Back To The Start Box Set: Five Full-Length Novels by Aly Martinez
“But it’s not Till’s fault. He loves you, Q. I know the old ‘misery loves company’ saying, but I can guarantee that he would way rather face this on his own.”
Fucking mind reader.
God, I missed her.
God, I loved her.
“A couple of weeks ago, I sat right here in purgatory with Till. He was a mess, freaking out when he found out that it might be genetic.”
“I wasn’t freaking out,” I mumbled to myself.
“You were freaking out,” she replied, making my eyes go wide.
“What?” Quarry questioned.
“I mean, um, earlier,” she said, covering up our conversation. “You were freaking out . . . just like your brother. You know, you and Till have a lot in common. Maybe, instead of being pissed at him, you should talk to him. There’s no magical solution for this, but it can’t hurt to have your big brother beside you on this journey.” She spoke the truth. She always did. Even when I was too stupid to recognize it.
Since I had been busted, there was no use hiding anymore. I walked around the corner of the building to find Quarry facing away from me. His head was resting in her lap, his hands awkwardly holding the sketchpad I had left on her window. It was a position I had perfected years earlier.
She was drawing long, fast strokes I immediately recognized as eyelashes. She didn’t look up as she lifted the hand that was buried in his hair and waved me away. I stood still for a second, reliving the moment when I first found out about my diagnosis. Eliza was the only thing that had held me together then too—and honestly, every day after that. It was only the promise of Eliza that kept the world from falling apart when, every single day, I was faced with overwhelming adversity.
I can’t lose that.
I knew what she wanted, because it was the exact same thing I’d have killed to have with her. But there are few things in life that trump the fear of losing your soul mate. I wouldn’t allow the desire to consume her to be one of them.
We were good at friends. We could leave it at that.
We had to.
I sulked back around the corner and listened to the two of them talk some more. As the intensity of the conversation decreased, so did the volume of their voices until I eventually lost purchase on their words.
I was content with the knowledge that she was still with him though. If there were one person in the world who could mend Quarry’s wounds, it was her.
Always her.
It must have been at least an hour later when they rounded that corner. I immediately found my feet. Quarry was startled to see me, and while Eliza sucked in a deep breath, it wasn’t from surprise.
“Hey.” I dusted off my jeans.
“What are you doing?” he asked, drying his red eyes.
“I was waiting for you.” My mouth told Quarry, but my words were for Eliza.
She rolled her eyes and looked away, but not before I saw the moisture glisten from behind her lashes.
“Sorry. For you know . . .” Quarry trailed off weakly, snapping my attention back to him.
“Don’t worry about that. We’re good.” I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him against my chest. He was far too much of a man to hug me back, but he didn’t fight me either. “I swear to God I’ll make this okay for you. I can’t fix it, Q. But I will make it okay.” I felt his shoulders softly quake, and it was all I could do to keep mine from joining him.
“I’m going to bed,” he announced, quickly walking away.
I stared at Eliza while we listened to his footsteps as he made his way upstairs.
Just before the door to my apartment shut, he called out, “Thanks, Eliza.”
“Anytime, Q,” she replied, holding my gaze.
“Can we talk?” I asked her.
“I don’t know. Can we?” She smacked the sketchpad against my chest.
“I miss you. I really need you right now, Doodle.” I took a step toward her, but she stepped out of reach.
“Well, you know where I’m at, Till.” She shoved her door open and backed into her apartment. “You want to come inside?” She tilted her head.
We both knew what it would mean if I crossed that threshold. Even above my ridiculous superstitions, it would mean forever.
“Doodle, please.”
“That’s what I thought.” With the flip of her wrist, she swung the door shut—once again.
“Shit.” I fisted my hair.
I dragged myself back to my room. As soon as I crashed into bed, I opened the sketchpad. I knew what I would find, but I would have given anything for it to be her softly curved eyes inside instead of my own.
But I was wrong on both accounts.
Quarry’s were the first to meet me, followed by Flint’s a few inches below. It was pages upon pages of the boys’ eyes with a few of my own scattered throughout.
It sucked for me to not have her, but I’d completely forgotten that she was all alone.
“You can see them any time you want, you know. Even if you don’t want to see me. You don’t have to ask,” I said out loud, knowing she could hear me. “How about tomorrow? You can pick them up from the gym and I’ll make an excuse why I have to stay later so you can just hang out for a few hours.”
She didn’t reply.
“Not me. Just them.”
Her emotion-filled voice broke the silence. “Okay.”
It was a single word, but it cut me to the bone. I was losing her faster than I could figure out how to make it right, and it was terrifying.
“I love you,” I choked out, but she remained agonizingly quiet.
Eliza
“I love you too,” I whispered inaudibly to the ceiling with tears streaming from my eyes. “I love you too.”
Chapter Nineteen
Till
“YOU STUPID SON OF A bitch!” Flint yelled as he charged through the front door.
My eyes swung to Quarry as I tried to figure out what he could have possibly done to warrant this kind of explosive reaction, but when I turned back to Flint, his rage had homed in on me.
