Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer by Demelza Carlton
promised.
"She's been beaten and worse by the dead guy, then when I tried to help her we both got SHOT by the police who were supposedly trying to help her. About the only person who hasn't hurt her is me, so she doesn't trust anyone else. Damn it, your guys shot her!
"And yes, I'm staying. I found some random girl on a beach, fought off her attacker and helped to get her to hospital, while getting shot in the process and winding up in hospital myself. So I'm sticking around because I want to know she's okay. If you were in my place, I imagine you'd want to know whether you'd wasted your time, too." I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.
He looked unmoved. "You have no witnesses to confirm your story before the police showed up? Anyone you told you were going for a walk, anyone who saw you?"
I nodded toward Caitlin. "She saw me." After thinking a moment, I added, "My doctor knows I have trouble sleeping. He gave me something called Temaze, but I only use it as a last resort."
"And how do you explain that your car was seen when she disappeared?"
I narrowed my eyes. "My car? I drive a red Mercedes. I know it's an unusual car, but I bet it's not the only one in Perth. You know it was my car? Someone saw the licence plates of my car?"
The cop looked abashed. "Okay, no, we don't know what the number plate was. We don't know it was your car. But it is a hell of a coincidence, all the same."
I took a deep breath and laughed. "Look mate, do you think she'd trust me if I was the guy who'd raped her?" More soberly, I continued: "Hell of a coincidence – more like someone's trying to set me up for this."
He looked indecisive for a moment, before replying in a low voice, "If someone's trying to set you up, they'll need to set you up with accomplices. Her medical report says that she's been raped repeatedly by at least four of them, probably including the dead one on the beach. And judging by her injuries, they've been at it for at least a couple of weeks. Three of them are still out there. When she wakes up she might be able to tell us who they are. But I never told you."
2
Red Mercedes.
They had a red Mercedes.
Hit me, pulled me in, drugged me.
Eyes like saucers. Pervert.
Sorry. Oh God, so sorry.
Let me go, you bastard.
Fighting the drugs.
Clawing at my throat.
Fighting the darkness.
The pain in the darkness.
Fight them.
Don't let them win.
3
I woke in daylight and glanced at my watch. Early afternoon. My shoulder ached and more besides. It must have been time for more pain medication. Please, please let there be more pain medication.
A smiling woman set a tray of lunch on the table next to my bed. She returned to the trolley for Caitlin's lunch, which she placed hesitantly on the table beside her.
"One of the volunteers should be along shortly, with the book and magazine trolley. Your roommate's on the front cover of today's paper – you might want to keep a copy for her."
I thanked the woman.
"When she wakes up, can you tell her I've given her today's and tomorrow's menu, so she can pick what she wants? Yours is on your tray, too." She lowered her voice. "The ice cream is really good."
I smiled and thanked her again as she left, my eyes straying to Caitlin. I slid out of bed and made my way over to her.
She was tucked tightly in her bed, still asleep, her face and hair all that showed. She looked as if she hadn't moved since we were brought here early this morning. With the amount of sedative she'd been given last night, she wasn't going to be awake for lunch today, nor dinner – I figured her first hospital meal wouldn't be earlier than breakfast tomorrow. I had until then to work out what I wanted to say to her when she woke up.
I headed past her, to the bathroom we shared, before I went back to sit on my bed to eat lunch for breakfast at lunchtime. I didn't taste any of it, from the first bite 'til I'd finished the ice cream.
When did I last eat? I wondered, realising that I couldn't remember. No wonder I'd been hungry. I'd last had a drink more than twelve hours ago, a sip on the beach, before I gave the rest of the can to Caitlin.
Almost without thinking, I pushed myself off my bed and settled into the visitor's chair beside her, so I could see her face. For the first time, I felt self-conscious that I was only wearing my shorts. They were the only item of clothing I had left – I'd handed the rest over to the police, her blood on everything else. I'd have to call my sister today and ask her to bring some fresh clothes, before Caitlin woke up. I didn't want to frighten her any more than she had been already.
"You'd have to be the first pretty girl I'd rather woke up to me fully clothed than in just my underwear," I told her. I laughed quietly.
