Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss

  ****

  Lilia knew that, if she attempted to fire on the enormous imposter, her own team of soldiers would attack her. She was also hesitant to accuse him of wearing a compensation suit-which she was certain he was using to achieve his wide girth-since she herself was currently using such an apparatus. Hollow threats seemed to be her only option.

  Lilia helplessly watched as the rectangle shaped landing vessel came to life. She stood her ground in front of the large window as the three hooligans talked, laughed, and otherwise prepared to depart. There was nothing she could do. She dejectedly looked toward her soldiers, all of whom still reverently bowed before the spacecraft. Soon, a blast of hot air shot out in all directions, tumbling the shield barricades to the ground. As Lilia strived to maintain her footing, she saw the hooligan landing vessel shoot straight up into the sky.

  For a moment she did nothing in response, blankly staring at the spot where the hooligan ship had been. Then something within her snapped.

  "Stand up, soldiers," she yelled. "Stand up!" Each of the men and women of her team slowly lifted their heads, checking to ensure the tremendous man-their de facto leader-was no longer there. "Do not fear to stand; they are gone," she said. Within a few moments, each member of her team stood upright and at attention.

  "Gather up your gear; load the transports; and report to the landing vessel as soon as possible," she commanded. Her soldiers immediately obeyed. Lilia reluctantly lowered her right hand to her overburdened belt, detaching the communication device and tapping a few buttons with her thumb.

  "My Captain," she said, a slight quivering in her voice, "the hooligans have escaped and, based on their last-known trajectory, are heading your way." There was no immediate response to her report. "Sir, can you hear me?" she asked.

  "I hear you," came Nabashio's familiar voice, "but I am having a difficult time understanding how this can be even remotely possible."

  "There is little time to explain, my Lord," answered Lilia, "as the hooligans will be within your grasp shortly. However," she added, cupping the communication device close to her mouth and speaking with a whisper, "it appears at least two of the hooligans have donned compensation suits in order to resemble members of the Protector Class. My team was unwilling to engage the hooligans once they came into view."

  "Be that as it may," answered Nabashio, "you would still obviously outrank them as a First Class Protector; surely your team would have hearkened to your commands as the superior officer."

  Lilia was growing impatient. "That's just it, my Captain; these two imposters are pretending to be Protectors of a much higher order than First Class. Indeed, their appearance even suggests they would outrank Your Grace."

  Nabashio hesitated before responding: "Not possible, simply not possible," he said. "Not even conceivable. No compensation suit can elevate one to the level of Commander, let alone to Don status, or...." He trailed off.

  "I was unable to detain them, Captain, due to the fealty they garnered from my team. They refused to engage the enemy. Indeed, they simply bowed before the imposters and let them escape unmolested."

  "This news is most troubling, Lilia. I call you Lilia due to my increasing doubts regarding your ability to maintain your exalted station. As you are aware-"

  Lilia cut him off before he could say another word. "What are your orders, Commander? PROT IX will engage the hooligans momentarily. This discussion will have to wait."

  "Matters wait when I direct them to wait. These slow-minded fools are of no serious concern. I anticipated your failure, and therefore prepared the crew to engage these miscreants upon their escape from your incompetent hands."

  "You are great," answered Lilia sarcastically. "What are your orders?"

  "You and your team are to return to PROT IX immediately in order to process the hooligans, who will no doubt be my captives by the time of your arrival. End of transmission."

  "Finally!" yelled Lilia after disconnecting the communication device. She angrily turned around and faced her team. "Speed it up; we're leaving immediately."