Rome by Jay Crownover
I was also surprised at what a natural Asa was behind the bar. The guy was a born bullshitter, and by the end of the night, from even just a handful of regulars and jaded barflies, he made more in tips than I had ever seen Brite or anyone else take home. He was an all-right bartender, but his gift of gab and plethora of charm made up for it in spades. I even noticed an increase in the younger, female clientele in the few days he had taken up his spot back there. I figured maybe I could talk Brite into keeping him around when he got back.
On Saturday night I left as early as I could and put Asa in charge of shutting the place down. Jet had pulled me aside a few days after mentioning that we were going to be working at the bar together in order to give me a little of Asa’s background. He warned me that essentially he was a good guy, but not to let all that Southern charm fool me. Jet said to watch my back and not to trust Asa as far as I could throw him. I always heeded warnings when they came from people I trusted, but so far Asa had been nothing but an awesome partner in crime and I missed spending time with Cora. Leaving him in charge for a night was a risk I was willing to take.
When I got to the house she was asleep on the couch. Jet and Ayden were gone for the night, so I scooped her up and took her in her room to put her to bed. She woke up when I was pulling her swirly hot-pink sundress off over her head. She blinked those wicked-colored eyes at me and tried to focus.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
She yawned and stretched her arms up over her head. The one with all the brightly inked flowers on it curled around my neck on the way down.
“I’m exhausted.”
I let her tug me down so I could kiss her on her waiting mouth.
“Long day at work?”
She shook her head and ran her fingers over the short hair on the back of my head.
“No. Just sleepy all day. I was going to stay awake and wait up for you but I couldn’t keep my eyes open.”
I kissed her again and she put her hands under the hem of my T-shirt.
“You don’t have to wait up for me. I was just going to put you in bed and crawl in next to you.”
“If we’re going to be in bed together, neither one of us needs to be sleeping.”
Man, this girl was just something else, and it only took about two seconds to get both of us naked and down to business. I fell asleep pretty quickly afterward and as usual she was draped across the top of me from shoulder to hip. In reality it had only been a very short time since we had invaded each other’s life, but something about it just felt like this was the way it was supposed to be.
At least it felt that way until sometime in the early morning.
There was sand in my face and I couldn’t breathe. I was hot, hotter than normal, in all my gear and for some reason I couldn’t see past the red haze covering my eyes. My ears were ringing in my head and from somewhere really far away I could hear voices screaming. I wanted to lift my hand up to wipe my face, to pull my helmet off to see if that would make it easier to breathe.
I couldn’t get my arm to work. I couldn’t get most of my body to cooperate.
I managed to turn my head to the side, just enough so that the blood covering my face trailed down my nose and out of my eyes, barely letting me get a look around.
I wasn’t in the Hummer anymore.
I was on my back staring up at the sky and a cloud of dust and dirt was sticking to all the blood and sweat coating any of my skin that wasn’t covered by my gear.
I didn’t have my gun in my hands anymore, and I couldn’t see any of the other guys who had rolled out on the op with me. There had been six of us in total in the Hummer.
I wanted to call out, wanted to scream because my shoulder was on fire and I wasn’t sure what was going on under my helmet, but the river of blood covering my face showed no sign of slowing down anytime soon and I couldn’t see that great. I just didn’t know if our location was secure. Didn’t know if it was an IED or enemy fire. If any of the other guys had made it out, I wasn’t going to be the one who gave our location away to the insurgents, even if it meant I had to bleed to death on enemy soil.
I don’t know how long I lay there. I went in and out of consciousness more times than I could count, and finally, what felt like days later I opened my eyes to a medic pulling my gear off and trying to move me without breaking more of my body. I think they told me it was an IED. I think they tried to tell me I was going to have to get airlifted home. I’m pretty sure they said brain injury and possible loss of motion in my shoulder, but all I really heard was “sole survivor of the blast.”
It didn’t matter that my ears were ringing. It didn’t matter that I was probably minutes from bleeding out. It didn’t matter that it was war and things like IEDs and dead soldiers were an everyday part of life. I started screaming and screaming and screaming until I felt like everything inside me was empty and hollow. I think they doped me up to get me to calm down and minimize the damage, because when I woke up I was in Germany and they were doing surgery on my arm and trying to sew my face back together.
Everyone thought I was so lucky. I got to go home and recover. I got to live.
Every night after that I woke up either screaming or choking on blood and tears that couldn’t fall.
Bolting upright on the bed, I forgot all about the fact that I was holding on to Cora. I had cold sweat pouring off my arms and chest, and I felt like I was suffocating on blood and sand even though the desert was a lifetime ago. My lungs billowed in and out, my chest heaved up and down, and I knew I had to get away.
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and scrambled to find my pants. I could feel Cora shifting on the bed behind me. I flinched away from her hands when she went to lay them on my back. All I could see was crimson and dust. All I could feel was loss and desperation. I didn’t want her anywhere near any of it.
