Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer by Demelza Carlton
stared fixedly out the window. The strong smell of disinfectant stung my eyes. There was a small spider in a dense web in the corner, its legs and underside up against the glass. I tried to count every leg, every joint...
"Oh hell. That looks bad," Caitlin struggled to say.
My eyes darted to her. She stared down at her lap and I caught a glimpse of the mess the bullet had made of her leg.
"A skin graft over that would help hide the scar," Nurse Carol said gravely.
Caitlin's voice sounded weak. "But where would you take the graft from? Everywhere is..." Her voice faded as the tears took over.
I crossed the room, hesitating as I approached her. I didn't want to see that leg wound, but I didn't want her to cry, either. Shit, now that she was awake, it wasn't as simple as before. She might not even want me here.
Carol looked up at me for a moment, before her eyes returned to Caitlin. "Hey, that's the worst of your wounds. The rest are healing up nicely. You'll see." She worked to cover the bullet wound up again as I watched. The next piece of gauze the nurse removed uncovered a series of shallow cuts that looked like someone had tried to carve letters into her leg. Now that they were healing, I could see the shapes of the scars.
I swallowed, trying not to say anything.
How could they...
I gritted my teeth so hard it felt like I'd break them. I didn't relax until the nurse smoothed a dressing over her leg.
I breathed again, sure the wound on her other thigh couldn't be worse. My eyes flew to it, expectantly. Nurse Carol ripped the dressing off.
"Oh God," I burst out before I could stop myself. I could feel my jaw lock open, too horrified to close.
Both of the girls regarded me with consternation. Caitlin lifted her arms up, as if she was considering asking for a hug. Her hospital gown showed the dark, damp splotches where her tears had landed. Darker blue on blue. I didn't wait for her to ask, rushing the last few steps to comfort her.
I squeezed my own eyes shut as she cried into my shirt.
Plastic and paper crackled as Nurse Carol covered up the livid letters that spelled CHRIS in jagged lines across Caitlin's thigh, matching the crossed-out ALANNA on her other leg.
30
Hurting. So cold...
Go away. Let me sleep.
End this.
Don't hurt me any more.
Buzz OFF!
Keep fighting. Don't let them win.
Knew the voice. Didn't say that.
Not when they hurt me.
Wasn't THERE.
He's dead.
Saw him get shot.
Can't be him.
Must be... a dream.
31
Caitlin's screams woke me again, so I lumbered out of my bed and over to hers before I was fully awake. Taking care to make sure her crisp cotton sheet was between us, I folded her into a comforting hug. "It's okay, I'm here..." I murmured. "Keep fighting it, don't let them win..."
I waited for the screaming to become sobbing before she calmed down enough to lie still again. When I was sure it was over, I gently let her down onto her pillows and stumbled back to my bed. The vinyl floor was cool beneath my feet.
"Nathan?" Caitlin's voice was quavery.
Shit. It wasn't over yet. No sleep for the wicked. "It's all right, I'm here," I began wearily, sliding my hand down her back to lift her into my arms again.
She gave a shudder and pulled away from me, sitting up on her own. "What are you doing? Why were you touching me when I woke up?"
Oh, shit. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly wide awake. "You've been having a lot of really bad nightmares and you wouldn't wake up. You... were screaming. Screaming for me to help you. You... don't scream as much if I... hug you." I sounded like the worst kind of deviant, watching and touching her while she slept.
"How often have you... hugged me?" Caitlin asked cautiously.
I didn't want to answer, but it was better if I did. The nurses would tell her, anyway, if I didn't. "Whenever you had nightmares, until you stopped screaming."
Her round, dark eyes held a lot of things in their depths: betrayal, sadness, panic. She didn't say anything, but her eyes said plenty.
"I did it because I couldn't wake you up. I promised... I promised I wouldn't let them hurt you and they were hurting you in your dreams. I couldn't just sit by and do nothing." I spoke faster than I'd intended. Shit. It was like I'd told my boss, charm and a smile wouldn't work on Caitlin. I was fucked.
She bit her lip, still not saying a word.
