Balloon Boy and the Porcupine Pals: Antihooliganism by Mort Gloss

  ****

  "What is it with you and the surrendering?" said Tom, annoyed. "We don't even know what these morons are capable of."

  "Agreed," said Russ, turning away from the living room window and heading back into the command center. "Balloon, don't worry about translating anything else. Ask yourself what type of weapons system these dudes have."

  Balloon hung up the phone and asked himself the question. "They gots big cannons, missiles, 'n lasers, 'n other stuff that could git us in one shot if'n they wanted us blown up."

  "Ask yourself whether we can disable their weapons and engines with a preemptive attack," said Russ.

  "What ya mean, pretty empty?"

  "Just ask yourself, Balloon!" yelled Tom, already strapping himself into his command seat.

  "What are you idiots talking about?" snarled Victory. "If we try to attack them we'll all die."

  "Not if Balloon says we won't," said Tom. "Plus, I'm riding the immortality train, and, last I checked, you were still aboard."

  Balloon spit out the answer to Russ' question: "if'n we aim in the jist right place, them lasers can't git us. Plus, thems engines, the ones that take 'em real fast, won't work nohow."

  Tom spoke in feigned military gruffness. "Then get over here soldier, mount up this stallion, and lets send a message to these bandits they won't forget."

  "That was almost perfect," laughed Russ. "But I would have gone super computer space robot voice."

  "There'll be another time, soldier," answered Tom. Then, turning to Balloon, he said: "if we're going to have to hit these punks in the 'jist right place,' I suggest you do the aiming, Balloon. I'll fire when you tell me everything's ready."

  "Ain't no thang," said Balloon.

  Victory listened and watched from the wall opposite the viewing window, her arms folded as best they could across her chest. "I do not agree with this, boys."

  "Balloon says we can win this fight. All we do is take out their weapons and their engines. Then we're free to go and get the orb of destiny and save your pappy!" answered Tom, annoyed by Victory's concerns.

  "You may disable their ship for the time being," said Victory in response, "but you're going to start a war that we can't win."

  Tom handed the controls to Balloon. "We can win anything with him," said Tom, pointing to Balloon. "The decision has already been made."

  Balloon, having set the coordinates for the W.A.S.P.'s weapons systems, handed the controls back to Tom. He slowly turned his gaze to Victory, as if to reason with her. Tom, sensing Balloon's indecision, acted without warning. The travelers were enveloped by a blinding light, and the single-wide shook violently for a split second.

  "Have we been hit?" asked Russ, panicking.

  "Nope, we just fired," answered Tom, holding up the ship's controls with a smile on his face. "Balloon, aim this thing again. Let's take a couple more shots at them."

  Balloon obeyed Tom's instructions, taking the controls and screwing up his face prior to setting the coordinates. Balloon handed them back to Tom, who again fired on the alien vessel.

  "What's the status of their ship, Balloon?" Russ asked, having run to the living room window to take a look.

  "They can't fire on us nohow, 'n they can't catch us nowise neither."

  "Sounds like an ironclad victory, eh, Victory? What was your plan again? Surrendering wasn't it? Brilliant." Tom scoffed at her while cradling the back of his head with both hands.

  "I still think attacking them was a bad idea. You morons just started a war you're not going to be able to win."

  "They can fight a war against us all they want, V," said Russ, re-entering the command center. "But we're going to go get the ball of power and get outta here before they can even recover."

  "Good point," agreed Tom. "Balloon, tell us how to get to the orb of destiny from here."

  Balloon closed his eyes tight and said nothing. He opened them again, sending a confused look to Tom.

  "What is it, man?" asked Tom, sensing a problem.

  "Ma head's tellin' me the way we git that there ball o' density is by turnin' round 'n headin' to a planet up yonders a piece aways from here."

  "But I thought we were here," said Russ.

  "Well, this here's the jist right place. But I's gittin' that we gots to go somewheres else 'fore we can git her."

  "Why?" asked Russ.

  Before Balloon could answer, Victory pointed toward the viewing window and said: "that's why, you imbeciles. You started a war, just like I said, and here come the reinforcements."

  The other three travelers looked out the viewing window. Emerging from the surface of the planet below were two tremendous spaceships, heading straight toward them.

  Tom, unworried, turned to Balloon. "Well, what the deuce do we do now, boss?"

  "We gots to git outta here, fast as we can git her done."

 

 

  Chapter 4 - New Horizons

  The Travelers Land on an Alien Planet;

  Nabashio Is Reprimanded