Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss

  ****

  Balloon threw his tremendous body to the ground, dodging dozens of shots fired by Zaxmorthian soldiers. "Vic!" he yelled again, "I'm a comin' fer ya!"

  Russ, crouching behind machine parts near the entrance of the landing hangar, spotted the woman who had attempted to block their exit from Zaragozo. "Balloon, it's that same lady we ran into back on Pedro's planet, only this time she's shooting at us. Who are these guys?"

  "Her name Lilia, 'n that other big fella's Nabashio. They's in charge a this whole heap a bandits. Thems is the ones who done stole Vic from me, 'n they's aimin' to never give her back."

  "What do you want me to do?" said Russ, keeping a careful eye on incoming fire as he spoke.

  "Ain't nothin' you gots to do," answered Balloon impatiently. "Jist sit tight right where you is." With that, Balloon closed his eyes and started shooting his taserbeam at the dozens of guards on the other side of the hangar.

  Lilia took cover, trying to locate Nabashio in the chaos. Finally she spotted him, crouching down on his knees, each of his trembling hands covering an ear. Victory stood close-by, sticking out her lower jaw and apparently fuming with rage. "Captain!" yelled Lilia, "what are your orders?" Nabashio apparently didn't hear, his ears still plugged and his head now lowered toward the ground. Lilia decided to take matters into her own hands.

  Aiming at her enormous enemy, she fired three shots in succession. The hooligan, still maneuvering with eyes closed, dodged each projectile with perfection and grace. Lilia reacted to his incredible moves with a mixture of anger and awe. Exposing herself to attack, she stood up straight and screamed to her subordinates: "Everybody fire, now!"

  The soldiers left standing obeyed her frantic order, each firing toward the enemy's position without delay. The barrage was no match for the hooligan. He knelt, jumped, back-flipped, stretched, and otherwise contorted his body, escaping each shot with apparent ease. After successfully avoiding the onslaught, the enormous man engaged his taserbeam in rapid succession. A dozen Zaxmorthian guards fell to the ground, paralyzed by his precision.

  Lilia's frustration grew. It seemed her enemy was invincible, and her commanding officer was crippled by fear. Undaunted by the hooligan's perfection in battle, and somewhat blinded by her rage, she began running toward his position, intending to engage him in hand-to-hand combat. Just as she did so, every conscious person in the landing hangar heard a booming voice.

  "Balloon!" screamed Victory, "that is enough!" As her voice fiercely bellowed through the chamber, she stood from her position of safety, making eye contact with Balloon from across the room.

  "Watch out, Balloon!" yelled Russ, but it was too late. Distracted by Victory, Balloon didn't notice, and his mind hadn't guessed, that Lilia was upon him. While his gaze was still fixed on Victory, the unnoticed Lilia kicked the taserbeam out of his right hand, and landed a resounding blow to his tremendous middle-section. Balloon collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath and reaching his arms toward Victory. Lilia, meanwhile, quickly gathered up Balloon's taserbeam and pointed it at his head from close range.

  "Stand down... imposter," she said, with some hesitation. "If you surrender now, you will be-"

  At that moment, Lilia was hit hard from behind, knocking the taserbeam from her grasp and sending her face-first to the ground. Russ looked toward Balloon with a smile. "Guess I'm not totally useless," he said. Russ then picked up Balloon's taserbeam, handed it to him, and turned to face the soldiers on the other side of the room.

  "Well done, worthy opponents; well done," said a male voice. Nabashio stood upright, rearranging his mass and straitening his uniform as he began to walk toward Balloon and Russ. "You have dispatched my prot?g? with impressive aptitude."

  Lilia, still reeling from the unseen attack, was shocked to see Nabashio actually engaging the enemy. He was visibly nervous, but was apparently attempting to hide his anxiety.

  "Nevertheless," continued Nabashio, "you will not have the same success with my greatness. I challenge you to put down your weapon, and confront me in physical combat, as is custom among true Zaxmorthians."

  "Don't do it, Balloon," responded Russ, lifting his taserbeam and pointing it at Nabashio's head, "it's a trick."

  "Ain't no trickery," said Balloon. "And she ain't no thang, Russ." Balloon could see Victory, watching from her position near the entrance of Nabashio's landing vessel. As he met her gaze, he threw down his taserbeam and approached Nabashio. "Let's git her done," he said.

  The two stood face to face, their protruding midsections nearly touching. Lilia looked on with awe. Throughout her entire life, she had rarely seen men as tremendous as Nabashio. However, he now appeared insignificant next to Balloon's massive frame. "You will prevail, my Commander," said Lilia, confident Nabashio did not stand a chance.

  "The resolution of this conflict is not in dispute," said Nabashio. "And the conclusion of your hooliganism is upon you!" With that, Nabashio aimed a slow, predictable punch toward the coke-bottle glasses crookedly perched on Balloon's face. Balloon easily dodged the attack, simply moving his head back as Nabashio's fist swung past his face.

  Balloon then closed his eyes, guessed his next move, and immediately jabbed the palm of his hand into his rival's nose. Nabashio's head snapped back, nearly causing him to lose his balance. Just as it appeared he would fall backward, he managed to stay upright.

  Nabashio sniffed loudly, trying to regain his composure as he again moved close to Balloon. "If that insignificant blow represents the extent of your abilities, your defeat is assured," said Nabashio halfheartedly.

  Without responding, Balloon crouched low to the ground, spun his body in a full circle, and swept Nabashio's feet out from under him with the back of his outstretched leg. Nabashio fell squarely on his back, letting out a high-pitched scream.

  "Gimme back my Vic 'n we ain't gotta do this no more," said Balloon, standing up and hovering over Nabashio. "Y'all ain't gonna-"

  "Balloon," boomed Victory's voice, "I told you that is enough!"

  "But, Vic, these bandits is tryin' to take ya outta here. I ain't gonna let 'em kidnap ya like that."

  "I'm leaving you morons once and for all," she answered, pointing her finger at Balloon as she spoke. "You're worthless to me. You let my father die. You dragged me halfway across the universe for nothing. Just leave me alone!" With that, she folded her arms resolutely, turned around, and began stomping toward the entryway of the landing vessel.

  Balloon gulped hard, trying to fight back tears. "But, Vic," he said softly, "yer pappy ain't-"

  But before he could finish, he felt a tremendous jolt of electricity, stabbing its way through his body. His legs buckled under his extreme weight, and he toppled to the ground in a quivering heap. Unseen by all, Nabashio had quietly obtained Balloon's discarded taserbeam and fired it toward his enormous midsection. Russ screamed out in shock, and began lifting his own taserbeam to return fire. But Nabashio, already in position, was too quick. His shot landed squarely on Russ' forehead, sending him flailing backward, unconscious.

  "Vic...." moaned Balloon, struggling to keep his eyes open. Laying on his stomach, he felt completely paralyzed. By happenstance, his head was positioned toward Victory's departing figure. Although out of focus, he saw her enter the landing vessel. "Vic...." he struggled one last time, but it was no use. She was gone.