"That's all, I swear! The same as tonight. It helped you to calm down, stop screaming and settle back into a peaceful sleep." I swallowed. Except the one time I went too far and kissed her, when she let me know just how much she didn't like that. Shit, don't even think about it.
Her voice was soft and she spoke slowly, as if considering each word. "That explains... some things." She didn't explain anything. Her big eyes studied me. "Nathan, could you do me a favour?"
If she let me stay like I was supposed to after this monumental fuck-up, I'd do just about anything. "Sure," I replied.
"Next time I have a bad dream, can you please wake me up first?" Her eyes were pleading.
I smiled broadly. "Sure," I said again, turning on the charm just a little in relief. "With pleasure."
She shrank back against the pillows, her eyes wide with fear once more. "But please don't touch me."
I felt my heart shrink in response. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how to do it without touching her. I stared at her for a moment, before closing my eyes, nodding wearily as I headed back to bed.
I got the message, all right. I was more useful asleep and on the other side of the room. I wasn't going to argue with that.
32
In the evening, I sat in the chair beside her bed, watching some programme that Caitlin found more interesting than I did. It seemed to be about some women who agonised over their inability to have a perfect, long-term relationship with a man, in between trying men on the way they tried on clothes. It was funny, if nothing else. More than once, I saw a watery smile float to the surface of Caitlin's expression, before it sank to the hidden depths again.
I ached to see her smile properly or even laugh. I found my thoughts drifting to what I could do to lift her spirits. I decided to go to the gift shop downstairs and pick up some chocolate. I stood up, opening my mouth to tell her I'd be right back.
The phone rang on the bedside cabinet between us. We looked at each other, surprised, before she started to reach for it.
She's going to realise she can't pick it up, then she's going to cry, I thought. Quicker and closer, I hit the button that put the call on the phone's hands-free setting.
"Hello?" I answered quickly, before she could react.
An older man responded in a heavy accent, sounding confused. "Ah, I was looking for Caitlin Lockyer? I'm her father."
My eyes went to Caitlin, questioningly.
She nodded as she spoke up. "Hi, Dad. I'm here."
"I've only just checked my messages – we've been out of range of all but satphones for the last month. The police got a hold of me just as we left, to say they'd call me if they had any updates, but it didn't seem that they did. Your friend Jo left a message for me to say you'd been found, but you were in hospital. What happened?"
I took a step toward the door, trying to keep my voice as low as possible. "Did you want me to stay, or will you be okay if I..." I gestured toward the corridor beyond her room.
Caitlin shook her head, looking unconcerned. "Go, go," she mouthed, waving her hands as if she were pushing me out the door.
I went, smiling and nodding in what I hoped was an understanding way. As she started to tell a very abridged version of what she'd been through, I listened to her tone. Careful, as flat as she could make it, Caitlin barely sounded distressed at all as she recited, "Some men pulled me into their car, knocked me out and took me somewhere dark. Th
ey... hurt me. Someone found me, took me to hospital." Here she paused, as if she needed something to give her the impetus to carry on.
I hesitated, wondering if I should turn around and go back in.
I heard the murmur of her father's voice, but not the words, as I was too far down the corridor. I stopped and strained to hear her reply.
"... I wasn't out alone after dark. It was broad daylight – I was shopping for Jason's birthday present," she said, sounding resigned. Her voice dropped lower so I couldn't hear more.
Who was Jason that she needed to get him a birthday present?
Forgetting the chocolate, I returned to her room. I debated whether I should go back in or not and decided to do something I'm not proud of. I stood beside her open door, out of her line of sight, and listened to the whole conversation.
Her father's voice was the next I heard. "Will you be okay if I take this contract? It's a whole three months with an exploration drilling rig, but they've offered me so much money I don't want to turn it down."
Three months? She'd be alone in her house for three months and there was no one there now. I needed to get our remote surveillance guys in and out of there before she got home. I'd call them as soon as she was asleep. Work would be happy I had something to report, even if it was just intel on her house.
"Sure, Dad, I'll be fine," she murmured. "I'm still going to be in hospital for a couple of weeks and it's not like I can't cook when I get home. Take photos, okay? Something cool. You know I like to see what you're up to, even if I have to wait 'til you're home to see them."
