Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer by Demelza Carlton
knelt on the floor beside Caitlin and slid a hand down her back, lifting her torso a little off the floor.
"Okay, I've found you some pyjamas. Let's get you dressed again," I murmured as I slid the top over her head. She started to pull away, but I kept talking. "It's okay, it's me, just getting you dressed for bed..."
I pulled the top down over her chest and stomach, taking the towel away as I did so. The top was huge on her. I told myself it was better than nothing. I couldn't have done any better – only in books and movies could a bloke buy clothes for a girl and get the size perfect, first try.
Right, time for the pants.
I pulled the towel down further.
Oh, shit.
She still wore her wet underwear. I wasn't game to find her fresh underwear – I didn't want to take these off, but I'd have to. Fuck.
Caitlin's a beautiful girl. I'm not gay. It was fucking hard and I was wearing nothing but a fairly flimsy towel. I tried really hard to think of something, anything, but the beautiful girl I was about to undress.
I kept the towel over her. I hooked my fingers into the waistband of her knickers and pulled them down, keeping my eyes closed 'til I got them to her feet. Equally quickly, I slid the pyjama pants up to her waist, trying to touch her as little as possible. I pulled the towel away when I knew she was dressed. I took the last towel and spread it across my chest before I lifted Caitlin up and carried her back to her bedroom.
I laid her on the sheets, my hand lingering on her hair as I let her head down onto the pillow. I wanted... fuck. I pulled the quilt up to her collarbone, hiding temptation from sight.
Navid knocked on the door. "Everyone's in place. Even if there's nothing to watch for – they're all dead," he said. He looked hesitant. "Can I see her?"
I jerked my head toward the bed, lifting a finger to my lips to indicate quiet. She'd have a heart attack if she woke up to find him that close to her again, after what we just did.
He stood over Caitlin and looked at her for a moment, before he whispered, "She's just a kid! How did she survive?"
I shrugged. "She's stronger than she looks."
He got down on his knees beside the bed, next to her. "But isn't she beautiful? No wonder girls like this cover their faces. With one look, she could steal your soul. I swear Persian girls are the most beautiful in the world." Before I could stop him, he ran his fingertips down her cheek.
She shrank away from his fingers, screwing her face up. "No. Nathan. Nathan?"
I jerked my head toward the door. "Get out," I hissed.
I dropped to my knees beside her bed and held her tightly. "I'm here," I breathed into her ear. "I'm here." I felt her body relax in my arms and my heart with it.
"Why don't you just seduce her and be done with it?" Navid's voice startled me. Where he stood, his face was in shadow, his expression unreadable. "We've all seen how you look at her, how you act with her. You even sleep with her, every night. Some of the other guys find it hard to believe you haven't yet, but they don't know you. You wouldn't look at her the way you do if you'd already fucked her."
"It's not like that," I told him. "She'd run screaming if I so much as kissed her." Or fight as dirty as she had to if she was cornered and she couldn't run. I ached in more than one place at the memory of my lips on hers earlier that evening.
I like a girl with spirit.
A terrible line for a movie villain, yet no less true in my case. I hid a smile. But Caitlin wasn't just a girl with spirit – strike a match and I could set that spirit alight.
Oh God, what I'd give to see her burn with a passion that wasn't fury...
Navid interrupted my thoughts as if he'd heard them. "Give it a shot. What do you have to lose? You said it yourself. This operation is effectively over after tonight. It's not like you'll be seeing her for much longer." I could see his shoulders shrug.
What did I have to lose? I could lose HER. For the second time that night, I felt hollow, as if all my organs had suddenly been sucked into a vacuum in my chest, my ribs caving in under the pressure.
I snapped, "We almost lost her tonight because you couldn't count. Only three men and no sign of her, you said. The only reason we didn't fail is that Caitlin shot her. Now go stand guard to make sure there aren't any more mistakes."
"Just like you taking so long to help her. When she had to shoot the bastard on the beach herself," he shot back.
When I'd thought she was dead. Like tonight. "Get out," I managed to say.
