Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer by Demelza Carlton
Part of me hoped she'd forget all of it, thinking the whole night was a dream. It wouldn't be the first time. Then she could go on, tolerating my presence because I was a friend who wanted to help her and I didn't want anything else.
Could I go back to ignoring how much I want her? Especially now I had the faintest hope that she wanted me. Or one day she would...
Last night, she'd shown me a small part of the fire she'd had before all of this. The inner fire that had gotten her through it. To imagine what she'd be like, not scared and not hurt any more. Just Caitlin...
I found myself staring at her. I want you was probably written across my face – and my shorts as well.
Her big, dark eyes opened.
Oh, fuck. I had to cover up before she noticed and ran away screaming. Or worse.
I smiled and sat on the edge of the bed, dumping my clothes in my lap. "Good morning."
She was silent for a moment as she sat up, pulling the quilt with her. Caitlin winced; her fingers looking thicker than usual. I'd forgotten the ice pack, so they'd swollen up from the beating her hand took last night. A beating I gave her... oh God. I swallowed.
"Good morning," she replied vaguely. "What happened to my hand?"
I thought quickly. "You must have been lying on it. You passed out in the toilet last night, angel – remember?" Of course she wouldn't. "Maybe you hit it as you fell. You were lying pretty awkwardly on the floor."
Awkward was an understatement. Pinned under Navid before he knocked her out as I looked on and did nothing.
Caitlin looked puzzled, then nodded slowly.
I changed the subject. "Did you have any more nightmares?"
"No, no more nightmares." Caitlin's face lifted with a watery smile.
"Good." I hesitated, before I gave in and leaned forward to kiss her. Her hands crept around my neck as she kissed me back. I didn't want to stop. Her quilt slipped down and I was conscious of her breasts pressed against my chest.
She pushed me away, clutching at the quilt again. "Nathan, please, stop." She sounded breathless.
I leaned back again as she caught her breath. "I want... I wish... I wish I was brave enough to do this. I'm still scared, Nathan. I'm scared of... even with you." She looked up at me, her eyes filling with tears.
I wrapped my arms around her, quilt and all, and told her it was all right, that she knew I'd never hurt her.
As she cried, my heart sang. She wanted me. One day, next week or next month or next year, she'd be ready.
All I had to do was hold onto her and wait. Hoping she didn't remember...
79
"You should wear this." I dropped the red dress in her lap. I sat behind her to help fasten her bra, trying not to think about how well the colour matched the dress. I had a serious craving for strawberries.
Her hair was still wet from the shower. Caitlin sprayed something on her damp tresses as she brushed them. More strawberries, I realised as the scent of her conditioner spray hit my nose. "What for?" she asked.
"I'm going to take you out for lunch, then maybe we can see a movie, or you can buy some more clothes to replace what was damaged. Afterwards we can have dinner somewhere. After that, I'll take you home, if you like. Or, if you'd prefer, I can take you back to my house for a bit." I raised my eyebrows.
"I would like to see your house," she said, thankfully.
"Okay, so get dressed so we can go have lunch." I left the room, but stayed by the door. She still had trouble with zips and buttons and if I wasn't there to offer a hand, I'd come back to find her half-dressed and in tears, her hands in the freezer, looking for ice to dull the pain. She never asked for help. I'd have to offer, or see her hurting.
"Nathan, could I ask you a favour?" Her words were quiet and precise.
"Sure," I answered. She didn't ask for many favours.
"Tonight, I'd like you to get me drunk in a pub or a nightclub, please."
I was glad she couldn't see my face. I didn't know whether to be horrified or happy. My heart flew. She'd do this so she could find the courage she thought she didn't have. She wanted me to get her drunk so she'd sleep with me.
Before it fell. That'd be taking advantage of her.
No it wouldn't. She was a responsible adult making a choice.
And was twisted like a crushed aluminium can. She wasn't a responsible adult – the pain and the pain drugs messed with her head. If I took advantage of her when she was drunk, I'd never forgive myself and she might not, either.
She might not even do it – she might just want to get drunk, pass out and nothing would happen.
"Why do you want to get drunk?" I asked, glancing over my shoulder at her, but she didn't need my help yet.