"Bye honey – they're calling my flight, time to go again."
"Bye, Dad," she said softly. I heard the dial tone as
"Oh hell. That looks bad," Caitlin struggled to say.
My eyes darted to her. She stared down at her lap and I caught a glimpse of the mess the bullet had made of her leg.
"A skin graft over that would help hide the scar," Nurse Carol said gravely.
Caitlin's voice sounded weak. "But where would you take the graft from? Everywhere is..." Her voice faded as the tears took over.
I crossed the room, hesitating as I approached her. I didn't want to see that leg wound, but I didn't want her to cry, either. Shit, now that she was awake, it wasn't as simple as before. She might not even want me here.
Carol looked up at me for a moment, before her eyes returned to Caitlin. "Hey, that's the worst of your wounds. The rest are healing up nicely. You'll see." She worked to cover the bullet wound up again as I watched. The next piece of gauze the nurse removed uncovered a series of shallow cuts that looked like someone had tried to carve letters into her leg. Now that they were healing, I could see the shapes of the scars.
I swallowed, trying not to say anything.
How could they...
I gritted my teeth so hard it felt like I'd break them. I didn't relax until the nurse smoothed a dressing over her leg.
I breathed again, sure the wound on her other thigh couldn't be worse. My eyes flew to it, expectantly. Nurse Carol ripped the dressing off.
"Oh God," I burst out before I could stop myself. I could feel my jaw lock open, too horrified to close.
Both of the girls regarded me with consternation. Caitlin lifted her arms up, as if she was considering asking for a hug. Her hospital gown showed the dark, damp splotches where her tears had landed. Darker blue on blue. I didn't wait for her to ask, rushing the last few steps to comfort her.
I squeezed my own eyes shut as she cried into my shirt.
Plastic and paper crackled as Nurse Carol covered up the livid letters that spelled CHRIS in jagged lines across Caitlin's thigh, matching the crossed-out ALANNA on her other leg.
30
Hurting. So cold...
Go away. Let me sleep.
End this.
Don't hurt me any more.
Buzz OFF!
Keep fighting. Don't let them win.
Knew the voice. Didn't say that.
Not when they hurt me.
Wasn't THERE.
He's dead.
Saw him get shot.
Can't be him.
Must be... a dream.
31
Caitlin's screams woke me again, so I lumbered out of my bed and over to hers before I was fully awake. Taking care to make sure her crisp cotton sheet was between us, I folded her into a comforting hug. "It's okay, I'm here..." I murmured. "Keep fighting it, don't let them win..."
I waited for the screaming to become sobbing before she calmed down enough to lie still again. When I was sure it was over, I gently let her down onto her pillows and stumbled back to my bed. The vinyl floor was cool beneath my feet.
"Nathan?" Caitlin's voice was quavery.
Shit. It wasn't over yet. No sleep for the wicked. "It's all right, I'm here," I began wearily, sliding my hand down her back to lift her into my arms again.
She gave a shudder and pulled away from me, sitting up on her own. "What are you doing? Why were you touching me when I woke up?"
Oh, shit. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly wide awake. "You've been having a lot of really bad nightmares and you wouldn't wake up. You... were screaming. Screaming for me to help you. You... don't scream as much if I... hug you." I sounded like the worst kind of deviant, watching and touching her while she slept.
"How often have you... hugged me?" Caitlin asked cautiously.
I didn't want to answer, but it was better if I did. The nurses would tell her, anyway, if I didn't. "Whenever you had nightmares, until you stopped screaming."
Her round, dark eyes held a lot of things in their depths: betrayal, sadness, panic. She didn't say anything, but her eyes said plenty.
"I did it because I couldn't wake you up. I promised... I promised I wouldn't let them hurt you and they were hurting you in your dreams. I couldn't just sit by and do nothing." I spoke faster than I'd intended. Shit. It was like I'd told my boss, charm and a smile wouldn't work on Caitlin. I was fucked.
She bit her lip, still not saying a word.