“I have to go.” My voice sounded like I was talking over razor blades and salt.
“What?”
She reached for me again and I lurched off the bed. I pulled my shirt on over my head and refused to look at her. I heard the sheets rustle as she sat up in the bed.
“Rome, what’s going on?”
Her voice was quiet, like she was afraid she was going to spook me. She had no idea about the terrible stuff rolling around like a silent movie behind my eyes. It was so horrific.
I grabbed my phone and keys off her nightstand and made my way to the door. I couldn’t even look at her. I needed to say something, to try to explain, but the crazy, the pain, the memories were too close to the surface and I just couldn’t get to her through them. I was being an asshole, but it was either bail on her or break down in a sobbing pile of goo on her bedroom floor. I couldn’t let her see me like that, didn’t want her to be a part of the stuff inside me that was so ugly and hard to forget.
I didn’t start to breathe normally again until I had the Harley under me and the wind in my face. The nice thing about the bike was that it didn’t matter if some of the emotion working its way to the surface leaked out, the night air just whisked it away. I felt like I was never going to sleep again.
CHAPTER 9
Cora
This Thursday-night girls’ night was unlike any the three of us had ever spent together before. Ayden was propped up in the doorway of the bathroom off my bedroom alternating between texting on her phone and staring at me with concern. Shaw was sitting on the toilet practically bouncing up and down; her green eyes were huge in her pale face and I knew she was just dying to say something. I was sitting on the edge of the tub trying to decide if I wanted to scream, or throw up, or cry, or pull all my hair out, or just laugh. Maybe a combination of all of the above. What did I know about trying to raise another person? I had spent my entire childhood shuffling from one random adult to the next. I had no idea what being a full-time parent even looked like.
“Well?” Shaw just couldn’t stay quiet any longer.
The little white stick on the edge of the tub next to
Ayden snorted and walked farther into the room to pick the pregnancy test up from where it was resting next to me.
“Seriously? Look at her face. It’s totally positive.”
Shaw let out a noise that was between a gasp and a squeal. I glared at her and she clasped her hands over her mouth. Her eyes were bright and shining at me from over the tops of her fingers and I wanted to smack her. Ayden leaned against the sink and frowned at me.
“So what’s the plan?”
I groaned and shoved my hands into my eye sockets. What was the plan?
“You mean besides never, ever having sex again? I don’t have the first idea.”
Having kids wasn’t something I ever really thought about. When I was with Jimmy I just figured it would be something that came up after we were married for a couple years and in a financially secure place. Now … well, now, other than wanting to murder Rome and his stupid perfect face and body, I had no clue what the plan should be. But the funny thing was that from the second it even occurred to me that I might be pregnant, there was never a moment when I considered anything other than having this baby. The alternatives are definitely there—and maybe there was a time when I would have gone down that route—but the very idea of a baby inside me meant that this child was all mine and I was going to give it the best chance possible. And I would never let a child of mine feel unloved or unwanted. I would never let my kid feel lost in a sea of adults because I wasn’t able to give them a home. I just wished with everything inside of me I could say Rome felt the same way about parenthood. The fact of the matter was, I had no idea what he thought about anything right now because he wasn’t saying anything.
Shaw bit her bottom lip and said so softly I almost didn’t hear her, “You have to tell Rome.”
I sighed and pushed my eyes even harder. Of course I had to tell Rome. Eventually.
Telling Rome was going to be a lot easier said than done since the big idiot wasn’t quite finished with his epic freak-out. I wasn’t exactly sure what had happened the other night; all I knew is that he had run from my bed like the sheets were on fire, he was shaking and the color of paste. That was ten days ago, and I hadn’t heard from him since. The first couple of days I called and called, sent text after text, and worried myself into a concerned lather. By the end of the week I was good and pissed and clearly had more important things to worry about than Rome Archer because I was pretty sure I was carrying his baby. I had heard from Asa he was spending all his time at the Bar and that his venture into sobriety had taken a nosedive. Apparently he was back to drinking like a fish and grumbling and growling at anyone that got within breathing distance.
I had enough pride, and enough bad history, and a healthy dose of fear working inside me, that tracking his stubborn ass down and making him talk to me wasn’t a workable option. I refused to be in yet another relationship where I was the only person invested in the outcome. I figured he knew where I worked and where I lived, so if he wanted to make things right, he knew where to find me. Admittedly I thought he would have come around a lot sooner, but now it looked like the choice was going to be taken out of my hands.
“I know that, Shaw.”
She cleared her throat and shot a look between me and Ayden.
“He isn’t doing so hot right now. I don’t know what happened, he was starting to get back to his old self, starting to fall into some kind of pattern, and then, boom, he’s right back where he was when he came home from Afghanistan. I thought Dale was going to cry when he didn’t show up for brunch last Sunday.”
I brushed hard hands through my short hair and rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.