This time she hesitated and sounded uncertain. "Because... I turned eighteen while I was still in hospital. I've never been drunk in a pub... and I want to. I know that you'll make sure I get to bed afterwards." Big, trusting eyes looked up at me.
If only she trusted me enough to let me do what I'd like to with her. Nothing scary, nothing strange, nothing I'd have hesitated to ask any other girl I wanted. Until Caitlin. If only she'd let me...
"Okay. I'll take you to a pub tonight and buy you some belated birthday drinks," I told her.
And anything else you want, angel – all you have to do is ask. And if you don't...
I'll be the perfect fucking gentleman, as always, I resolved grimly.
80
The bouncer took one look at her ID, recognised who Caitlin was and let us straight in. It was Friday night and the place was packed, but we'd managed to get a tiny little table with a good view over the dance floor that wasn't too far from the bar. I bought us drinks and we toasted her belated happy birthday.
She was happy enough, well into her first drink, when the DJ turned the music down to make his announcement.
"We have a local celebrity here tonight – a girl who we all thought was dead, but here she is, celebrating her eighteenth birthday here with us. Let's all say a big happy birthday to Caitlin Lockyer!" Cheers erupted as he pointed straight at us. "There she is! And we're all going to make sure she has a great time tonight!" More cheers, louder this time.
The music started up again and Caitlin suddenly became very interested in finishing her drink. People around us were staring and I could hear someone at the next table saying, "... found by some bloke on a beach where she'd been left to die..."
I offered to get her another drink, but it was a long wait at the bar. I found myself listening to the conversation going on behind me.
"Matt, don't. Her boyfriend's just at the bar, you're not going to get anywhere with her."
"I say he's her bodyguard, not boyfriend. Come on, mate, it's worth a try. The worst she can do is say no." I turned slightly to look at the blokes having the conversation, just in time to see Matt disappear into the crowd. His mate shook his head and drank his beer.
"Nathan?" The voice that knew my name was familiar. Memories stirred of tequila shots, chartreuse and taking home two hot Canadian students. Marcus, who'd never let me live down leaving him alone while I escorted both girls to my house.
I turned my back on the head-shaking stranger and came face-to-face with Marcus. "Hi, mate."
He grinned. "I knew it was you. Haven't seen you in ages! I've had the pick of the best while you've been away. Who's your target tonight?"
Feeling proud, I nodded toward Caitlin. "Red dress." And far more beautiful than any other girl I'd seen in this club. Not tonight. Not ever.
I saw Matt sidle out of the crowd and sit down opposite Caitlin.
"Looks like you have competition, mate," Marcus teased.
Matt said something and she gave a short reply, with a nervous smile.
I shook my head. My smile was as confident as ever. I was the only one who'd be taking Caitlin home. "No, mate. Caitlin's mine."
"Caitlin?" Marcus peered at her, looking worried. "No, don't, mate."
I l
"She's been in the news, mate. Kidnapped, raped and found by some bloke on a beach where they left her to die. She's not worth it." Marcus sounded really serious.
He didn't know her, nor what she was worth. "Because some other bloke's had her first? You know I'm not into virgins, mate..."
Matt said something else to Caitlin, but she didn't reply.
Marcus persisted. "Are you stupid? Not only is she Mission Impossible, but if you manage to get her drunk enough to get into her pants, there's no saying she won't call it rape in the morning. You're fucked, either way. Don't, mate." I heard the words, but I didn't pay them any heed.
Matt must have introduced himself to Caitlin, because he stuck out a hand to shake hers. She hesitated, before she offered him her badly bruised right hand. I watched him give a firm handshake, squeezing her fingers too hard.
I saw her lips frame the words, "Let go of me," as she winced in pain.
"Oh, shit." I left Marcus standing at the bar and started to shove my way through the crowd back to Caitlin. Before I could get there, the guy from the next table leaned back and punched Matt in the face.
Matt keeled over backwards, flat out on the floor. The half-dozen feet he'd almost landed on laid into the guy, too, so I couldn't even see where he was in the free-for-all. Caitlin stood up unsteadily but didn't know where to go to get away from the brawl that was rapidly escalating in front of her. She looked around frantically, too scared to release the scream I could see building as she jerked in each panicked breath.
I curled an arm around her, trying to support her. I could feel her body