Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss
****
During the last days of the journey, the travelers struggled to get along without fighting. Balloon, Tom, and Russ typically spent their time in the room unoccupied by Victory: Tom and Russ by choice, Balloon due to Victory's scorn. Victory read poetry and novels almost all of her waking time. If she wasn't reading, she usually sat in the command room and gazed out the viewing window into the expanse of space. On day 27 of the journey, the Sombrero Galaxy was finally visible from the viewing window. Victory's heart leapt when Balloon pointed it out to her for the first time.
Tom and Russ argued about everything: politics, whether restaurants back home were any good, the future of their fledgling business, what the Sombrero aliens would look like, and dozens of other topics. As was Tom's course of conduct with any real point of contention, he refused to allow Balloon to simply tell them the correct answers. With the aliens for example, they endlessly argued about their color, the amount of eyes they would have, the manner in which they would ambulate, etc. Tom rejected the idea that the aliens would look anything like humans. Rather, he envisioned the aliens as some sort of jiggly green jelly, with vital organs moving freely within. Russ believed the aliens would mostly look like humans, with some type of simple Star Trek-like variation; i.e., the aliens would look entirely human except for a more pointed nose, or perhaps they would have an extra eye on the back of their bald heads. Above all else, however, they argued about whether Paul McCartney died in 1966.
"All the evidence is there, Gibson," said Tom on day 28 of the voyage. "We've been over this hundreds of times; I've laid it all out for you. You just won't accept the truth."
Russ sat in his designated command seat facing the Sombrero Galaxy, which now occupied the entire viewing window. "You have no evidence. All the 'clues' you reference were planted. It is and always has been a hoax."
Tom stared mindlessly into the television screen as he played Lord Protector XIII: Wizard's Revenge. "The evidence, my dear Russell, is staggering."
"Saying 'Paul is dead' backwards in a song is not evidence. It's just a gag," responded Russ.
Tom finished thrashing a ferry warrior and then responded. "The gag is on you, and every other nonbeliever. What about William Shears Campbell, for example? A man who looked exactly like McCartney. He's even announced as Billy Shears on Sgt. Peppers!"
"So what," said Russ, "they could have announced the singer as Pee Wee Herman. Does that make it true? Plus, there's no proof this Billy Shears dude ever existed."
"What about all the lyrics which prove Paul died? Like 'he didn't notice that the lights had changed,' or 'Paul is dead, miss him, miss him, miss him.'"
"What about it? It means nothing."
"All the elaborate symbolism on the album covers proving Paul was dead."
"Useless. I told you; it was a gag."
"The greatest songwriters of all time wouldn't waste so much effort on a joke. They took their music seriously."
"Tom, they were just bored. They wanted to take idiots on a wild goose chase. You'll never find that goose, my friend, because it doesn't exist." Russ watched Tom slaughter a pixy as he spoke.
"Balloon, I have a question for you," said Tom, dropping the controller and smiling with conviction.
"So, you're going to break your own rule and ask him?" said Russ.
"Of course not; I'm no fool. I don't care how right this tub of lard is about everything. There's a chance he could be wrong, and I'm not willing to take that chance."
"Well, asking him if Lennon really said 'Paul is Dead' on some Beatles song isn't going to prove anything."
Tom picked up his controller again and resumed his game of Lord Protector. Without looking at Balloon or Russ, he asked his question: "Balloon, is it possible for this white trash spaceship to travel back in time?"
"Hold on a second," interrupted Russ, sensing that Balloon was about to spit out the answer. "What are you playing at?"
"I'm currently playing Lord Protector XIII: Wizard's Revenge, I think, and I'm doing quite well if I may say so myself." Tom laughed at his own joke. "You know good and well what I'm playing at, Gibson. We've got an idiot supergenius in our midst. This guy can build spaceships, travel to distant galaxies, and procure the favor of a beautiful woman.... Well, he's still working on that last one, but you get the point. Instead of all this bickering about whether McCartney really died, which of course he did, let's just go to the year 1966 and watch it happen. What, are you afraid you're wrong?"
Russ took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure we should be messing with time travel just so you can figure out whether Paul McCartney really died. What if something goes wrong?"
"What could possibly go wrong? We've got this Balloon dude here with us, and he's never wrong."
Balloon smiled at Tom's compliment. "I ain't-"
"Shut up, Balloon," said Russ. "You're contradicting yourself. If Balloon's right all the time, why don't you just ask him the question?"
"I told you; this is too important to simply ask."
"Okay, but traveling back in time and altering the whole history of the planet earth is just no big deal." Russ stood up and moved closer to the viewing window. "Seriously?"
"We wouldn't alter the 'whole history of the planet earth' my friend. We would simply go to the UK, watch McCartney die, and then leave. Worst case scenario? We somehow destroy Europe. But it certainly won't affect the entire earth."
"This is not a good idea," said Russ, annoyed.
"I agree with you on that point, Russ. It's not just a good idea; it's the best idea I've ever concocted. You, me, Balloon, the 1960s, the Beatles, a Volkswagen bus, and a lifetime of vindication for yours truly. Plus, we could pick up some vintage LPs while we're there and take them home for collector's items. Serious cash, Russell. Think about it, man. You with me?" Tom was leaning in for the kill. He knew he had Russ at the breaking point.
Russ walked to his command chair and slumped down in the seat. "Alright, Balloon, can you take us back in time?"
"Ain't no thang," answered Balloon, barely paying attention to the conversation. "We jist gotta git this here single-wide goin' backwards."
"What does that mean?" asked Russ, always somewhat curious about the technology hurling them through space, and now apparently, time.
Balloon allowed his enormous head to speak for him. "To achieve travel into the past, the single-wide's dual-drive tachypulsometer will need to be reversed, thus creating the negative energy required for time displacement."
"So, how do you put it in reverse?" asked Tom. "Put in the clutch and change gears? Does this thing even have reverse lights? We wouldn't want to get a moving violation."
"She ain't got no lights in the back," answered Balloon, "but she gotta button fer reversin' them engines."
"Balloon, you sly dog. You never told us you built a spaceship and a time machine. We could have some serious fun with this thing." Tom paused his game of Lord Protector and thought about the endless ways he could make money by traveling through time. "Think about it, man, we could go back like 50 million years, bury some coals in Balloon's trash-heap yard, and then come back to the present and have diamonds. We could slaughter some dinosaurs way back when and hide the bones somewhere, then sell them in the present. Seriously, this could be awesome."
"You already have all the money you'll ever need, moron," said Russ, still slumped in his chair. "You don't need to travel through time just to make a few bucks."
"I apparently don't have all the money I'll ever need, because we spent it all on this white trash spaceship, remember?"
"No, you spent all your money on who knows what. Me and Balloon spent our share on this white trash spaceship."
Tom grinned. "A good observation, my dear Russell, but regardless of the various methods of our expenditures, all the money's gone."
"Ain't no need to go back 'n fight them dinos to git monies, Tommy," said Balloon. "I can git ya monies if'n that's what ya need."
"A
Russ stood up from his command chair. "You're going to lose, Starley. Paul McCartney didn't die in 1966."
"We shall see, Russell. We shall see." As he spoke, Tom freed the enchanted unicorn, thus defeating level 64 of Lord Protector XIII: Wizard's Revenge.