Back To The Start Box Set: Five Full-Length Novels by Aly Martinez
“So, I’ll see you tonight?” I asked as he stepped outside with me.
He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked over my head as he asked, “Are we good?” His eyes nervously flashed to mine.
It might have been wrong, but his nerves made me smile. “I’m really good,” I purred. Deciding to put his fears to rest, I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled my head against his chest. “Are you good?”
He released a loud breath and then chuckled as he looped his arms around me. “I’m good.”
“So, I’ll see you tonight?” I repeated then glanced up to find him staring down at me. It was a brief second, but whatever worry I had that Till had jumped ship on his promise to me vanished.
Forever blazed from his eyes.
“Leave the window open.”
* * *
Both times I had been with Till in the past had been spontaneous, but later that night, I actually had the opportunity to prepare first. I showered, blew my hair dry, shaved—everything. Instead of washing my face like I usually did, I applied makeup before crawling into bed. I donned a sexy, see-through bra that usually hid in the back of my drawer and a matching thong, which was equally as sheer.
“Hi.” I stood up off the bed as he started climbing through the window.
His eyes went wide when he saw me, causing him to momentarily lose his balance on the windowsill and go crashing to the floor. “God. Damn,” he cursed as he rose to his feet while taking in my new wardrobe. “You . . . I . . . um . . .” His hand went to his lip.
He was rooted in place only a few steps away, but his eyes traveled over every inch of my body and back again.
Till was speechless. I had never felt so empowered in my life.
“Are you okay?” I feigned concern as I slowly approached.
“Not even close,” he told my breasts, making me giggle.
After sliding a hand under the edge of his T-shirt, I raked a fingernail over each of his abs before dipping it into the waistband of his jeans.
“I’m sore today,” I announced, closing the distance between us. My breasts were pressed against him, but he still hadn’t even attempted to touch me yet. I had plans to remedy that. I smirked then stood up on my tiptoes, kissing the base of his neck. “Make me sore for tomorrow too.” At the last second, I darted my tongue out to the hollow dip at the base of his neck. It was meant to tease him, but as the taste of his skin hit my tongue, I was flooded with memories of taking more of him in my mouth. The moan escaped before I’d even felt it coming.
A loud rumble shook his chest, but that was the only warning I received. Suddenly, I was off my feet and sailing through the air. Just as I landed on the bed, Till crashed on top of me. His mouth roughly landed on mine.
“Tell me we can’t do this again,” he demanded as his hands found my breasts.
“We’re definitely doing this again.” I arched into him.
“It’s gonna get so messy, Eliza. Please.” He groaned as I reached into the front of his jeans.
“I’m okay with messy,” I breathed, guiding his hand from my breast and into my panties.
“Fuuuuuck” he cursed when he discovered exactly how thorough I’d been with the razor earlier. His finger pressed inside me as his body traveled down the bed and settled between my legs, stripping my panties off during his descent.
He added another finger in a less than gentle but overwhelmingly intoxicating rhythm.
“Tell me to stop, Eliza. We can’t do this again.” He grazed his teeth on the inside of my thigh.
“We’re already doing it.”
“Tell me to stop.”
“No.”
“It’s going to ruin us.”
“If you don’t stop talking, you’re going to ruin this.”
“I’m serious.” He kissed the inside of my other thigh, his fingers never faltering in their steady pace.
“So am I. Stop trying to talk yourself out of this while your fingers are buried inside me.” I threaded a hand into his hair and gave it a gentle tug.
“Goddammit. Tell me to stop!” he demanded one last time, but his fingers sped before twisting in the most delicious way.
I decided to give him what he wanted, but only because I knew he wouldn’t follow through.
“Stop.” I rolled my hips, forcing him even deeper.
“Well, it’s too fucking late now.”
I would have laughed, but his mouth sealed over my clit and stole my breath, words, thoughts, and orgasm. My body shook as he pushed me higher even while I was falling. It shouldn’t have worked like that, but whatever voodoo magic Till Page was working with that night was all right with me. He didn’t stop swirling his tongue until I used his hair to pry his mouth away.
“Too much!” I cried.
He looked up with a wickedly proud grin. His hand disappeared, and seconds later, his cock replaced it.
The sex wasn’t drawn out the way it had been before. He wasn’t desperate to make me come, but he still did. Till coaxed me to the brink of orgasm and then used one hand between us to send me flying off. Then he quickly followed.
With my legs wrapped around his hips, he breathed my name as he came. “Eliza.” He rained languid kisses over my mouth and neck as he rocked inside me until he softened. Several minutes passed before he settled next to me and tucked me under his arm. Trailing his fingers gently over my breasts, he whispered, “You’re beautiful.”
There were no declarations of love, but they were as present as ever.
“You worried me earlier when you called me Doodle,” I confessed against his chest, punctuating it with a kiss.
“We’re good, okay? Always.”
“Yeah. Always.” I squeezed him tight. “Hey, Till?”
