Rome by Jay Crownover
He sounded disgruntled and I couldn’t really blame him. We had looked at three houses this morning before I had to go to work, and none of them fit the bill. I was having a hard time explaining to him that I had an ideal idea of what a home should be, where I wanted to be with him and raise our kid. I spent so much time bouncing from relative to relative while Dad was deployed, I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn’t going to settle, even if it made my guy all kinds of grumpy. It wasn’t just about finding a house, it was about finding a home and starting a family, and I had to fully let go of the fear that was still holding me back to do it.
“Just be patient, big guy. It’ll come along. Besides, that last place only had a one-car garage and we both know you don’t want to leave the Harley parked on the street.”
He grunted at me and scowled. I was glad he finally had the truck back because he didn’t want me on the back of the bike in my current condition and it was like pulling teeth to get him in the Cooper. At least having him drop me off at the shop on his way to the bar didn’t result in an argument.
“I leave it on the street now.”
“But you bitch about it all the time and it hasn’t even started snowing yet.”
He knew I was right, so he just grunted again and tapped his long fingers on the steering wheel. He had been getting impatient with me lately. Not outwardly, but I could tell every time he told me he loved me that it did something to him when I didn’t just say it back. I just couldn’t. I wanted to. I was sure I did in fact love him more than I had loved anyone else ever, but giving him that … I simply couldn’t do it. Seeing this man, this warrior, on his knees in front of me, ready to give me anything and everything I ever wanted, I knew I had to get over it. Kick the fear to the curb and just know Rome Archer would never undo me the way Jimmy did. I couldn’t say it to him, but I knew I could show him how I felt, which was why I had asked him if I could borrow his dog tags for a couple days.
I was changing the subject because I was tired of fighting about the house even if I thought he was sexy as hell when he was disgruntled.
“So can I have them or not?”
“I don’t understand what you want them for.”
I was surprised he didn’t still wear them since they had been a part of his uniform for so long. I figured since he kept the hair and the strenuous workout routine, he would have kept the tags as well. Plus I thought they would look hot around that thick neck. Maybe I would ask him to put them on for me sometime and nothing else.
“It’s a secret. I promise not to lose them and to treat them with all the respect and reverence they deserve. Stop being Captain No-Fun because we didn’t agree on a place and hand them over.” I tried to keep my voice light and teasing, but I couldn’t shake his black mood.
He cut me a look out of the corner of his eye and pulled the big truck to a stop in front of the shop. I could already see people milling around in the waiting room and Nash waved at us since he was out front smoking.
“They’re in a box in my underwear drawer. Grab them the next time you’re over at the apartment. Just put them back whenever you’re done with them.”
I giggled a little and leaned across the seats so that I could wrap my arm around his neck and pulled him down so I could kiss him. Even when he wasn’t overly happy with me, he never stopped me from loving all up on him. He was pretty much a gentle giant, not that I would ever dare tell him that to his face.
“Why do you even have an underwear drawer? You don’t ever wear underwear.”
He shrugged a broad shoulder and kissed me back.
“Right, so I have to have a place to keep it all in because I never use it.”
“You are so weird.” I pushed open the door and hopped down onto the curb. I was going to blow him a kiss or maybe flip him off just to be ornery, but since I forgot my purse and he was nice enough to get out and bring it around to me, I decided I would just kiss his face off some more instead. I heard Nash chuckle at the spectacle I was making, heard Rome groan against my mouth while he curled a hand around my ass, and heard a voice I never thought I was ever going to hear again say my name.
“Cora?”
I slid back to my feet from the tip of my toes and peeked around the solid wall that was my guy to see the last person on earth I ever wanted or expected to see again. I felt Rome’s arms tighten reflexively around me and Nash moved from his spot by the front window to come stand next to us. I turned in Rome’s rapidly stiffening grip to face my ultimate worst mistake. I felt that big body go absolutely rigid behind me, but thankfully Rome didn’t say anything. His irritation was like a lash in the air as Jimmy took a hesitant step toward us.
The years had been kind to Jimmy. He was less skinny and more filled out. He had way more ink curling over his arms and neck than I remembered and he wore it well. His sandy-brown hair was artfully tousled and topped by a cool, plaid skully-cap. He was the epitome of Brooklyn cool and I hated to see that he had genuine regret shining out of his dark brown eyes.
“Jimmy. What are you doing here?”
“Uh … you didn’t answer any of the e-mails I sent you and your dad refused to give me a number to reach you. I just …” He trailed off and I realized he was staring at Rome and not really looking at me. He sighed deeply and shook his head. “I wanted to see you. To get some kind of closure and tell you how very sorry I am for what I put you through. I know it’s too little too late, but I just had to do it now that I understand how wrong it was.”
If Rome was stiff before, he turned into a statue behind me now. I pulled out of his grip and walked toward my ex. The blood that was rushing to my head was making me deaf and the shining light of my past staring me in the face was making me blind. I think Nash said something to me, think Rome called my name, but all I could see was Jimmy and all I could feel was everything I had wanted to do to him, all the things I had wanted to make him realize five years ago. Seeing him thrust me back in time even if I had strong hands trying to hold me in place in the present.