He shrugged. "You might want to put some clothes on if you're not going to fuck her. You look pretty stupid in a towel." I heard his laughter as he left. He shut the door again, and we were alone. The loudest sound in the room was her even breathing, lifting my heart like a feather buoyed by each breath. She was alive. Oh thank God, she was alive.
They were all taken care of. All of them. Her house was safe, she was safe – even I was safe. For the first time in how long? Too long. I pulled on my own pyjamas automatically, my eyes not leaving her sleeping face.
I almost lost her, then I almost killed her. By what miracle was she alive?
I didn't care. I lay down beside her, wrapped my arms around her like I had in the hospital – it seemed like a different century – and tried to believe that this was really happening. Despite my stupidity, she was alive in my arms.
76
Hand sliding between shirt and skin.
Fighting. NO.
Please help me...
These hands won't hurt, sometimes help
Just let me...
Scared. Tears.
I don't want to...
Clinical hands. No passion.
So cold.
Couldn't get it up.
Clothes taken away.
So cold.
Shivering until handed a pulled-off sweater.
Still warm from someone else's skin.
Wouldn't look. Couldn't look.
Need Superman.
Need help.
Sorry.
77
In my nightmare, the dead girl in the toilet had a face and it was hers. My heart broke anew as I felt hers no longer beat, before I realised her eyes were open. "You bastard..."
Fuck, I hate zombies.
I woke up in shock to find that Caitlin had woken in the dark, too. Her breathing beside me was fast, panicked, as if she was choking back tears. I didn't dare touch her. Zombies, corpses, blood – what if she still wanted to kill me? She'd said as much before Navid knocked her out.
"Hey, are you all right?" I asked her.
Her words tumbled over each other, trying to tell me her nightmare as I tried to focus on what she was saying, pushing the image of her dead face out of my mind.
"Just a bad dream," I told myself as much as her. "It's all over now." And she was alive here, so close...
I turned on my side to look at her in the faint illumination filtering through the curtains from the street lights outside, to see and believe what I was telling myself. At the same time, she shifted closer to me.
My lips met hers, her body against mine. I both heard and felt her sharp intake of breath. I froze for a moment, but she didn't move away or try to kill me. I should have backed away. Fuck, I should have. But I didn't.
This could be my last chance. Fuck it.
For the second time that night I kissed her, apprehensive at first, then with more feeling as I realised she was kissing me back.
If the last thing I did before she ripped my face off was kiss her, then I got a pretty good deal.
But if she wasn't going to kill me, I was taking advantage of her. She'd remember and she wouldn't forgive me for it, I struggled to tell myself, but even I couldn't hold that thought tonight. Her hands were under my shirt, on the bare skin of my back.
I kissed her lips, her neck, following her singlet strap as it slid off her shoulder and partway down her arm. I brushed my lips along the satin edge, from her shoulder to the swell of her breast.
I took a deep breath and let it out, fluttering the thin layer of fabric. I gently cupped her breast in my hand through her top, hesitated, then planted a kiss where satin met skin before letting go of her. I I felt her gasp, her rapid heartbeat and her ragged breathing as I waited to see what she'd do next.
She pulled back. Her hands held my face like a huge, hairy hamburger she was hesitant to touch. Her lips sought mine in a less ardent kiss than my last.
Her hands weren't touching me any more. Her lips were the only contact between us now, before that was broken, too. Resigned, I consoled myself with the thought that every kiss we shared now was one more than I had any reason to expect. Even the thought of more than that was a faint hope. Faint but alluring... Oh God, what I'd give for more than just a hope...
"I dreamed I killed someone, Nathan, because I'd prefer to die than let them hurt me again." Her voice was small and sad.
I dreamed you were dead and I won't let anyone hurt you again, I thought. I kissed her mouth, her lips salty with fresh tears. Don't cry, angel. What can I do to make you happy to be alive again? "Just a dream. Let me help take your mind off it."
I was slow to slide my arms around her, hoping to hold her close if nothing else. Of course, I hoped for more, too. Hoped she'd forget everything else and believe it was nothing but a bad dream. Dreamed she'd let me do some of the things I fantasised about, the first time I saw her. Not a hope.
