Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss
Chapter 5 - Consider
Balloon Seeks Guidance from
Russ, His Parents and Tom;
Victory Uses Her Charms to Persuade
Balloon to Help Her
"Well, you're screwed either way," said Russ, watching Balloon insert another full taco into his mouth. "If you refuse to take her, she'll hate you forever. But if you go, there's probably a good chance you'll both get blown up or something." Balloon started to work on his ninth taco. "One thing's for sure: if you don't give her an answer soon, she'll beat you up."
Russ and Balloon sat at the food court inside the Midland Mall. Balloon visited the spot often, for it was the home of his favorite restaurant: Taco Villa. Today was an extra special treat because it was "taco Tuesday." He could buy three tacos for a dollar, which usually meant he consumed at least 15. Balloon loved to eat the first taco and crumple the paper wrapping into a small ball. He would then enclose the paper ball in each successive taco wrapper, until he had a huge ball of trash at the end. He never did anything with the ball of trash, but sometimes he toyed with the idea of throwing it into the tuxedo rental shop which was just outside the food court.
"I ain't got no idea what to do. I ain't no astro-space flier er nothin'. But when I done guessed if'n I could take her, the answer were yes." A piece of string-cut lettuce hung out of the corner of Balloon's mouth as he spoke.
"Well, it is intriguing," observed Russ, "to think that you could somehow transport the two of you to a distant galaxy. It would make landing on the moon look like a cheap parlor trick." Balloon nodded in semiconscious agreement as he started on his 11th taco. "But then again, you've got a lot going for you here. With your abilities, we-you can basically have all the money, and tacos, you've ever wanted. Plus, you gotta realize there are way better girls out there than Victory. Why risk your life for her?"
In the past, Balloon had gone to great lengths to defend the virtues of Victory. He used to become angry, presenting empty threats of "butt-kickin's" to Tom and Russ if they insulted her. In the end, however, he never had the courage to do anything about their continued disrespect.
"I like Vic," he muttered, now working on taco number 12.
"Well, she doesn't 'like' you. In fact, she hates you. She's just using you, Balloon. She couldn't care less about your safety, your happiness, nothing. She's only in this thing for herself."
"She done care about herself nohow. She jist wants to hep her pappy git all better. He's real sick ya know, with them nose bleeds 'n splodin' head stuff jist 'round the corner."
"Well, what are you going to do?" asked Russ, annoyed with Balloon's devotion to Victory.
"I ain't got no clue; it makes me scared. They probably ain't gonna have no Lord Protector 'n Taco Villa up yonder at thatta there place." Balloon hesitated. "And I's ain't too good with them heights. Growin' up in Midland ya know, I ain't never been more than 10 feet off the ground."
"If you travel in outer space, heights will be the least of your problems. I'd be more afraid of extended travel with Victory than any physical danger." Russ was hoping for a laugh from Balloon, but instead saw Balloon stop chewing on his last taco and look wistfully past him. As correctly guessed by Russ, Balloon was daydreaming about endless time with his beloved Victory.
Suddenly, Russ felt concern for Balloon. "You know, Balloon, if you decide to do this, you need someone there beside just you and Victory." Russ knew that Balloon-if left alone with Victory-would hearken to her every word. He would become, in essence, Victory's slave. "Someone else should go along with you two."
"I dunno, Russ; I ain't sure I's up fer it," responded Balloon. "I reckon I got lotsa stuff here I gots to do." The truth was, Balloon had nothing to do. Since he discovered his power, he had been kicked out of college, fired from his job, and become a millionaire. The actual reason for Balloon's hesitation was simple fear. He was afraid of what might happen to him; he was afraid he might make a wrong choice during the journey; and above all, he was afraid he would fail to impress Victory, and would have no other chance to obtain her love.
"Well then," said Russ, "it's settled. Call Victory tonight and tell her you won't be able to take her to this Sombrero place."
"But, what I's gonna do when she gits all mad 'n starts talkin' 'bout her pappy dyin' 'n all?"
"Just tell her you don't think it's safe, and that you 'ain't no astro-space flier,' or whatever it was you called it."
Having finished his tacos, Balloon nervously fiddled with the trash ball. "Russ, ya think maybe you could tell Vic fer me? I ain't got no idea nohow what to say."
"Just tell her the truth. Tell her it doesn't make sense to endanger the lives of two perfectly healthy..." said Russ, hesitating, "well, young people for the benefit of a dying old man. You know, tell her he's lived a full life, a good life, and maybe it's his time to go."
"But you gotta way of sayin' her way better than me. I know I's gonna git all scared 'n she'll come out wrong. And ain't no doubt about it, she gonna try makin' me feel all bad 'bout her pappy dyin' of a splodin' head 'n all." As Balloon said "splodin' head," he crumpled the trash ball in his hands.
"You know, dying of an exploding head isn't a bad way to go. Seriously, one minute you're alive and kicking, doing fine. The next minute, your head has exploded and you're dead. It probably wouldn't even hurt, since your brain's obliterated." Russ paused, noticing Balloon's look of anxiety. "But I wouldn't tell Victory that."
"She gonna hate me. She gonna say I's a big ol' coward."
"Well, Victory hates everybody, so it won't be that big of a deal. I seriously don't get what your thing is with her. But, whatever. You've made the right decision. Call her tonight and tell her the answer is no."
Balloon felt a sudden surge of courage. "Alrighty then. I reckon I can do this. I can still git her to like me, even if I ain't gonna save her pappy from his splodin' head." Russ winced at the inherent stupidity of Balloon's statement, and then noticed him doing something odd. Balloon kept looking toward Rent-A-Tux, the shop just outside the food court. Without warning, Balloon ran toward the shop, threw the wadded-up ball of taco wrappers into the store, and broke for the mall exit. Other than Russ, who was laughing hysterically, nobody else noticed.