Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss
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"All preparations are in place, Commander," reported Lilia as she stood next to Nabashio in the landing vessel.
Nabashio looked out across the expanse of space, eyeing the shrinking PROT IX as the landing vessel descended toward the Planet of Protection. "It brings me pain to leave her behind, Lilia; you must understand that. Commanding a PROT vessel is like nurturing a young child."
Lilia rolled her eyes. "I know you have great devotion to your ship, Commander," she said, the lies leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. "But think of our glorious return, once the hooligans are in hand."
"The hooligans," muttered Nabashio, his hands slightly shaking as he spoke, "these hooligans will pay for their insolence. They will pay for their crimes. What business could they possibly have on the Planet of Protection? Their pattern of mischief is inconceivable."
"Commander, if I may venture an inquiry," said Lilia, moving closer to Nabashio's side.
"Yes, as long as the inquiry is both efficient and relevant," answered Nabashio, almost absentmindedly.
"Why, Your Grace, did you allow those of the small mind to land on the Planet of Protection? Why not engage them with the assistance of the other PROT vessels which are typically stationed in this quadrant?"
"You should know the answer without asking, First Classwoman," said Nabashio, bringing his attention back to Lilia. "The hooligans were allowed to land by design, for at least two reasons. First," he said, raising his finger as he spoke, "to provide them with a false sense of security. The last time they dared to inhabit this hallowed section of the galaxy, they were attacked on all sides. And of course, second, an innumerable host of Zaxmorthia's finest soldiers await them on the surface below. The campaign will obviously be directed by my own imminence, but they will be available for any secondary assistance required."
"Very good," answered Lilia. Her mind focused on their first encounter with the hooligans, near the very spot now occupied by the landing vessel. She recalled the hooligans firing on PROT IX, and their quick escape upon the approach of other PROT vessels. She determined that Nabashio's plan was flawed and needlessly risky. "We are now approaching the planet surface," she said, suppressing the urge to criticize her commanding officer.
"Excellent," said Nabashio. "What is the status of the hooligan vessel?"
"It has landed in a small clearing close to the...." Lilia closed her eyes hard and opened them again, shocked at the information relayed by the tracking device. "Commander, they have located the Dome of Our Beloved Protector."
Nabashio's nervous twitch intensified. "Contact Central Command and inform them of the hooligans' position. Our backup will not have far to travel."
Lilia hearkened to Nabashio's orders, promptly calling in the position. "Your orders regarding our landing site, Commander?" she inquired. The landing vessel penetrated the planet's atmosphere as its descent intensified.
"It is necessary we intercept the hooligans without warning," answered Nabashio as he surveyed the tracking coordinates. "You must get us as close as possible, but at the same time proceed unnoticed by those of the weak mind."
"Very well, sir," said Lilia, unsure how she could accomplish such a task. "How is it possible the enemy could have located the Dome of Our Beloved Protector? What is their motive?"
"As if I can descend below my level of intelligence and purport to understand those of the skinny mind!" answered Nabashio harshly. "Their landing close to the Dome of the Beloved is undoubtedly pure coincidence. No common member of the lower classes has any knowledge of its whereabouts. Indeed, many of those in the upper echelons of the Protector Class are unaware of its precise coordinates. Do not be a fool, First Classwoman. Give them no more credit than that to which they are worthy, which is zero."
Lilia chafed at Nabashio's words. She took a deep breath and delivered an order to the Second Classman operating the landing vessel. "Target our landing at 329.437 by 937.340. Continue our current downward trajectory until we arrive at the tree line, then move across the terrain until we reach the coordinates."
"It shall be done," was the response.
"Commander," said Lilia, turning her attention to Nabashio, "you were able to properly calibrate the eye-ware for use on the planet surface?"
"The procedure required the utmost in accuracy and prowess. Nevertheless, I was able to personally ensure that each vital-sign goggle has been precisely fine-tuned. Do not question my more-than-sufficient abilities, First Classwoman."
"Of course not," said Lilia, her eyes fixed on the lush terrain of the planet below. "We will arrive at our landing coordinates momentarily."
"What is the status of the hooligan vessel?" asked Nabashio.
"It has not moved from the last location reported."
"You see, First Classwoman. These slow-minded fools cannot possibly be comprehended. They race across Zaxmorthia at their highest possible speed, land here, at the center of all, and remain idle."
"May I remind you, Commander, that the tracking beacon is solely attached to the hooligans' vessel. They very well could have departed via their land vehicle, or perhaps on foot, which we would be unable to detect through the device."
Nabashio pulled on the bottom of his never-worn combat suit in order to straighten out the wrinkles. "Indeed, I am disappointed," he said quietly. "I was under the distinct impression, based on your own report no less, that you had affixed a tracking beacon to the hooligans. Now I am told it was ineptly affixed solely to their transport. This is unacceptable, and endangers the potential success of my well-conceived plan of attack." He paused for effect. "How do you suppose we can possibly track them now, in light of your most recent failure?"
Lilia did not hesitate. "Through use of upper-atmospheric watchtowers. In fact," she added confidently as she worked the console, "I'm tracking them via video feed now."