“I’m right here.” He returned my squeeze.
“Please tell me you’re better at using condoms than you have been with me.”
“Shit. I’m so fucking sorry. I swear . . . I always use one. I just don’t think straight when things start happening with you.”
“Yeah, I get it. I don’t exactly think straight with you either. I’m not on the pill or anything, but I think we’re safe as far as timing goes.”
“Okay, good.” He sighed and kissed the top of my head.
“But next time, we have to use one. No more chances.”
“Next time?” he questioned, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
I looked up to find him grinning. “Yep. There are going to be a lot of next times. You should probably invest in the economy box.”
His smile grew. “Well, in that case, I don’t get paid until Friday, so you’re gonna have to keep it in your pants until then.”
“See, that’s exactly the problem. We have been keeping it in my pants. Maybe we should try keeping it in your pants for a while.”
We both laughed until Till dropped his head back against the pillow.
“How the hell is this going to work?” He rolled to his side.
I shifted up to share the pillow, and then tucked a stray hair behind my ear as I settled.
“The same way it’s always worked,” I said. “Only now, you get to see me naked.”
“So, like, friends with benefits?”
“Uh. No,” I stated firmly. “Like two people who love each other and have decided to take it to another level and actually be together.”
It wasn’t storming outside, so I couldn’t be completely certain, but judging by how quickly Till scrambled off the bed, I decided that he must have been struck by lightning.
I only felt it through a searing pain in my heart when Till yelled, “We can’t do that!”
I blinked at him. I’d expected this to some degree. I had known that Till would overthink us taking this step, but I was nowhere near ready for the wild eyes that stared back at me.
I did my very best to remain calm as I asked, “And why not, exactly?”
“Because it won’t work and then you’ll be gone.” He stated his
“That’s not true. Forever, remember?” I tried to ease his mind, but he was already dragging on his clothes, ready to bolt. “Just chill out. Please. Sit down and let’s talk.” I pulled my robe on and watched as he started pacing the length of my bed.
“I can’t be with you, Doodle. Not in the way you want.”
“Um, why the hell not?”
He opened his mouth, but I quickly cut him off.
“And I swear to God, if you say the words ‘fantasy’ or ‘reality,’ I will lose my fucking mind.”
“Because I can’t lose you. I need—”
“Or that! Don’t say that! You can’t be with me because you can’t lose me? What the actual fuck does that even mean?” I yelled.
“It means what if we don’t work out as more!” He matched my intensity. “We are good at friends. Let’s stick with that.”
“Well, what if I decide to move to Zimbabwe to become a missionary?”
He arched his eyebrow. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were playing the ‘what-if’ game,” I replied sarcastically. “Because my what-if is just as plausible as yours. Hell, maybe even more likely.”
“Stop fucking around and be serious here.”
“I’ve never been more serious in my life.” I sucked in a deep breath, grasping for some semblance of calm that had obviously escaped me. “Till, you cuddle with me during scary movies and take out my trash if you notice it’s full,” I stated, and he stopped pacing long enough to tilt his head in confusion. “I cook for you almost five days a week and do well over half of your laundry after the ‘black sweater with the white towels’ fiasco. You are the first person I run to when I’ve had a bad day because you wrap me in your arms so it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You’ve never, in eight years, missed my birthday or, miraculously, a single night when I’ve made twice-baked potatoes. We lean on each other in virtually every facet of life. When you’ve had a bad day, I’m not sure if I’m the first person you run to, but I know for a fact that I’m the only person you fully trust to unload on. You would protect me with your life, and I would do the same for you. If you have a problem, I solve it—”
“That’s actually Vanilla Ice.”
“And I laugh at your jokes even when you tell them at completely the wrong times.”
“Sorry,” he said with an unapologetic shrug.
“We love each other ferociously—and if the last few days are any indication, we are undeniably attracted to each other sexually too. Till, we’ve been basically married for a long time. Facing the facts won’t change anything.”
“I can’t risk that it will, Eliza.”
“Well, it’s too late. We took the risk last night, and not five minutes ago, we were risking it all over again. I love you. That’s not ever going to change.”
“Bullshit! It will change. You’re right. We do lean on each other for almost everything, and if you weren’t here, I’d end up flat on my ass. Those six months when we were apart damn near destroyed me. I love you and would go to the ends of the Earth to keep you. But I am not fucking this up by trying to make it into something it may or may not be.”
“Oh, but you were okay with fucking me up last night?”
He grimaced. “Don’t act like that. That’s not fair. I wasn’t trying to—”
“Not fair? Oh, so now, we’re talking about fair? Well, let me tell you how fucking not fair this is to me. I fell in love with a man whose fantasy is crawling through my window to escape reality. All the while, my fantasy is walking out that door to navigate reality by his side. I’m pretty sure that is the definition of not fair.”
“Eliza.” He shook his head.
“No. Shut up. I’m so sick of living in your goddamn fantasy. You know what, fuck it!” I grabbed his hand and dragged him out of my room.