Caitlin neither replied nor moved, she was so deeply asleep.
"I never wanted to see you hurt. I'm sorry I didn't help you sooner," I began hesitantly. No, that wasn't the first thing I wanted her to hear – reminding her of what had happened to her. I stared into space, my eyes focussing on her untouched meal tray. "Do you want your ice cream?"
When she didn't respond, I helped myself to the little cardboard tub, lifting the lid with a slight sucking sound. The ice cream had already started to melt in the warm room.
In between bites, I voiced the things I could say to her when she woke.
"Hi, remember me? I was oblivious to you getting hurt, so you're in hospital now." No. Could I sound more callous if I tried?
"I'm Nathan, I stole a shirt from a corpse and stuck it on you." Lovely.
"I wish I'd never seen you and then neither of us would be here. I wish none of this had ever happened." True, but still not something I should say to her. If I hadn't seen her, she might be dead now instead of in hospital.
I scraped the bottom of the cardboard container for the last melted drops. "I'm sorry – I finished your ice cream. When you wake up, I'll owe you one." I stood up and took the empty container to my meal tray.
All that I'd said should have been funny, given my dark humour, but I had no laughter left. I only felt empty. Not even my stolen ice cream could help to fill that void. What kind of person stole a sleeping girl's ice cream?
I made it to our shared bathroom before I threw up – her ice cream, mine and probably most of the lunch I hadn't tasted. When I was done, I rinsed my mouth and left the bathroom, closing the door hard behind me.
I returned to my own bed and stretched out on top of the covers. I folded my arms behind my head and stared at the ceiling for a moment, before I spoke again.
"I'm sorry, Caitlin. I'm so sorry."
My eyes started to water, probably from staring at the room light, so I closed them.
4
Dark. Pain. Cold. Tears.
Screaming for them to let me go until my throat hurt and my voice was almost gone.
No one.
No reply, no light.
More pain.
Bitter tears.
Alone in the dark when I needed HELP.
I remember lying down, sobbing.
Cold, rough, hard concrete.
Dusty. Made me cough but no one heard.
Cold and alone and hurting in the dark.
Pain.
Relief that no one had heard me, that there was no reply.
Not alone was worse. Oh hell...
5
"Go away – leave me alone!" Caitlin cried in panic.
I woke with a shock in the middle of the night. She was screaming and struggling to get away from someone – but there was no one else here.
I sat on the edge of her bed and shook her gently, but she didn't wake up. She was locked in a deadly struggle with the people in her nightmare.
She screamed abuse at me as I panicked and let go of her. There was nothing I could do.
Gradually, her struggles gave way to helpless tears. "Please help me... you promised..." she whimpered.
/> I tried to tell her I was here, that she was safe now, that there was nothing to worry about, because she was in the very best of care, but she kept going like she never heard a word of it. Her whispered, desperate pleas continued as I pressed the button to bring a nurse. It felt like forever before a nurse arrived.
I heard her in the corridor, talking to another nurse. "You go on down to tea, Judith. I'll just see to this one and I'll join you. It's that girl who came in last night – the one with the police guard. I heard one of them's pretty hot."
The other nurse thought this was funny. "You mean the young one who looks like Matt Damon? I heard he's her boyfriend. If she needs a nurse, it's probably because he isn't there to help her. Have fun, Carol."
Sick of waiting, I spoke. "If you're the nurse, come here."
The nurse entered the room and sized me up, her look openly curious.
At another time, I might have found her obvious approval gratifying. I know I would have liked what I saw. I would have responded by verbalising the invitation in her eyes. Maybe I should have. I know I wanted to.
Later.
All those fleeting thoughts dissolved in my irritation that her attention was on me instead of Caitlin, whose sobs made my chest ache in sympathy.
"She's having nightmares and she won't wake up. Is there anything you can give her to help her?"
"I can't," she told me flatly. "What she's on, and the condition she's in – hell, she's so sedated she shouldn't be able to have nightmares. She won't be waking up for a while."
"I see." I kept my voice equally flat.
"Please. You promised," Caitlin sobbed. "No, don't let them..."