“I don’t know either. Things were cool, I thought we had a pretty good thing going even though it was pretty brief. Then one night not so much. I can’t believe I was so stupid.”
Ayden clicked her tongue at me and waved her finger back and forth in my face. “Stop beating yourself up. Jet and I had a near miss right before we broke up. Sometimes those boys just burn too hot and common sense goes right out the window.”
Shaw nodded. “Yeah, if I wasn’t on the pill since like the dawn of time, Rule and I would’ve been in the same situation. You’re just human, and Rome can be pretty overwhelming.”
All of it was overwhelming.
“Fuck.” That seemed to sum it up nicely.
Ayden laughed and reached down to pull me up to my feet.
“I think that’s what got you into trouble in the first place. Let’s go eat something.”
I groaned but followed her out of the bathroom. “I don’t think I can eat.”
I pulled her to a stop and grabbed her and Shaw both by the arm. “You guys can’t say anything. Rome doesn’t need to hear about this from Rule or Jet. I’ll talk to him when I’m good and ready.”
Ayden just rolled her eyes but Shaw nodded gravely. “I can’t believe Rule is going to be an uncle. Margot and Dale are going to flip.”
Well, crap. That was a whole other headache I hadn’t considered. “My dad is going to kill me.”
They both laughed at me and I went to throw myself on the couch. Even though we had technically only been seeing each other for a few weeks, I really thought there was something bigger working between Rome and me. I felt it in the way the air changed when we were together. He was vital, so much larger than life. I could still see the fracture in those blue eyes, see the things he was trying to work through, but I thought we were doing fine. Now I didn’t know what to think and there wasn’t enough history, enough time to know which way to go with it. On top of it, there was this added complication and my life was one big pile of no-fun at the moment. I never would have let him get to me had I known he was going to have such an easy time walking away. I was too guarded, too careful with my heart, for that.
Shaw came back from the kitchen and put a plate of pasta down in front of me. Ayden brought in a bottle of wine and I glared at her. She just shrugged and plopped down next to me.
“Make a doctor’s appointment in the morning, Cora. This is a big deal, and you need to take care of yourself. I’ll go with you if you want.”
“Don’t worry, Cora, we’re here for you. Whatever you need.” Shaw chimed in right on her heels, and I knew I couldn’t ask for better friends to get me through this initial period of shock that had settled around me.
What I needed was for this kid’s dad not to be such a complicated handful and not be so damn sexy. If he had just been an average guy, one of a million, I could have happily continued on my fruitless quest for Mr. Perfect and never taken the scenic route into forever, life-changing, and gloriously imperfect. Rome never made me feel like I was settling for less than I deserved, he made me feel like having a new dream, where he was the center of it, just made sense.
“I know you guys are. Rome might be a different story. That’s a lot to level at a guy already dealing with a full plate from the emotional baggage buffet.”
Shaw narrowed her eyes at me. “Stop it. He’ll be fine. He needs some help, just like Margot did, but at his core, Rome is rock solid. He hates for anyone to see him weak, hates the idea that he isn’t the one holding the entire world up by himself. If I have to beat it into him, I promise you he will be fine.”
I shook my head and let it flop back on the colorful couch cushions. Rome wasn’t solid, he was unhinged and wild. I think that was what drew me to him so irresistibly in the first
“I don’t want to be with a guy who feels like he has to be with me, Shaw. I don’t want to be with anyone that isn’t one hundred thousand percent as into me as I am into them. Not even if I’m pregnant with his kid. I’m not ending up on the other end of what I did with Jimmy ever again.”
She made a face at me. “Rome isn’t Jimmy; he would never betray you like that.”
“No, he’s not. I thought he was better, but I don’t have the option to let him walk out on me every time he’s having a tough time. That doesn’t work for me, especially not now.” And I didn’t want to talk about how bad his sudden desertion made my heart hurt. That kind of pain was unfathomable when it came from something so fragile and new, not to mention it freaked me out that the loss of him felt more potent, more gaping, than walking away from Jimmy ever had.
“He’s worth the fight.”
“Because he’s an Archer?” I didn’t mean to sound so snappy, but Rome and his issues weren’t my top concern anymore. They couldn’t be.
“No, because he’s a great guy that hasn’t had the easiest time of it lately. Don’t you remember telling me how broken, how robotic, Rule was after Remy died? Rome went through all of the same things, Cora, only he had to do it while fighting a war and watching his fellow soldiers die. Maybe he just needs someone that makes him see he deserves a break finally.”
I didn’t want to fight with her about it, because I didn’t entirely disagree with her, but I also was the one left alone and in the dark after he disappeared into the night without a word, and that hurt. Maybe because I didn’t just hurt for me, but because I ached for him as well. The horror shining out of those blue eyes even in the dark and the despair stamped across those handsome features made my chest ache just thinking about it, but I couldn’t force him to let me in. And we couldn’t make anything work between us if he ran from me every time things got rough. I didn’t need him protecting me from him. I was more than capable of doing that all on my own.