“Are you talking to me like that?” I asked, dumbfounded.
I’d seen Flint lose his cool before, but never like this. That just wasn’t who he was. Me or Quarry, sure. But with the exception of when he’d lost it at the gym on Derrick Bailey, Flint was pretty chill.
“You’re an idiot. You fucked us all!” he screamed, stopping only inches from my face.
I wasn’t sure what the hell kind of Freaky Friday bullshit had happened that had transported Quarry into Flint’s body, but clearly, something unnatural had taken place. I was so confused that I couldn’t even formulate a stern response.
“Me?” I asked one more time just for clarification, causing Quarry to laugh beside me.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You couldn’t get your shit together, so now, she’s dating Derrick.”
“Who?” I questioned even though I knew the answer. But my throat had suddenly closed, and it was the only word I could force out.
“Eliza!” he roared, shoving my chest with both hands.
I stumbled a few steps, but it had less to do with his physical push and everything to do with her.
“No.” I shook my head, rejecting his statement.
“Oh yeah. I just passed them strolling arm in arm to his Mercedes.” He stepped back into my face. “Why? Why? Why!” he screamed.
“Why what?”
“Why can’t you get your shit together? Goddammit, she’s going to leave us! He’s a fucking piece of shit who hates you. You might as well have wrapped her in a pretty, red bow and handed her to him.” He stepped away and started to pace a familiar pattern. “Till, he’s rich. He’s gonna take her to nice places and give her nice things. She’ll get a taste of that life and won’t want to come back to us. She’ll be gone. ”
He was irrational, yet I hung on his every word.
“He’s gonna charm her into believing that he’s something he’s not and then take her aw
“She’s not stupid. She won’t fall for his bullshit.” I stated matter-of-factly, but in my head, each sentence was punctuated with a giant blinking question mark.
“Why would she go out with that douchebag?” Quarry asked, but I couldn’t focus.
“You have to fix this.” Flint stilled. “Start using the fucking door.”
I sighed and grabbed the back of my neck. “It’s not that easy.”
“Oh yeah?” He turned and stormed out of the front door only to immediately walk back in. He made a show of turning the knob and swinging the door. “I’m pretty sure it is that easy, brainiac.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I shot back.
“Oh, I don’t? Maybe you’ve forgotten that these floors work both ways. I’ve heard all your fantasy bullshit arguments with her.” He gave me a pointed look.
“Truth,” Quarry chimed in.
“Then you should understand that I can’t give her what she wants!”
“Pull your fucking head out of your ass and stop being such a pussy. You living in this ridiculous-ass fantasy world is fucking up reality for the rest of us. Including her.” He strode to his room, slamming the door behind him.
“Christ.” I dropped my head into my hands, feeling more lost than ever.
“For the record, are you not going to yell at him for cussing?”
“Get out of here, Q.”
“I’m just saying that—”
“Go!” I barked, and he wandered down the hall, joining Flint in their bedroom.
“What the fuck am I doing?” I whispered to myself, but Eliza wasn’t there to answer for me. She’d know exactly how to fix this.
* * *
I sat on those stairs for well over three hours. I repeatedly flipped through the pages of her sketchbook, tracing my fingers over the lines just because I knew her hands were the ones that had drawn them. It mildly calmed the chaos in my mind.
Finally, around ten, she came strolling up the sidewalk—surprisingly alone.
“Hey,” I said, taking in her sexy, red heels and hating Bailey that much more because he’d gotten to enjoy them.
“Hey,” she replied, nervously twirling her ponytail.
I sighed. “Really, Doodle? Derrick?” I shook my head in disappointment—at myself.
“He’s not a bad guy, Till. He’s actually pretty nice.”
“Sure.” I nodded. “But why him? Is this to get back at me? Some sort of punishment for not giving you what you want? Because you should know, it’s working. Really fucking well.” I laughed without humor.
“I’m not trying to punish you.” She stopped and tilted her head from side to side. “Well, maybe not completely.” She smiled, and it hurt so damn much.
That smile was an oasis for me. I knew it would vanish, but it would tease and taunt me while it lasted.
“Right.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t have the right to ask this, but I’m doing it anyway. Please don’t go on a second date with him. Doodle, that guy is no good. This is not coming from a jealous place. I just don’t want to see someone as amazing as you getting mixed up with a scumbag like that.”
She gave me a knowing look. “Not a jealous place?”
“Well, maybe not completely.” I chuckled, and tears sprung to her eyes. “Come here.”
She didn’t move, so I closed the distance between us and folded her into my arms.
“I’m so sorry I fucked this up. Just tell me how to fix it.”
She sniffled and backed away. “Open your eyes, Till. I’m sick of letting the Earth spin under my feet while you circle around me. We belong together, but if that isn’t going to happen, I have to start moving on.” She paused to wipe away the tears that were steadily dripping off her chin. “I don’t want to live in a world where the windows are locked and the Page boys don’t eat me out of house and home. So I am begging you, Till. Wake. Up.”