Operating on ancient rage and embarrassment, I pulled back a hand and socked him in the gut as hard as I could. I owed it to him, but it didn’t do anything to make me feel any better. In fact all the old feelings of betrayal and hurt were starting to fade simply because they were irrelevant in the face of how ridiculous it was that he thought I would want to hear anything he had to say. I was still mad, but for other reasons. He let out an “oof” and doubled over. I contemplated smacking him across the face as well, but Nash got to me first and handed me off to my chuckling guy, who locked down my flailing arms and cut off the steam that I felt was pouring out of my ears. I should be overwhelmed with joy that I had escaped the life I would have had if I had stuck with a guy like Jimmy. But all that old duplicity and sting had greatly affected my ability to give everything over to the man I now considered my life, and I was all kinds of newly furious at Jimmy for that.
“Fuck you, Jimmy. I don’t need an apology from you. I don’t need anything from you. As far as I’m concerned, you got exactly what you deserved. You’re wasting your time here.”
Rome growled behind me, which was all kinds of alpha sexy, and ran a soothing hand over my arm. I was shaking, and it made me mad that Jimmy could affect me in any way still. Apologizing for shattering my young heart into a million pieces was just laughable, like any words could go back in time and undo the damage he had done, could fix the current predicament I found myself in with Rome.
“You actually deserve a shit ton more, but considering her condition, I’m not going to let her at you.” Rome sounded gruff and even less happy than he had been originally.
Jimmy’s gaze widened and then flicked over my now slightly extended belly. I wasn’t huge but I was obviously rounded out more than normal and clearly pregnant. I wanted to hit him again when he looked at Nash and asked:
“You’re knocked up?”
Nash choked on a laugh and hooked a thumb at Rome.
“You might wanna look at the
Jimmy’s eyes got huge when he took in the protective stance Rome had taken behind me. He looked at me, at my belly, and then back up to the thunderous expression of the man standing behind me. It irritated me to no end that he automatically assumed Nash would be the dad just because of his outward appearance. Why hadn’t I ever realized how shallow and awful he was before I had fallen in love with him? Gross.
“Seriously, Cora? What the hell happened to you? This isn’t like you. You used to be nice and funny. The old you would have forgiven me in a heartbeat, and we could have gone and had a beer and a few laughs for old times’ sake. You loved me.”
Oh, the nerve of him. How did I ever think anyone that stupid was my Mr. Right? I could read between his lines. The old me would have been head over heels to have another shot at being with him and he could have used me for a quick hookup to soothe his battered ego. Uh, no thank you.
“You happened to me, Jimmy. You have the nerve to talk about how I loved you? How about because of you I can’t love someone else? Where is the apology, the regret for that?”
I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. I knew I needed to stop—that I was risking ruining the thing that mattered—but in my fury I was stuck in a cycle of past and future, anger and remorse, and there was no turning back.
“Cora.” Jimmy rubbed the back of his neck and looked at his feet. “We were young. I was immature. I never meant to hurt you that way. You were the first girl I ever loved. Can’t we just grab a coffee or something and mend some fences. I really am sorry.”
“No. Just because you’re sorry doesn’t mean I’m obligated to accept your apology. It sucks you came all this way in search of absolution, but it’s not my job to offer it to you. I don’t owe you anything. I never did. You were just too stupid to see that I was offering you the world and then you decided to toss it away. Never again, Jimmy. I’ll never do that again.” My voice dropped an octave and my chest heaved up and down. “The embarrassment, the loss of the only family I thought I had, it made me lost, made me search and search for some kind of perfect I’m never going to find. You ruined my idea of happy-ever-after.”
When my words hit Jimmy they made him shudder, and they made me feel free. But any satisfaction was brief, disintegrating as what I had just said hit me square in the chest. It was too late, I couldn’t force the words back in. I turned to look at Rome, and those blue eyes had gone dull, distant, his face like stone.
For five years I had needed this moment to let go. But now that the anger was starting to bleed out, I knew the harsh words I had thrown out in a blind rage had hit the wrong target.
Rome had offered me everything over and over again, and still I’d held back. I’d never been absolutely clear to him why I was so hesitant to just hand my heart over, and here I was laying it all out there to the last guy who deserved any consideration. Jimmy might have damaged my ability to freely offer my love, but I had to be accountable for my part in being scared to give everything over to Rome. I knew we were meant to be and holding back fell entirely on my cowardly shoulders.
“Cora …” Jimmy didn’t get the chance to add anything else because Rome’s tolerance ran out. He moved around me faster than a guy that big should be able to move and grabbed Jimmy by the collar of his trendy pearl-snap shirt. The toes of his hip boots dragged across the sidewalk and his eyes popped wide. I saw Jimmy gulp and heard Nash chuckle.
“Not helping, Nashville.”
“No plans to, Tink. Let him wrestle with the bear. He deserves it.”