Caitlin gave a shudder and I stopped. "No. I can't do this. No, Nathan. Maybe one day, when it's all over and there's no one left for me to be afraid of – but not tonight."
I felt the broad smile spread across my face, though she couldn't see it. "It is over, angel. They caught all three
"Okay, I've found you some pyjamas. Let's get you dressed again," I murmured as I slid the top over her head. She started to pull away, but I kept talking. "It's okay, it's me, just getting you dressed for bed..."
I pulled the top down over her chest and stomach, taking the towel away as I did so. The top was huge on her. I told myself it was better than nothing. I couldn't have done any better – only in books and movies could a bloke buy clothes for a girl and get the size perfect, first try.
Right, time for the pants.
I pulled the towel down further.
Oh, shit.
She still wore her wet underwear. I wasn't game to find her fresh underwear – I didn't want to take these off, but I'd have to. Fuck.
Caitlin's a beautiful girl. I'm not gay. It was fucking hard and I was wearing nothing but a fairly flimsy towel. I tried really hard to think of something, anything, but the beautiful girl I was about to undress.
I kept the towel over her. I hooked my fingers into the waistband of her knickers and pulled them down, keeping my eyes closed 'til I got them to her feet. Equally quickly, I slid the pyjama pants up to her waist, trying to touch her as little as possible. I pulled the towel away when I knew she was dressed. I took the last towel and spread it across my chest before I lifted Caitlin up and carried her back to her bedroom.
I laid her on the sheets, my hand lingering on her hair as I let her head down onto the pillow. I wanted... fuck. I pulled the quilt up to her collarbone, hiding temptation from sight.
Navid knocked on the door. "Everyone's in place. Even if there's nothing to watch for – they're all dead," he said. He looked hesitant. "Can I see her?"
I jerked my head toward the bed, lifting a finger to my lips to indicate quiet. She'd have a heart attack if she woke up to find him that close to her again, after what we just did.
He stood over Caitlin and looked at her for a moment, before he whispered, "She's just a kid! How did she survive?"
I shrugged. "She's stronger than she looks."
He got down on his knees beside the bed, next to her. "But isn't she beautiful? No wonder girls like this cover their faces. With one look, she could steal your soul. I swear Persian girls are the most beautiful in the world." Before I could stop him, he ran his fingertips down her cheek.
She shrank away from his fingers, screwing her face up. "No. Nathan. Nathan?"
I jerked my head toward the door. "Get out," I hissed.
I dropped to my knees beside her bed and held her tightly. "I'm here," I breathed into her ear. "I'm here." I felt her body relax in my arms and my heart with it.
"Why don't you just seduce her and be done with it?" Navid's voice startled me. Where he stood, his face was in shadow, his expression unreadable. "We've all seen how you look at her, how you act with her. You even sleep with her, every night. Some of the other guys find it hard to believe you haven't yet, but they don't know you. You wouldn't look at her the way you do if you'd already fucked her."
"It's not like that," I told him. "She'd run screaming if I so much as kissed her." Or fight as dirty as she had to if she was cornered and she couldn't run. I ached in more than one place at the memory of my lips on hers earlier that evening.
I like a girl with spirit.
A terrible line for a movie villain, yet no less true in my case. I hid a smile. But Caitlin wasn't just a girl with spirit – strike a match and I could set that spirit alight.
Oh God, what I'd give to see her burn with a passion that wasn't fury...
Navid interrupted my thoughts as if he'd heard them. "Give it a shot. What do you have to lose? You said it yourself. This operation is effectively over after tonight. It's not like you'll be seeing her for much longer." I could see his shoulders shrug.
What did I have to lose? I could lose HER. For the second time that night, I felt hollow, as if all my organs had suddenly been sucked into a vacuum in my chest, my ribs caving in under the pressure.
I snapped, "We almost lost her tonight because you couldn't count. Only three men and no sign of her, you said. The only reason we didn't fail is that Caitlin shot her. Now go stand guard to make sure there aren't any more mistakes."
"Just like you taking so long to help her. When she had to shoot the bastard on the beach herself," he shot back.
When I'd thought she was dead. Like tonight. "Get out," I managed to say.
