first struck me as a mark of a distinguishedcharacter! That noble superiority to all petty artifices, even for yourimmediate safety; that undoubting innocence, that framed no precautionsagainst evil constructions; that innate dignity, which supported withouta murmur such difficulties, such trials;--'

  'Ah, Mr Harleigh! a friend and a flatterer--are they, then, synonimousterms? If, indeed, you would persuade me you feel that they aredistinct, you will not make me begin a new and distasteful career--sinceto begin it I think indispensable;--with the additional chagrin ofappearing to be wanting in punctuality. No further opposition, I beg!'

  'O yet one word, one fearful word must be uttered--and one fatal--orblest reply must be granted!--The excess of my suspense, upon the mostessential of all points, must be terminated! I will wait with inviolablepatience the explanation of all others. Tell me, then, to what barbarouscause I must attribute this invincible, this unrelenting reserve?--How Imay bear an abrupt answer I know not, but the horrour of uncertainty Iexperience, and can endure no longer. Is it, then, to the force ofcircumstances I may impute it?--or ... is it....'

  'Mr Harleigh,' interrupted Ellis, with strong emotion, 'there is nomedium, in a situation such as mine, between unlimited confidence, orunbroken taciturnity: my confidence I cannot give you; it is out of mypower--ask me, then, nothing!'

  'One word,--one little word,--and I will torment you no longer: is it topre-engagement--'

  Her face was averted, and her hand again was placed upon the lock of thedoor.

  'Speak, I implore you, speak!--Is that heart, which I paint to myselfthe seat of every virtue ... is it already gone?--given, dedicated toanother?'

  He now trembled himself, and durst not resist her effort to open thedoor, as she replied, 'I have no heart!--I must have none?'

  She uttered this in a tone of gaiety, that would utterly have confoundedhis dearest expectations, had not a glance, with difficulty caught,shewed him a tear starting into her eye; while a blush of fire, thatdefied constraint, dyed her cheeks; and kept no pace with the easyfreedom from emotion, that her voice and manner seemed to indicate.

  Flushed with tumultuous sensations of conflicting hopes and fears, henow tenderly said, 'You are determined then, to go?'

  'I am; but you must first leave my room.'

  'Is there, then, no further appeal?'

  'None! none--We may be heard disputing down stairs:--persecute me nolonger!'

  Her voice grew tremulous, and spoke displeasure; but her eyes stillsedulously shunned his, and still her cheeks were crimsoned. Harleighpaused a moment, looking at her with speechless anxiety; but, upon animpatient motion of her hand that he would depart, he mildly said, 'Asyour friend, at least, you will permit me to see you again?' and,without risking a reply, slowly descended the stairs.

  Ellis, shutting herself into her room, sunk upon a chair, and wept.

  She was soon interrupted by a message from Mr Vinstreigle, to acquainther that the rehearsal was begun.

  She felt unable to sing, play, or speak, and, sending an excuse that shewas indisposed, desired that her attendance might be dispensed with forthat morning.