"Who's she talking to?" the nurse asked.
"Me. She wants me to help her." It came out bitter. Because I couldn't stop her nightmares.
The nurse looked like
"She's been beaten and worse by the dead guy, then when I tried to help her we both got SHOT by the police who were supposedly trying to help her. About the only person who hasn't hurt her is me, so she doesn't trust anyone else. Damn it, your guys shot her!
"And yes, I'm staying. I found some random girl on a beach, fought off her attacker and helped to get her to hospital, while getting shot in the process and winding up in hospital myself. So I'm sticking around because I want to know she's okay. If you were in my place, I imagine you'd want to know whether you'd wasted your time, too." I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding.
He looked unmoved. "You have no witnesses to confirm your story before the police showed up? Anyone you told you were going for a walk, anyone who saw you?"
I nodded toward Caitlin. "She saw me." After thinking a moment, I added, "My doctor knows I have trouble sleeping. He gave me something called Temaze, but I only use it as a last resort."
"And how do you explain that your car was seen when she disappeared?"
I narrowed my eyes. "My car? I drive a red Mercedes. I know it's an unusual car, but I bet it's not the only one in Perth. You know it was my car? Someone saw the licence plates of my car?"
The cop looked abashed. "Okay, no, we don't know what the number plate was. We don't know it was your car. But it is a hell of a coincidence, all the same."
I took a deep breath and laughed. "Look mate, do you think she'd trust me if I was the guy who'd raped her?" More soberly, I continued: "Hell of a coincidence – more like someone's trying to set me up for this."
He looked indecisive for a moment, before replying in a low voice, "If someone's trying to set you up, they'll need to set you up with accomplices. Her medical report says that she's been raped repeatedly by at least four of them, probably including the dead one on the beach. And judging by her injuries, they've been at it for at least a couple of weeks. Three of them are still out there. When she wakes up she might be able to tell us who they are. But I never told you."
2
Red Mercedes.
They had a red Mercedes.
Hit me, pulled me in, drugged me.
Eyes like saucers. Pervert.
Sorry. Oh God, so sorry.
Let me go, you bastard.
Fighting the drugs.
Clawing at my throat.
Fighting the darkness.
The pain in the darkness.
Fight them.
Don't let them win.
3
I woke in daylight and glanced at my watch. Early afternoon. My shoulder ached and more besides. It must have been time for more pain medication. Please, please let there be more pain medication.
A smiling woman set a tray of lunch on the table next to my bed. She returned to the trolley for Caitlin's lunch, which she placed hesitantly on the table beside her.
"One of the volunteers should be along shortly, with the book and magazine trolley. Your roommate's on the front cover of today's paper – you might want to keep a copy for her."
I thanked the woman.
"When she wakes up, can you tell her I've given her today's and tomorrow's menu, so she can pick what she wants? Yours is on your tray, too." She lowered her voice. "The ice cream is really good."
I smiled and thanked her again as she left, my eyes straying to Caitlin. I slid out of bed and made my way over to her.
She was tucked tightly in her bed, still asleep, her face and hair all that showed. She looked as if she hadn't moved since we were brought here early this morning. With the amount of sedative she'd been given last night, she wasn't going to be awake for lunch today, nor dinner – I figured her first hospital meal wouldn't be earlier than breakfast tomorrow. I had until then to work out what I wanted to say to her when she woke up.
I headed past her, to the bathroom we shared, before I went back to sit on my bed to eat lunch for breakfast at lunchtime. I didn't taste any of it, from the first bite 'til I'd finished the ice cream.
When did I last eat? I wondered, realising that I couldn't remember. No wonder I'd been hungry. I'd last had a drink more than twelve hours ago, a sip on the beach, before I gave the rest of the can to Caitlin.
Almost without thinking, I pushed myself off my bed and settled into the visitor's chair beside her, so I could see her face. For the first time, I felt self-conscious that I was only wearing my shorts. They were the only item of clothing I had left – I'd handed the rest over to the police, her blood on everything else. I'd have to call my sister today and ask her to bring some fresh clothes, before Caitlin woke up. I didn't want to frighten her any more than she had been already.