He shrugged. "You might want to put some clothes on if you're not going to fuck her. You look pretty stupid in a towel." I heard his laughter as he left. He shut the door again, and we were alone. The loudest sound in the room was her even breathing, lifting my heart like a feather buoyed by each breath. She was alive. Oh thank God, she was alive.
They were all taken care of. All of them. Her house was safe, she was safe – even I was safe. For the first time in how long? Too long. I pulled on my own pyjamas automatically, my eyes not leaving her sleeping face.
I almost lost her, then I almost killed her. By what miracle was she alive?
I didn't care. I lay down beside her, wrapped my arms around her like I had in the hospital – it seemed like a different century – and tried to believe that this was really happening. Despite my stupidity, she was alive in my arms.
76
Hand sliding between shirt and skin.
Fighting. NO.
Please help me...
These hands won't hurt, sometimes help
Just let me...
Scared. Tears.
I don't want to...
Clinical hands. No passion.
So cold.
Couldn't get it up.
Clothes taken away.
So cold.
Shivering until handed a pulled-off sweater.
Still warm from someone else's skin.
Wouldn't look. Couldn't look.
Need Superman.
Need help.
Sorry.
77
In my nightmare, the dead girl in the toilet had a face and it was hers. My heart broke anew as I felt hers no longer beat, before I realised her eyes were open. "You bastard..."
Fuck, I hate zombies.
I woke up in shock to find that Caitlin had woken in the dark, too. Her breathing beside me was fast, panicked, as if she was choking back tears. I didn't dare touch her. Zombies, corpses, blood – what if she still wanted to kill me? She'd said as much before Navid knocked her out.
"Hey, are you all right?" I asked her.
Her words tumbled over each other, trying to tell me her nightmare as I tried to focus on what she was saying, pushing the image of her dead face out of my mind.
"Just a bad dream," I told myself as much as her. "It's all over now." And she was alive here, so close...
I turned on my side to look at her in the faint illumination filtering through the curtains from the street lights outside, to see and believe what I was telling myself. At the same time, she shifted closer to me.
My lips met hers, her body against mine. I both heard and felt her sharp intake of breath. I froze for a moment, but she didn't move away or try to kill me. I should have backed away. Fuck, I should have. But I didn't.
This could be my last chance. Fuck it.
For the second time that night I kissed her, apprehensive at first, then with more feeling as I realised she was kissing me back.
If the last thing I did before she ripped my face off was kiss her, then I got a pretty good deal.
But if she wasn't going to kill me, I was taking advantage of her. She'd remember and she wouldn't forgive me for it, I struggled to tell myself, but even I couldn't hold that thought tonight. Her hands were under my shirt, on the bare skin of my back.
I kissed her lips, her neck, following her singlet strap as it slid off her shoulder and partway down her arm. I brushed my lips along the satin edge, from her shoulder to the swell of her breast.
She pulled back. Her hands held my face like a huge, hairy hamburger she was hesitant to touch. Her lips sought mine in a less ardent kiss than my last.
Her hands weren't touching me any more. Her lips were the only contact between us now, before that was broken, too. Resigned, I consoled myself with the thought that every kiss we shared now was one more than I had any reason to expect. Even the thought of more than that was a faint hope. Faint but alluring... Oh God, what I'd give for more than just a hope...
"I dreamed I killed someone, Nathan, because I'd prefer to die than let them hurt me again." Her voice was small and sad.
I dreamed you were dead and I won't let anyone hurt you again, I thought. I kissed her mouth, her lips salty with fresh tears. Don't cry, angel. What can I do to make you happy to be alive again? "Just a dream. Let me help take your mind off it."
I was slow to slide my arms around her, hoping to hold her close if nothing else. Of course, I hoped for more, too. Hoped she'd forget everything else and believe it was nothing but a bad dream. Dreamed she'd let me do some of the things I fantasised about, the first time I saw her. Not a hope.
Caitlin gave a shudder and I stopped. "No. I can't do this. No, Nathan. Maybe one day, when it's all over and there's no one left for me to be afraid of – but not tonight."
I felt the broad smile spread across my face, though she couldn't see it. "It is over, angel. They caught all three