"That's all, I swear! The same as tonight. It helped you to calm down, stop screaming and settle back into a peaceful sleep." I swallowed. Except the one time I went too far and kissed her, when she let me know just how much she didn't like that. Shit, don't even think about it.
Her voice was soft and she spoke slowly, as if considering each word. "That explains... some things." She didn't explain anything. Her big eyes studied me. "Nathan, could you do me a favour?"
If she let me stay like I was supposed to after this monumental fuck-up, I'd do just about anything. "Sure," I replied.
"Next time I have a bad dream, can you please wake me up first?" Her eyes were pleading.
I smiled broadly. "Sure," I said again, turning on the charm just a little in relief. "With pleasure."
She shrank back against the pillows, her eyes wide with fear once more. "But please don't touch me."
I felt my heart shrink in response. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how to do it without touching her. I stared at her for a moment, before closing my eyes, nodding wearily as I headed back to bed.
I got the message, all right. I was more useful asleep and on the other side of the room. I wasn't going to argue with that.
32
In the evening, I sat in the chair beside her bed, watching some programme that Caitlin found more interesting than I did. It seemed to be about some women who agonised over their inability to have a perfect, long-term relationship with a man, in between trying men on the way they tried on clothes. It was funny, if nothing else. More than once, I saw a watery smile float to the surface of Caitlin's expression, before it sank to the hidden depths again.
I ached to see her smile properly or even laugh. I found my thoughts drifting to what I could do to lift her spirits. I decided to go to the gift shop downstairs and pick up some chocolate. I stood up, opening my mouth to tell her I'd be right back.
The phone rang on the bedside cabinet between us. We looked at each other, surprised, before she started to reach for it.
She's going to realise she can't pick it up, then she's going to cry, I thought. Quicker and closer, I hit the button that put the call on the phone's hands-free setting.
"Hello?" I answered quickly, before she could react.
An older man responded in a heavy accent, sounding confused. "Ah, I was looking for Caitlin Lockyer? I'm her father."
My eyes went to Caitlin, questioningly.
She nodded as she spoke up. "Hi, Dad. I'm here."
"I've only just checked my messages – we've been out of range of all but satphones for the last month. The police got a hold of me just as we left, to say they'd call me if they had any updates, but it didn't seem that they did. Your friend Jo left a message for me to say you'd been found, but you were in hospital. What happened?"
I took a step toward the door, trying to keep my voice as low as possible. "Did you want me to stay, or will you be okay if I..." I gestured toward the corridor beyond her room.
Caitlin shook her head, looking unconcerned. "Go, go," she mouthed, waving her hands as if she were pushing me out the door.
I went, smiling and nodding in what I hoped was an understanding way. As she started to tell a very abridged version of what she'd been through, I listened to her tone. Careful, as flat as she could make it, Caitlin barely sounded distressed at all as she recited, "Some men pulled me into their car, knocked me out and took me somewhere dark. Th
I hesitated, wondering if I should turn around and go back in.
I heard the murmur of her father's voice, but not the words, as I was too far down the corridor. I stopped and strained to hear her reply.
"... I wasn't out alone after dark. It was broad daylight – I was shopping for Jason's birthday present," she said, sounding resigned. Her voice dropped lower so I couldn't hear more.
Who was Jason that she needed to get him a birthday present?
Forgetting the chocolate, I returned to her room. I debated whether I should go back in or not and decided to do something I'm not proud of. I stood beside her open door, out of her line of sight, and listened to the whole conversation.
Her father's voice was the next I heard. "Will you be okay if I take this contract? It's a whole three months with an exploration drilling rig, but they've offered me so much money I don't want to turn it down."
Three months? She'd be alone in her house for three months and there was no one there now. I needed to get our remote surveillance guys in and out of there before she got home. I'd call them as soon as she was asleep. Work would be happy I had something to report, even if it was just intel on her house.
"Sure, Dad, I'll be fine," she murmured. "I'm still going to be in hospital for a couple of weeks and it's not like I can't cook when I get home. Take photos, okay? Something cool. You know I like to see what you're up to, even if I have to wait 'til you're home to see them."
"Bye honey – they're calling my flight, time to go again."
"Bye, Dad," she said softly. I heard the dial tone as