"You'd have to be the first pretty girl I'd rather woke up to me fully clothed than in just my underwear," I told her. I laughed quietly.
Caitlin neither replied nor moved, she was so deeply asleep.
"I never wanted to see you hurt. I'm sorry I didn't help you sooner," I began hesitantly. No, that wasn't the first thing I wanted her to hear – reminding her of what had happened to her. I stared into space, my eyes focussing on her untouched meal tray. "Do you want your ice cream?"
When she didn't respond, I helped myself to the little cardboard tub, lifting the lid with a slight sucking sound. The ice cream had already started to melt in the warm room.
In between bites, I voiced the things I could say to her when she woke.
"Hi, remember me? I was oblivious to you getting hurt, so you're in hospital now." No. Could I sound more callous if I tried?
"I'm Nathan, I stole a shirt from a corpse and stuck it on you." Lovely.
"I wish I'd never seen you and then neither of us would be here. I wish none of this had ever happened." True, but still not something I should say to her. If I hadn't seen her, she might be dead now instead of in hospital.
I scraped the bottom of the cardboard container for the last melted drops. "I'm sorry – I finished your ice cream. When you wake up, I'll owe you one." I stood up and took the empty container to my meal tray.
All that I'd said should have been funny, given my dark humour, but I had no laughter left. I only felt empty. Not even my stolen ice cream could help to fill that void. What kind of person stole a sleeping girl's ice cream?
I made it to our shared bathroom before I threw up – her ice cream, mine and probably most of the lunch I hadn't tasted. When I was done, I rinsed my mouth and left the bathroom, closing the door hard behind me.
I returned to my own bed and stretched out on top of the covers. I folded my arms behind my head and stared at the ceiling for a moment, before I spoke again.
"I'm sorry, Caitlin. I'm so sorry."
My eyes started to water, probably from staring at the room light, so I closed them.
4
Dark. Pain. Cold. Tears.
Screaming for them to let me go until my throat hurt and my voice was almost gone.
No one.
No reply, no light.
More pain.
Bitter tears.
Alone in the dark when I needed HELP.
I remember lying down, sobbing.
Cold, rough, hard concrete.
Dusty. Made me cough but no one heard.
Cold and alone and hurting in the dark.
Pain.
Relief that no one had heard me, that there was no reply.
Not alone was worse. Oh hell...
5
"Go away – leave me alone!" Caitlin cried in panic.
I woke with a shock in the middle of the night. She was screaming and struggling to get away from someone – but there was no one else here.
I sat on the edge of her bed and shook her gently, but she didn't wake up. She was locked in a deadly struggle with the people in her nightmare.
She screamed abuse at me as I panicked and let go of her. There was nothing I could do.
Gradually, her struggles gave way to helpless tears. "Please help me... you promised..." she whimpered.
I heard her in the corridor, talking to another nurse. "You go on down to tea, Judith. I'll just see to this one and I'll join you. It's that girl who came in last night – the one with the police guard. I heard one of them's pretty hot."
The other nurse thought this was funny. "You mean the young one who looks like Matt Damon? I heard he's her boyfriend. If she needs a nurse, it's probably because he isn't there to help her. Have fun, Carol."
Sick of waiting, I spoke. "If you're the nurse, come here."
The nurse entered the room and sized me up, her look openly curious.
At another time, I might have found her obvious approval gratifying. I know I would have liked what I saw. I would have responded by verbalising the invitation in her eyes. Maybe I should have. I know I wanted to.
Later.
All those fleeting thoughts dissolved in my irritation that her attention was on me instead of Caitlin, whose sobs made my chest ache in sympathy.
"She's having nightmares and she won't wake up. Is there anything you can give her to help her?"
"I can't," she told me flatly. "What she's on, and the condition she's in – hell, she's so sedated she shouldn't be able to have nightmares. She won't be waking up for a while."
"I see." I kept my voice equally flat.
"Please. You promised," Caitlin sobbed. "No, don't let them..."
"Who's she talking to?" the nurse asked.
"Me. She wants me to help her." It came out bitter. Because I couldn't stop her nightmares.
The nurse looked like