I didn’t have a chance to find the words to reply before she walked away.
I made my way back to my apartment and crashed into bed. I was exhausted, but I never found sleep that night. I also couldn’t figure out how to wake up either.
* * *
“Whoa! Take it easy. I just bought that bag.” Slate laughed as I pounded my aggression out. “I’m closing up in five. Go get changed and get out of here.”
I stopped and shook out my arms. “You mind if I stay for a little while longer? I’ll lock up when I leave.”
“What’s going on with you? You spent the better part of the night terrorizing my equipment, then you left with the boys, and less than an hour later, you’re back alone. Don’t get me wrong. I like the dedication. But there has to be more to this.”
I let out a huff and stared down at the ground. “Derrick’s car was parked at my apartment when I got home. I just can’t go back there right now.”
“What’s he doing at your place?”
“He’s not. He’s at Eliza’s.”
Slate’s eyebrows shot up as understanding crossed his face. “Did you two break up?”
“Who? Me and Eliza? We were never together.”
Slate barked out a laugh. “Sorry, buddy, but I think you were the only one who believed that.”
“No. Seriously. We’re just friends.”
“Well, of all the times I’ve seen you two together, she wasn’t just anything to you.”
“Whatever.” I blew him off, but only because I knew he was right.
“So, what’s your hang-up with Derrick being there, then?”
Now that I could answer. “I fucking hate that guy. I don’t want him anywhere near her.”
“Yeah, I heard you two went at it a few weeks ago.”
My head snapped to his.
Before then, he hadn’t mentioned a single word to me or Flint about that night at the gym. Slate had a strict “no fighting outside of the ring” policy, so I’d figured we would have for sure heard about it if he’d caught wind.
“Yeah. About that—” I started, but I was quickly interrupted.
“So, you’d be okay if it were any other guy at her place?”
“You got eyes for my girl, Slate?” I smarted back, and he laughed. “Nah. But it’s definitely worse because it’s him.”
“I get that.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Okay, stay as long as you want. Take it easy on my bag though.” He shot me a smile as he turned to walk away.
“She wants more,” I blurted. I needed someone to talk to, and the speed bag just wasn’t cutting it.
He turned back to face me, crossing his arms over his chest and signaling for me to explain.
“What if we took it to that next level and it didn’t work out? I’d lose her for good. But I can’t get her to understand, so I’m afraid it’s gonna happen anyway.” I tucked a glove under my arm and tugged it off.
“You want advice or you just want me to listen?”
“Advice. Please. Anything.”
“You’re going to lose her no matter what you do.”
“Wow. You are terrible at this,” I snarked.
“Till, she’s not the girl you hung out with in high school anymore. One of two things is gonna happen. Either you take the next step and make her your woman or you sit back and watch someone else do it. It’s gonna happen regardless of how much you try to fight it though. If it’s not Derrick, it will be someone else.”
“No. She’s dated in the past, but she’s never gotten serious with anyone.”
“She’s not a kid anymore though. She’s twenty-one years old and starting to make plans for the future. People don’t stay the same forever, especially women. But you have to face the facts that you can’t lose that girl you’re so desperate to hang on to . . . She’s already gone.”
“She’s not gone!” I shouted as the panic began to set in.
“Yeah, she is, son. You need to let go of whatever you two had before and make something new. I’m not saying you have to marry Eliza, but I think you need to
I didn’t have a response as he backed away. The fact that someone hadn’t already swooped Eliza off her feet was a miracle in and of itself. But she’d always made it clear that she loved me. It was stupid and naïve, but I hadn’t worried that she would end up with anyone else. The scenario of watching her get married seemed so farfetched that I couldn’t even conjure the image.
So, instead of focusing on Eliza’s imaginary wedding, I closed my eyes and pictured my life with someone else.
Chapter Twenty
Eliza
I WAS ECSTATIC WHEN I heard the unexpected knock on my apartment door. But when I opened it, I felt a deep sense of disappointment when I found Derrick standing on my welcome mat. He’d brought Chinese food to apologize for having to dash after our date the night before. Little did he know, but that had been my favorite part of the entire date. My manners won out and I invited him in.
We’d hung out and talked for a couple hours. It had been a fine evening. Not great. Just fine. When I made the excuse that I was getting tired, he took the hint. I offered him a chaste hug at the door, but he had other ideas. His lips softly brushed mine, and instead of feeling the spark of excitement that should precede a first kiss, I cringed. He didn’t seem to notice, so with promises of a date the next night, I hurried him out.
Derrick was a nice enough guy. He was charming and all that crap, but there was no chance in hell we would ever turn into more. He was no Till. I was afraid no one ever would be though.
I was lying on my couch, fighting my hands as eyes flowed from the charcoal, when yet another unexpected knock at the door startled me.
“Um . . . who is it?”
“It’s me.” Till’s voice shook on two simple syllables.
I snatched the door open, praying that it would be the moment I’d been waiting for, but his feet never even shuffled forward.
“I’m ready to let us go,” he announced abruptly.
Never in my life had I felt a pain so deeply.