He didn’t put up a fight as we headed toward the front door, but he threw on the brakes the moment I snatched it open.
“Stop,” he said quietly.
“Come on, Till. We’ve been doing it your way for eight fucking years. It’s my turn.” I was beyond the point of rationality. I was madder than I could remember ever being, but not one single tear fell from my eyes. I really was done.
His feet didn’t budge.
“Let’s go!” I yelled again, pulling on his arms.
I’m not sure what I was trying to prove. I just wanted my fucking way for once. It wasn’t an issue of if Till wanted me or not, loved me or not, or could have me or not. It was all about his silly little need to keep me squirreled away because he was scared I’d eventually leave. He couldn’t understand that leaving him would have killed me too. I couldn’t have done it even if the world suddenly caught fire. I would have died at his side before my legs would have carried me away.
He silently stared at me as the tears finally made it to my eyes. I walked past him, and he turned, snagging my arm and dragging me into a hug.
“I love you. I swear I do. Please let that be enough,” he pleaded, stroking my hair and holding me tight.
We were it for each other, and there was nothing but a little boy’s dream world standing in our way.
“Okay. We’ll be fine.” I sniffled and stepped out of his grasp.
His whole body sagged as his chin dropped to his chest and his eyes closed in relief.
And then I ended it.
I rushed forward, and with both hands, I shoved Till as hard as I possibly could. Catching him off guard, I sent him stumbling out the door.
He stood dazed and in shock. His mouth hung open as his eyes blinked rapidly. It was physically painful for me to witness, but it had to be done.
“The fantasy’s over. Let me know when you’re ready to use the door.” With one swift push, I slammed the door on my relationship with Till Page.
I didn’t lock it. I actually stood there willing him to rush back through. He could be as mad as he wanted if he would just open that door and walk inside. I didn’t budge until I heard his footsteps head toward my bedroom. I sprinted back to my room, and just as he approached, I slammed the window too.
His gentle eyes turned murderous. “Open the fucking window,” he demanded through the glass.
“No.”
“Open the window!” he shouted.
“No more, Till. I love you, but I’m sick of living in your fantasy. My door will always be open for you.” Tears fell from my eyes as I watched each word land on his gorgeous face. “No more windows. No more pretending.”
“Eliza, don’t do this. We’ll start over. Go back to friends.”
“I can’t go back to that. Not after experiencing what we can be together.”
“Doodle! Open the window.” He pounded the heel of his hand against the brick building.
“Goodbye, Till.”
His eyes went wide as I slowly lowered the blinds. “Stop. Eliza!” he yelled until I drew the curtains.
Half of me expected him to shatter the glass to get back inside, but I guessed that would have ruined his magical window forever.
After several minutes, I heard him make his way back upstairs, which was immediately followed by several minutes of him yelling and breaking things. I couldn’t listen to any of it. I pulled my headphones on, curled into a ball on the bed, and allowed myself to lose it too.
I couldn’t lie to myself. There was always something romantic about Till’s crawling in my window and the way it made me feel to be so special that he was afraid to use the door. He wasn’t delusional—he knew the truth. But, sometimes, in the world we lived in, where everything was a struggle, it was easy to become dependent on the things that numbed the chaos. Some people turned to drugs or alcohol as an escape. But I had Till . . . and he had the fantasy.
Chapter Seventeen
Till
IT EXPLODED. ONE MINUTE, I was holding her in my arms as she came calling my name. And minutes later, she was
For a full twenty-four hours, I wallowed. I had no choice but to go to work. I went through the movements, but my mind was consumed with all things Eliza. I was a zombie. My mind scattered through scenarios that would get her back, but I knew there was only one solution—the impossible.
The first night without her, I snuck down to purgatory and left a new sketchpad against her window.
The second night, I stared a hole in my floor.
The third, I lay in my bed and talked to her—at least I hoped she could hear me.
I confessed to every time I had copped a feel and disguised it as something innocent over the years. I was completely unaware of how long that list really was until I hit the two-hour mark.
I missed her.
It had been three days, and I craved her on every level. She would come around though. We’d talk it out and go back to how we used to be. But what honestly pained me was that, even though I knew the way it had to be, I didn’t want to go back to being friends. I wanted to crawl through the floor and bury myself inside her.
I threw myself into the only thing that seemed to distract me—On The Ropes.
“What’s up, Leo?” I shook his hand, but he pulled it in for a back pat.
“Not much, man. How the hell are you guys doing?”
Leo James was the head of Slate and, his wife, Erica’s security team. He was up at the gym a good bit and often brought his family with him. I couldn’t quite figure out the dynamic with that group, but I thought maybe Leo and Erica were related somehow. They were super close, but for as protective as Slate was over Erica, he never seemed fazed in the slightest by how tight they were.
“We’re good. Jesus. You running a day care in here?” I stepped away as I was almost plowed over by an angry heard of toddlers.