“She said she doesn’t have anything else to say to you. That ends the conversation. You want to continue it, you continue it with me. A lot of time has passed for you, but I’m brand-new. I know what I got with her, and I’m not going to let you dirty it up or twist her up anymore.” He shook Jimmy like he was a rag doll and I had to bite back a grin. “She’s having my baby. I love her. There is no room in any of that for you to show up and try to make her responsible for your bruised ego and hurt feelings. Maybe if you weren’t a dick to begin with, you wouldn’t have ended up getting fucked over in the long run. Are we clear?”
I had never seen this side of Rome. He was always kind of dangerous, always kind of coiled tight like he could take care of business at any minute. I had to admit it was fascinating to watch, and I wasn’t surprised that Jimmy couldn’t hold up under the threat of the kind of guy Rome was. I doubted many could. He nodded and Rome shoved him away. Jimmy stumbled off the curb and looked at me one more time.
“For what it’s worth, I do really understand now how bad what I did to you hurt. You always deserved better.”
I snorted. “I deserve the best and that’s what I found. Good-bye, Jimmy.”
The three of us watched him walk away, me with a new clarity, Nash with unbridled amusement, and when I looked up at Rome, everything I had been afraid my thoughtless words were doing to him was shining out of his hard gaze. He was angry, but more than that he was hurt, and I couldn’t fault him for it. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to try and soothe the unintentional burn I had caused, but those sapphire eyes flashed at me and I could feel the blaze of his anger burning in his tightly locked muscles and granite-hard expression. I took a step back and started when he did the same thing. There wasn’t supposed to be space like this between us anymore.
“What just happened, Cora?”
The words were gritted out between clenched teeth, and I blinked at him in surprise.
“I thought this entire time that you couldn’t tell me you loved me, that you were struggling to find a house with me because you were still working through all that stuff that idiot left you with when he cheated on you. I thought I was letting you find your own way to where I was waiting for you, and I just watched you annihilate the only excuse I thought you had for holding back on me. You just told that idiot you could never love someone else because of what he did to you, I heard it loud and clear.”
I reached out for him, my hand was shaking, and I could feel Nash recoil next to me when he backed away another step. This couldn’t be happening.
“Rome.” I tried to get him to calm down. To get a word in edgewise, to tell him he didn’t understand, but he wouldn’t let me. The thing I was best at, talking, seemed to be my worst enemy at the moment. If I had just been able to tell him I loved him back, he wouldn’t be reacting this way now. Of course I loved him. I was just terrified.
“Dude, chill. She just got ambushed by her ex. She’s pregnant. Take a breath and calm down.”
“I know she’s pregnant, Nash. I had something to do with that, but I can’t give you everything, let you see all the broken, ugly parts of me, if all I get in return is only what you deem as safe. I’m not Jimmy. I won’t let you down like that, and I thought I had proven that to you over and over again. If you can’t be in love with me because of what that loser did to you five years ago, which one of us isn’t all the way in, Cora?”
Beyond the rage in his voice I could hear the sounds of his heart tearing loose in his chest. My fear and hesitation had caused this. There was no one to blame but myself. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pry the words he so obviously needed off of my tongue. I did love him, but this wasn’t a way I was ever going to tell him that. He would never believe me if I blurted it out to prevent this ugly scene.
The driver’s door slammed shut, and he took off in squeal of tires and roaring engine. I was glad he wasn’t on the bike. That would have been dangerous and scary.
Nash pulled me into a one-armed hug and I rested my head on his chest.
“He’ll calm down. I think seeing Jimmy was as much of a shock to him as it was to you.”
“He’s right. I should have told him how I felt forever ago. I just couldn’t. I was scared telling him I loved him would mean it would all fall apart and it would destroy me if it didn’t work out. He always tells me I color his entire world, but he did the same thing for me. If what I felt fo
Nash swore a little bit and turned so that we could go into the shop.
“When two people feel that way about each other, they figure it out. Just like Rule and Shaw did and just like Jet and Ayden. It’ll be fine, Tink. I promise. By the way that was a nice gut shot. You shoulda aimed for the nose, though.”
Normally that would have made me laugh, but I felt like everything I had was swirling around in that cloud of wrath Rome had ridden away on. It had to work out, there was no other option. He was it for me, I just needed to pull my head out of my ass and tell him. He was right: I asked him for everything and he gave it without question. He wanted one thing from me, to hear that I loved him like he loved me, and I had been unable to do it for him. I sucked. Plus I was sick and tired of the big jerk always somehow managing to get the last word in every time we had a fight. That was really annoying.
“I wish that was a promise I could be sure you could keep, Nash. Don’t say anything to the guys. You can tell them about Jimmy because you all gossip like teenage girls, but leave Rome out of it. I need to fix this mess on my own.”
And fix it I would, because there was no other option for me or for our baby.
When we walked in the door, the guys all wanted to know what was going on. I let Nash fill them in while I asked Rule if I could talk to him in the back room.
He followed me, his face screwed up in a total look of confusion, but he was kind enough not to grill me.
“That was Jimmy.”
“I figured. Looks like Rome made it pretty clear he better leave you alone.”
“Yeah, he also made it pretty clear I better figure my shit out or I’m going forward alone.”
I thought Rule would get riotously indignant on my behalf, but he didn’t. He narrowed those pale eyes at me, which made me twist my plugs around nervously. I felt like a bug under a microscope.